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Hi all 

I hope you're all doing OK. 

Unfortunately I am not doing well at all I'm feeling really hopeless right now. I think I am maybe even verging on depression. In many ways I lack motivation to feel better because the moment I stop feeling low then ocd just comes roaring back. 

I have many themes but generally they revolve around one topic: am I monster, am I acceptable, etc. I especially obsess over this in relation to my marriage. I also obsess over our relationship itself, whether it's ok, etc.  I find it very hard to accept fault either in myself or my partner who I tend to put on somewhat of a pedestal. This is black and white thinking, I know. 

I am looking for a therapist now and I am also starting a course of fluoxetine  because I can't go on like this. 

At the moment I am stuck on an argument my partner and I had nearly two years ago. My partner has I think long forgotten about this. But I am totally obsessed with what was said, what it means about us, what it means about me, wanting to talk about it but not wanting to open it up again, feeling like there is this huge elephant in the room. 

It is completely destroying me. I can't imagine ever feeling at peace about it. 

I often feel like I can never relax again. 

Anyway I'm sorry for this huge ramble. Didn't know where else to turn. 

I hope everyone is OK  xx 

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So sorry you are also going through a nasty blip, you've been very insightful for me in dark times, you will get on top again, just hold on in these choppy waters,try an avoid compulsions and,the core beleaf like myself is that we are vile monsters, this is the one we have to slowly change x

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I feel like I need to resolve this argument 100% but I can't. It's like I need my partner to be 100% right and perfect in all ways because otherwise it feels unsafe somehow. Which is ridiculous and also totally unfair because she is human like everyone else. She is going to get things wrong sometimes. 

I don't know why I can't move past this. 

Edited by gingerbreadgirl
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I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately  I cannot give any advice but I wanted to send you support. You helped me so much in the past. You're really a wonderful person and I really hope that you can apply the kindness you give to others also to yourself.

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Hi gbg

Sorry to hear your feeling so low. Glad to hear your looking Into more CBT. I Know you have not had the best experience in the past. However it doesn't mean you can't have a better experience this time round. Also it's maybe not a bad thing you are taking the flouxetine , it's certainly worth a try. It may help balance you out a little and able to embrace the therapy. It certainly did that for me. 

I think can't type much more now as I am a break at work it's a case of 'one of those days!' for me today. I will try and pick up the thread later today if possible. 

Try and stay strong. 

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Thank you all. I really appreciate your kind words. I'm hoping something will get better soon. It probably doesn't help that I did an absolutely massive compulsion recently and it "solved" one of my fears, for a while, but now I feel like I want to solve all of them through compulsions which obviously will NEVER work!

I feel like such a failure that I'm still posting here after all this time. 

Ps. Avo I hope your day gets better!

Edited by gingerbreadgirl
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6 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Anyway I'm sorry for this huge ramble. Didn't know where else to turn.

You've been there for so many on this forum, I am pleased you feel able to turn to us for your ramble. :)  I also realise I didn't reply to your second email the other night, am on it now.. sorry.

1 hour ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I feel like such a failure that I'm still posting here after all this time. 

If you're a failure, what does that make me? 

Uber failure?  Super doper failure? Mega failure?  :D :whistling:

None of those things of course, because neither of us are failures. We have both come a long way, but both still have a little work to do to get us to where we want to be next. That doesn't make us failures, it makes us 'survivors', makes us 'stronger (than we realise)', makes us 'determined' (to recover). 

Repeat after me....  gingerbreadgirl is not a failure.  ;)

 

1 hour ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I did an absolutely massive compulsion recently and it "solved" one of my fears, for a while

I have bolded and underlined the key part of that.  You are a smart cookie so I am sure you already know compulsions don't solve anything long term. 

 

6 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

At the moment I am stuck on an argument my partner and I had nearly two years ago. My partner has I think long forgotten about this. But I am totally obsessed with what was said, what it means about us, what it means about me, wanting to talk about it but not wanting to open it up again, feeling like there is this huge elephant in the room.

I remember an incident you spoke about which got a little dramatic. But I don't remember the actual reasons for that.  So maybe your partner has also long forgotten about it too. I guess if you are still ruminating on it then it's very much about what you think about yourself, classic OCD.  Many would have called that ROCD (I wouldn't of course), because have you have highlighted there it's much more than that, the OCD is most likely deep down about what it means about you too.

Anyway, off to reply to your email (grabbing sandwich first) but just wanted to nip this talk of failure in the bud :D

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Hi gingerbread,

Ashley is spot on as you’ve always been here for others. Sorry you’re low but you know it’s a roller coaster and goes up also ? just got to keep going. 

I can understand the utter distress of going over past things and I bet you’d already been over it before. It’s what we do I think. 

Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs x

njb

ps I’m as fruity as a fruit bat presently and everything I see or do is convincing me I am my fears. Before my very eyes pictures seem to morph and it’s tough I know but it’s ocd. It always is for us. The argument does not matter at all, the ocd is the issue.

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Hi GBG,

How are you this evening? how are you finding the fluoxetine? have you already referred for CBT?

 I know black and white thinking is an issue for OCD, accepting the 'grey area' which often means uncertainty is a tough but I think important step. Heck I still struggle at times myself so I know how difficult it can be. 

10 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I find it very hard to accept fault either in myself or my partner who I tend to put on somewhat of a pedestal

People have their faults this is just being human - as you said yourself, putting your partner on a pedestal one that I am sure she has not asked to be put on is not fair on her or you. 

from what I know of you - you seem a nice person who is beating herself up - due mainly to OCD. 

I hope your a tad better this evening - or at least enjoying some distraction from the ruminating and beating yourself up? 

 

(my day at work was eventful to say the least thanks for asking  - I may mention on another thread but I do sometimes wonder if Peter Kay is looking for material for a new show he should spend a few days at my place)

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56 minutes ago, njb said:

Hi gingerbread,

Ashley is spot on as you’ve always been here for others. Sorry you’re low but you know it’s a roller coaster and goes up also ? just got to keep going. 

I can understand the utter distress of going over past things and I bet you’d already been over it before. It’s what we do I think. 

Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs x

njb

ps I’m as fruity as a fruit bat presently and everything I see or do is convincing me I am my fears. Before my very eyes pictures seem to morph and it’s tough I know but it’s ocd. It always is for us. The argument does not matter at all, the ocd is the issue.

Thanks njb you're really kind and your advice is spot on thanks. Sorry to hear you're not doing too well. I hope you feel better soon x 

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18 minutes ago, Avo said:

Hi GBG,

How are you this evening? how are you finding the fluoxetine? have you already referred for CBT?

 I know black and white thinking is an issue for OCD, accepting the 'grey area' which often means uncertainty is a tough but I think important step. Heck I still struggle at times myself so I know how difficult it can be. 

People have their faults this is just being human - as you said yourself, putting your partner on a pedestal one that I am sure she has not asked to be put on is not fair on her or you. 

from what I know of you - you seem a nice person who is beating herself up - due mainly to OCD. 

I hope your a tad better this evening - or at least enjoying some distraction from the ruminating and beating yourself up?

Hi avo 

Thanks for this it does make a lot of sense. I think I've got myself so tangled up in so many different angles on this topic I can't see the wood for the trees. 

You're right my partner didn't ask for this. It isn't fair. I am so incredibly desperate for her to say the magic words to make this better but she can't and it makes me feel vulnerable in a way I've never felt before. The argument we had really got under my skin and I struggle to make peace with some of the things that were said in the heat of the moment, I feel this desperate need to resolve them and talk it out. Just leaving it feels agonising but I don't think I have any choice. 

22 minutes ago, Avo said:

 

(my day at work was eventful to say the least thanks for asking  - I may mention on another thread but I do sometimes wonder if Peter Kay is looking for material for a new show he should spend a few days at my place)

This made me :D 

Hope you're having a nice evening and got a nice weekend planned. Thanks again  x 

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Sorry you are struggling GBG. 

Remember, meds will take time to kick in, they are no instant fix. 

Can't add much, other than try and keep the faith. OCD will seek to move in when it sees its chance, and additional themes may be a pain, but it's still only the same old OCD under a different disguise. 

I said on another thread that I worked towards seeing everything my OCD was trying to throw at me as "irrational worthless nonsense" - and I reckon I can add the word negative to that. 

I got there. And I encourage others towards that goal because I haven't yet viewed the themes that others suffer from here as anything more than that, though the sufferer will always find that more trying. 

Remember, the surface of the water in our emotional "lake" may be choppy, but when we dive in beneath the "waves" we can find calm again below. 

Edited by taurean
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Hi gbg, 

Sorry to hear your having a rough time at the moment, me too sadly :(

I had come so far and yet feel a failure because I've come to a stand still, but lots of this are due to both internal and external factors and yet sadly this is always going to be a part of life. It's learning about how to cope with added issues if and when they do crop up and not just black and white thinking. 

I've learnt on my journey that we always crave certainty and if we have that we will be ok :no: wrong we won't  :(because if we do get it for one thing we will only get short term relief because  there will always be something else that takes its place and that niggling doubting starts again and so the viscous cycle continues. 

One of the hardest parts of recovery is learning to live with the uncertainty of never knowing and letting things go, it is this that keeps our minds in sheer torment and turmoil and keeps us stuck :( no matter how much time or effort we put into it we will never find the answer we are looking for:no: easier said than done I know, but it's something we need to do to aid us to recovery. I'm still learning too.

Sending you :hug:lost x

 

 

 

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Thank you Roy and lost. As always you give very wise advice. :) 

I know I just need to leave this alone rather than needing things to be "just so". I don't know why I sometimes think "aha! If I just ruminate about this really hard then I will find a solution!" What an idiot :D 

Lost I'm so sorry you're having a rough time too. You've come so far and you will come through this too sending you hugs xx 

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I'm not sure what I'm trying to explain here but I will give it a whirl? 

8 months ago I was feeling the most positive person ever, I thought I was capable of achieving any goal I wanted, very very different to my previous years. I felt confident as a person, felt good about myself and proud that I could actually focus on something positive and turn things around in a good positive way, for once I felt proud in myself I could achieve what ever I wanted. I was a very active part of the forum here on the forum, i felt I could do anything and put great effort in to my therapy and wanting to help others as well as myself to help them along their own journey and share what I had learnt my confidence had no limit. I had taken on board what people had been saying to me, listening to their encourage ment that I could do this, I could do that, I would be good at this, good at that etc etc and my confidence just grew. Before this I had felt like a useless person good for nothing and that I could never be good enough to achieve anything. Nothing could stop me.

Sadly just thinking I was never going to achieve anything, be good for nothing etc dragged me down, but it hit me much harder after I had built up my confidence to achieve these things to end up flat on my face so to speak and this dragged me down even further to where I am now and hit me much harder  than before because now I had what I perceived as evidence that I am a useless person good for nothing because I couldn't even land a volunteering job so things took a turn for the worse and I ended up with so much negativity and slowly my confidence crumbled hence me not visiting the forum any more.

Sadly even though these things were said with good intentions and boosted my moral things soon spiralled back to black and white thinking and I couldn't see the grey areas between and hence a downward spiral in my recovery journey and I was back to a life full of negativity. I needed 100% certainty from others that I was a good person and  that i was capable of achieving anything I set my mind too, sadly I've learnt the hard way they can't give us that certainty we desire no one can, we have to learn to accept the uncertainty of never knowing and believing in ourselves and taking a chance. I'm slowly rebuilding myself back on my journey and realising that nothing is ever certain in life we can never get the answer we want so we have to learn to accept the uncertainties of never knowing.

Hope this makes sense lol ? I'm trying to help you to learn to let go and accept the uncertainty of never knowing :) x

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That's nicely put lost. 

It's difficult to get work, period, at the moment. And it was difficult when I started way back in 1971 (Dad got me my first job by pulling a few strings) and when Julie last looked 25 years ago - she made 50 applications, and that only for part-time work, before she got a job. 

There is a guy featured on the news with five degrees and can't get a job right now. 

So don't you go letting that nasty black and white thinking go getting you down. 

Best way to get work? Through someone you know, or at a local charity shop for voluntary. Or putting it about locally that you are looking. Or online, like I do here, giving my time free to help others. 

We can't all be what we might like to be, emulate others. 

But we can be a very fine lostinme, taurean, gingerbreadgirl - and that's what really matters. 

Learning what to do and applying it, and refusing to listen to OCD or one or more of those 15 nasty categorised negative thinking distortions (I had four but they don't bother me now) is the goal. 

Both of you are excellent human beings, and not what OCD or those pesky distortions says, and - remember - your true character traits will always remain intact. Learning that in CBT was an absolute gamechanger and light bulb ? moment for me. 

Have a good weekend both. 

Roy :king:

 

Edited by taurean
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3 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I don't know why I sometimes think "aha! If I just ruminate about this really hard then I will find a solution!" What an idiot :D 

If only it were that easy - OCD would be a doddle to beat :) yet ruminating is such a difficult habit to break.

How are you coping with starting your fluoxetine GBG? in terms of CBT are you on a waiting list currently? 

2 hours ago, lostinme said:

Sadly just thinking I was never going to achieve anything, be good for nothing etc dragged me down, but it hit me much harder after I had built up my confidence to achieve these things to end up flat on my face so to speak and this dragged me down even further to where I am now and hit me much harder  than before because now I had what I perceived as evidence that I am a useless person good for nothing because I couldn't even land a volunteering job so things took a turn for the worse and I ended up with so much negativity and slowly my confidence crumbled hence me not visiting the forum any more.

Sorry your confidence has crumbled so much lost - jobs are hard to come by, even voluntary ones. The world of work unpaid or paid is a tough one. I do a pretty ordinary Job where you don't need qualifications as such - just a decent work ethic. There are people at my work with qualifications galore yet they are struggling to get anything near their level of expertise and are saddled with a lot of student debt on a wage way below what they initially thought they would be earning given their level of education. I think that is quite typical across the country. 

The Jobs market is tough and Job hunting is stressful and hurtful I have had plenty of knock backs you just have to try and not take it personally I am sure it was their loss for not taking you on. 

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3 hours ago, lostinme said:

I'm not sure what I'm trying to explain here but I will give it a whirl? 

8 months ago I was feeling the most positive person ever, I thought I was capable of achieving any goal I wanted, very very different to my previous years. I felt confident as a person, felt good about myself and proud that I could actually focus on something positive and turn things around in a good positive way, for once I felt proud in myself I could achieve what ever I wanted. I was a very active part of the forum here on the forum, i felt I could do anything and put great effort in to my therapy and wanting to help others as well as myself to help them along their own journey and share what I had learnt my confidence had no limit. I had taken on board what people had been saying to me, listening to their encourage ment that I could do this, I could do that, I would be good at this, good at that etc etc and my confidence just grew. Before this I had felt like a useless person good for nothing and that I could never be good enough to achieve anything. Nothing could stop me.

Sadly just thinking I was never going to achieve anything, be good for nothing etc dragged me down, but it hit me much harder after I had built up my confidence to achieve these things to end up flat on my face so to speak and this dragged me down even further to where I am now and hit me much harder  than before because now I had what I perceived as evidence that I am a useless person good for nothing because I couldn't even land a volunteering job so things took a turn for the worse and I ended up with so much negativity and slowly my confidence crumbled hence me not visiting the forum any more.

Sadly even though these things were said with good intentions and boosted my moral things soon spiralled back to black and white thinking and I couldn't see the grey areas between and hence a downward spiral in my recovery journey and I was back to a life full of negativity. I needed 100% certainty from others that I was a good person and  that i was capable of achieving anything I set my mind too, sadly I've learnt the hard way they can't give us that certainty we desire no one can, we have to learn to accept the uncertainty of never knowing and believing in ourselves and taking a chance. I'm slowly rebuilding myself back on my journey and realising that nothing is ever certain in life we can never get the answer we want so we have to learn to accept the uncertainties of never knowing.

Hope this makes sense lol ? I'm trying to help you to learn to let go and accept the uncertainty of never knowing :) x

Hi  lost

That does make total sense thank you  x and I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time. I really hope you very back to that positive place v soon, you deserve to :) x 

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54 minutes ago, Avo said:

 

If only it were that easy - OCD would be a doddle to beat :) yet ruminating is such a difficult habit to break.

How are you coping with starting your fluoxetine GBG? in terms of CBT are you on a waiting list currently? 

Sorry your confidence has crumbled so much lost - jobs are hard to come by, even voluntary ones. The world of work unpaid or paid is a tough one. I do a pretty ordinary Job where you don't need qualifications as such - just a decent work ethic. There are people at my work with qualifications galore yet they are struggling to get anything near their level of expertise and are saddled with a lot of student debt on a wage way below what they initially thought they would be earning given their level of education. I think that is quite typical across the country. 

The Jobs market is tough and Job hunting is stressful and hurtful I have had plenty of knock backs you just have to try and not take it personally I am sure it was their loss for not taking you on. 

Hi avo 

Fluoxetine is fine but very early days. I've not noticed any particular side effects although felt a little strange in the gym this morning could be unrelated though! I'm not on the waiting list for CBT I'm more thinking about going private. I am very cynical about the whole thing I must be honest. 

I am feeling a bit rubbish again today, going over and over the argument. I think some of it is ocd but a lot of it is black and white thinking. I don't know how to let go of it I just wish it had never happened. I feel like I need some kind of resolution to it but if I ever bring it up it just leads to more arguing. To me it feels very unfinished. How do you just leave something which still feels so massive? Is that not just suppressing things? 

I know I need to be more accepting of things being imperfect. 

Thanks so much for the help and advice x 

Edited by gingerbreadgirl
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16 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I just wish it had never happened

I think we all think like that about arguments mate, but if we assume that this is 99% OCD related, if it was not this argument then I guess it would have been something else the OCD was fixated on. What do you think? 

A x

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I went privately back about 10 yrs ago. To be fair I found my therapist very good and of course you don't have the potential of waiting for so long on the NHS. It wasn't cheap but at the time my wife and I had more disposable income at  and I think where health is concerned - mental or physical it can be money well spent. I am sure you will but do make sure that the therapist is well versed in OCD. 

They may be able to tell if there are other things going on and could possibly recommend a route

(I should say I have had very good treatment on the NHS too)

My wife and I have had some big arguments over the years - we have not always laid everything to rest - I have a habit of not moving on in her eyes - which to a point may be a fair one. My relationship with her parents is a strained one due to a time when we worked with them in a business, this always causes arguments between us even now some 5 years down the line as they are heavily involved with are lives and as a lot of grandparents do they dote on my son who is their only grandchild . This does simmer over now and then. We I think have agreed to disagree on the subject. 

Is it supressing things by not reaching a resolution? maybe but I know in the bigger picture our overall relationship is more important and not hopefully strong enough not to let it overtake everything. not saying that's ideal but it is kind of where we are at with it. we agree on 95% of everything else.

Also it probably feels bigger to you as your ruminating about it, which elevates and magnifies everything. If you can achieve a situation where it is not being ruminated on it will almost certainly feel less intense. 

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37 minutes ago, Ashley said:

I think we all think like that about arguments mate, but if we assume that this is 99% OCD related, if it was not this argument then I guess it would have been something else the OCD was fixated on. What do you think? 

A x

I see what you're saying it likely would have done x

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27 minutes ago, Avo said:

I went privately back about 10 yrs ago. To be fair I found my therapist very good and of course you don't have the potential of waiting for so long on the NHS. It wasn't cheap but at the time my wife and I had more disposable income at  and I think where health is concerned - mental or physical it can be money well spent. I am sure you will but do make sure that the therapist is well versed in OCD. 

They may be able to tell if there are other things going on and could possibly recommend a route

(I should say I have had very good treatment on the NHS too)

My wife and I have had some big arguments over the years - we have not always laid everything to rest - I have a habit of not moving on in her eyes - which to a point may be a fair one. My relationship with her parents is a strained one due to a time when we worked with them in a business, this always causes arguments between us even now some 5 years down the line as they are heavily involved with are lives and as a lot of grandparents do they dote on my son who is their only grandchild . This does simmer over now and then. We I think have agreed to disagree on the subject. 

Is it supressing things by not reaching a resolution? maybe but I know in the bigger picture our overall relationship is more important and not hopefully strong enough not to let it overtake everything. not saying that's ideal but it is kind of where we are at with it. we agree on 95% of everything else.

Also it probably feels bigger to you as your ruminating about it, which elevates and magnifies everything. If you can achieve a situation where it is not being ruminated on it will almost certainly feel less intense. 

Thanks avo. I do see what you're saying. I feel very frustrated because I want my partner to say certain things to resolve it and I just wish she would say them but I can't force her to see it the same way I do. 

I am very withdrawn and down at the moment and I know it is getting her down as well. She keeps saying I should do CBT etc but all I want is for her to say I'm sorry, it's all OK, you don't need to worry. 

 

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