Doomed

[don't know]

What's the point in all of this? I'm so tired of it all. I was really trying to research cbt and try and get my life on track but I'm not able to. I feel as though everything is true. I was watching a show almost to see if I could relate to one of the characters and got so anxious from it. I just thought - great. I don't want to get help because it'll just be me realising that all of this was true in the first place. I think that would leave me devastated or maybe not. 

It seems as though I'm carrying this on by going onto OCD websites and reading the books about it. There's no point really, I don't see a way to carry on anymore. It's all pointless. 

[PolarBear]

So being where you are today is somehow better?

[don't know]

What's the point anyway.

[PolarBear]

What's the point of you coming here and asking what's the point? You've been doing so for a long time now. How's that working for you?

[don't know]

It doesn't matter what I do. Nothing works and it's all true. 

[PolarBear]

Okay.

[dksea]

On 27/05/2019 at 05:48, don't know said:

I was watching a show almost to see if I could relate to one of the characters and got so anxious from it.

So you engaged in a compulsion to try and feel better and it didn't really help.  
 

On 27/05/2019 at 05:48, don't know said:

I don't want to get help because it'll just be me realising that all of this was true in the first place.

Possibly, but its also possible you will get better.  Currently you are not.  So you can continue to do what you are doing and get worse, or you can take the chance to get better.  

 

On 27/05/2019 at 05:48, don't know said:

It seems as though I'm carrying this on by going onto OCD websites and reading the books about it.

Reading about exercise and visiting websites about exercise won't make you healthier, you have to ACTUALLY do the exercise, you have to ACTUALLY change your behavior.
Reading about OCD and visiting websites about OCD won't make you better, you have to ACTUALLY do the work, you have to ACTUALLY change your behavior.

 

On 27/05/2019 at 05:48, don't know said:

There's no point really, I don't see a way to carry on anymore. It's all pointless. 

If you continue to do the wrong things, if you continue to make choices that strengthen the OCD, then it won't get better.
If you choose to change your behavior, if you choose to make choices, yes hard choices, that weaken the OCD, then you can get better.
Thats the point.  Its up to you, it always has been, it always will be.

All of us who have recovered from OCD, who have gotten back to living our lives outside its grip have been where you are now.  We got better not because we were super heroes (trust me, we aren't), but because we made the tough choices and did the work.  And it often sucked.  But it was worth it.  Thats the point, the point is you don't have to remain stuck, but you have to decide to do things differently.  You have to decide to listen to us and not your OCD.  

[dksea]

Or you can keep doing the same thing and suffering.  Why would you want to do that?

[don't know]

Because I really don't want these things to be true. I don't think I would be able to take it. 

Edited May 28, 2019 by don't know

[PolarBear]

1 minute ago, don't know said:

Because I really don't want these things to be true. I don't think I would be able to take it. 

You've spent hundreds, if not thousands, of hours ruminating over your thoughts and the questions they pose. You've done tons of compulsions. This has been going on for, shall I say, years?

All that work done. And what do you have to show for it? Have you found rhe answers? Nope. Have you reached a final decision? Nope. Are you more certain now than when you started? Nope. Are you more stuck now and feeling worse than when this started? Yes!

So why, oh why, would you want to keep doing the same things? Are you afraid that if you listen to us and do the work you'll discover you are what you fear?

[don't know]

Yes. I'm afraid that all these thoughts are true. 

[PolarBear]

So you're willing to keep doing all the wrong things, which is a guarantee you'll remain stuck and not find an answer, versus taking care of your mental health and possibly ending this hell you are in.

Does that sum things up nicely? One choice represents a risk but also the possibility of wellness, while the other offers only continued misery.

Choose wisely.

Edited May 28, 2019 by PolarBear

[don't know]

It already feels real. 

[PolarBear]

Look. I explained your situation and the choice you have as best I can. We've all been doing that for a long time. You need to go away and think about what we've said. You have always had a choice to make. Unfortunatrly you keep choosing poorly.

This forum is not helping you, mostly because you refuse to help yourself. I think you really need professional mental health help. Go seek it. 

[don't know]

I've already tried a few times and it hasn't helped. 

[PolarBear]

Yet you keep doing the same compulsions, over and over, and it hasn't worked. Yet you come to this forum every day, and it hasn't worked. You see what I'm saying? You keep doing those things for nothing, yet you won't try professional help again.

Seek professional help.

[dksea]

20 minutes ago, don't know said:

I've already tried a few times and it hasn't helped. 

A student can go to the best, smartest, wisest teacher in the world, but if that student isn't willing to do the things the teacher tells them they should do, they won't learn anything.  
You have gone to therapy, you have even done some worksheets, but you've never (based on your responses here) ever accepted that your problem is OCD and made the choice to treat it properly.
You could go to therapy 100 more times and yes, it probably won't help, but not because it can't, but because you won't let it.  You won't admit you have a problem.  You won't commit to doing what is necessary to get better.  Yes, taking those steps is hard, and scary, but the alternative is what you are living now, suffering and anxiety and doubt for the rest of your life.
 

1 hour ago, don't know said:

Because I really don't want these things to be true. I don't think I would be able to take it. 

And what if they aren't true?  What if all your suffering is for nothing?  What if you have wasted, and continue to waste your life?

You can continue to suffer, or you can choose to work on recovery.  You have that choice.

[californiadreaming]

Dksea nails it again!

You have to accept you have OCD. Not believing you do is even part of it. An acceptance script I used to kick my rear into gear was “I have OCD which causes me to have obsessions and do compulsions. As long as I continue to do my compulsions, I will be a slave to my OCD.”

Sometimes I thought “I don’t have OCD and I’m lying to myself” and I learned to live with that, too. 

Good luck!

[don't know]

I feel broken at this point. Everything seems like a lie and I feel like I'm a crazy person. I can't tell what is my own thinking or OCD. I did try and ignore the thoughts yesterday but they kept coming back but I didn't do any 'compulsions.' It felt really intense and scary. Like I'm not sure who I am or how I feel. 

 

Edited May 29, 2019 by don't know

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

What's the point even giving you advice?

[don't know]

You're right there's really no point.

[paradoxer]

The one thing that isn't doomed are these threads (in case anyone was concerned), they're destined to run and run ...

[dksea]

13 hours ago, don't know said:

I did try and ignore the thoughts yesterday but they kept coming back but I didn't do any 'compulsions.'

I know its not fun to hear but it won't go away in one day.  Its not like a headache that lasts for a few hours and then you rest or take a pill and your fine.  If you want to get better you need to commit to making changes.

Meanwhile, compulsions are more than just counting or what not, rumination, testing, etc. are all compulsions.  Even if you didn't do any compulsions all day, you've been doing them for a long time, its going to take time to change your thinking and recover.

You are only doomed if you decide to be.  If you decide to get better you can do that too.  This is all up to you, its not destiny its a choice.