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Ocd - arousal. Is it true?


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All of my worries , thoughts are focused on sexual things with vulnerable people, mainly children but also intellectually disabled people. I’m not worried that I will carry them out but I’m fearful that if I was to ever see abuse of these people that I would enjoy it. As a way to check and test myself I imagine scenarios of sexual things happening to vulnerable people to see if I enjoy them or not. For the last 24 hours of so it’s been focused on intellectually disabled people being abused and I sometimes get this feeling of excitement/arousal. I’ve prob gone over the scenario I created in my head to test myself about 100 times in the past 24 hours and sometimes I don’t get the feeling of excitment or arousal. How do I really feel about it? When I’m going over and Over the scenario it feels like a chore, I don’t enjoy the whole thing. This is exhausting and I don’t know what to do. I know I’m meant to just leave it be but how can I when I know I’ve felt a feeling of excitement or arousal about it a few times? Are these true feelings? I’m so scared. If they are true feeling of arousal that doesn’t fit with what I believe is right so I feel I want to die if they’re true. How can I know the truth? It’s been 4 months of this now, day in day out, don’t know how much more I can take.  I’m having cbt with ocd specials at but I can’t seem to  do what she’s saying to stop analysing the thoughts and going over and over them. I know nothing will happen if I don’t but I just feel too guilty and awful to leave the thoughts alone. I don’t really know what to do next or what advice I’m looking for from you all here. Just needed to put it down in words x

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Exhausting. Four months of this. Think about it.

You've one the same thing, day in and day out, for months and you've gotten nowhere. It's not working for you. Do it another six months and it still won't work.

You must give up your desire to know. You are searching for an answer you will never get.

Stop the testing.

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@rachel23  Hi Rachel, I'm sorry to hear about your suffering, I know its not easy going through situations like this.

First, PolarBears advice is spot on.  The first thing you need to do is recognize that what you are doing isn't working and continuing to do it won't work either.  Testing doesn't help with OCD.  If it did, trust me, we'd all be cured by now.

There's a good reason testing doesn't work, its the reason we struggle with OCD in the first place, certainty.  OCD demands 100% certainty, an impossible standard.  Think about what you are doing. Going over the same scenario in your head, time after time after time.  Consider what you said here:

17 hours ago, rachel23 said:

For the last 24 hours of so it’s been focused on intellectually disabled people being abused and I sometimes get this feeling of excitement/arousal. I’ve prob gone over the scenario I created in my head to test myself about 100 times in the past 24 hours and sometimes I don’t get the feeling of excitment or arousal.

No matter how many times you test, you can always test again right?  So what if the NEXT test you "fail"?  Thats the possibility that OCD latches on to.  How can you be 100% certain if you don't test again?  Ok now you've done 101 tests.  But you can do 102, so you still aren't 100% sure.  You could test from now until the day you die and only then can you MAYBE be 100% certain, assuming all the tests "passed".  Its an impossible standard.

What you have to do, what everyone who doesn't have OCD does is not be 100% sure, just be sure ENOUGH.  For non-OCD people this is mostly automatic.  They have an intrusive thought/idea/image, their brain evaluates whether its likely or not, realizes its not likely, fires an "ALL CLEAR" signal and you move on.  Unfortunately for OCD sufferers, sometimes that "ALL CLEAR" signal doesn't fire, so we are left with doubt.  It doesn't mean the thought ACTUALLY matters, it just means there's a broken signal.  

You can think about it like a smoke alarm.  In theory when a smoke alarm goes off its because there is a fire, right?  But anyone whose spent any amount of time in a kitchen knows that smoke alarms are sensitive and even a slightly overdone piece of toast can sometimes set off a smoke alarm.  A normal person would say "oh hey, the toaster set of the smoke detector again, and get on with their life.  They recognize the signs, they evaluate the probability, they move on.  An OCD person would say "oh hey, the toaster set of the smoke detector....but what if thats just a coincidence and theres really a fire too, I better check..."  Even though the signs are the same, they keep doubting.  They keep thinking about the "what if" and get stuck.

So the first trap you are falling in to is trying to play OCD's game of being 100% certain.  DOn't feel bad, its what OCD is good at and its hard for us to deal with because it runs so counter to how we are USED to the world working and how it works for other people.  The compulsions we try to solve the problem are often based on the same steps we would take if there actually WAS a problem, it just turns out they don't work well because of OCD (and there not being an actual problem to solve).

There is also a second trap you are falling in to, and its another common OCD trap.  Its the idea that everything is black and white, either/or.  Either you don't have ANY physical reaction and therefore you are not a terrible person, OR you have even the slightest physical reaction and therefore you ARE a terrible person.  But there are a multitude of other possibilities, including the most likely true one, that peoples bodies are complex, and the same physical sensations we feel for arousal are not limited to only arousal situations, that you can feel physical sensations and not have any underlying emotional desire connected to them.  Sorry to be slightly explicit here, but as a male I can tell you that most of the time my "little friend" stands at attention because I am feeling aroused.  But its not uncommon that he stands at attention for no apparent reason.  Maybe its related to caffeine?  Maybe its because of how I was sitting.  Maybe its my brain getting its wires crossed.  Its totally normal, and all part of the body just being its usual weird self.  I am sure you can think of times your body had physical reactions to things that you weren't quite sure about.  Maybe a muscle twitch, maybe you felt tightness or hot or cold or some other sensation without an obvious explanation.  Humans aren't robots, its not as simple as "push button 1, light bulb A turns on".

So you need to work on accepting two things:
1. Its impossible to be 100% certain about ANYTHING (seriously, if you doubt me, propose a situation where you think you can be 100% certain about something, I'll give you a theoretically possible scenario that adds doubt).  Whatever in your life you think you are 100% certain of, its because your brain is working right for that thought, its saying "ok, 99% is good enough, or 90% or 51%" etc.
2. Things aren't black and white, there can (and often are) more mundane reasons for things than the worst case scenario.

Of course OCD is going to make this hard on you, its not going to change overnight, but if you remind yourself of these key ideas it will help you challenge the false messages OCD is sending to you.

 

18 hours ago, rachel23 said:

Are these true feelings? I’m so scared. If they are true feeling of arousal that doesn’t fit with what I believe is right

There you go, thats all you need to know.  Your TRUE feeling is that you don't believe these things are right.  You don't need to look for some deeper, "hidden", true belief.  You think that someone doing this action would be wrong.  You have decided that, its how you feel because you decided it.  
 
 

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Greatpost dksea , excellent Insight. As someone who struggles with this theme myself you have summed the process up perfectly. :goodpost:

Edited by Avo
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2 hours ago, paradoxer said:

Handy's either an outright troll, determined to spread misinformation, or an idiot. Don't take his lack of manners too seriously. 

Well if that's the case maybe the moderators need to be informed.

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When I see Handy's profile pick as a last poster on a thread, I am concerned. 

I feel the likelihood of an unhelpful post is high, so feel obliged to take a look and, if need be, respond. 

I have my own rule about entering someone else's thread - if I can't bring something helpful worthwhile and beneficial, to the original or a subsequent poster, to it, then I leave it be. 

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On 21/06/2019 at 07:02, PhilM said:

Low serotonin? Is that a fact or an opinion Handy?

It's a theory that's been around a long time, partly because of the fact some people respond to SSRI medications.  Although generally these days it's considered a theory that's debunked as no longer holding much weight.

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