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Avoidance and Having Trouble Making Decisions


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Hello. My last post here was about five months ago and I got a very helpful response. I wrote about being stressed about moving and worried my daughter would get picked on in her new school. I also wrote about how I was feeling my job was toxic: I'm a collection lawyer and have to chase people who have judgments against them but who hide assets to avoid paying, and have to deal with a lot of difficult characters.

The move turned out to be decent. My daughter for the most part likes the new school, and is now on summer vacation. Although she did have a few incidences of being teased (e.g. after she got braces), for the most part it went well. My problem now is that I decided, in order to pursue my passion and lessen stress, to get back into chess.  I used to teach it for a living. For many people it's not just a game, but also an art form, and I could spend hours a day reading, playing, talking to other people about it, etc. I had goals in chess, and there are an endless amount of books, youtube videos, and articles about it to keep anyone busy who is devoted to getting better. It allows me to be creative which my work doesn't allow a lot of opportunities for. As you probably know, though, OCD attacks whatever we find important or enjoyable. Now when I play I keep ruminating on whether or not I am finding the right work/family balance. I keep thinking that my daughter is 12 and she is at an age where she needs me most. While I'm in the middle of a game I debate with myself over how much time is appropriate for me to spend on chess during the summer and still have enough time for work and family. First I tell myself one hour per day, then I tell myself that an hour is too short. Why not 2-4 hours per day since my daughter is a lot of the time doing activities with friends anyway, and if I put that amount of time into it I could have very good results? These are the thoughts I'm having, and I'm unsatisfied with whatever resolution I come up with. I feel like either I'm not devoting enough time to chess, or that I am devoting too much time to it. Last week I played three games in a tournament where I won the first two, but then in the third game these thoughts bombarded me and I lost concentration and drew in a won position. 

It's really gotten to the point where I'm thinking why do I need to even play at all. Would it be ok for me to stop? I know that generally avoidance isn't good, but if I can do other things that I enjoy like reading, doing physical activities like swimming with my daughter, etc, would it be ok for me to stop? I don't want to pursue my passion if it's causing more obsessing than enjoyment. There are times when I really enjoy it but then OCD comes on and makes it nothing but one big rumination. There are other things I enjoy learning about as well, but which don't have the same social and competitive elements that chess has. I don't' really like the idea of competition, but I guess it's something that I and many people are naturally drawn to. 

A similar problem involving avoidance that I'm having is that over the winter I had an idea for an app that I thought would be cool: a social media app which allows you to select from your contacts (i.e. phone contacts, facebook, instagram, etc.) a group of people who you would enjoy having a surprise meeting with. If they are also using the app and choose you, it brings you to an anonymous chat screen where you can chat with that person for the purpose of setting up a time to meet, but you wont know who they are until they show up at the meeting place (you'll only know that they are among you contacts and that you both wanted to meet each other). I found a programmer on linkedin to help me with this. I went a few times to an ios development meetup group where people share ideas and help each other implement them.I kept having ocd at these meetings, though, about whether or not I should give away the idea, or just speak very generally about what I'm working on and get tips about the aspects of it that I'm having trouble with. I decided to tell some people the idea, but prior to coming to meetings I would keep ruminating over it, and it made the experience less enjoyable.

I'm also thinking that while the app itself might be fun to use, people could use it for things like cheating on their spouses and partners. It could facilitate this because in a regular situation, where people are just using something like facebook, there would be a social barrier to asking certain friends to meet (i.e. those who are in committed relationships with other people). For example, on facebook a user would likely restrain himself from reaching out to certain people (e.g. a boss, or the ex girl friend of his friend) because if the recipient of the invitation wasn't interested, it would be awkward the next time they met. With this app, though, it stays anonymous until both people select each other to be in each other's surprise meet pool, and no one will know who the other is until they actually meet at the agreed time and place. 

The app doesn't have to be used, though, in any objectionable way. My main point is that it's an interesting project for me, and it's about 40% complete, but I don't know if I should finish it due to ethical concerns, and it's not clear how much use it would find in the general public in any event. 

Really I just want to have a relaxing time this summer and don't need much. if I have to quit both of the above I will. I've believed for a while that it's not what you do in life that's important, it's what you don't do that matters more. In other words, as long as someone is not violating their principles, they can at least be content. 

I would appreciate any advice.
 

 

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Hi @NoahsArk, I'm glad to hear that your daughter has been having a mostly positive experience in her new school.  Kids are pretty resilient! 
I applaud your devotion to your daughter and wanting to make sure you spend time with her, and I can understand that you'd have some concerns about the time you spend on other activities.  I definitely see the way the OCD is affecting you though and its good you are being mindful of that and trying to find a balanced solution.  I am not a parent myself yet so I can't offer advice specifically for that kind of relationship, but as someone who enjoys solitary pursuits like games, books, etc. but also wants to make sure I spend time with friends and family in a healthy way I do know that it takes balance. So here's my advice:
If you are going to set specific time limits for an activity or activities (like chess) stick to them and make sure you stick to them.  If you set the limits but continuously stretch and change them, it only adds stress and anxiety, you don't get any benefit and you might as well not have the limits.  I would recommend that if you are going to set limits you do so strictly BUT not indefinitely.  For example, you could set the following rules:

  1. I will play chess for no more than 2 hours a day.
  2. I will not start a new game unless it is reasonable to believe it will finish within that two hour window.
  3. I will apply this rule for one month and then reevaluate.

By time limiting the rule itself and forcing yourself to reevaluate in at a fixed point you have the opportunity to stick to the schedule and then decide if its working or not.  This is actually an instance of goal setting using a criteria called S.M.A.R.T.

S = Specific, the goal is clearly defined, in your case not spending too much time playing chess
M = Measurable, you can measure whether or not you are meeting this goal, by whether or not you exceed the time limit
A = Achievable, it is a reasonable goal to set
R = Relavant, the goal has meaning for you or your project
T = Time Bound, the goal has a fixed ending point

Its much easier to hold yourself to and evaluate yourself against clearly defined goals.

As an alternative you could shift the focus and base your rules on whether or not you are taking advantage of opportunities to spend with your daughter.  Your rules could be that you would prioritize opportunities to spend time with her when opportunities present (such as she suggests watching a movie together, or going to the zoo, etc.).  You could limit your chess playing to when she is otherwise occupied such as at a friends house or at school or asleep (while also making sure YOU get enough sleep). 

Regardless of which approach you take, I recommend setting periodic points to review how you think things are going rather than just nebulously worrying about it all the time.  If you set aside specific time to think about it and change if necessary you can tell yourself its ok to put off worrying and ruminating at other times.  If you are in the middle of a chess game and you start to think about "am I spending enough time with little Tugboat (you're an Arc, she's a tugboat, get it? :D)" you can tell yourself "this is not evaluation time, I will think about that latter when its evaluation time".By the time it comes around you might even find you aren't really worried at all and that things are fine.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

Just do the thing and release it so the people can make their mind if it is any good, if it get's popular you deal with the threats then, which are not really your problem.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you very much dksea and OC for your advice. I’m sorry it took so long to respond- I was away with family on vacation for ten days and hadn’t check responses.

Regarding chess, you know dksea before my vacation I just told myself (which i’ve done 100x before) that I am just quitting). I find it hurts me more than it helps. For example, I get upset with myself for making mistakes and I am taking time away from multiple other pursuits that I could be following. I wont mind playing casually with friends now again but chess can be so addictive for me that if I don’t put limits on it I’ll get carried away. Hard part is I’ve done it for over 25 years and it’s become a part of my identity so whenever I quit I find myself back into it a few months later. I’m at the point where I just want to remake myself which is a tough thing to do at 39.

Regarding  the idea of S.M.A.R.T, can that be applied to any goal? I’d like to read more about it. If you have any links I’d appreciate it.

OC regarding the app, I think that approach makes sense.

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On 21/07/2019 at 05:23, NoahsArk said:

Regarding  the idea of S.M.A.R.T, can that be applied to any goal? I’d like to read more about it. If you have any links I’d appreciate it.

Absolutely!  I learned about it through my work, its a pretty popular methodology in business, we use it for our goal setting.  I haven't read any particular material on it, I just know what they've gone over briefly in training, but I am sure you can find literature out there on it, Wikipedia's probably a good place to start.  But yeah you can probably apply it to just about any goal!
 

On 21/07/2019 at 05:23, NoahsArk said:

I find it hurts me more than it helps. For example, I get upset with myself for making mistakes and I am taking time away from multiple other pursuits that I could be following. I wont mind playing casually with friends now again but chess can be so addictive for me that if I don’t put limits on it I’ll get carried away.

Its good that you have the insight to notice how its affecting you and the attitude to be able to put it aside, even though it can be enjoyable at times.  
 

On 21/07/2019 at 05:23, NoahsArk said:

Hard part is I’ve done it for over 25 years and it’s become a part of my identity so whenever I quit I find myself back into it a few months later. I’m at the point where I just want to remake myself which is a tough thing to do at 39.

Yes, absolutely, when something has been a major part of your life and how you identify yourself it can be very tough to pull away from it, you feel like you are losing part of yourself.  But keep in mind that people change over time, you are not the same person at 39 (which I'll be next month too!) that you were at 14 or 24 or even 34.  Its ok to change, its healthy to change.  Chess may have been good for you once upon a time, and thats great, but if its not longer good for you then thats ok too, you can move on and still be you.

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Thanks Dksea. 

On 21/07/2019 at 21:53, dksea said:

Yes, absolutely, when something has been a major part of your life and how you identify yourself it can be very tough to pull away from it, you feel like you are losing part of yourself.  But keep in mind that people change over time, you are not the same person at 39 (which I'll be next month too!) that you were at 14 or 24 or even 34.  Its ok to change, its healthy to change.  Chess may have been good for you once upon a time, and thats great, but if its not longer good for you then thats ok too, you can move on and still be you.

Changing someone's character traits or habits is very challenging which is why I'm motivated to do it. I've read that it can take a lifetime just to change one character trait (although I think that's a bit of an exaggeration). Most of the people I know have been the same for years- they are into the same things, hang around with the same crowd,  etc.  When I look back there have been periods of my life where I've had very little improvement for years both in my work and personal life. There've been other times where I've made sudden leaps forward (reading Jeffrey Schwartz's Brain Lock was one of those times for me). The last ten years for me have been relatively level with not much change with the exception of recently. I read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People which is starting to have some positive effect which I hope continues. The biggest change is that we got our first single family home. That happened after I wrote a list of about 20 things I wanted to accomplish, and that was one of them. A related goal is to have it eventually paid off so I can be living "rent free". 

Still there are other goals, which it seems that some mysterious force is preventing me from achieving. For example, for years I've been a solo practitioner and have wanted to hire an employee part time or full time so that I could expand my business and eventually grow the team even bigger. While I occasionally refer work to others, that hasn't happened and I'm still working solo. I've also wanted to find more efficient software to automate tasks like invoicing and billing. This is a standard part of every business but yet I don't have it and spend hours on weekend doing things on excel manually. Just writing this is making it clearer to me how much I haven't done.  I do have a bit more savings now than I've had in the past, but it's nowhere near enough at this point to put my daughter through college.

So I want to figure out what is it that holds people back like this. So many things I've put off for so long.

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31 minutes ago, NoahsArk said:

So I want to figure out what is it that holds people back like this.

I don't think there is one answer that applies to all people.  Each persons situation is different, so the combination of factors that effect why they might remain in one place, physically, mentally, emotionally or all of the above, is not truly generalizable.  Some people remain the same because of fear of change.  Others remain the same because they are happy with where they are and see no good reason to change, others remain the same because despite their best efforts, very often outside factors are at play too.  You can certainly keep searching for reasons why you aren't changing, but maybe instead of searching for reasons, you instead just make a choice and do something about it.  Sometimes you just have to DO it.

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