Ocd, paraphilias

[rachel23]

3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Sufferers do compulsions for two reasons: to prevent a bad thing from happening or to relieve the distress caused by obsessions.

I suspect one of your big compulsions is checking. Some people call it testing. You set up a thought or situation in your mind then check what your reaction is. Deep down you likely hope your reaction is negative, which would give you reassurance that you are not what you fear. That in turn would make your anxiety go down and make you feel better. See?

Two problems with this. First, you aren't really in control over your emotions and physical sensations. You might wish to react a certain way but your mind can decide something else. It is not confirmation that you are anything. Second, because you have OCD, no amount of checking is enough. It doesn't matter what the check reveals... OCD will require you to check again and again.

Thank you , you described this better than any therapist or book I’ve read! Youre right, I check/test whilst begging that my reaction will be negative. I have problems with not being in control of emotions or feelings but I’m trying to tell myself how can I trust any of these feelings when I’ve felt in such a bad, jumbled up mess for months in end,. X

[PolarBear]

I know, Rachel. I also know that more compulsions will not give you the answer you seek. It sucks but it is true. I have helped people who have done the ssme compulsions every day for 10 years, for nothing.

[Ashley]

16 hours ago, rachel23 said:

What do you mean Ashley? What are these specialist ocd clinics? I’m seeing an experience therapist in ocd and have had previous treatment with ocd specialist. 

On the NHS we have several specialist anxiety treatment clinics that treat just anxiety and OCD, and over the years these clinics have become very specialised in the treatment of OCD, they treat it, research it and are sometimes accepted as global leaders in their field.   There is CADAT (Maudsley), ADRU (Bethlem), Springfield and now the new Oxford clinic too.

It may be you are already seeing someone that's based at these clinics, I don't know, but with respect to them, I think from your posts its clear you maybe need a little more help. We all do sometimes

 

16 hours ago, rachel23 said:

It states that if people have ocd then if they develop a paraphilia, they can use ocd compulsions as a way to cancel out, Supress their fantasies.

I think this sounds like a paper I would consider 'questionable' regardless of who wrote it. We can't and shouldn't use compulsions to cancel out intrusive thoughts. We do, but we shouldn't.  So if the paper is suggesting that, I question if the author actually understands OCD.

16 hours ago, rachel23 said:

i often test how I feel about a thought because I have felt aroused in the past about it, as in emotionally aroused. But then I question whether the arousal is true

This is a form of reassurance (a compulsion) Rachel, and the problem with any reassurance seeking behaviour, be it self reassurance or asking a friend, the OCD will then simply throw a 'what if' at us, so it actually often reinforces the OCD thinking we have going on.  

I am not sure if you understand that, I as sure you do, but because you're doing that I just wanted to ask if you have told the therapist, if they have helped you understand that behaviour is a reassurance compulsion, if not then maybe it's worth reviewing your treatment progress with them and changing if you're not making progress. 

I am happy to have a conversation with you about this process away from the forum if needed.

[njb]

Hi Rachel23,

I’ve had my fair share of frights over this paper and that and I am sure many posters here will recall the blind panic I’ve been in raising issues on here at some point. Firstly, I share same obsession as you. Secondly, I’ve gone down the path of seeking evidence to substantiate I am either not what I fear or tell me there is little chance I am what I fear but instead come back with more doubt and even more conviction I am what I fear.

Papers, reports etc are to be taken lightly, and best left interpreted by medical professionals. Anything worth it will appear in legit medical journals or on websites like this. Even the most highly held beliefs can and have fallen from grace as utter garbage.

I also read all about paraphilia and any tiny fragment of a co morbid ocd or this that and the other which may indicate a chance I’m both or whatever over the years. Remember however that an ocd sufferer will read and recall only an ocd fear laden view, we tend to read I’ll fated and ignore the pragmatic information to reach a wholly catastrophic conclusion. If it said it’s a paraphilia causing it you’ve got big eyebrows we would buy into it. 

Maybe it is possible, maybe not, it does not actually matter but I totally get the level of fear such papers create. I bet medical professionals consider many many outcomes before deciding anyway and this applies to all manner of obsessions not just sexual in order to distinguish whether we are struggling with desire or ocd etc.

it does not ultimately matter as it is just another factor you will use to beat yourself up with even without having a paraphilia diagnosis. Seems very chicken and egg paradox conundrum like to me. 

Please stop researching, one person handed me a substance abuse leaflet to read and consider when doing this to manage the compulsion. You won’t find anything positive even if right there with your ocd goggles on all steamed up waiting to interpret innocuous stuff as gospel and straight from the almighty.

so put down dr google and think rationally 

bless you x

Edited July 2, 2019 by njb

[njb]

So true.

[njb]

Got myself all bothered now about this idea of just applying compulsion to reduce actual desires.

I am stressed out as used to obsess about relationships in 20s and did so much checking and testing over and over that I liked other attractive women or if someone put porn on or a porn mag I would freak thinking I was not in love etc from any reaction so if I can apply compulsion to check it reduce anxiety there can I be doing it now with fear of paedophilic and under age ?

i mean that if I can apply behaviour to reduce anxiety on a group of people who are in my target sexual orientation am I doing it now ? Or does it simply mean the obsession was the fear of losing something dear back then and not actual fear of liking other women and now it is absolutely the fear of being attracted to children or young girls so the compulsion has always been to reduce anxiety and ergo is from REAL ocd on both obsessions. That I question this now then brings into question my whole conception of an ocd sufferer as I have struggled with compulsion to ruminate since a kid and applied checking and testing no end where the awful and insidious sickening gut wrenching fear gripped. 

Please help me as im spiralling in fear and confusion. Part of me thinks I used to apply it from actually liking other people or at least finding them attractive so that would mean I could be doing it now?? Other part of me thinks I used to do it because that is all I know how to deal with anything and whilst they were normal for me as in appropriate age women, I was already in the ocd zone so was always prone to behaviours.

As for being a paedo or liking underage I am now thinking I am just covering it up like a hypocrite as if I just apply it and the previous obsession where I may have actually liked women appropriately was obsessed over or was that also just ocd regardless of the actual liking or not?!

All I do know is that I had not worried before that I was selective in applying such behaviour and simply knew that since a child I had always been compulsive in ruminating, checking and testing to anything that created the sickly anxious and not really me feeling. The fear over relationship was same but that I could also see the people may have been attractive is doing my nut in when thinking about the last 10 years of trying to say my paedo and under age fear is ocd. Maybe I really do like kids and am just trying to negate it.

please bash me on the bonce and set me on way out of this spiral. I dread to think that all the awful obsessions be short term or long term are possibly not all bundled up with the same ocd mode of thinking and being and rather me picking and choosing what I like and don’t like and trying to mould myself that way.

it certainly all felt and feels like ocd.

sorry for ramble but I’m stressed.

Edited July 3, 2019 by njb