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Hi everyone, I'm a 17 year old who cannot cope with the thoughts inside my head. It's a daily struggle and has completely taken over all parts of my life. I used to be a very good footballer who played for professional teams however I cannot continue playing despite how much I used to enjoy it. This is because my thoughts simply will not allow me to, it's like I'm not even there physically I'm just on autopilot doing anything whilst unbearable intrusive and racing thoughts flood my mind. I'm on the pitch and I feel like going off crying at times. I'm in England and currently in College. It's next to impossible to concentrate in class and has manifested into poor exam results as well as teacher concern for lack of effort. I'm unable to speak to girls I'm attracted to because all my effort goes into coping with my torturous thoughts. I've lost interest in my old hobbies such as history, boxing, football, politics and gaming. 

I've had OCD tendencies for a few years now but made nothing of it. An example of this is when I couldn't stop thinking about my breathing. I felt like I was manually breathing all day everyday and it was very stressful. I also had an irrational fear that flies were going to fly into my ears for many months which sounds ridiculous. Lastly, in my exams I've taken I constantly fear that I'm going to scribble out my entire work...

I very suddenly have these very bad stomach aches that make me feel sick to my stomach as well as sharp headaches that occur often. Also, I find myself having a very high heart rate when there is no danger around and I'm very jumpy and easily scared. For example, I go to a bus station every college day and the horns make me jump out of my skin, it doesn't affect anybody else. I've also had multiple panic attacks and crying episodes occur almost daily and multiple times. Hot flashes and being overwhelmed by stress also happens almost everyday. Small issues anger me very quickly and I'm often irritable and almost constantly restless. I have next to 0 sex drive and have ED which I assume is down to stress. I have acne breakout very badly all over my face.

I can't stop thinking about my insecurity: my height. It's not much bothered me before but now, it's something I worry about everyday (I'm around 5 ft 7). I have no confidence and have isolated myself from all of my friends as I find it easier due to the risk of embarrassing myself or saying the wrong thing. I feel like I'm going crazy and that I've lost my mind. The only ways I try to deal with my problems is by trying to stimulate myself enough to help distract me. For example I'll listen to music whilst watching a film with subtitles and I'm constantly eating whenever I can. In addition, I'm also addicted to my phone. I become very distressed when I don't have access to it. 

I have had suicidal thoughts but I value life very much and fear death. Furthermore, my beautiful dogs as well as the image of my parents carrying my coffin don't allow me to take action. I feel scared that i'm at my wits end and may not be able to take it much longer. I feel very hopeless. One of the most frustrating things is that nobody knows, at all. I feel I need to talk to somebody but it's extremely difficult to start the conservation. I appreciate any advise or help you could give me. Thank you.

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Hello there, Tom, welcome to the forum. I see this is your first post. :hug:

I am so sorry that you're finding things difficult; it sounds like you're under a tremendous amount of pressure from the thoughts in your head and of course with the demands of college and growing up, at such a stage in your life, it truly is incredibly difficult to cope with it all. I was 17 when my OCD kicked off and very unhappy; I couldn't concentrate in class and once nearly threw up in the middle of a history lesson because I was afraid that God wouldn't love me anymore; I was suffering blasphemous thoughts, you see. I used to come home for lunch and cry and pray on the bed, or cry during study sessions; I just couldn't cope and once, walking into college, thought quite calmly about throwing myself in front of a car. I recall finding complete distraction with a hot bath, or an episode of Hollyoaks or Doctor Who - those specifically, I recall. I still get a lot of memories of that time whenever I watch Doctor Who Series 3. 

The important thing is that you have reached out and asked for help and I promise you that being here will help tremendously; it certainly helped me. Have you spoken to your parents and your GP? I promise you that speaking about it will help; you can even show them this website if you like and it will help them to understand what's going on in your head? Do speak to them; we're all here and have your back if they require further information. 

You are being incredibly brave right now and from one sufferer to another I am truly proud of you for talking. I hope you feel a little bit better for having got all that out, although of course it's no cure. Have you had a little look around the website for information that could assist you and help you understand some of your own problems? If it's any consolation, I still get irritable (though that may be partly to working in customer service, ha!) and I still jump at loud noises if I'm lost in my head; I tend to withdraw from people and the stomach aches are terrible. Recently a report revealed that children say 'My tummy hurts' when they have anxiety but of course they're too young to make the connection in their own heads. But I promise you, you are not going crazy; you're just suffering distress in your mind, the same you would suffer distress of the body if you banged your head or broke your leg. You're just hurting a lot on the inside.

The next thing you need to do is have a talk with your parents, or someone you trust. Do you think you might be able to do that this weekend? Sit them down, explain that there's something very important you need to tell them and just tell them everything you've told us. You can also have this website on access on your phone if you'd like to show them more.

It's going to be alright, sweetheart. We're all here for you.

C x

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Thanks a lot for the reply Cub, (I didn't expect a response so fast). It's comforting that you're so very understanding of my situation and supportive.. I've got to admit writing it all down for somebody else to see it's also very comforting. I don't feel able to sit my parents down formally as I wouldn't know how to express it in a way that they understand. They're loving parents who always have done what's best for me but like any family we fall out from time to time. As It feels like I've been 'pretending' to feel ok them I think would shock them to understand the extent of what's going on. This is why i think it best they found out through a 3rd party if that makes sense.

I have a close relationship with my Grandma but she lives almost an hour away and see her every few weeks. Perhaps she may be able to listen. At my college my form tutor has made it clear that if we have any personal problems we can and should go to him and that he's 'seen everything before'. Though I feel that I'd be most comfortable talking to a GP on my own (online if possible) as then i would be able to explain through a doctor's eyes and better try to make sense of how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling like i am. 

 

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5 minutes ago, Tom Butterworth said:

Though I feel that I'd be most comfortable talking to a GP on my own (online if possible) as then i would be able to explain through a doctor's eyes and better try to make sense of how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling like i am. 

 

That's a great idea Tom. I would definitely go that route if that is your most comfortable one. Are you able to do that soon? Contacting a professional first might be helpful anyhow as then you may be able to have more information for your parents/grandma if/when you open up to them.

I really feel for you--sounds like you are going through a very hard time with all of this. The teen years are hard anyhow (at least mine were) and then when we have some extra mental health issues it can be especially challenging. You've done the right thing in reaching out for help. And it does get so much better once you get on the track to recovery.

I'm glad that even writing it out on here has been helpful. Keep in touch on here as its a very supportive community.

Hopefully one of the moderators can come on too and help direct you to the right mental health services in your area.

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1 hour ago, leif said:

That's a great idea Tom. I would definitely go that route if that is your most comfortable one. Are you able to do that soon? Contacting a professional first might be helpful anyhow as then you may be able to have more information for your parents/grandma if/when you open up to them.

I really feel for you--sounds like you are going through a very hard time with all of this. The teen years are hard anyhow (at least mine were) and then when we have some extra mental health issues it can be especially challenging. You've done the right thing in reaching out for help. And it does get so much better once you get on the track to recovery.

I'm glad that even writing it out on here has been helpful. Keep in touch on here as its a very supportive community.

Hopefully one of the moderators can come on too and help direct you to the right mental health services in your area.

Yes, i would be able to that immediately in regards to seeking help from a GP but I do not really know how I would go about it practically. I'll be be sure to stay in touch with the community because it acts as a safe space to allow us to freely speak :)

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Hi Tom

On pretending to be okay and wondering if you're going to worry your parents; I can tell you now, many parents can be surprised at things their children tell them because they weren't expecting it. Part of mental health is figuring out how to hide it so others are not worried or suspicious so to that end, the revelation of what's really been happening can be a shock. Talking to your grandma would be a good idea; she might be able to help you explain to your parents, if that's what you feel most comfortable with. But don't be afraid not to tell them either. As my dad told me the other day - you never stop worrying about your children. They're there to love and support you. 

You're welcome for the response; your story just resonated with me and I want to give you a massive hug because heck yes, I got it. Got your back, bro. :hug:

C x

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1 hour ago, Tom Butterworth said:

Yes, i would be able to that immediately in regards to seeking help from a GP but I do not really know how I would go about it practically. I'll be be sure to stay in touch with the community because it acts as a safe space to allow us to freely speak :)

What are the obstacles to seeing a gp for you? 

Could you see the form tutor you mentioned to help you access a gp? even if you don't want to give them too much info about what you are going through could they at least tell you how to access a gp?

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Thanks for the advise, in regards to difficulties seeing a GP, it would mean I'd have to tell my parents and go with them which I'm not too sure how to do. Or, I would have to go on my and being 17 it's quite daunting especially if I hide it from my parents.  I'll arrange a meeting with my form tutor next week and explain my situation and get the help of a GP. It's quite embarrassing but I think I just need to bite the bullet, it's been too long now. 

Edited by Tom Butterworth
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Hi @Tom Butterworth

Just wanted to check in and see if you've been able to make any progress to seeing a GP. Nothing to be embarrassed about. It's amazing all the conditions people are trying to hide from each other. So great that you are looking to get help.

I noticed in another thread (titled Miami) that Hal, one of the mods, mentioned a GP icebreaker sheet that they had on here somewhere. That may be helpful for you as well. 

Please let us know how your progress goes.

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