Brain Strain (or, y'know, something)

[Cub]

Hi y'all

I've just come back from a really nice week away with my dad and stepmum; we were camping and at a festival, so it's all been good.

Today, I had the day off ahead of going back to work tomorrow and I'm just...feeling a little unsettled in my own skin. This is a difficult one to explain, but I seem to struggle generally on days off. I don't think I'm entirely happy. It's not that I'm lonely, exactly because I like time alone but more that I'm wary to be alone because I always have to be doing something. I'm particularly worried because I can often feel stuck in limbo and my whole body strains with it; it's like I'm on the alert, not relaxed. I think of a hundred things to do at once, or I can't think of anything to do at all. I feel the strain so much and it's like I would rather be worrying about something. It feels like more work not to worry than to worry. I guess at least when I'm worrying, I have something occupying my mind.

And that makes me feel terrible. I'm lucky to have the life I have but it's like I want stuff to be wrong so I have stuff to worry about. And I don't, I really don't, but I'm just struggling with this feeling so much. I don't want to waste my life worrying but I can't seem to treasure the times when things are fine. I feel so bad for the times in my twenties when I worried too much. The festival this week has given me a chance to think about my day-to-day existence; I'm not entirely happy with my life (I know, no-one is, really and the grass is always greener etc.) and I'm worried about how I spend my spare time because I just seem to exist and slump. I tried to shake it up today but I just wound up with this same feeling. It's like my brain is straining to stay occupied and it just tires me out. What will it take for me to relax? I also went to a valuable talk about mental health and I'm trying to apply what we were told to my everyday life. I'm just finding everything so hard and I find myself strangely reluctant to go back to work tomorrow.

Can anyone help me with this? I'm really struggling to cope with this and I don't like it. I don't want to do this to myself anymore. I'm tired of hurting myself with worries and wasting precious brain fuel and energy on problems that don't exist. I'm just so tired of my brain being like this at all; tired of feeling unsettled, of not belonging anywhere, of losing people, of trying too hard to enjoy a day and crashing and burning with that determination. I just genuinely don't know how to relax without feeling depressed but I'm tired all the time and I can't chill. I don't know what to do. 

C x

[malina]

Hey Cub,

I'm not sure I can offer any advice but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in feeling like this. I'm exactly the same, my partner and I decided to take a few days off next week and it's my first break in months but I'm honestly dreading it a bit. I think that you may be putting too much pressure on trying to enjoy yourself and being productive. When your brain isn't occupied, it's looking for things to worry about and so you feel anxious and uncomfortable. Maybe just try to let those feelings in, stop trying to fight them and who cares if you get anxious, the world won't end. 

[Cub]

That's actually really helpful, Malina, thankyou! I think you're right about the pressure for both enjoyment and productivity; it seeps into every corner of my life. I'm really trying not to pressurise myself but it truly is incredibly difficult to just switch off; it's like I'm determined to enjoy myself. I think I need to learn to bear with it a bit more. I shall try that on my next day off. I hope you enjoy your break; I'm sure it's well-deserved.  

Thankyou again.  

C x