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My life is falling apart, Im being tortured by ocd among other things


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Im in a deep depression my mother wants me to leave the house im trying to hold a job down, miles away and commuting, shes unhappy with this and that - my ocd is taking over, my mothers pretty much vacant in terms of sympathy.

Im in loops of thinking ive done things and when i ruminate it spikes me further and then i think because i chose to ruminate, im guilty of possibly somehow doing something subconsciously because it was a choice to ruminate, can anyone help please.

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i spent pretty much the whole weeks compulsions, which lead to more compulsions and lead to just believing i did something wrong now, because i thought about it tahat much i think i must have mistakenly typed something in - which is great....

you cant win - i just wish i could stop playing now im really worried becaus ei checked so much and was thinking about it so much i think i might ahve some how done it while checking - like because its about typing something bad, so i was thinkingabout it so much in my brain to check and compulse i could have typed it automatically and done it, without thinking.

 

:( FML

Edited by humbleno1
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3 hours ago, humbleno1 said:

you cant win - i just wish i could stop playing now

This is true, if you play OCD's game you can't win.  But you CAN stop playing OCD's game.  

For example:

3 hours ago, humbleno1 said:

i think i might ahve some how done it while checking - like because its about typing something bad, so i was thinkingabout it so much in my brain to check and compulse i could have typed it automatically and done it, without thinking.

Ok, so you are checking (playing OCD's game) and its not helping?  So stop checking.  Easy to say, harder to do I know, but you have to take that harder path if you want to get better.
Also, you need to start reframing your thinking.  Maybe you did type something "bad" automatically, without thinking.  So what?  Its not the end of the world to type something "bad".  What if someone finds out and you get in trouble?  So what?  It happens, people get in trouble.  Still not the end of the world.  You could go down an endless spiral of "what if's" about your worry, you probably are.  It won't change anything, it won't undo whatever it is you are afraid you did but probably didn't.  Ruminating solves nothing.  

If you want to get better you need to accept that you will have these worrisome thoughts pop in to your head, that they will be uncomfortable, that you will want to make them go away, but ultimately you don't have to do ANYTHING about them.  A thought is just a thought.  You choose how you act.  Right now you have to choose to act inspite of what the OCD says.  You have to act differently inspite of the fact you feel anxiety and worry.  One hour at a time, one day at a time, you have to choose to not play OCD's game.  Because if you do play, if you give in to compulsions like rumination and checking, it will only get worse.  You might feel brief temporary relief, but its at the cost of long term relief.  Its like trading one minute of happiness now for one day of misery later.  Its not worth it.  But you have to choose differently.

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thank you for the responses - i appreciate them. trying hard at this point not to ritualize, but its so trapping even thinking about not thinking about it spikes me, its coming at me from all angles, im sorry for being such a burden i am a burden on society.

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Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time :(

I know it can be so hard when it just seems endless and we don't feel we have the energy to resist the compulsions.

You mention depression--are you on any meds? That seemed to help me out of a few ruts when I just couldn't seem to not do the compulsions. I find working on OCD is much easier if not exhausted or drained. So be sure to take care of sleep, good eating etc too.

dksea's right, of course, that the only way out of OCD clutches is to really stop doing compulsions. You getting any therapy to help you with CBT?

I know it can seem endless, but I'm surprised how much progress can be made once things are put into place. I'm struggling too right now so I'm not saying it's super easy or anything, but just trying to say that there is hope and you can do this! :) 

Take care

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