Should I give into a compulsion before starting ERP?

[Ryukil]

Now hear me out. I want to start ERP on my own as I can't really go to a therapist right now. I have been to McLean's OCDI as well as specialists, read lots of books and online information so I do have a decent idea of what I'm doing. I feel I have nothing to lose by putting in say 2 months of ERP on my own as it's better than just sitting around not making progress with my OCD.

My whole thing is that I'll get weird thoughts, and these weird thoughts will "contaminate" whatever I'm doing. It can be a sexual thought, pretty much always about a family member, or an "immoral" thought. For example, I recently was reading about Hitler (I'm a history major) and felt like maybe I "admired" him. Obviously this upset me.

The compulsion in this case would be to reread that paragraph without having a feeling of "admiration." However, I didn't do that and logged into multiple accounts, including this one, and so they are now "contaminated" by me admiring Hitler.

I feel like I should undo the thought, delete those accounts, and THEN start with ERP. If I just go into it, it might be too hard to maintain because the anxiety from the Hitler thing will be too great. I sort of have a hierarchy, like thoughts about sex with my dog would bother me the least, thoughts about sex with a family member would bother me more, and a bad thought about a sex abuse victim or a thought that Hitler is admirable would be at the top of the scale.

I think the idea is something like, If I don't delete these accounts, I'm saying it's acceptable to admire Hitler. It is like the accounts have been stained by the feeling I may have had.

And, just as a side note, I don't admire Hitler at all, I think Nazism is one of the most horrible things that has occured in human history. But what if I did have a fleeting feeling of admiration?

Should I delete the accounts and then agree to stop giving into compulsions, or should I not delete the accounts and then just carry on? I'm worried if I just carry on I'm setting myself up for failure because it will be too hard to resist compulsions, and I don't want bigger, more important things (like writing a story, for instance) to become contaminated by Hitler.

[Handy]

Thoughts cannot contaminate something physically, it is impossible.

 

 

[Ryukil]

Yes but I believe to say that to myself would be a form of reassurance?

[PolarBear]

You should never give in to a compulsion. Period. 

You're coming up with a reason to prolong the OCD insanity. Give in now and something else will arise, and then another and so on.

Bite the bullet and refuse to do the compulsion. Not easy but simple.

[taurean]

Thoughts aren't "contaminated" in OCD - they are "connected" or "associated" by the OCD, often where there is no real connection or association. 

We break this issue, gradually, by accepting that this is what is going on, and we are not the bad person that OCD says we are. It is attacking our true character values through these fakeries. 

Try building the exposure work around this cognitive understanding. 

I think what you were proposing was a neutralising compulsion, which would strengthen the OCD not weaken it. 

 

[Ryukil]

I know, I don't know why I'm searching for justification to give into compulsions. Maybe I'm also looking for reassurance that not giving into the compulsions is the correct thing to do. 

[malina]

17 minutes ago, Ryukil said:

I know, I don't know why I'm searching for justification to give into compulsions. Maybe I'm also looking for reassurance that not giving into the compulsions is the correct thing to do. 

Hey Ryukil, I know this process is scary and you want to make sure you're doing it right but I really think you need to have some confidence in yourself. You know the right thing to do, you just have to believe in yourself. 

[taurean]

That's very succinct Malina. And I think it is so. 

To get better, at some point we are going to have to fly solo ✈ 

And if we keep looking for answers, asking for others' opinions, we are in danger of creating a decision-making phobia. And getting conflicting advice which only exacerbates the issue. 

I look forward to soon hearing from Ryukil with how his "solo flights" are doing

Somewhere behind this need to run things past others to check things out is a person with the knowledge to give things a go. 

Therapy does not have to be perfect. Good enough is all it needs to be. 

[Ryukil]

 

 

 

50 minutes ago, taurean said:

That's very succinct Malina. And I think it is so. 

To get better, at some point we are going to have to fly solo ✈ 

And if we keep looking for answers, asking for others' opinions, we are in danger of creating a decision-making phobia. And getting conflicting advice which only exacerbates the issue. 

I look forward to soon hearing from Ryukil with how his "solo flights" are doing

Somewhere behind this need to run things past others to check things out is a person with the knowledge to give things a go. 

Therapy does not have to be perfect. Good enough is all it needs to be. 

Yeah, whether I have a therapist or not I'm going to have to face this eventually. I suppose every compulsion I perform is putting it off more and more, building it into a bigger problem, as opposed to not giving into compulsions and letting the fear sort of unwind itself.