P-OCD

[Nevermind]

Hi all. Will try to keep this short. 

For 15 years now I’ve had a recurring anxiety that I am a pedophile. It is not constant in its severity. 90% of the time I can ignore it and go about my life, but at times of stress and anxiety about other things in life, it reawakens. It’s terrifying, mainly because until very recently I’ve been unwilling to accept it was OCD, despite a friend suggesting it three years ago and also a therapist pointing to it around the same time. Because your mind wants to believe the worst, accepting that this could be something other than the ‘truth’ of who I was seemed a cop out. 

So I’ve had four or five really bad periods during that time. They seem to come around once every few years, as if I can’t let myself be happy for too long. Something will trigger it, something often fairly unrelated, and bang, it’s instant. It doesn’t creep up on me. It’s like an overnight thing. Not being able to be around kids for fear that I’m looking at them, compulsive reading about pedophiles in the news to try to convince myself I’m not one of them (which only really fills my head with that murky, horrible world and makes the obsessing worse). 

I’m a teacher, well known for an excellent relationship with students and being an excellent teacher, so at worst moments I question these things that are usually said about me as compliments. “Do I go the extra mile with the kids because I have unhealthy feelings? Am I only doing this to get close to kids?” and so on. And while a big part of my head KNOWS it’s irrational, it doesn’t nothing to quell the anxiety, the rumination, the depression. 

My current situation is bad. One of my compulsions was to enter chat rooms on porn sites and trap and report men I thought were deviants and pedophiles. By doing that, I was compulsive trying to prove myself better than them and separate from them. I see now I was just increasing the anxiety. One of these characters ended up being an undercover officer and I am now subject to a police investigation. 

It looks very likely I’ll lose my job and career, which I was so good at and so effective. The last four months while I’ve been under investigation have been terrible but have provided the crisis I needed to face the demons and get the help I need. Realising it was OCD, all of it, has been liberating. Even if I do lose my job, and times will be tough as a result, this fact alone will forever be a positive and I will rebuild from here. 

I realise P-OCD is still a taboo for many people but if anyone has anything that might help, even just to know I’m not alone, I’d really appreciate it. 

Thanks all. 

[PolarBear]

No, you're not alone. Sufferers of OCD will go to crazy lengths with their compulsions, Pedophile OCD included.

I sufferered from that and other themes. I knew about OCD and spent 10 years trying to figure out if I had it. My situation culminated, like you, in a police investigation and charges against me. It was the impetus to seek help.

I wrote a book about my experience that it might help others. Even though these may be dark days for you, there is light out there. Akways walk toward it.

[Nevermind]

I read your book. It’s what led me here. It just feels crazy that when I’d never put a child at risk, and this is a known condition, that I could still lose my job. I understand I’ve been stupid, but to end my career and livelihood because of it just doesn’t sit well with me. Just don’t know how to move forwards. My partner wasn’t understanding and walked away, so I am totally reliant on my income. Not a good place to be. 

[Nevermind]

But your book was a revelation. I started reading it late one night and then thought I’d dreamt it as so much was relatable. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

I'm sorry to hear you're in this position. Ocd really does take so much. I hope that this is the beginning of better times ahead for you. Hopefully PB's story gives you hope. 

[njb]

I’m sure truth will prevail and you’ll be looking at this as a truly difficult period of your ocd but hopefully one that passes. You are not alone at all. I completely understand the lengths a sufferer goes to and with regards the distance yourself, oh yeah. That’s what compels me to research endlessly same fear of paedophilia. I imagine it is a scary place right now and for that I wish you all the best. I can’t imagine anyone considering some of the things I’ve googled and understand ocd. But we have to believe.

Njb

Edited July 8, 2019 by njb

[Nevermind]

Thank you all. Yeah, it’s not a good time. But the acceptance and realisation that this is grounded in OCD is a massive positive, whatever happens to me legally and work-wise. Just have to rebuild now. 

I am much more accepting of things now, having given up my propensity to blame everything on me. I forgive myself, so whatever happens, happens. I won’t spiral and tie myself up in rumination and negative obsessive and compulsive thought patterns again. 

It does irk me a bit though that even now, in 2019, when everyone is supposed to be so aware of and sensitive to mental health, that I can face losing my job and livelihood, as well as a career I loved, as a result of a clear pattern of obsessions and compulsions brought on by poor mental health. 

I wonder if this was 15-20 years in the future, whether I would be being treated differently. I suspect I might. 

Thank you for all the kind and supportive words. 

[dksea]

On 09/07/2019 at 01:41, PolarBear said:

I wrote a book about my experience that it might help others.

Wow, I had no idea you wrote a book about your experiences!  That must have been quite the undertaking!

[Handy]

1 hour ago, dksea said:

Wow, I had no idea you wrote a book about your experiences!  That must have been quite the undertaking!

I got it on Amazon. 

[PolarBear]

10 hours ago, dksea said:

Wow, I had no idea you wrote a book about your experiences!  That must have been quite the undertaking!

It was cathartic, dksea. My wife said something positive had to come out of our experience and I decided to write a book.

[dksea]

11 hours ago, PolarBear said:

It was cathartic, dksea. My wife said something positive had to come out of our experience and I decided to write a book.

Thats fantastic.  I feel like participating on this forum is one of the something positives that comes out of having OCD too.  Glad you are here as well!