Forgotten how to deal with Real Event / Guilt OCD

[greentop]

Hi there,

I have had a specific real event OCD crop up time and time again, making me feel guilt and morally wrong. To be honest at this stage I’m nearly tempted just to confess what I’ve done just to stop the pain of it. But alas I will continue to fight! When it crops up however I’ve actually forgotten how to deal with it. At the moment I’m trying to say ok I acknowledge this repetitive thought of the bad thing I’ve done and the gains I’m receiving from it but I will not react to it. But I’m not sure if it’s working... does anyone have any recommendations for exactly what they do or a book that relates to real event OCD that may help me?

Thanks!

[Nellie]

Hi greentop.

 I sympathise - I had a panic attack recently over a real event I've managed not to confess for a year and I was desperate to confess on the spot just to end the horror. Constant fantasies of confessing churning around in my head.... Managed not to, and now I don't really want to even think about the topic, certainly don't feel inclined to confess. (I'm sure the urge will be back but it's gone for the moment). I will try to reconstruct what I did. I think I told myself some version of the following:

• You are very anxious right now, so don't trust your reasoning. It might seem sensible to confess, but remember that previously it has seemed better not to confess. There might have been something in that view that you can't see right now. It's ok that you don't know right now what's the best thing to do, so decide to do nothing about it, at least for now. Remember that confessing is a compulsion, so for that reason alone be very wary of it and certainly don't do it just to escape the anxiety.
• You can live with the anxiety. Just take the next breath when you need to, and the next step when you need to (I got that from someone else's post on this forum and it really helped! So thanks for that, can't remember who said it.). The feelings will go and it doesn't matter that you had a panic in public. Other people will be fine with it, just look after yourself for now.

Once I'd calmed down I think I talked myself through my "cognitive" view of the situation, to put things in perspective a bit (all of which I've worked out very gradually in less anxious moments):

• Maybe that thing I did was very bad, maybe it wasn't. I just don't know. It seemed ok to do it at the time but who knows? I will aim to leave it at that if I can and not try to find "the truth".
• I can choose to forgive myself for deciding to do the thing I did. And I can choose to forgive myself for deciding to not figure it out any further right now. Both those decisions might prove to be wrong in time but right now they are the best I can do and I can choose to accept the risk that goes with making those decisions.

Hope some of that is relevant. This is so, so hard. Hardest thing I've ever done. X

[greentop]

Hi Nellie, it’s comforting to know other people have been there and not confessed. This advice is super helpful and I think you’re right. I seem to be able to get a handle on all of my forms of OCD but real events and moral scruples I just struggle with so much. I’m going to try really hard with this one. Thank you for your kind message x