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Struggling with constant thoughts


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I apologise for posting, I haven't really been active on the boards for a while, but could use some feedback on how I can get a grip with things.

So I felt I had been doing really well with challenging myself and addressing some of my need to things in a certain way to prevent the anxiety I was having. A lot of the things I was doing reduced greatly. I didn't feel I needed as much support from professionals. I was doing training for volunteer roles and exercising well. I was actually feeling quite hopeful.

Then everything seem to come crashing down. I was suicidal and made an attempt to act on it. I knew then I had to reach back out to the professionals who support me. I have been a bit all over the place and ended up in A&E recently. 

In conversation with one of the professionals who I see, they mentioned 'severe OCD'. I wouldn't have considered this to be the case. I felt I had got past a lot of my compulsions, I guess the ones that are visible to the eye.

I know it is common to feel that what one is struggling with isn't OCD and that I am just making everything up. One big problem I have is not knowing how genuine I am. I am replaying conversations over in my head, questioning why I say the things I do and is it for a certain reaction. The A&E incident happened not long after a session with my professional, where it had been a difficult session. I had shown a more vulnerable side. At times just unable to speak or look at them. I then beat myself up over doing this and questioned whether I did this for a response. I also discussed with them my anxiety that I fear people leaving/dying. That I would rather not be alive than experience that. I have never discussed this with anyone in person.

Another thing I am struggling with, I have mentioned before is a constant stream of conversations or scenarios play out in my mind. I cannot seem to stop them, when they are there I end up swearing at myself because I hate myself for thinking these things. It is destroying me and I really don't know how I can move on from it. I don't know how to fully explain this. I don't even know how to write it down for myself to provide examples. I have conversations in my head about having conversations about the conversations. A few months ago I had a break from this, but now it is really bad.

I started some volunteer work and I start questioning who I am and why I am doing it. If someone says I am doing well I start trying to figure out if I am doing the role because I want to help someone or because I want it to look like I care about others. So I am actively deceiving others in to thinking I am doing certain things because I genuinely want to do it.

It can go on, questioning if I care about others or am I just a selfish person. If I tell someone I love them, is it genuine or do I just want them to think I care. Do I cancel meeting people because I am just lazy.

I just don't know what to do. If I spend time with others I will spend hours replaying conversations or having thoughts that are almost like stories playing out.

It is so bad, that I feel like I don't deserve support from the professionals. I feel like if they knew everything that went on in my head they would realise who I really am.

I just don't know how to cope anymore. I guess I wondered if anyone had any advice on how I can recognise that what I am doing in my head is an obsession, compulsion or both. Because I really thought I was fine and wouldn't need CBT anymore. I am scared to really let out what goes on in my head because I will feel like I need to punish myself. I really don't like who I am. My days are spent trying to keep myself alive, there is no other purpose in them.

I am sorry of this makes no sense. I just didn't know what else to do.

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Are you under any MH services at the moment other than your GP? Have you had any specialist treatment yet? If not, get referred to Oxford, CADAT or ADRU, Springfield Tooting, Priory North London, Welwyn Garden City, Dundee, Sheffield or Newcastle!

Edited by seekingERPnorthwest
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  • 2 weeks later...

Apologies for not replying sooner. Been a really rough few weeks. I am under my local mental health team. I had an assessment with CADAT at the start of the year and am waiting to hear if funding is agreed.

I just cannot see how things will change and I finally admitted this to the professional who I see. They were saying they are following up to see where CADAT are and I just told them I see no point. That I am the problem and can't be fixed.

I have felt totally destroyed these past few weeks. Sometimes I feel I cannot fully express how I feel or the extent of my hopelessness. That I feel completely messed up.

I feel like I am questioning everything about myself as who I am as a person and that I am not who I present. That I don't care about anyone, that I have no genuine feelings. I am finding it had to be around others when I feel like I have no genuine emotion and I wonder if I actually care if I never saw anyone again. Really has been soul destroying.

I genuinely felt that I shouldn't have been referred to CADAT and that my OCD is much better. That they cannot help with my current problems. I just don't know if what I am struggling with right now is the OCD, because I keep coming back to that I am the problem. That I am not a nice person.

I am very isolated in the sense that at the moment the only contact I am having is with professionals. I have tried to re-engage with volunteer work even though it has led to panic attacks and overwhelming emotions. I have done things that I would usually avoid and wouldn't have done 6 months ago. 

I guess I am just trying to find something that keeps me fighting, because I have felt so awful inside. I feel like my life has been destroyed and in that I have lost myself.

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Hi Jamie,

That sounds so hard and honestly it sounds like the Depression is as much, if not, a greater problem than the (possibly severe) OCD. 

The feeling of not caring about/for others is both a symptom of Depression and a symptom of chronic social isolation. Our social selves and social skills are both developed and maintained in social situations- like muscles and exercise. You have also expressed fears over people leaving or dying- we are all complex people- you do not sound like a sociopath at all. Try not to question and overthink your thoughts and feelings- they are what they are. 

With regards to the questioning your motives etc. I think I understand and have felt the same in the past- it's almost as though you are 'Dissociated' and don't know what part of you is/ which of your behaviours are genuine- the best thing you can do is to treat this like OCD and not give yourself time to think about it. Instead do something fun or engaging. 

Thinking of you!

Edited by BelAnna
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Hi BelAnna,

Thank you for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts. A lot of it makes sense.

Dissociation was mentioned recently in terms of me shutting down completely. I am going through a tough time of late and have been opening up a lot more and being in situations that are quite provoking in terms of past trauma.

I have realised a few things of late and am aware that I haven't dealt with certain things.

I haven't been able to admit to being depressed, mostly because this is normal for me, but I probably have been struggling with things.

I do tend to not have much contact with people due to circumstances and because it is hard to pretend to be fine all the time, but deep down I enjoy interaction with others. Perhaps I need to start finding ways of find a network of people I can do things with.

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