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Struggling with a television show


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Hi guys

Okay, brace yourself for this one. I'm feeling so stupid because I'm suffering OCD and doubt. 

I don't know how many of you are watching the new Good Omens with Michael Sheen and David Tennant but I have been watching it and enjoying it. However, I am dealing with extreme anxiety as every time I try and get involved in the fandom, I fear I'm being blasphemous and committing the unforgivable sin by pertaining to David Tennant's character as he is a fallen angel and I just can't shake off the feeling I'm doing something wrong. I know I just have to sit with the anxiety as best I can and God understands my heart but I just get so twisted up. I'm sick of getting like this all the time over my interests. I just want to enjoy myself. I'm going to a concert right now with my stepmum and I'm just not in the zone and feeling generally wound up. It feels like when I was 17 again and afraid. 

I know this sounds ridiculous; I've been discussing it with different people and I'm trying not to take it seriously. I can't bear the anxiety and just want to settle and enjoy today. 

Thanks for reading this

C x

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Hi cub

I think you are doing a few compulsions with this - a big one being where you say God understands. That is self reassurance. I think in order to beat this you need to meet ocd head on - think, OK maybe I am committing a sin, maybe God doesn't understand. Then go and do it some more. Go and talk on a fan site about it, or whatever you would want to do if this wasn't an issue. Don't try and make it better because in doing so you are making ocd worse. 

Does that make sense? X 

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Hi Ginger

That does make sense, thankyou. Exposure therapy, yes? I know compulsions don't help and I'm trying to resist them. I am doing a lot of self-reassuring about this and recognising the old mental cycles. It's really rather annoying; trying to convince myself everything is Just Fine. 

Thanks

C x

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Hi Cub.  I watched the series in three sittings. The pair are great actors. I thought it got a little bit weak in the last two episodes. Interestingly a Christian group in the US petitioned Netflix to stop its broadcast despite the fact that it is a joint Prime  Video and BBC co production. This was reported in the UK press. It is shownon Prime Video at the moment. So your reaction is not so out of step with at least some people’s reaction. I am not  aware of any petition in the UK from any religious group. I am not particularly religious so it was just fun for me. But speaking as a religious outsider it is playful rather than sinful. And yes watch it for exposure but also enjoyment.

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Hi - thanks for that! And yes, isn't it amazing? It's my go-to happy place because it's just funny. And yes, I was aware of the Christian boycott, which I thought was silly. I certainly don't wish to stop watching but my OCD's been holding me off getting more involved. I'm trying this exposure thing - one step at a time. I know it's intended as playful and it's fiction but sadly my OCD is being cowish. I feel like I'm overcomplicating things: reading the book made me very uncomfortable, you see. I guess because it's about heaven and hell - things my OCD has personally dogged me with over the years, that whole thing of 'if you have this thought you'll go to hell.' So perhaps one can consider this a relapse. I certainly don't wish to give up the show and realise there's no need; I guess I just have to do what feels comfortable. 

And thankyou, too, Ginger. I guess we can consider this an exposure exercise. 

:hug:

C x

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On 15/07/2019 at 07:28, Cub said:

I certainly don't wish to stop watching but my OCD's been holding me off getting more involved.

Well there you go then, you want to watch it and you recognize that the OCD is whats causing the problem.  Do what you want, ignore what the OCD wants, easy to say, sometimes difficult to do, but generally the right path.
 

On 15/07/2019 at 07:28, Cub said:

I certainly don't wish to give up the show and realise there's no need; I guess I just have to do what feels comfortable.

Actually, with OCD recovery you often have to do whats UNcomfortable :)  

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Haha. Good point Dksea. 

Unfortunately right now I'm not feeling great. I'm feeling really depressed and detached and feel like I don't want to be here. I don't feel safe and feel completely spaced out. I'm going in for an afternoon shift and I'm scared. 

Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I enjoy everyday things without my OCD getting involved? Why is everything a constant struggle? Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I restrain myself? Why do I feel so guilty? Why can't I stop sweating the small stuff and focus on what's important? Why am I here if all I do is worry? I feel ridiculous and like I'd be better off dead. I can't get anything right and don't deserve my life. 

C x

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Hi @Cub, Glad to share a bit of a laugh with you, sounds like you need one.
Its totally understandable to be frustrated with OCD, I've been there more than once myself, desperately jealous of those around me who seem to be handling life with such ease, enjoying things while I continue to struggle.  But keep in mind a few things.  

First, it may SEEM like everyone else is "normal", but you'd be surprised I think to find out how other people can be struggling too.  We, as humans, are quite good at hiding our troubles from each other.  You may think that person you see on the street is leading a carefree life, but maybe they have OCD too, or maybe they are dealing with some other tough situation.  Thats not to say everyone is struggling all the time and we are all just faking it, but just to be careful about judging your life compared to others too much.

Second, things may suck now, I get that, I've been there, but that doesn't mean they will always be like that.  Recovery from OCD is absolutely possible, and it would be a shame for you to give up and miss out on the future because things aren't great now.  I went through a period about 10 years ago now where simply pulling myself out of bed each day was excruciating.  Where I simply forced myself to endure and looked desperately forward to sleep each night and freedom from the anxiety.  It was one of the lowest points I've ever been with my OCD.  I couldn't have imagined then being where I am now.  My life is by no means perfect, and OCD still plays a part, but nowhere near like it did back then.  I've had some amazing experiences since then, including following my dream and moving overseas four years ago (from the USA to Japan).  I've got a great job now, good friends, and a good life.  Its not perfect, but then life never really is.  But its definitely worth living.

You absolutely don't deserve to be suffering like you do, pretty much none of us do.  OCD is awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  But you would not be better off dead, because then there is no hope for the future, you would miss out on the good parts of life too.  You absolutely deserve to live and you deserve to recover from OCD.  You have a disorder, a disorder that makes life harder than it should be, its absolutely unfair that you got it, you didn't do anything to get it, and it causes a lot of problems, problems that are not your fault. All of that sucks.  And you can't change that life put the burden of OCD on you.  But you can change the course of your life, you can do something about the OCD.  You can forgive yourself for the guilt and the worry, thats not your fault, thats OCD.  Hang in there and remember that you matter, your future matters, and there is always, always hope.

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Thankyou DKSea and thankyou Ginger. You've been very kind to say such things.

Unfortunately it's not all been good; I broke down in tears at work on Wednesday and spiralled into a depression as I've been feeling like a loser and a failure and that I'm alone. I know I'm not, not really, but I ended up taking first one day off work and then another. I feel the second day was a mistake because of course I started to worry about what I'd done and I ended up in my own company, which made my anxiety worse. I spent today trying to be normal but the truth is, my head's all over the place and I've been very shaken. I'm due back at work in the morning and I'm up on my laptop, doing some writing because I can't sleep. I feel like such a saddo and feel like I did this to myself. I'm due to meet my family tomorrow but I don't know if I can hack it; if I should call it off and spend the day resting. The last week has just been difficult mentally and yet if my family knew I'd taken time off for my mental health, they'd be furious. The only person who knows is my best friend and I don't want to lean on her too much as it's not fair. I just wish I'd been stronger the past couple of days. 

Sorry to sound so pathetic; thankyou for being here with me through this.

C x

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi Ginger

My apologies for falling away for a while, just been taking some time to sort myself out. I currently don't have any professional therapy, but have had in the past and am trying to apply what I've learned and what they've taught me to how I'm feeling now. :)

Thanks for checking in,

C x

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