Jump to content

Someone talk some sense into me


Recommended Posts

So, in a little more than 4 weeks I'm going to another US state for a vacation, but I want to really use the time before this to do self-directed ERP. My issue is basically "mental contamination," where I'll get a sick thought, worry I enjoyed it, and then have to rethink the thought without any feelings of enjoyment to wipe away that dirtiness. If I don't do this and then read a chapter of a book, that chapter will be contaminated and I'll have to re-read it after going back and undoing the thought.

So, my way forward is clear - I need to contaminate things and sit with the anxiety without undoing the contamination.

A couple weeks ago, I put on pants that may have had some dried semen on the front, and when I was in the passenger seat of the car the metal part of the seatbelt brushed over my crotch, so I was worried semen got on it. I was going to clean it, but I never did, and a week later my mom sat in that seat. So I'm worried the metal part touched her skin or clothes, and essentially I had sexual contact with her. I feel the need to confess before I can start reading my book, because otherwise the book will be contaminated.

Basically, I feel like if I start ERP without confessing to her first, it will be overwhelming and in order to not set myself up for failure I should first confess and then commence with ERP. Does that make sense? I'm worried that if I start ERP without confessing (which is a compulsion to "undo" in a sense) then the anxiety will be overwhelming and I will just cave into compulsions after a day or two. 

I don't really want to say anything about it though because it's ******* weird. However, I'm tired of wasting my life and just want to start and get 4 good weeks of contaminating stuff and sitting with the anxiety - I feel I have nothing to lose by doing this and everything to gain.

But because this obsession involves "sexual contact" with my mother, if I forge ahead without confessing I will get horrible groinal response and what feel like "urges" to have sex with her, so for example will worry about standing in close proximity to her.

I don't want to waste another day, so either I will confess or not today. Is it ever a good idea to give into a compulsion, especially when starting out? 

Link to comment

Hey Ryukil,

I think you're spending a lot of time thinking about ERP and finding the right way of doing it, but you actually need to just go ahead and do it. Sure you could confess now and start with a clean slate for your ERP, but then in a day or two something else will come up that you will also need to confess and you're going to go round in circles before you actually let yourself start ERP. Try to remember the purpose of ERP, it's meant to help get rid of your OCD so that you can live your life without these problems. There is no better ERP than regular life and life is messy, there won't be perfect conditions to do exposures. So I think you just need to get on with it and start your exposures. Don't confess to your mum, you have already done this a while back when you told her about the dishes and she wasn't bothered then. I understand that you see your fears in a type of hierarchy, but they are all the same thing. 

Link to comment

No.

This is just a mental excuse, your mind putting up a barrier to you doing ERP. 

What's to say if you do confess this ridiculous thing that something else won't come up and you'll have to deal with it before doing ERP?

Edited by PolarBear
Link to comment
 
 
 
 
 
4
15 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

What's yo say if uou fo confes this ridiculous thing that domething rlse won't come up and you'll have to deal with it before doing ERP?

Probably what will happen if I confess is I'll feel a need to explain it more thoroughly and perfectly before I begin. This is what happened when I confessed about the other things. 

Alright, I think I'm going to give it a shot because I don't really have a choice at this point, I have to stop letting my OCD rule my life.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...