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lily17

What is this new obsession?

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Hello everyone, it's been a while since I last been online bc I've doint better but today I'm so desperate and I need your help, I need some insight on this topic. One of my current obsessions since yesterday night is laughing at a person I really like. He has a peculiar nose, which I found weird at the beginning but I actually find a bit cute now but I've felt since yesterday that I was gonna burst out laughing at him, yesterday I found myself in tears, in real agony because I couldn't take it... I was gonna laugh. It was gonna happened and then it happened... kind of. He sent me a "sticker" via text which I found funny and I laughed at it and kept the expression on my face for a little longer while I thought of him... so what I fear, happened. And ever since yesterday, I've been hyper vigilant of my facial expressions, I keep checking if I'm laughing or even a brief smile on my face I freak out and I haven't laughed at him like really wanting it? Maybe I've been facial grimacing, doing it on purpose just for the sake of doing it to then have something to blame myself for... To accuse myself of doing something really bad like laughing at a person's face. The worst thing is that I've actually laughed at people, of course not letting them know that I was laughing but I have... and it's perfectly possible for it to happen so I don't know what the hell is this. I find peace thinking I haven't actually laughed but I keep thinking grimacing is a step away from laughing and it means I've done what I feared.

Also another thing, someone once told me it was possible to laugh in your mind. Not imagine that you're laughing or grimacing at something instead of laughing out loud... but laughing in your mind as if it was magic. This is how I do it: I say I'm gonna do it and, even though I don't do anything, just sit there with a straight face, it means I've laughed in my mind and it's so weird no one really understands what I mean, to be honest not even myself I fully understand it. It's so strange and nothing alike has ever been on my mind. The worst is that it can happen at any time and that I have done it with more people besides him but it's not real because I don't find anything funny on them people... but I feel like hell. Please, please help me. I'm really trapped.

Additional note: I've been compulsing with him a lot. I tell him everything I do all the time he tells me it's okay he knows it isn't real but I just can't shake it off.

Edited by lily17

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It's the same thing just a different theme. I'm sympathetic to your situation but your post above is incredibly detailed which suggests how much you are letting this silliness upset you and seeking reassurance - perhaps not overtly.

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1 hour ago, PhilM said:

It's the same thing just a different theme. I'm sympathetic to your situation but your post above is incredibly detailed which suggests how much you are letting this silliness upset you and seeking reassurance - perhaps not overtly.

Thank you for your response, Phil. I'm aware it's an OCD obsession but it's getting out of hand... I can feel it making me laugh inside my head and just not letting it out and I feel horrible.

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Lily it's exactly the same but different theme. You get a thought place importance on it and then carry out compulsions to reduce your anxiety. I'm not sure if you realise that you are reassurance seeking? Or that you are carrying out compulsions? These are the things you need to work on and stop it in its tracks before it gets hold. Do you know what are your compulsions and what reassurance seeking behaviours you are doing with this new theme? To work on them you need to understand what they are and why you need to change your behaviour.

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On 09/07/2019 at 23:20, lostinme said:

Lily it's exactly the same but different theme. You get a thought place importance on it and then carry out compulsions to reduce your anxiety. I'm not sure if you realise that you are reassurance seeking? Or that you are carrying out compulsions? These are the things you need to work on and stop it in its tracks before it gets hold. Do you know what are your compulsions and what reassurance seeking behaviours you are doing with this new theme? To work on them you need to understand what they are and why you need to change your behaviour.

Lost, thank you for your response. I'm aware it's a different theme of OCD but I feel so guilty after putting an evil smile on my face thinking about him, I don't recall it very well but I do recall the feeling of doing it and then feeling so remorseful... How can this happen if laughing at him is something I don't wanna do, something I fear to do...?

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3 hours ago, lily17 said:

Lost, thank you for your response. I'm aware it's a different theme of OCD but I feel so guilty after putting an evil smile on my face thinking about him, I don't recall it very well but I do recall the feeling of doing it and then feeling so remorseful... How can this happen if laughing at him is something I don't wanna do, something I fear to do...?

Lily, it's always about something we fear we might do and something we never want to do, sadly that's OCD :(

You need to understand what is your obsession to start working on it, what are your safety seeking behaviours, what compulsions are you doing, are you seeking reassurance etc. Do you know all of these? Do you understand what they are and what you are doing? To help yourself get better and move forward again you need to identify all of these and then you can start working on them one by one. To get better from OCD you need to understand what all of these are and why you do them? 

 That's why I asked you because if you need help to identify them I am willing to help you where possible to get you started:)

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17 hours ago, lostinme said:

Lily, it's always about something we fear we might do and something we never want to do, sadly that's OCD :(

You need to understand what is your obsession to start working on it, what are your safety seeking behaviours, what compulsions are you doing, are you seeking reassurance etc. Do you know all of these? Do you understand what they are and what you are doing? To help yourself get better and move forward again you need to identify all of these and then you can start working on them one by one. To get better from OCD you need to understand what all of these are and why you do them? 

 That's why I asked you because if you need help to identify them I am willing to help you where possible to get you started:)

Yes, thanks to my psychologist, now I can understand which are my compulsions (at least, better than before). For example, I think face grimacing thinking of this guy is a compulsion, because it takes me no where and keeps me stuck, though no anxiety relief happens but it is a compulsion.

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4 hours ago, lily17 said:

Yes, thanks to my psychologist, now I can understand which are my compulsions (at least, better than before). For example, I think face grimacing thinking of this guy is a compulsion, because it takes me no where and keeps me stuck, though no anxiety relief happens but it is a compulsion.

That is great and in  honestly I would go with the therapist 100% if I were you. Put his advices over all others, which makes it pretty useless to get an opinion from others.

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On 12/07/2019 at 18:24, OCDhavenobrain said:

That is great and in  honestly I would go with the therapist 100% if I were you. Put his advices over all others, which makes it pretty useless to get an opinion from others.

Not sure what you mean here? Can you explain please because it's made me feel uneasy to offer lily any advice.

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1 hour ago, lostinme said:

Not sure what you mean here? Can you explain please because it's made me feel uneasy to offer lily any advice.

I am very sorry you feel that way. However you haven't done any harm, you have no responsibilty regarding other people's recoveries.

However, I do think Lily need to follow through with her therapist. The therapist is the best thing which have happened to her OCD-recovery.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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20 hours ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

I am very sorry you feel that way. However you haven't done any harm, you have no responsibilty regarding other people's recoveries.

However, I do think Lily need to follow through with her therapist. The therapist is the best thing which have happened to her OCD-recovery.

I was hoping to offer lily a little advice regarding this new theme to nip it in the bud before it took hold so to speak, just one sufferer to another and what has helped me on my journey, different theme but still the same principles apply. I thought that this is what the forum is for to offer help, support and understanding and to offer help to others where possible? 

I understand that her therapist as helped her considerably, however a therapist isn't there 24/7  and it's at these times a little outside help can often be a godsend in an hour of need :yes: and even help her in her present situation. 

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