Polar Bear

[taurean]

Thanks for sharing your story dksea. 

What a journey. And what different themes. 

Meds make a real difference for some, though its not possible to know for whom, or what med, or whether any side effects can be overcome. 

I managed to get through the major side effect of diarrhoea on a small dose of Citalopram. It does not much directly for my OCD, but it adds resilience by keeping my moods constant, removing high peaks and low troughs which plagued me in an episode of OCD. 

Having been a regular periodic sufferer from OCD since my early 20s until 27 months ago, the mix of CBT mindfulness and meds has since then kept me good. 

For me CBT is the best, but I had to add mindfulness into the mix to eventually conquer episodes of constantly-repeating intrusive thoughts. 

[MentalChecker]

On 07/06/2019 at 03:21, dksea said:

Sure no problem.  I've been dealing with OCD for about 25 years now, it started when I was around 13 years old.  There have been three huge incidents that have shaped my journey, along with numerous smaller ones.

The first big incident happened one day at school I became sick to my stomach and didn't make it out of the classroom in time (a tad embarrassing but not the end of the world right?).  Well after that I began having extreme fear of being sick again, in general but even more so in public places.  The slightest stomach ache would have me wanting to run to the nurses office, I had trouble getting to sleep at night, going to public places, even church was tough (I'd have to sit on the aisle, "just in case").  It dramatically affected my life.  It also wasn't the only intrusive thoughts I started struggling with, I had anxieties about being gay, having sexual thoughts about family members, etc.  My parents had me see a therapist (traditional talk therapist at first) who after a few sessions referred me to a psychiatrist who quickly (and easily) diagnosed me with OCD.  I began taking medication at that point and things improved significantly.  I was still anxious in some situations (long bus rides for school, airplanes, etc.) but it wasn't nearly as overwhelming.  Over the subsequent years things went up and down, we adjust my medication from time to time depending on how well I was coping.  

The second big incident was when I had my first panic attack, around 10 years after I first developed OCD.  That was one of the worst moments of my life, I genuinely felt like I was either dying or going insane.  I'd never experienced fear like that before.  At that point we adjusted my meds a bit, and I started seeing a therapist too, doing CBT for the first time.  Things got back on track again, I only did a few sessions of the CBT and felt like things were good, and moved on with my life.  

It wasn't until the third big incident that things really really changed.   That one I can date specifically, it was 12 years ago, on June 23, 2007.  I was sitting around, watching TV (Doctor Who,  Season/Series 3 of the new version with David Tenant, the episode was The Sound of the Drums, thats how I can remember the exact date) and I had a brief fleeting image/thought.  I don't remember exactly but the general idea was that I could harm myself with a knife.  Don't know where it came from, don't know why, but it didn't matter, my brain went in to panic mode.  "What if I lose control and hurt/kill myself".  I stewed around in the panic for a little while before first calling my parents (who lived about an hour away) and then driving myself to the local hospital urgent care room because I was afraid to be alone with myself.  I didn't admit to the specifics of the thought right away (just that I was having "anxiety attacks", and I did some serious avoidance, like taking all the sharp knives in my house, putting them in an old toolbox and taking it down to the storage room I had in the apartment building I lived in.  It wasn't just sharp objects either, I feared losing control and jumping off a bridge, or jumping in front of a car too.  I avoided high places, walked as far away from the edge of the road as possible, etc. Eventually after one more panic incident I admitted to a nurse at my psychiatrists office the exact anxieties I was having, still afraid they would lock me up because they would think I was suicidal.  The reality, of course, was the exact opposite, the thought of suicide or harming myself was terrifying.Fortunately the nurse, who worked in the psychiatry office and was probably used to dealing with people with all kinds of mental illness was aware and understanding.  She assured me that I was going to be ok, and that the extreme distress I was feeling at these thoughts probably meant I was the LEAST likely type of person to act on them.  After talking with her I was able to see my psychiatrist, we adjust my meds up again and I started seeing a CBT therapist again, this time for more sessions than before.  And this time I really paid attention, I really started putting in the work and learning the details of CBT and how it worked, and how I had to change my thinking and response to that thinking.  

I had relied almost exclusively on the medication up til that point (I have been fortunate at how effective its been with relatively little side effects) but I took away from these experiences how much CBT could make a difference, how I could short circuit OCD incidents by my own choices and honestly my OCD journey has been a LOT easier since that point.  I've had a few bumps in the road along the way, but compared to 10 or 20 years ago its like I'm living a different life, I am so much more free.  While I continue to take medication and probably always will, being able to apply the CBT techniques gives me the confidence to live my life, knowing I can pretty well handle the occasional intrusive thought.  I'm not perfect, I still make the wrong choices too (and not just about OCD, but lets talk about my eating habits another time ;) ) but I am better and I continue to get better.

When my OCD first hit, riding on a bus was torture to me.  I had to sit as close to the front as possible.  I sucked on mints to try and keep my stomach calm.  If I could I'd sleep, just to avoid having to deal with everything.  I needed to know where the garbage can was, or have a plastic bag or something I could use "just in case".  Even the thought of having to go on a bus trip filled me with anxiety.  Planes were the same way.  Now?  I live in a country (Japan) where taking public transit is the norm.  For awhile I took a train to work every day.  A very very crowded train.  To travel around the city I have to ride the subway, the trains or occasionally the bus.  I fly at least two or three times a year.  And I give my OCD barely a second thought when I do.  I think nothing of hopping on the train to get somewhere. I dread the cramped seats of the plane more than any stomach trouble and I prefer to grab a window seat now and not the aisle like I used to (extra arm space, can lean your head on the side, etc.).  I challenged my anxieties (essentially ERP) and learned to not be afraid of these environments.  Interestingly I have never even come close to being sick on a bus, train or plane in the 25 years since my initial incident.  All that worry over something thats never happened.  Of course if it does happen it will be unpleasant, but I'll be able to deal with it.  Life goes on.  

Its been a long, sometimes slow, journey.  There have been major setbacks and a lot of learning and growing.  I wouldn't wish OCD on anyone and I'd happily use one of my three genie wishes if I found a magic lamp to be rid of it permanently forever, but I can also live a fulfilling and meaningful life with it, just like I do with my asthma, which I also learned to manage (fortunately very mild) or my peanut allergy (also fairly mild).  My biggest regret is not doing the CBT sooner.  I think that would have made a big difference and maybe prevented some of the major incidents that came later.  But I can't change the past, only learn from it.  I wish I had had something like this forum when I was first going through my OCD journey, but its here now so I'm glad others can take advantage of it.  I'm unlucky in that I have OCD, but I'm lucky in that I have had supportive parents, supportive medical professionals and opportunities to improve my life.Some lessons I learned the hard way (CBT CBT CBT) but overall I've been relatively lucky.  Now I can help others 

Hi Dksea, thank you for taking the time to reply with the above. 

Looks like you've had a journey but luckily for you the combination of CBT and medication has been effective. 

Unfortunately I can't take medication and every day is a struggle for me and the last two days especially have been very emotional and draining on both myself and my family.  Will post up my problems in the other thread i created regarding my compulsions. 

[dksea]

16 hours ago, MentalChecker said:

Unfortunately I can't take medication

Medication can be a help, and I recognize how lucky I am in that regard, but many many people recover from OCD without the help of medication.  Its best to focus on what you CAN do than worry about what you know you can't.  
 

16 hours ago, MentalChecker said:

every day is a struggle for me and the last two days especially have been very emotional and draining on both myself and my family.

There were definitely days (and weeks, etc) where just getting through each day was a struggle, where all I really looked forward to was sleep each night, because sleep at least was free from worry for me.  Of course you want to be better and you want to be better as soon as possible.  You have every right to be angry, frustrated, sad, etc. OCD is not fair, no one should have to deal with it, but the reality is we DO have it, so the only path forward is learning how to deal with it.  Some days will be better than others, and its 100% ok to just do your best for each day.  Focus on slow, steady improvement and you'll find that in time it can really add up.  Imagine for example that. you get just 0.1% better each day.  1/10th of 1%.  Thats not a lot right?  But do that over a year and you'll improve 44%, do it over 2 years and you'll be 107% better!  Slow, incremental progress adds up!  Hang in there and do what you can.

 

[MentalChecker]

4 hours ago, dksea said:

Medication can be a help, and I recognize how lucky I am in that regard, but many many people recover from OCD without the help of medication.  Its best to focus on what you CAN do than worry about what you know you can't.  
 

There were definitely days (and weeks, etc) where just getting through each day was a struggle, where all I really looked forward to was sleep each night, because sleep at least was free from worry for me.  Of course you want to be better and you want to be better as soon as possible.  You have every right to be angry, frustrated, sad, etc. OCD is not fair, no one should have to deal with it, but the reality is we DO have it, so the only path forward is learning how to deal with it.  Some days will be better than others, and its 100% ok to just do your best for each day.  Focus on slow, steady improvement and you'll find that in time it can really add up.  Imagine for example that. you get just 0.1% better each day.  1/10th of 1%.  Thats not a lot right?  But do that over a year and you'll improve 44%, do it over 2 years and you'll be 107% better!  Slow, incremental progress adds up!  Hang in there and do what you can.

 

You sound a very positive person Dksea. Some days I hate life so much and just wish I could just go to sleep and never wake back up. I never used to be like this I was always a positive person and loved life and wanted to live forever before this **** in my life took over.

The problem I have is knowing if its OCD or not that's causing my problems.

Again I can't be sure it's OCD as the thing I worry about isn't irrational and is possible..... 

Edited June 14, 2019 by MentalChecker

[dksea]

2 hours ago, MentalChecker said:

Again I can't be sure it's OCD as the thing I worry about isn't irrational and is possible....

Irrationality/possibility isn't what defines an issue being OCD or not.  Here are some of the anxieties I have struggled with while dealing with OCD:

• Throwing up, especially in public
• Being gay
• Harming myself
• Having a heart attack
• Having cancer
• Going "crazy" (schizophrenia, etc.)

Every single one of them is possible, especially the first one, its something that happens, yet I was insanely terrified of it happening.  The problem was not whether my fear was possible, or the idea of it was irrational, its that the level of anxiety it caused was dramatically out of line with how non-OCD people would feel.

OCD is really pretty simple when you get down to it.  Obsessions are just thoughts that get stuck in our head that cause distress.  Compulsions are actions we take (including mental actions) to try and relieve that distress.  Disorder is because its not how most "normal" people would react and also causes us significant impairment in our daily lives.

Obsessions can be about ANYTHING.  Some of them are things that normal people worry about too.  The difference is the degree and frequency of the worry, not the idea itself.

As a general rule of thumb, when dealing with OCD, if you think it MIGHT be OCD, it probably is.  That rule has basically never lead me astray.  If I have any doubt, I treat the thought as an OCD thought, and handle it using CBT.  On the off chance its not, its still a pretty effective problem solving method.  And if something is not OCD?  Well I know, it feels different, I don't wonder.  I guess thats part of the OCD too.

OCD demands certainty, it demands absolute certainty, something that is impossible.  Needing to be SURE that something is OCD before addressing the problem is, in itself, a subtle way OCD is at work.  The reality is you DONT need to be sure a thought/worry is OCD.  Assume it is and go from there.  Waiting for absolute certainty is just playing OCD's game, and if you play the game, you'll lose.  OCD has the odds stacked in its favor worse than a Las Vegas casino.  You win by choosing not to play OCD's game, and that includes accepting doubt, even about OCD.

[Black]

Reading this thread and the comments has been so helpful to me, yes I’m sure I’ve used it as a reassurance seeking compulsion but at least I’m aware of that. 

Mental checker my heart goes out to you, it’s such a hard journey isn’t it, sorry I’m not able to be much help at the moment but wishing you strength on your journey.

[MentalChecker]

Many Thanks Dksea and Black for your responses.

Yes that's one of my problems, is knowing if it really is OCD that's causing my problems.

I know for sure that the behaviours I'm using to reduce the anxiety is defintely OCD as I'm doing the compulsions to get reassurance and thus reduce the anxiety.

And although Dksea I have read and appreciate all the time and effort you have taken to write your responses I never quite seem to feel that the examples given match my fear.....

The only saving grace I have is that I can see that me performing the compulsions provides me with a temporary fix (although very short) and therefore surely if I get a temporary fix and reassurance then the thing I'm worried about can't be that possible.....

And when I get the same worry and urge to perform the same compulsion again, then surely I shouldn't have to perform it again as I've already done it and got the reassurance before.... But that is also reassurance by me trying to remember how I felt about it last time I did it to reduce the anxiety this time.... If that makes sense..... 

Edited June 14, 2019 by MentalChecker