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cinnamonroll224

POCD or am I a pedo?

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So I'm currently 20 years old, and I've have OCD from a young age, about age 13, which stemmed from being over protective of my siblings, then as time went on turned into contamination OCD, HOCD, being scared I'm schizophrenia. 

But now I'm dealing with POCD and this is scaring me. I'm now 20 and let me say I'll never in my life hurt/harm a child. But I was on Instagram yesterday and someone I followed posted a pic of their daughter, and I started getting intrusive thoughts about her. So to relieve the thoughts I masturbated to it and felt guilt instantly. IDK if this is hormones, POCD, or if I'm actually a P.

Also I generally masturbate to straight porn, but for some reason on occasion I get an urge to type in google "girls in stockings" and masturbate to it. With the girls generally being under 13. I realize it's wrong whilst masturbating and usually close the page before orgasming. I'm just stressed rn why do I get these urges??

 

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Hi @cinnamonroll224, welcome to the forums.  Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.  My own OCD started at 13 so I can appreciate the frustrations you have gone through during that time. I hope you are able to find some help here!  A few things I want to mention to you.

First, I think its a good idea to not think of it as "POCD" or "HOCD" or what not.  OCD is OCD, and as you have experienced personally, the particularly worry can change from time to time.  By thinking of it as separate types of OCD people often fall in to the trap of thinking they are different things to treat, and you have to take different steps.  The reality is all OCD can be treated the same way, recovery is basically the same process regardless.  Treating all OCD as OCD helps you by not focusing on the specific worries too.

Second, sexual related anxieties are pretty common, I've had them myself, and they can be hard to deal with because of the embarrassing nature of discussing it with others.  Thats one advantage of these forums, being semi-anonymous makes it easier for some people to share such details.  One of the reasons sexuality is problematic is that societal standards can differ from our more basic primal urges.  

You can't control your initial reaction to stimuli, at lest not directly.  You see an image/person/etc, you have a thought, that just happens.  We like to think we control all our thoughts, but that is not the case, much of our thoughts are automatic, they happen in the background.  In a non-OCD person this is not a big deal, they can easily throw away unimportant thoughts, sometimes without even really noticing them.  OCD people do it too, most of the time, but sometimes, unfortunately, thoughts can get "stuck".  It doesn't mean the thought is important, but because it doesn't go away like it should, we are fooled in to believing it IS important and reacting to it.

For example, take your situation.  You saw an image, you had an instinctive reaction, a thought popped in to your head "what if that means I'm a pedophile??"  A non OCD person would react by noting to themselves, as you did "thats ridiculous, I know I would never hurt a child!" and simply move on.  Their brain would mark the thought as unimportant.  An OCD person does the same thing, but the thought doesn't get marked correctly.  It doesn't get put away, it sticks around and so you start to think "gee maybe its important after all".  Its not, its a false alarm, but it FEELS like a real alarm.

If you are in school, and you hear a fire alarm go off, your first reaction might be "oh man, there might be a fire".  Its unexpected and so you think it might be the real thing.  You wait for information to confirm this, and if no new information comes (like, an announcement its a mistake) you react as if it were real.  On the other hand, if you know before hand that its NOT a real fire, say they told you there would be a drill, or that they would be testing the alarms, OR if after it initially goes off there is an announcement that its a false alarm, you react differently, you get on with your day.

But what if the alarm goes off, its a false alarm, but no one ever tells you its a false alarm?  You'll react as if its real, and keep reacting as if its real.  Lets say there is a broken wire, so someone is broadcasting the message that its a false alarm, but the speaker doesn't announce it to you.  Thats kinda what OCD is.  Part of your brain is registering the alarm, and another part is saying, "no, false alarm!" but the speaker is broken.  

All of which is to say that your fears and doubts are totally in line with OCD, and telling you that might give you some relief, but you are still going to feel anxiety at the intrusive thought of being a pedophile, no matter what I say.  You are still going to feel doubt, the creeping "but what if...".  You want, more than anything, for this doubt to go away.

The good news is it CAN go away.  The bad news is, not as directly or quickly as you would probably like.  You essentially need to manually train your brain to behave more like a normal brain.  You have to teach it to treat these thoughts as unimportant.  You do that using a technique called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT.  At the most basic, when you have the thought, you avoid reacting to it how OCD wants you to, i.e. doing compulsions (ruminating, checking, testing, etc.), instead you avoid compulsions, ride out the anxiety and try your best to get on with your day.  At first it is challenging, but if you keep at it, in time the thoughts will bother you less and less, you might still have the doubts "what if ..." but you don't care as much anymore.  The worries become boring.  It doesn't mean you LIKE the idea of being a pedophile, or want to be one.  You simply recognize that the idea is not even worth worrying about, that you aren't that type of person, and these thoughts don't mean anything, that the whole  thing is just garbage thoughts, not worth your time.

If you aren't seeing a therapist or psychiatrist about your OCD, if you aren't already learning and doing CBT I definitely encourage you to look in to it if at all possible.  There are also books that can help you do it on your own, though its going to be a little more difficult and require more work on your part.  But it does help and is worth it.  Depending on your situation and your preferences medication to help may also be a possibility, you can talk with your doctor about that as well, but CBT should be included in your recovery plan regardless.

I hope that has helped and I hope you are able to move forward with your recovery soon.  Always feel free to post on the forums, there are lots of people here who will be happy to help you with your questions and encourage you in your recovery journey.

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See a doctor & get a diagnosis. We are not doctors.  It's the best way. Very few people just have OCD, most everyone has other conditions happening & seeing a doctors gets this resolved.

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7 hours ago, Handy said:

See a doctor & get a diagnosis. We are not doctors.  It's the best way. Very few people just have OCD, most everyone has other conditions happening & seeing a doctors gets this resolved.

'Doctors' don't usually disgnose mentsl health conditions, except for general anxiety and depression. A good docyor will send a new patient to a mental health professional.

It is common to have cinditions comorbid with OCD, such as another anxiety disorder or depression, but it is entirely possible to just have OCD..

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If it’s just OCD it’s easy to treat. Psychiatrists are doctors.  

POCD is a subset of OCD. They see kids as a red hot poker & avoid them at any cost, just like some avoid germs. Therefore they don’t look up pictures of kids & dont masturbate to kids either. Think avoidance. 

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On 15/06/2019 at 02:34, Handy said:

If it’s just OCD it’s easy to treat. Psychiatrists are doctors.  

POCD is a subset of OCD. They see kids as a red hot poker & avoid them at any cost, just like some avoid germs. Therefore they don’t look up pictures of kids & dont masturbate to kids either. Think avoidance. 

Hi Handy, 

We have to be very careful when replying to another person's topic, people come here for help and support because they are in a distressed state so it's really important to think twice how we reply to someone else's post.

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On 12/06/2019 at 15:51, Handy said:

Very few people just have OCD, most everyone has other conditions happening & seeing a doctors gets this resolved.

Seeing a doctor will likely start a sufferer on the road to getting treatment. 

The only thing that will get OCD resolved is the right psychological treatment and the sufferer committing to working through it and making the necessary thinking and behavioural changes. 

If a sufferer does have other difficulties, such as autism, even more challenges do, yes, arise.

On 15/06/2019 at 02:34, Handy said:

If it’s just OCD it’s easy to treat. Psychiatrists are doctors.  

But the idea that OCD is easy to treat is wrong. If it were so, these forums, and our charity, would have no need to be here. 

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