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Has anyone who uses the forum got over contamination worries?


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Hi Guys,

I know that all OCD is just OCD and that they are not different conditions. I know that it is all treated with CBT and/or anti-depressants however I have several different obsessions and they do feel qualitatively very different.

One of the issues with contamination concerns as opposed to something like scrupulosity or existential-focused OCD (which I also have) is the sense of being in immediate danger from contamination threats. It is also often difficult to know whether your fears are excessive or unreasonable when viruses really do cause illnesses etc. That is not to say that contamination obsessions are worse, because other obsessions can affect people's lives as much, if not more, than contamination fears but just that they are different. 

Sooo I'm just wondering if anyone could share their experiences of recovering from contamination obsessions?

Thank you! 

Edited by BelAnna
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Hi Belanna, I to have contamination OCD, I understand what you are saying, all Ocd affects us all in different ways. I would love my Ocd to just go, unfortunately it seems to take quite a while, it would be great to take a magic pill, and that was that. It is not a quick fix, though how I wish it was. Are you having therapy now? I did but it has now finished and I can’t re apply for six months, unless I go private. Which can be expensive. Take care. X

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BelAnna, I didn't have contamination OCD but the answer to your question is yes. Sufferers have overcome their contamination OCD.

You concentrate on viruses, believing there is truth in your fears, but it's the same for the other hundred or more types of contamination OCD. Someone with obsessions about asbestos isn't the least afraid of viruses but is convinced there is asbestos everywhere and it will do them harm.

That's something to keep in mind about how OCD works. Yes, there may be a bit of truth to obsessions but it is the extreme overblowing of the risk that is a hallmark of OCD.

Yes, there are viruses everywhere and some can make you sick. But the OCD mind screams at you that this is a dire emergency and must be dealt with now! It's never that bad in reality. 

OCD lies, all the time. Every time. OCD has never told the truth. Not once. Yes there are viruses but the lie is that their alleged existence is an emergency. 

Part of recovery is learning that OCD always lies to you and to take the risk and stop listening to it.

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I think the thing with this is that everyone’s different OCD theme will generate ‘threats’ that feel extremely real to them as if they have a high likelihood of happening.  Yes viruses cause illness but realistically whereas it’s unlikely that someone will get a serious illness that they’ve been worried about, it could possibly happen.  But most people don’t spend their time worrying about it as it doesn’t protect from or prevent an illness. It’s OCD that amplifies that threat.

I suffered from contamination OCD for a long time (10 years+) however all of the worries that took over my life don’t worry me now anymore than they would worry a non sufferer. For example I was terrified of inadvertent HIV transmission from a rogue needlestick injury (it was amazing where my mind could find potential hidden needles!). Now I could touch dried blood and not freak out. Sure I’d go straight to wash my hands thoroughly, as would anyone else, but then I wouldn’t give it another thought.

However now my OCD revolves around responsibility and a fear of inadvertently  causing harm to complete strangers and so now I find *that* the hardest as the overwhelming guilt and uncertainty means that I punish and berate myself endlessly. Someone who worries about contamination, or any other theme, would most probably think I’m just being silly, have nothing to worry about and that their concerns are much worse. It’s the same condition really, it’s just all perspective. 

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Thanks everyone.

That's great Leil, how did you do it? Did you learn any useful techniques for challenging thinking biases etc? 

Thanks Polarbear, that's really helpful. I need to conceptualize my intrusive anxious thoughts as 'OCD lies' rather than legitimate concerns! 

Hi Madchoc, how did your therapy go? that's so annoying that you have to wait six months for more treatment! Yes, I am currently seeing a Psychologist but he has a doctorate in counselling Psychology and at the moment we are just focusing on EMDR (eye movement desensitization) for my Emetophobia/Vomit Phobia and related minor trauma so I'm not actively engaged in CBT. I'm actually thinking about looking for a private CBT therapist to visit, whilst still undergoing EMDR treatment because I need to make more progress with Exposure tasks and challenge my OCD-biased thinking!  

 

2 hours ago, Madchoc said:

 

 

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

 

 

1 hour ago, leil said:

 

 

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3 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I'm just wondering if anyone could share their experiences of recovering from contamination obsessions?

Just very quickly as I have a meeting call in 10 minutes. 

At one time (over last 20 years) my OCD meant:

  • I couldn't go outside without showering when back in (even 5 minutes out to the shop meant shower)
  • I couldn't wear clothes inside, I would be sitting in my room naked on a towel. 
  • My indoor and outdoor clothes couldn't touch, separate wardrobes.
  • I couldn't use my own toilet without a 90 minute shower/bath ritual (on a good day), hours on a bad day
  • I avoided public toilets for 20 years, if I was caught short I couldn't wash my clothes they had to be destroyed. 
  • I couldn't touch the tap in the kitchen without pouring a bottle of washing up liquid over my hands at the sink
  • Back in the day of mobile phones with aerials I couldn't take mine out, I had to use cling film on it

But all of that is history, I can now use my own toilet and even public toilets, ideally I wash my hands but if I can't wash my hands it no longer bothers me.  My phone is frequently dropped on the floor and covered in my own sweat and all sorts of nasty stuff when I am out and about cycling. I wear clothes inside the house, my clothes are all mixed up I don't have indoor and outdoor any more, generally on the floor, which is laziness not OCD. 

Happy to answer any specific questions you have when I am back on later or tomorrow morning. :)

 

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Hi BelAnna,

The answer is yes! 

I used to have horrendous contamination ocd, and have beaten it into (almost!) submission by ignoring compulsions and thoughts. Not easy but it does work.

I remember one bad day in particular (there were many!) when my Mum brought the bins up after they'd been emptied and refused to wash her hands afterwards. We were going out for the day and as well as it ruining the day out as I was so anxious all day, when I got home I had to clean my car, wash mine and my then toddler's clothes, shower, then bath my toddler and throw an entire bag of shopping away (all contaminated). 

This was by no means my worst day, but I use it as an example because just this weekend my Mum did the exact same thing with the bins, again just before getting in the car for a trip out. And it didn't bother me at all.

There are many such stories I could tell, but the bottom line is it's all ocd. 

My ocd has moved onto other things now, so I'm by no means free (one day, maybe!) but it can be beaten!

:boxing:

Edited by sufferer
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I don’t think I really consciously fought it but I did find that my OCD themes tended to change and evolve over time. However at one point I hit rock bottom with it all and was in a very unhappy place in life in general. I completely changed my career direction, started exercising, eating better and I found that gave me new drive and direction and whilst I still had general anxiety the OCD subsided for many years. Of course it came crashing back when I was the happiest I had ever been, just to try and sabotage it all.  This is why now I’m determined more than ever to get it under control for good, learn the skills I need for when ‘spikes’ crop up and also manage the warning signs and red flags that can lead to spikes in the first place, (tiredness and stress definitely contribute for me!). I know I’ve got a looooong road ahead but I’m finally receiving professional therapy. Just reaching out and admitting I had a problem was one of the hardest things but I’m so glad I did.

Hope you manage to get this under control too :)

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I think contamination OCD and checking OCD are by far the most common manifestations of OCD. I think Ashley’s vivid prose  illustrates how it can be overcome. I have OCD checking of my body and external things like taps. OCD can be extreme - I would not take a drink of water many hours before leaving my flat because the amount of time it would take to undergone the checking compulsions involving the taps. I had important events to attend. Even when I left the flat the anxiety would build up so I would return to the flat often hundreds of miles away. It almost bankrupted me. It badly affected my health. For me, reduction in external stressors helped, then CBT and then medication.

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Seven years of regular attendance on these forums has revealed to me all the complete waste of time, and life, that OCD brings about. 

And in terms of restrictions, boy does contamination OCD take the biscuit. 

I read about these chains of communication it fabricates, the health fears and dread it can create - and, to me, they are just utter bunkum. 

In the excellent CBT therapy I received, my goal was to see my OCD fears and threats the same way non-sufferers see them - irrational worthless nonsense. 

I know it matters not what theme or manifestation we have: when we get to see our OCD in this way, we are on the route to recovery. 

Edited by taurean
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14 hours ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

Contamination obsessions are the most common. And people overcome OCD. 

They are but not by much (compared to what people think) according to the table in the NICE guidelines.  Contamination compulsions (cleaning/washing etc) are less common than checking compulsions.

I also suspect if the table was repeated by region, in some parts of the world I suspect obsessions around contamination would be less common compared to obsessions around religion or harm. 

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I think that is right. OCD manifestations vary from society to society.Likewise with depression - physical descriptions are more prevalent in some societies than others. Also of course societal knowledge and what constitutes common sense also vary. The intense fear of germs requires the spread of germ theory  which spread in the UK from the late 19 century. Before that the fear was inhaling bad air. During the plagues strange headgear was worn. 

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13 hours ago, taurean said:

my goal was to see my OCD fears and threats the same way non-sufferers see them - irrational worthless nonsense. 

I like that sentence.

I have found it so tiring and exhausting doing this. I think it will take a long time for me to achieve it. 

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2 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Are contamination fears really the most common type or are you just more likely to get an ocd diagnosis if you have this fear? 

Just musing! 

I remember asking my therapist for help in getting referred to a specialist unit when my OCD was particularly bad, but he would not help because he said my OCD was not as bad as another patient who needed to use a stick with a gloved hand to turn on/off light switches. The thing is, mine had become more in the way of internal compulsions, & I was carrying out more than double that amount and needed so many things to align in order to do the simplest of task, such as putting on each item of clothing, or walking through doorways, for example.

My OCD initially started with contamination fears with handwashing, showering, vacuuming, & so on, but morphed into other themes, & the former no problem at all now.

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On 04/07/2019 at 09:25, Ashley said:

Just very quickly as I have a meeting call in 10 minutes. 

At one time (over last 20 years) my OCD meant:

  • I couldn't go outside without showering when back in (even 5 minutes out to the shop meant shower)
  • I couldn't wear clothes inside, I would be sitting in my room naked on a towel. 
  • My indoor and outdoor clothes couldn't touch, separate wardrobes.
  • I couldn't use my own toilet without a 90 minute shower/bath ritual (on a good day), hours on a bad day
  • I avoided public toilets for 20 years, if I was caught short I couldn't wash my clothes they had to be destroyed. 
  • I couldn't touch the tap in the kitchen without pouring a bottle of washing up liquid over my hands at the sink
  • Back in the day of mobile phones with aerials I couldn't take mine out, I had to use cling film on it

But all of that is history, I can now use my own toilet and even public toilets, ideally I wash my hands but if I can't wash my hands it no longer bothers me.  My phone is frequently dropped on the floor and covered in my own sweat and all sorts of nasty stuff when I am out and about cycling. I wear clothes inside the house, my clothes are all mixed up I don't have indoor and outdoor any more, generally on the floor, which is laziness not OCD. 

Happy to answer any specific questions you have when I am back on later or tomorrow morning. :)

 

I wonder if you could share a bit about what cognitive approaches you took, and what sort of time line it took.

It's very inspiring to read that level of recovery. I feel like I can only get so far and then I stay stuck. Very happy with the progress I've made but would just love to see more progress. My big challenge is trying to use toilets that aren't my own. I feel such a big fear/challenge around that and just can't seem to go there...

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18 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Are contamination fears really the most common type or are you just more likely to get an ocd diagnosis if you have this fear

Just musing! 

 

This is the table from the NICE guidelines.  With doctors that know OCD, I suspect those figures would be about right.  But yes your musings is correct, with Dr's that don't know anything about OCD some of those would be most likely missed. 

Compulsions.jpg

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6 hours ago, leif said:

I wonder if you could share a bit about what cognitive approaches you took, and what sort of time line it took.

It's very inspiring to read that level of recovery. I feel like I can only get so far and then I stay stuck. Very happy with the progress I've made but would just love to see more progress. My big challenge is trying to use toilets that aren't my own. I feel such a big fear/challenge around that and just can't seem to go there... 

Sure if I can.

My story is somewhat different to most in that I have been surrounded with experts for much of the last decade so I have not had a formal course of therapy per se, instead I did it myself, touching based with therapists when I needed to.

With the toilet fear you mentioned, that was my biggest fear too for 10+ years.   I can give you some specific about how I over came that fear.  I had through my learnings realised I needed to do some ultimate exposure work for that, and through understanding my fears were less about germs or specifics (deep down I always knew that, but I had to understand it) I realised my fear had become more about the 'uncomfortable feeling I get if I can't wash' (very subtle, took me a while to work that out).   

One day a few years ago I was at a therapist training day and I saw a member, Karen Robinson who some of you may know talk about her therapy which involved touching toilet lids and seats and putting her hands into the toilet, without washing them. She had a very different OCD fear, but I realised that was what I needed to do.  This was a February, and I spoke after to Karen and her therapist, my friend, Paul.  Whilst I wasn't quite ready to do the exercise that day, I did for some reason say I would do it at the next event, a therapist training day I was hosting later that year in the November. 

In those preceding months I tried subtle exercise like touching the toilet lids, but the anxiety wasn't fading and as the November conference arrived I had really, really hoped Paul had forgot about my offer... he hadn't!   My anxiety was through the roof, but I knew I needed to do this to make the change in my life that I wanted.

So 5 or 6 therapist crowded around this toilet in the conference venue, Paul put his hand in first, he then actually invited me to give it a try too, but didn't force me, he gave me the opt out. That sort of reverse psychology worked for me and I did it... somehow.   The anxiety wasn't that bad at all.

A few minutes later I was standing with my wet hands away from my body, which Paul noticed and asked permission if he could touch my hands, and then he rubbed them over his clothes and hair.  He had realised (I hadn't) I was subconsciously not letting my hands touch my body.   And that was pretty much it, the anxiety faded in less than 5 minutes. Within 20 minutes I was on stage introducing the next speaker and I had more or less forgotten I had done that about 5pm.

I think the reason the anxiety went so quickly post exercise is because it was my decision, I took the control to put myself there, I chose to give change a go I guess. 

:)

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Thanks so much for sharing that @Ashley. That is so amazing and inspiring. For so long I've found it tolerable to just put up with the toilet one as it doesn't cause me too  much grief, but lately I really feel like I'd like to make that final leap across. I feel if I could do that so much in my life would open up, and I almost feel like that would be it for the OCD altogether.

Reading your story, sounds like in the end it really was just a leap, that the attempt to build up to it to bring the anxiety levels down around toilets by touching lids etc didn't really do much to help...it encourages me to take a bit of a leap myself, as I've been trying to build up to it without too much success. Of course i'm sure it was so helpful to have a really good support team around you, and to have made that declaration that you would be doing it! Hard to back down after that! :) 

It's fascinating to me that something so seemingly simple, and something that I used to do without any thought about it whatsoever, could present as such a challenge. And just the thought that I could just walk out and use other toilets today, could release me from a prison I've put myself into, is such an amazing idea!

 

Thank you @BelAnna for starting this thread--i find it inspiring to read a few people's story of recovery!

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Thank you so much for the replies! It's really helpful to hear from people who have recovered!

 I was just wondering which elements of CBT were particularly useful in recovering from contamination fears; I realize there is the ERP element but I think I need to do more work in challenging my thoughts. I have had contamination fears since I was 7 so it feels like I have struggled with it for my entire life! (like most sufferers I also have several unrelated obsessions, which are equally difficult to cope with!). 

On 04/07/2019 at 14:07, Madchoc said:

Hi Belanna, I to have contamination OCD, I understand what you are saying, all Ocd affects us all in different ways. I would love my Ocd to just go, unfortunately it seems to take quite a while, it would be great to take a magic pill, and that was that. It is not a quick fix, though how I wish it was. Are you having therapy now? I did but it has now finished and I can’t re apply for six months, unless I go private. Which can be expensive. Take care. X

It would lovely if OCD could just disappear definitely or if there was a magic bullet pill! Hope you're ok today! xx

On 04/07/2019 at 14:42, PolarBear said:

BelAnna, I didn't have contamination OCD but the answer to your question is yes. Sufferers have overcome their contamination OCD.

You concentrate on viruses, believing there is truth in your fears, but it's the same for the other hundred or more types of contamination OCD. Someone with obsessions about asbestos isn't the least afraid of viruses but is convinced there is asbestos everywhere and it will do them harm.

That's something to keep in mind about how OCD works. Yes, there may be a bit of truth to obsessions but it is the extreme overblowing of the risk that is a hallmark of OCD.

Yes, there are viruses everywhere and some can make you sick. But the OCD mind screams at you that this is a dire emergency and must be dealt with now! It's never that bad in reality. 

OCD lies, all the time. Every time. OCD has never told the truth. Not once. Yes there are viruses but the lie is that their alleged existence is an emergency. 

Part of recovery is learning that OCD always lies to you and to take the risk and stop listening to it.

Thanks so much. I'm trying to think of my OCD thoughts as 'OCD lies'. Interestingly my contamination obsession has taken lots of different forms over the years (from fear of viruses, to fear of chemicals, asbestos, magical contamination [fear of magically catching and spreading cancer from an ill person] etc.)and has co-existed with lots of unrelated obsessions as well and obviously when my OCD was focused on chemical contamination I was less anxious about microbes etc. so it just shows how illogical OCD is. 

On 04/07/2019 at 14:53, leil said:

I think the thing with this is that everyone’s different OCD theme will generate ‘threats’ that feel extremely real to them as if they have a high likelihood of happening.  Yes viruses cause illness but realistically whereas it’s unlikely that someone will get a serious illness that they’ve been worried about, it could possibly happen.  But most people don’t spend their time worrying about it as it doesn’t protect from or prevent an illness. It’s OCD that amplifies that threat.

I suffered from contamination OCD for a long time (10 years+) however all of the worries that took over my life don’t worry me now anymore than they would worry a non sufferer. For example I was terrified of inadvertent HIV transmission from a rogue needlestick injury (it was amazing where my mind could find potential hidden needles!). Now I could touch dried blood and not freak out. Sure I’d go straight to wash my hands thoroughly, as would anyone else, but then I wouldn’t give it another thought.

However now my OCD revolves around responsibility and a fear of inadvertently  causing harm to complete strangers and so now I find *that* the hardest as the overwhelming guilt and uncertainty means that I punish and berate myself endlessly. Someone who worries about contamination, or any other theme, would most probably think I’m just being silly, have nothing to worry about and that their concerns are much worse. It’s the same condition really, it’s just all perspective. 

Thank you Leil. That's brilliant that your old contamination fears are a thing of the past!

I'm sorry that your OCD has changed focus- it can be so hard when the focus of your OCD changes all the time!

Yes, that's true that every OCD theme causes the sufferer to feel as though there is a genuine threat and of course any 'real' threats in contamination-obsessions are over-exaggerated. My contamination obsession is mostly focused on stomach viruses at the moment, which are unfortunately common and not at all serious for normal people but a huge deal for an Emetophobe! I have some co-existing harm fears too and they're just as difficult to cope with so that must be hard and I definitely don't think you're being silly!

On 04/07/2019 at 17:25, Ashley said:

Just very quickly as I have a meeting call in 10 minutes. 

At one time (over last 20 years) my OCD meant:

  • I couldn't go outside without showering when back in (even 5 minutes out to the shop meant shower)
  • I couldn't wear clothes inside, I would be sitting in my room naked on a towel. 
  • My indoor and outdoor clothes couldn't touch, separate wardrobes.
  • I couldn't use my own toilet without a 90 minute shower/bath ritual (on a good day), hours on a bad day
  • I avoided public toilets for 20 years, if I was caught short I couldn't wash my clothes they had to be destroyed. 
  • I couldn't touch the tap in the kitchen without pouring a bottle of washing up liquid over my hands at the sink
  • Back in the day of mobile phones with aerials I couldn't take mine out, I had to use cling film on it

But all of that is history, I can now use my own toilet and even public toilets, ideally I wash my hands but if I can't wash my hands it no longer bothers me.  My phone is frequently dropped on the floor and covered in my own sweat and all sorts of nasty stuff when I am out and about cycling. I wear clothes inside the house, my clothes are all mixed up I don't have indoor and outdoor any more, generally on the floor, which is laziness not OCD. 

Happy to answer any specific questions you have when I am back on later or tomorrow morning. :)

 

That's amazing Ashley!

Sorry I'm yet to read the last few messages on the thread. I get very overwhelmed when writing messages as I have magical thinking intrusive thoughts about certain words and then end up being unable to form sentences so it takes ages to reply sometimes!

I can relate to the showering whenever I've (roughly once a week) left the house, wearing different clothes, not using public/other people's toilets (although I'm lucky to be able to use the loo at home without showering- that must have been a nightmare!), washing my hands with carex 100x per day and I don't use a mobile phone so my OCD is similar to how yours was to begin with. I really should have made more progress by now after years of therapy!! 

Just going to read the last few thread messages now!

On 04/07/2019 at 17:59, sufferer said:

Hi BelAnna,

The answer is yes! 

I used to have horrendous contamination ocd, and have beaten it into (almost!) submission by ignoring compulsions and thoughts. Not easy but it does work.

I remember one bad day in particular (there were many!) when my Mum brought the bins up after they'd been emptied and refused to wash her hands afterwards. We were going out for the day and as well as it ruining the day out as I was so anxious all day, when I got home I had to clean my car, wash mine and my then toddler's clothes, shower, then bath my toddler and throw an entire bag of shopping away (all contaminated). 

This was by no means my worst day, but I use it as an example because just this weekend my Mum did the exact same thing with the bins, again just before getting in the car for a trip out. And it didn't bother me at all.

There are many such stories I could tell, but the bottom line is it's all ocd. 

My ocd has moved onto other things now, so I'm by no means free (one day, maybe!) but it can be beaten!

:boxing:

Hi Sufferer, 

That's inspiring to hear- thank you! It must be lovely to be free of the contamination fears. I'm sorry you're struggling with another manifestation of this horrible illness but at least you know it can be beaten!  

On 04/07/2019 at 18:24, OCDhavenobrain said:

Contamination obsessions are the most common. And people overcome OCD. 

Thanks OCDhavenobrain, I do sometimes wonder what percentage of sufferers really fully recover- maybe I could look that up OR maybe that's just an excuse not to try to face my fears!

On 04/07/2019 at 19:33, Angst said:

I think contamination OCD and checking OCD are by far the most common manifestations of OCD. I think Ashley’s vivid prose  illustrates how it can be overcome. I have OCD checking of my body and external things like taps. OCD can be extreme - I would not take a drink of water many hours before leaving my flat because the amount of time it would take to undergone the checking compulsions involving the taps. I had important events to attend. Even when I left the flat the anxiety would build up so I would return to the flat often hundreds of miles away. It almost bankrupted me. It badly affected my health. For me, reduction in external stressors helped, then CBT and then medication.

It is such a horrible illness Angst, I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time in the past but that's great that the CBT and medication are helping.

I have lots of different obsessions including ones involving checking to prevent harm coming to people so I guess it was a bit silly to ask specifically about contamination OCD. I think it was just because I was panicking about a (perceived) contamination threat at the time! 

On 04/07/2019 at 19:14, leil said:

I don’t think I really consciously fought it but I did find that my OCD themes tended to change and evolve over time. However at one point I hit rock bottom with it all and was in a very unhappy place in life in general. I completely changed my career direction, started exercising, eating better and I found that gave me new drive and direction and whilst I still had general anxiety the OCD subsided for many years. Of course it came crashing back when I was the happiest I had ever been, just to try and sabotage it all.  This is why now I’m determined more than ever to get it under control for good, learn the skills I need for when ‘spikes’ crop up and also manage the warning signs and red flags that can lead to spikes in the first place, (tiredness and stress definitely contribute for me!). I know I’ve got a looooong road ahead but I’m finally receiving professional therapy. Just reaching out and admitting I had a problem was one of the hardest things but I’m so glad I did.

Hope you manage to get this under control too :)

That's really interesting that a change in life circumstances and developing a sense of direction made a big difference! I feel very stuck in life just now so that won't be helping.

 I'm really sorry OCD managed to pop up again just as you were feeling happy though- I hope things are going well with your therapy at the moment! 

 

22 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Are contamination fears really the most common type or are you just more likely to get an ocd diagnosis if you have this fear? 

Just musing! 

That might well be the case Gingerbreadgirl! 

19 hours ago, felix4 said:

I remember asking my therapist for help in getting referred to a specialist unit when my OCD was particularly bad, but he would not help because he said my OCD was not as bad as another patient who needed to use a stick with a gloved hand to turn on/off light switches. The thing is, mine had become more in the way of internal compulsions, & I was carrying out more than double that amount and needed so many things to align in order to do the simplest of task, such as putting on each item of clothing, or walking through doorways, for example.

My OCD initially started with contamination fears with handwashing, showering, vacuuming, & so on, but morphed into other themes, & the former no problem at all now.

That's awful Felix- it sounds like you might have benefited from specialist treatment. I spent three months at the Anxiety Disorders Residential Unit in Bethlem and I'm still struggling almost six years later so it's not a magic cure- just more frequent, intensive CBT but if you are at the right place in your recovery then it can really help. 

 

Just going to post this and then read the last few messages.

 

Thank you very much for everyone's input xx

Edited by BelAnna
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4 hours ago, Ashley said:

Sure if I can.

My story is somewhat different to most in that I have been surrounded with experts for much of the last decade so I have not had a formal course of therapy per se, instead I did it myself, touching based with therapists when I needed to.

With the toilet fear you mentioned, that was my biggest fear too for 10+ years.   I can give you some specific about how I over came that fear.  I had through my learnings realised I needed to do some ultimate exposure work for that, and through understanding my fears were less about germs or specifics (deep down I always knew that, but I had to understand it) I realised my fear had become more about the 'uncomfortable feeling I get if I can't wash' (very subtle, took me a while to work that out).   

One day a few years ago I was at a therapist training day and I saw a member, Karen Robinson who some of you may know talk about her therapy which involved touching toilet lids and seats and putting her hands into the toilet, without washing them. She had a very different OCD fear, but I realised that was what I needed to do.  This was a February, and I spoke after to Karen and her therapist, my friend, Paul.  Whilst I wasn't quite ready to do the exercise that day, I did for some reason say I would do it at the next event, a therapist training day I was hosting later that year in the November. 

In those preceding months I tried subtle exercise like touching the toilet lids, but the anxiety wasn't fading and as the November conference arrived I had really, really hoped Paul had forgot about my offer... he hadn't!   My anxiety was through the roof, but I knew I needed to do this to make the change in my life that I wanted.

So 5 or 6 therapist crowded around this toilet in the conference venue, Paul put his hand in first, he then actually invited me to give it a try too, but didn't force me, he gave me the opt out. That sort of reverse psychology worked for me and I did it... somehow.   The anxiety wasn't that bad at all.

A few minutes later I was standing with my wet hands away from my body, which Paul noticed and asked permission if he could touch my hands, and then he rubbed them over his clothes and hair.  He had realised (I hadn't) I was subconsciously not letting my hands touch my body.   And that was pretty much it, the anxiety faded in less than 5 minutes. Within 20 minutes I was on stage introducing the next speaker and I had more or less forgotten I had done that about 5pm.

I think the reason the anxiety went so quickly post exercise is because it was my decision, I took the control to put myself there, I chose to give change a go I guess. 

:)

That's really inspiring and must have taken so much strength to do!!

I think that when I was at the ADRU I was supposed to work my way up to putting my hand into a toilet. I honestly cannot imagine ever doing that apart from maybe at home and only if no-one was unwell (e.g. with a stomach upset) but then that sort of defeats the purpose, which would be to carry out exposures when I couldn't be sure whether I would contract Norovirus. 

That's interesting about the discomfort factor in contamination OCD- I'm sure that affects a lot of sufferers too. 

Did the toilet ERP task then impact on all other aspects of your OCD or was it the start of road to recovery?

42 minutes ago, leif said:

Thanks so much for sharing that @Ashley. That is so amazing and inspiring. For so long I've found it tolerable to just put up with the toilet one as it doesn't cause me too  much grief, but lately I really feel like I'd like to make that final leap across. I feel if I could do that so much in my life would open up, and I almost feel like that would be it for the OCD altogether.

Reading your story, sounds like in the end it really was just a leap, that the attempt to build up to it to bring the anxiety levels down around toilets by touching lids etc didn't really do much to help...it encourages me to take a bit of a leap myself, as I've been trying to build up to it without too much success. Of course i'm sure it was so helpful to have a really good support team around you, and to have made that declaration that you would be doing it! Hard to back down after that! :) 

It's fascinating to me that something so seemingly simple, and something that I used to do without any thought about it whatsoever, could present as such a challenge. And just the thought that I could just walk out and use other toilets today, could release me from a prison I've put myself into, is such an amazing idea!

 

Thank you @BelAnna for starting this thread--i find it inspiring to read a few people's story of recovery!

Thanks you for your inspiring post too Leil!

Good luck with taking a leap if you can! 

:) 

 

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On 06/07/2019 at 17:26, BelAnna said:

I think that when I was at the ADRU I was supposed to work my way up to putting my hand into a toilet. I honestly cannot imagine ever doing that apart from maybe at home and only if no-one was unwell (e.g. with a stomach upset) but then that sort of defeats the purpose, which would be to carry out exposures when I couldn't be sure whether I would contract Norovirus. 

That's interesting about the discomfort factor in contamination OCD- I'm sure that affects a lot of sufferers too. 

Did the toilet ERP task then impact on all other aspects of your OCD or was it the start of road to recovery?

It did impact on my other OCD problems in a positive way, in that little things which would have previously bothered me and forced a hand wash were no longer doing that. For example I dropped my phone at the support group in a bathroom near the loo.  At one time chances are that would have been thrown away, or at least cleaned to the point of destroying. I just picked it up, blew away any dust from the floor and popped it back in my pocket.

I must admit at one time I could not imagine ever doing it either, but over time and the more I understand OCD/CBT I realised I needed to do it... actually doing it took a lot longer to put into practice, which is fine, but I do think the important part is acknowledging to ourselves when we need to do such an exercise. Once we accept the fact we need to do it, we can then set about trying to make it a reality. 

 

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On 06/07/2019 at 16:09, leif said:

I feel if I could do that so much in my life would open up, and I almost feel like that would be it for the OCD altogether.

Reading your story, sounds like in the end it really was just a leap, that the attempt to build up to it to bring the anxiety levels down around toilets by touching lids etc didn't really do much to help...it encourages me to take a bit of a leap myself, as I've been trying to build up to it without too much success.  

Hiya Leif,

I think the build up exposures did help. Remember, this was at the very top of my hierarchy, so any little exposures can only help and even if they only make the ultimate exposure 1% easier, every 1% helps.. marginal gains as Dave Brailsford would say.  I think acceptance of the fact I needed to do the exercise and what it meant for me did help too, so another 1-2% there. 

Certainly a therapist doing it first helped take the edge of the anxiety, so that was another 1-2%. So you're right, having a support team behind us can help for sure, but ultimately it's down to us.... what allowed me to make that leap of faith then I am not quite sure, I guess all those factors combined helped. 

:)

 

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