OCD Wars: Return of the Brain Gremlin (Rumination)

[MissSparrow07]

Hi all,

It’s been over a year now and I’m happy to say I have been pretty much 98% OCD free 

But over the last few days I’ve been experiencing the same thoughts/worries as my old post (see further down). I’m trying to resist the urge to do any research and also trying to resist my brain’s urge to talk to my stepsister and see if she remembers etc. My brain is like on one hand, she probably won’t even remember, she still likes seeing you etc. so you can’t have done anything bad. Then the next moment it’s if you remind her, she may have repressed it and she may then go to the police about it etc. But at the same time, she was the one who originally coerced me into playing games with her; as I was a MAJOR prude up until I went to uni - I would never have usually done anything like the games I describe on my original post.

i think it’s mainly just because I can’t pin down the memory for 100% in my head and it just hinges around two things really: 1) did we have trousers pulled down slightly while she was lying on top of me, which I felt uncomfortable with anyway - but I don’t even remember 100% if we did that either. 2) The fact that the following day when I wanted to play a game where we would pretend we were at school giving sex-ed classes to boys - imagining they were there talking to them etc - not actually physically doing anything. She was like “I don’t wanna okay that” or something similar, and I was like well I want to or something along those lines. So I worry that I forced her into playing when she didn’t want to etc.

I think it’s partly flared up as she’s now pregnant and so as a family we’re talking about her more and she’s been messaging me more lately etc which just kind of keeps reminding me about it all. I know this is all most likely reassurance seeking; but as nobody else is awake I just needed to get it all of my chest and see if anyone had any advice or just some support 

Thanks for reading! 

OLD POST BELOW: 

Basically when me and my step-sister were younger (say about 10-12? There's only a year or less between us) and basically she used to play "sexual dares" and games with her other stepsister (she lives with her mum and we only saw her at weekends) and basically she persuaded me to play them with her, and so we would pretend to be having sex (fully clothed) with our teddies and stuff, or pretend to be having sex with the door or wall messing around. Then she suggested we play sex education class and so she kissed my cheek and stuff messing around and I told her to stop. But with my OCD false memories are beinn created or memories are being manipulated as I am sure I remember her being on top of me pretending to have sex with me like for a few seconds and I didn't like it but it didn't bother me too much (but i can't remember if our trousers were down slightly or not). There was no touching of each other's bodies involved. BUT I have been so worried that like it was abuse or something or like it's not normal behaviour? And I remember this took place over one weekend and the next day I'm sure I was like let's play that game again but pretend there are boys in the classroom and I remember unhooking my bra, but never revealing anything (I never used to get undressed or reveal anything in front of anyone) but I remember her being like "do we have to play?" and then I was like "come on it will be fun or something". But I worry that I either forced her to play or she forced me to play, but seeing as she played the game with her other stepsister first then I'm sure it wouldn't be me? I don't know?

[PolarBear]

The problem is not that you can't remember. It's that you are trying to remember at all. Let it go. Refuse to get into mind debates about what did or didn't happen. Give yourself permission to never know and be okay with that.

[oetegenn1976]

And can I also add, you were young and you were both intrigued and learning, which is totally normal.... So i would worry about it.  I've done many things as I was growing up and I still remember them..... But its just kids being kids and being inquisitive. 

[MissSparrow07]

Thank you both. I really like your idea of “Give yourself permission to never know and be okay with that.” I’m going to write that in my bullet journal somewhere just about OCD in general. Thank you!