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Out of Luck/Clue/Ideas What To Do


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Hi,

I need some support and I am not sure where else to go who would understand. I feel like I've hit a bit of a brick wall which I know happens plenty in OCD Recovery but here is the thing. I feel like I am taking liberties now with my therapist. He had allowed me to text him and I thought that was very kind of him but, now, I feel like I am doing it too much and I know it has to stop. I know it is a form of reassurance and it shouldn't be done. 

The problem is I don't know how to cope without getting reassurance. Before anyone responds with the obvious answer of "you need to carry on without it", I  want to assure you that I am aware of that. But the fact is that I can barely function right now. The only thing that I can do OK is my job and the worry is that my OCD is now starting to encroach on that with feelings of paranoia and worries that I've done something wrong, coupled with excessive checking. I'm pretty sure my colleagues must have noticed by now. I know one colleague is very suspicious. I feel so useless however. The issue with many of problems isn't that I don't recognise that OCD being at play because I do recognise that mostly, except when it comes to urine and faeces. As far as they go, it is an absolute car wreck that I've shared with you countless times. I often fall into the loop of going for a whizz and then being certain/knowing that I have a bit of urine on my leg. At which point, I ponder what is best - to wipe or to go on with my day - asking myself, what would a non-OCD person do. If I choose the option to wipe, it often becomes a laborious task where I am changing shorts and shirts and what not while if I don't, I am unable to rest at the thought that I have spread urine onto my prized belongings and whatever. I know that urine isn't dangerous. I also anticipate that urine is probably on most things anyway but that doesn't make the emotional reaction I have to this issue any easier to stomach. In fact, it is quite torturous. The same goes with wiping my behind. I don't know whether I have some real lack of ability to wipe myself but I do reasonably get something on my hands and even if I don't, I am forever fearful in the proximity of the wiping hand to my t-shirt, shorts and whatever else. The ongoing process is so tiresome that it's unbelievable. If the issues were limited to that, then yes, that would be enough but you and I both know that the issues far outweigh just those. Whether it is the concern over my brother contaminating things with his unwashed/unclean hands or whether the cats anus has sufficiently backed into me that I have the possibility of getting pooh on me; well, you get the picture. I can't even use a dustbin without a struggle. I'm sorry to unload all of this (some of it repeating but I cannot stress how  out of my wits ends I am). It's also not that I haven't been trying. I've tried it numerous different ways. I've told myself "act like a normal person would" and try to go around doing things without acting the compulsions. I have also tried doing things bit by bit. I have tried mindfulness and meditation practices and I have tried to live with the revulsion, especially after I have gone to the bathroom but I burn out, even if it is after an hour. I literally blockade myself out of my own bedroom because I walked outside in my bare feet or walked into the cats room where there are cat treats on the floor sometimes or cat food or if I walk in the toilets. I hate the toilets in my house - it is my own personal hell. So often there are puddles of urine over the floor, sometimes the seat as well. It is impossible for me to ever feel comfortable in there. Sometimes I just have to ask my Mum to help me to spruce it up a bit. Sometimes I try to spruce it up a bit myself. And all in all, if I really try to think about all of this, I just want to cry because it's been a long time now that I have been trying to tackle this and I haven't seen improvements. I feel like I am going to be cursed with this forever and that eventually....well...eventually,  people are just going to stop caring. Half the time, I feel like the loneliest person in the world. Often I just scroll through my address book on my phone, wondering who I can text, hoping that someone will take a bit of interest. But anyway, at least I have my Mum and Dad, even if it is hard for them to understand.

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We take an interest Phil. 

But you need to believe us, not your OCD. 

Wean yourself off that compulsion of reassurance-seeking. 

If you click on your profile you will find your previous content. 

Why not take a dip into that, and make notes of what we have been telling you. 

Then determine that you will put those suggestions into practice. 

Only you can do this. 

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Hey Dave, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. The issue with your therapist, do you think this is something you can raise with him? I think it would be useful feedback for him to know that you're feeling like the text messages are becoming reassurance seeking and maybe he can even come up with a plan of how to reduce this. With everything else, you just have to give it time. I completely get where you're coming from in saying that you do try and yet feel like it doesn't work and you're burnt out. I think they key is to accept that this takes a lot of work. It won't get easier right away, but eventually it will. And when you feel lonely and scroll through your address book, why not reach out to someone instead of waiting for them to take an interest? 

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9 hours ago, taurean said:

We take an interest Phil. 

But you need to believe us, not your OCD. 

Wean yourself off that compulsion of reassurance-seeking. 

If you click on your profile you will find your previous content. 

Why not take a dip into that, and make notes of what we have been telling you. 

Then determine that you will put those suggestions into practice. 

Only you can do this. 

Apologies Dave for getting your name wrong (I have also been helping Phil). 

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Hi Dave,

I agree with malina and Roy over the reassurance side of things with your therapist, but has he helped you work through your feelings/thoughts around contamination/heightened responsibility with items you value? That seems to me to be the driving force behind your compulsions and I just wonder if you haven’t already, if it might be worth steering your sessions towards doing some cognitive work there...that would then help you with the behavioural side of things with not carrying out the compulsions.

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Hi everyone and thank you for responding. I don’t want to outstay my welcome and I know that it is board policy that if someone is constantly asking for reassurance then it’s better to say nothing than encourage it. 

To address some of the points raised. 

1) yes, I do contact people. In fact, it is always that way around. I’m always the one initiating and it feels very much like if I never made the effort then no one else would. I feel very alone. 

2) my therapist spends a lot of time trying to challenge me on my belief patterns but rarely is there homework or practical applications, at least which register. Saying that, I have been seeing him for years now. 

At this point, I feel like there are very few people who I can talk to who do not think I’m a weirdo or know of what I’m going through.  I don’t actually think I have ever felt so alone in the night. And actually I’m at the point now where if I have a concern or feel like I need to seek reassurance, I just bottle it rather than say anything because I feel like it is wrong to even ask. So I am effectively in a constant state of anxiety. That angers and saddens me all at the same time. I do recognise the fact that no one else can help me but me though it is really depressing and upsetting to feel that alone with something so oppressive. 

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Hi Dave, 

We understand what goes on with you and how you feel. 

If you feel alone at night you can sign in from your mobile and see how the membership collectively support each other in a global way, as people overseas sign in in their time zones. 

So, effectively, we are support forums that never sleep :)

I am with Hal on the challenging to make thinking and behavioural changes. To do this you do need to understand how OCD operates, and map out how your own OCD works. 

Switching to a new therapist especially skilled in CBT for OCD might be a game changer in learning how to do this - it was for me. 

Edited by taurean
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