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Was doing so well.... And then this.


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I was doing so well until last night....

Last night a memory came into my mind that worried me and it made me break into a hot sweat until I eventually gave into it and analysed it in an attempt to reassure myself. 

To be honest the problem I have is I don't know if this memory is real or not.

The subject matter I. E the time and scenario its from is around 6 months ago.  Therefore if it is a real memory then it's weird how it's only just started bothering me now?  But then I worry maybe I missed it back then and that's why it's only recently started bothering me?

I took it on board and looked at worst case scenario of it being real and thought about it twice last night and realised that it's 'fine', a word I say to myself after checking meaning it's nothing to worry about. 

But now I'm thinking whether I did really think about it properly as I remember the first time wasn't a full on 'fine' but I think the second time it was....  But I'm worried whether the second one was a proper 'fine' and if I really did think about it thoroughly enough and really did come to the conclusion of it being 'fine'.... 

Anybody else get this? 

 

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Yes I've had this. Remember an intrusive memory is just a thought like any other, no matter how vivid. Checking to see if the memory was real or not was a compulsion, you declared it fine, then have doubt over whether it really was fine. This is typical OCD. You can never know whether the memory is real or not 100%, but you have to look at what it seems like, which is OCD and act accordingly. Stop checking and trying to make sure, it will only lead to more doubt and make you more muddled.

You have to take a leap of faith that your brain just made something up because that is most likely. When it comes to memories you have to trust you acted appropriately at any given time and leave the past in the past. That's the only way to stop OCD popping more supposed memories into your head. 

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Hi Gemma thank you for your response. 

I'm pretty sure the memory is real but being worried about it/my response to it wasn't warranted. Hence why when I thought about it I realised it was 'fine'. 

But do you get that when you think about something and realise it's 'fine' and then afterwards worry that maybe you didn't check it thoroughly enough or if you even checked it at all or really did conclude it was 'fine'? 

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47 minutes ago, MentalChecker said:

But do you get that when you think about something and realise it's 'fine' and then afterwards worry that maybe you didn't check it thoroughly enough or if you even checked it at all or really did conclude it was 'fine'? 

Yes i get it. That's what happens after all OCD checks. 

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You do realize that you just walked into the OCD trap. You took the thought seriously and analyzed it. There's a compulsion. Now you are wracking your brain,  trying to remember. Another compulsion. Round and round you'll go, with no solution evident.

The only way out of the trap is stop doing the compulsions. Let it go.

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2 hours ago, MentalChecker said:

And I'm trying to remember the moment I checked it and said 'fine' and can't recall the moment therefore I feel like I need to recheck it again.....

That's just a secondary checking compulsion. Like polar bear said you need to let it go completely, including the check after. 

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Gemma/Polar Bear, 

OK I can understand what you've said above.

But I've just woke up and the worry came straight into my head as soon as I woke up and I tried to push it away but the words still came into my head and I tried pushing it away but didn't get the reassurance feeling I. E saying it's 'Fine' therefore I'm worried now that it may not in fact be fine even though the other night I said it was and I feel I MUST think about it again like I did the other night to get the feeling it's 'fine' again otherwise I feel like it IS REALLY something to worry about and be concerned about and be sorted out. 

It's almost like only the last time counts (if that makes sense?) regardless of how many times I've checked something previously only the last one counts and if that thing comes back into my mind without me feeling its 'fine' then it's something to worry about? ????

Edited by MentalChecker
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22 hours ago, MentalChecker said:

It's almost like only the last time counts (if that makes sense?) regardless of how many times I've checked something previously only the last one counts and if that thing comes back into my mind without me feeling its 'fine' then it's something to worry about?

The underlying problem here is that you are relying on the feeling from ANY of your checks.  Sometimes you can get a "fine" feeling, sometimes you can't.  It would be great if you can get the "fine" feeling all the time, of course that means no more OCD!  But once you recognize you HAVE OCD you have to adjust how you behave.  

Yes you feel anxiety, you are worried.  But just because you feel anxiety or are worried about something doesn't mean you actually SHOULD be worried about it.  OCD makes us feel worry when the threat isn't real, you need to work on accepting that you are getting this false alarms (very unpleasant ones) but there isn't actually a need to do anything about it.

If you burn some toast and then your smoke alarm goes off, you don't react as if there is a real fire in your kitchen right?  Yes there is smoke but its not a real threat.  OCD is like burnt toast, it puts out an unpleasant smell and smoke but nothing is actually on fire, even though your smoke detector is beeping at you.

 

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2 hours ago, dksea said:

The underlying problem here is that you are relying on the feeling from ANY of your checks.  Sometimes you can get a "fine" feeling, sometimes you can't.  It would be great if you can get the "fine" feeling all the time, of course that means no more OCD!  But once you recognize you HAVE OCD you have to adjust how you behave.  

Yes you feel anxiety, you are worried.  But just because you feel anxiety or are worried about something doesn't mean you actually SHOULD be worried about it.  OCD makes us feel worry when the threat isn't real, you need to work on accepting that you are getting this false alarms (very unpleasant ones) but there isn't actually a need to do anything about it.

If you burn some toast and then your smoke alarm goes off, you don't react as if there is a real fire in your kitchen right?  Yes there is smoke but its not a real threat.  OCD is like burnt toast, it puts out an unpleasant smell and smoke but nothing is actually on fire, even though your smoke detector is beeping at you.

 

Hi Dksea that is word for word exactly what my therapist is telling me......and she is trying so desperately for me to stop relying on this feeling but its so difficult for me to kick it....I did pretty well for a few days then it came back strong. 

The problem is this 'feeling' that I've always lived by and relied on to do everything in life isn't easy to ditch.

Even choosing a sandwich I think about eating it and try to get the feeling if I'm going to enjoy it or not before I chose which one. 

When it comes to OCD how do you know if sometning is to worry about or not if you can't get the feeling that it's nothing to worry about? 

This is the place I'm in. I will get things come into my head either of things I have done or said and straight away I will get the strong feeling of it being bad or a problem with it and then my anxiety will go through the roof and I then need to go through it and then like the other night I got the first 'feeling' that it was 'fine' (but it was only like a half feeling if that makes sense) but then I remember getting two feelings therefore I must have got the other one afterwards which must have been a proper 'feeling of if being fine' as my anxiety then reduced and I started playing with my dog. 

But then afterwards I try and think about this second feeling of fine to see if it really happened but it must have happened as I remember getting two feelings of fine but I can't remember it where I got it or how I felt. All I can recall is getting another fine feeling but it's driving me mad trying to remember if I did REALLY get it and if it was REALLY fine....

But on Saturday this same thing was bothering me and I did a reassurance compulsion and it went away so much that I then couldn't remember what it was that was bothering me until it came back into my head on Tuesday night therefore that compulsion on Saturday must have been a good one for it to dissappear for 3 days therefore if all else fails I can still rely on that one to prove to me its fine and nothing to worry about? 

Edited by MentalChecker
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