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Petal

I know I wasn’t raped, but obsessed by it.

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I’m finally with the most, kind genuine and loving guy I’ve ever been with and am so happy. The world is commenting about my happiness.

On Friday night we talked about having sex and I knew it was on partners mind (P). I got into bed naked and turned on side and began using my phone, I was having a conversation with my friend as had to sort  something before the morning.

Partner then spooned up against me and began to have sex with me on the side, a little cheeky and naughty as I was on the phone, it was all very quiet though. I moved my body towards him I didn’t say no or anything as was talking to friend, rather just let him carry on, he didn’t  finish. I wasn’t ready for sex as I was on phone but due to the sporadic nature I went with it. Bit uncomfortable as wasn’t ready or prepared but it didnt really bother me at the time.

P then tried to give me oral pleasure (still on phone) bit jokey From him. My mate had no idea again all quiet. But I got annoyed with P body language etc and indicated for him to get off which he did.

I finished the call with my mate but then had to send a text. I let P carry on but said I’ve gotta deal with this text. He was surprised when he came up and was still dealing with business on phone.

We then had consensual sex but I wasn’t into it, but let P get pleasure. After he finished he said that was all one sided sorry selfish. I thought he meant cus I wasn’t making an effort but he meant in terms of his pleasure.

im now left with these awful thoughts I know it wasn’t rape but I’m checking the definition I.e. ifyou’re not ready for sex and you just let someone carry on is that rape? There was no pressure from P whatsoever just wasn’t expecting it but I moved my body into his so we could connect.  Surely i wouldn’t do that if i thought it was rape. I’ve been googling definitions too and mind has stretched so far, a million miles like go to police- ridiculous.

This has got me sooooo upset, in tears was at work this morning and had to message partner to say :

ME ‘I love you so much, just a bit down with how the sex went fri night’

 P: I love you so much too, I am so sorry about Friday I’ve been feeling really bad, I hope you can forgive me as I hate to think I made you feel upset

My OCD kicked in so had to check what he is feeling bad about - thoughts going wild ‘rape rape rape’

P: That I carried on when you weren’t ready, we should have both enjoyed it’

This has really affected our relationship this weekend, P gave me a cuddle earlier and I told him I have all these thoughts going on in my head and started to cry so I’ve taken myself upstairs to bed. P is downstairs with the kids, How can I tell him I’ve having thoughts he raped me what damage that would do.

please help me I need to go back downstairs Brave face And have tea with him and step kids and just wanna cry.

Honestly if you met P you truly would see what a beautiful heart he has and whilst he was thinking of his pleasure at the time he would never ever force me to do anything.

I just wish he hadn’t had sex with me whilst I was on the phone and not engaged with it.

please help he I’m in such distress, I truly would marry this guy tomorrow. Can’t stand what this thought might do to us. 

What if the OCD Wins and I let these thoughts ring so true that i finish it...

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Hey Petal,

I've had these issues with my partner in the past as well and it's all a load of nonsense made up by OCD to make you doubt your relationship. I think firstly, you have to recognise your compulsions here - you ruminated about what had happened and you googled definitions of rape. What you need to do is to realise that your fears are completely removed from reality and to try and not engage with them. Just don't give OCD a way in, you know your partner didn't rape you, you know this is OCD. Get your head into that space and then start reducing the compulsions, stop trying to remember exactly what happened, definitely stop googling. 

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Thanks Malina what a comforting, direct and straight to the point response. It has really helped me, as anxiety is through the roof xxx

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Just now, Petal said:

Thanks Malina what a comforting, direct and straight to the point response. It has really helped me, as anxiety is through the roof xxx

Stay strong Petal you can do this xx

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I can I can I can.

Its just trying to get it into perspective, in hindsight he could have waited til I got off the phone so he has apologised. But I tend to make things so much bigger in my mind, then feel violated ahhhhhhhhhhh

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Just now, Petal said:

in hindsight he could have waited til I got off the phone so he has apologised

But see these are situations that people don't always think through thoroughly. He probably just thought it was spontaneous and exciting, with absolutely no intention of hurting you. I certainly don't think he expected you to get this upset about it because most people wouldn't. If you expect him to think through every intimate situation like this, it would only lead to awkwardness in your relationship and would ultimately take out a lot of the spontaneity of it. If you feel unhappy with something, that is fair and you should definitely say so, but you even said yourself that, while you were a bit uncomfortable, it didn't really bother you at the time. And you feel comfortable enough to discuss these issues with him. He sounds like a good guy :yes: 

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Very true and you have hit the nail on the head as he said ‘I just thought it was a bit naughty, whilst you were speaking with your friend’ he’s a very good guy 

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I also honestly (rational head not ocd brain) know that if I was being raped whilst on phone I would have ended call, told friend stopped it all. Or orally abused...

I certainly wouldn’t be posting here but spending the time in a police station.

just have self doubt all the time so that side of me beats the rational side does that make sense ??

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1 minute ago, Petal said:

Very true and you have hit the nail on the head as he said ‘I just thought it was a bit naughty, whilst you were speaking with your friend’ he’s a very good guy 

So there you go! I have a lot of different doubts about my partner as well. I'm in a similar situation to yours, I'm pretty certain that we will get married fairly soon and I feel really happy, but I have so many intrusive thoughts about him. Every time I realise how happy I am with him, I get some weird intrusive thought about him being a bad person in one way or another. I think OCD just makes you doubt the things that you value and love the most. So maybe you can turn this current experience into a lesson for how to react next time you have doubts like this about your partner. You saw here how you lost perspective, how you let the irrational side take over and how you did a variety of compulsions. Maybe try to think through your actions and how you can react differently next time. I hope you're feeling better about this now xx

 

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I am thank you and please know that should you be having a tough time and post I’ll be there for you also. xx

you're so right ocd does attack you for those you love and value, it’s like ohhh you’re happy let’s do something to dampen it and shed doubt! Well two fingers up to you ocd as Malina and I deserve happiness along with the other beauties on this forum. X

 

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5 minutes ago, Petal said:

I am thank you and please know that should you be having a tough time and post I’ll be there for you also. xx

you're so right ocd does attack you for those you love and value, it’s like ohhh you’re happy let’s do something to dampen it and shed doubt! Well two fingers up to you ocd as Malina and I deserve happiness along with the other beauties on this forum. X

 

Thanks that is so nice of you :hug:

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Rape is when a person doesn’t give consent. You seem very aware of what he was doing & you didn’t say anything.  

This is sure to impact your relationship until you can discuss it throughly  

 

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Hi @Petal, sorry to hear you are having a rough time.  One problem with OCD sufferers is we often fall in to very black and white thinking, either something is A or its B.  Additionally we tend to become bad at accepting negative emotions and experiences.  In your case you had a sexual encounter with your spouse, you weren't fully satisfied by it, which is totally valid for any reason, so your OCD is setting up this false idea that "less than ideal experience" = "bad experience" = "rape".  Obviously your rational mind can tell the difference, but it can still take effort to accept this fully with the OCD screaming at you from the side lines.  I have to work on this kind of thinking too, the idea that if I don't "feel right" it means something terrible must be true.  Instead I try to take a healthier attitude.  I've got a bit of a headache? Oh well, it happens, no big deal.  I'm feeling a bit tired today?  Oh well, it happens, I'll try and get better sleep tonight.  That sort of thing.  In your case you were just not in the mood, and thats ok.  You tried to be accommodating for your partner, very thoughtful of you, but thinking about it after you would do things different.  Thats ok too, you both had a learning experience.  Going forward you have a better idea of when you want to be intimate and when you don't.  OCD is trying to make a big deal out of this and that sucks, for sure.  Try your best to remind yourself that OCD lies, that you know the truth and let the thoughts go without trying to analyze them. Easier said than done of course, but I think you can do it!

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5 hours ago, dksea said:

the idea that if I don't "feel right" it means something terrible must be true. 

This is such a good way of putting it. I feel this way a lot of the time too, at times it isn't even about specific concerns but just general mood, I feel off today = I am doomed. I like your approach to dealing with this, definitely something I'm going to try :yes:

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1 hour ago, malina said:

This is such a good way of putting it. I feel this way a lot of the time too, at times it isn't even about specific concerns but just general mood, I feel off today = I am doomed. I like your approach to dealing with this, definitely something I'm going to try :yes:

I hope it helps! It’s not always easy, I still have to work at it myself, but even being aware of that process at work helps me. 

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Thanks Dksea, sound advice now the hard bit put into practice.

feel quite down today, my mate called and was with P in the car, we had a conversation about her husband and I had a thought that triggered my feeling, I.e. bet you’re husband have never raped you’ then everyone thinks P is such a nice person.

whats that about if it wasn’t abuse? 

 

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6 hours ago, Petal said:

whats that about if it wasn’t abuse?

It can be particularly frustrating for those of us with OCD, but when a particular impactful event happens in our lives its normal that our thinking will be influenced by, colored by that event.  For example, lets say you are driving your car, following all the rules, but some jerk who isn't paying attention hits you from behind.  You aren't seriously hurt (thankfully) but its still rather frightening.  For at least some time afterward you are probably going to have a lot of thoughts related to that.  When you are driving or around cars your thoughts and responses are going to be affected by that incident.  Maybe you are afraid to drive, afraid of having another accident. Your odds of being in an accident haven't changed, you are still experiencing, more or less, the same outside world as you were before the accident, but your brains reaction to that world has been changed.
Similarly, you had an experience, with this intrusive thought about rape, that is coloring your perception of the world around you.  Right now that topic is on top of your mind and its affecting how you interpret things around you.  Maybe this will help:
Timeline:  Thought A happened, sometime later thought B happened.
OCD Thinking:  Because I had thought B, it must mean there is some truth to thought A
Reality:  Because thought A happened you are more likely to have thought B.

Here's another example of this phenomenon at work.  Lets say you buy a nice new car.  How exciting!  You're driving home from the dealership in your shiny new car and you notice another one on the road.  And then another.  And then another.  Suddenly it feels like you are SURROUNDED by other people driving the same car as you!  What kind of weird black magic is this?!  Again, the reality is the cars have always been there, you simply didn't much care about them before, so you didn't notice them.  But when you buy the car, it becomes top of your mind, your brain raises its importance, and you notice it more often.  You'll probably notice other things too, like where convenient gas/petrol stations are located.  Or if you already had an older car before, now that you have a shiny new car you might be more aware of how close you park to things, not wanting to cause damage to it, where as with the old car you didn't care as much.

Basically the events that happen in our lives change how we view and think about the world around us, but we can also actively change how we process this information too.  This mental flexibility is what allows us to combat OCD.  Just as your brain is currently big on the whole "rape" topic right now, you can, through CBT, teach your brain NOT to make a big deal out of those kind of thoughts.  Each time you resist a compulsion, or push through anxiety related to a thought, you are sending a message to your brain "that thoughts not a big deal, you don't have to focus on it".  In time you unlearn the anxiety connection.  Just like unlearning a bad habit, or getting a song out of your head.  Ignore it and it will go away in essence.

Hope that helps!

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Thank you that does make sense but my heads a bit fuzzy today so might need some time out to process. I’ve been reading a report of an anal rape that was allocated to my team today at work, and that has really got me!

Head fuzzy, I’m desperate to cuddle my partner and get him to prove to me, tell me continuously he didn’t take me (can’t bare to write the word but you know what I’m referring to).

i just wish from bottom of my heart he’d have waited until I got off the phone! 🥺very distressed today, not sure I can continue rest of my shift.

Can someone get me through even if it’s just until 6pm.

If I go home to him tonight and he asks how my days been and i will I say ‘sad cus I’m still telling myself you rxxxd me, ‘ how does that sound!!!

 

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I feel for you and I can relate to your anxiety. Going off your shift won't solve anything, you will end up somewhere ruminating and feeling even more anxious. 

Take care

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Thank you I love him so much...

I’m having this constant mental argument in my brain trying to figure out that night and telling myself well finish with him then, got to police! Can’t do that 

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Hi,

Some great advice above Petal.

I've never been in your position before, but I have been an OCD sufferer on the other side of this- worrying that I'd done something (spontaneous) without consent and then getting into an argument with my OH about whether I'm a monster or not (and trying to convince her of the fact), googling, posting on forums (not this one). This was a while ago though- it didn't do our relationship any good but thankfully with treatment this, and many other obsessions sit in the background, napping for now.

You've got to stop ruminating about it- googling definitions, posting on other forums looking for opinions on the definition of what happened, etc. etc. all of these are compulsions which will just serve to keep you stuck.

It's an intrusive thought- treat it like one. Recognise when it crops up, don't act on the compulsions that it's begging you too. Maybe find  distraction for now. This is going to take some time to shift but please don't let it ruin your relationship. When you beat this and look back, you'll probably wonder why it became such a big issue.

Hope you have a better day.

Binx

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Thank you binx, you’re so right.

i only post here though.

im going to try to sleep tonight and try ever so hard not to discuss with P when I get home x

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2 hours ago, Petal said:

Failed just had a break down on P 

Oh dear, I hope you're feeling okay Petal! xx

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On 17/06/2019 at 22:34, Petal said:

i just wish from bottom of my heart he’d have waited until I got off the phone! 🥺very distressed today, not sure I can continue rest of my shift.

Can someone get me through even if it’s just until 6pm.

 If I go home to him tonight and he asks how my days been and i will I say ‘sad cus I’m still telling myself you rxxxd me, ‘ how does that sound!!!


So sorry that you are still struggling with this Petal.  I know its in the past now from when you were asking for help, but I wanted to reply anyway in hopes it can help you in the future.  

Its typical of OCD sufferers to assume worst case scenarios, even when there is a wide range of in between.  In your case it seems like that is manifesting as a separation between rape/not rape.  Because you had some regrets/weren't 100% in to the sexual encounter, your OCD is like "oh well in that case it must be rape!".  But you can separate yourself from that kind of black/white thinking and recognize that there is a difference between that and what you went through (if thats what you feel).

You have the right to think about a situation afterwards and feel like it was not what you'd prefer.  You can tell them too, talk about what you liked, what you didn't like.  That doesn't mean it was rape, just that you don't want to do that again, you have that right.  It can be a learning experience for both of you to improve your intimacy going forward.  Try not to listen to OCD's catastrophizing, trust yourself and what you know to be true, not what OCD tries to scare you in to believing.

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