setback

[leif]

Not doing very well . I was improving for a while, but now I just seem to be back to getting daily wallops of OCD around various things. I was feeling inspired after reading one of Ashley's posts about exposures, and I seemed to get a bit of momentum and went ahead and used public toilets a couple of times.That felt good but then the last week I just seem to be getting major OCD attacks over random things when I'm not expecting it.

They are all to do with contamination but just all different sources. I hate that I often don't know where it's going to come from. I seem to be able to live better with the OCD when i know where it's going to hit me, so i can either avoid it, or face an exposure when i'm feeling up for it. But not knowing when/where its going to attack, leaves me feeling on edge.

I just feel so down about it.  Am trying to just keep riding it out, but I do notice that I often just feel i don't have the energy to ride it out and will seek reassurance instead. And of course then the reassurance often doesn't work right off so i seek more. i can see what I am doing wrong (all the compulsions) but it just has me in its grasp and it's just too gross to sit with the horrible anxious feeling. 

Anyways I've noticed in the past that it can be helpful for me to just write about it here, so I'm back...

 

[leif]

Just been reading through others' posts, gleaning advice...found some really good stuff that i can apply to my own situation.

Just had a thought that maybe before where i was containing my fears more to specific areas ie other toilets, and then challenged that fear by using public ones, that maybe it set my OCD into a frenzied panic looking for something else to latch onto--to regain a sense of control/order in the world....or maybe it opened up that fear that anything can happen at anytime and by stopping some of my safety avoidance techniques, it brings that panic more to the surface.

So i guess the question keeps coming back for me on how to deal with the very real uncertainty of life...

[paradoxer]

Try to remember that you do deal with 'the very real uncertainty of life' - perhaps as well as, or maybe better than some people without the disorder, if it's not part of your OCD focus. If you can do it for some things, you can (have the potential to) do it for others. 

[malina]

Hey Leif,

I think you're doing great and should be proud of yourself for all your work! You're really trying, even if the odd compulsion comes up every now and again. I feel like there are different steps in ERP that we can take. For example, you start with small steps and gradually expose yourself to more challenging triggers. I think the next step is learning to cope with the random triggers that appear in everyday life. It's only natural that you cope better when a trigger is expected because you can prepare yourself. Rather than seeing your reactions to these random triggers as a setback, you should view them as the next challenge. It's okay that you're not able to deal well with them yet, you're just not at that step. Maybe you should start keeping track of these random triggers and how you respond, note when you're successful and what you did well and also where you struggled and did compulsions. My therapist has been encouraging me to analyse my anxiety (like how does it feel physically, what am I thinking etc) and encourages me to raise my anxiety when I can. So when my anxiety is high, I try to view it as a learning opportunity rather than a setback or something bad and that has really helped me cope. Anyway, I hope you're doing well, hang in there!! 

[Carooba Manooba]

Hi leif.  Goid stuff on using public toilets. You mentioned you are now getting various other challenges. Would you say overall you are getting more spikes (intrusive thoughts) but spending less time on compulsions?

If yes, then that is a good sign. The brain is resistant to change. So when you attempt to change like you are confronting your fears of public toilets then your brain starts throwing out all kind of stuff at you to try and suck u back into giving in like previously. You will get an initial increase in spikes, but as you ignore them / deal with them properly, they will fade away. 

[Gemma7]

Hi leif

Well done on all your hard work so far. I've been doing exposures and CBT for a long time and it's perfectly normal to stumble across new problems when challenging others. Look at it like this, if you hadn't started challenging OCD you wouldn't have the fuller picture you have now. Everything that happens can help us learn and make us more resilient in the future. 

If i were you I'd look at targeting underlying beliefs. That's because sometimes with exposures you challenge a situation but leave your belief unchanged. For example, if you believe that you are vulnerable to illness and your previous solution was to avoid toilets, you can see that once you get used to toilets, you still leave yourself open to worries about being vulnerable elsewhere. 

Same goes for control, if you believe you must control things, then it's potentially easy to overcome the toilet avoidance while supplementing this with controlling elsewhere. Does that make any sense? 

[leif]

Thanks so much for your support and advice everyone. So much appreciated!

9 hours ago, paradoxer said:

Try to remember that you do deal with 'the very real uncertainty of life' - perhaps as well as, or maybe better than some people without the disorder, if it's not part of your OCD focus. If you can do it for some things, you can (have the potential to) do it for others. 

Well i wonder if I do...like i think that I cant really cope with the general uncertainty in a productive way and so i narrow my fears onto one subject that i can control (like contamination or checking) However once i try and stop the compulsions/avoidance, it really seems to bring the uncertainty of life to the surface and i feel I can't handle it. I think my OCD just gives me a sense of control and order in a world where there really is very little control, so when i try to let it go it feels really scary.

6 hours ago, malina said:

I think the next step is learning to cope with the random triggers that appear in everyday life. It's only natural that you cope better when a trigger is expected because you can prepare yourself.

Good point malina...yes this seems to be my ongoing next big challenge. I find too that a lot of my present triggers aren't even around anything  that i can even claim to be that real. It's like if nothing real comes up , my brain just chooses any random thing to focus in on. That's frustrating because i feel even more vulnerable as it's like my brain is insisting on obsessing and even my normal day-to-day activities are becoming random triggers.

 

6 hours ago, malina said:

Rather than seeing your reactions to these random triggers as a setback, you should view them as the next challenge.

Yes will try to shift perspective on this that this is the next challenge rather than another setback. Thanks!

7 hours ago, malina said:

Maybe you should start keeping track of these random triggers and how you respond, note when you're successful and what you did well and also where you struggled and did compulsions. My therapist has been encouraging me to analyse my anxiety (like how does it feel physically, what am I thinking etc) and encourages me to raise my anxiety when I can. So when my anxiety is high, I try to view it as a learning opportunity rather than a setback or something bad and that has really helped me cope. Anyway, I hope you're doing well, hang in there!! 

Thanks yes will try and do that. I do notice I'm way more likely to do compulsions when i am tired as i just don't feel it in me to sit with the anxiety. But yes will try to take more note of my reactions to the various triggers. Thanks as always for your great insights and support!

6 hours ago, Carooba Manooba said:

Hi leif.  Goid stuff on using public toilets. You mentioned you are now getting various other challenges. Would you say overall you are getting more spikes (intrusive thoughts) but spending less time on compulsions?

If yes, then that is a good sign. The brain is resistant to change. So when you attempt to change like you are confronting your fears of public toilets then your brain starts throwing out all kind of stuff at you to try and suck u back into giving in like previously. You will get an initial increase in spikes, but as you ignore them / deal with them properly, they will fade away. 

I think yes--more spikes, more anxiety, less compulsions. I hope that is a good sign as you figure! That would be encouraging. I don't really like the lack of control it leaves me though. But you give me hope that maybe if i can try to just keep moving through the spikes, that maybe they will lessen. Thanks for your encouragement!

10 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

Hi leif

Well done on all your hard work so far. I've been doing exposures and CBT for a long time and it's perfectly normal to stumble across new problems when challenging others. Look at it like this, if you hadn't started challenging OCD you wouldn't have the fuller picture you have now. Everything that happens can help us learn and make us more resilient in the future. 

If i were you I'd look at targeting underlying beliefs. That's because sometimes with exposures you challenge a situation but leave your belief unchanged. For example, if you believe that you are vulnerable to illness and your previous solution was to avoid toilets, you can see that once you get used to toilets, you still leave yourself open to worries about being vulnerable elsewhere. 

Same goes for control, if you believe you must control things, then it's potentially easy to overcome the toilet avoidance while supplementing this with controlling elsewhere. Does that make any sense? 

 

Thanks Gemma--i often note your advice on this forum and find you to be really insightful and helpful. I think you are right about the underlying beliefs and have been wanting to work on that for a while, but just can't seem to make any progress on it. Like the one i have around uncertainty. I can see that i have a big fear around the randomness of life and our lack of control. I can see that i am trying to make myself feel safer by narrowing my fears into these smaller areas where i feel like i am having some control, all the while knowing, really, that it isn't really giving me any more safety. So I just don't know how to open to that fear of uncertainty. 

Other underlying beliefs/fears i see are--I am incompetent/ likely to do things wrong. Even when i can see/take note of the opposite, my fear seems to be based in a sense that while others know what to do/how to do things, I don't and i will mess things up.

Do you have any insights on how to work with those beliefs?

[malina]

4 hours ago, leif said:

It's like if nothing real comes up , my brain just chooses any random thing to focus in on.

I think this happens to a lot of us, I had a conversation about this with my therapist too. I think that it just takes time and practice. Your brain can't change itself instantly, it takes a while for it to sink in. So in the absence of triggers, your mind just looks for something to keep itself busy with. Eventually, the goal is to learn to apply the same techniques to all these different fears because they ultimately all have the same root. You seem to be on the right track though, keep it up and you'll see that it will pay off!!

[Carooba Manooba]

Leif, re being tired , that is unfortunately part of recovery. The effort you put in to letting go and not doing compulsions is tiring. Recovery doesn't happen in a straight line. I used to have days of energy and days of exhaustion.  It's extra difficult  like u mentioned on the days you are tired to keep at it. Recovery is more like 2 steps forward one step back. Although at times it can feel like 2 steps forward 1.9 steps back. Rather than looking at your progress on a daily scale, it's better to judge your recovery over a longer period. Providing your getting better overall, then keep at it. There will be ups and downs during the period.  Learning to rest and look after yourself in your every day life is super  important to give you as much energy as u can. 

[Handy]

Once you don’t do your compulsions you’ll feel an emptiness be sure to have something to feel it in. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

6 minutes ago, Handy said:

Once you don’t do your compulsions you’ll feel an emptiness be sure to have something to feel it in. 

Thisbis very true! And a reason I myself have gone back many times.

[Gemma7]

7 hours ago, leif said:

Thanks Gemma--i often note your advice on this forum and find you to be really insightful and helpful.

Thanks that's really nice of you

Have you read Break free from OCD? That's a good place to start, it explains ways of targeting beliefs and also talks about tolerating uncertainty. 

Uncertainty really is just like any other feeling involved in OCD. The reason you feel it is because you look out for where uncertainty lies and try to make everything more certain. (It's possible that when OCD started uncertainty came all of a sudden in the form of an intrusive thought or through some life event too, focusing your mind to it) Non-sufferers don't do this and therefore don't feel crippling uncertainty all of the time, despite them living with all of life's uncertainties. So what you do makes you more sensitive to uncertainty. Your problem isn't the fact that the world is random and unpredictable, your problem is that you focus on it's randomness and try to make it less uncertain, it's that that builds the fear of uncertainty. In therapy you might look at what the benefits are of not staying safe and controlling things, what do you get? This is often in the form of goals. You would also challenge the behaviours you do to make you feel more sure of things and examine whether or not the behaviours actually do make you feel more certain in the long run or if instead they focus your mind to where in life there is uncertainty. Remember, that when you ask for reassurance from a loved one, the reason that they are more confident and less anxious is because they don't do any safety behaviours that build an acute awareness of uncertainty. 

8 hours ago, leif said:

Other underlying beliefs/fears i see are--I am incompetent/ likely to do things wrong. Even when i can see/take note of the opposite, my fear seems to be based in a sense that while others know what to do/how to do things, I don't and i will mess things up.

This also relates to uncertainty. If you feel incompetent you will feel the need to do more than is necessary and to make sure (get certainty) that things are going to be ok. Again you would challenge the belief by looking at what behaviours you do to overcompensate for feeling incompetent. Do they make you feel more or less competent? Is it possible that you are competent and are just worried that you aren't? That would mean that your belief in your incompetence comes from the fact that you act as if you are. 

Why is it you think others know what to do but you don't? That must be a conclusion that you've drawn from somewhere. Do you think it's a fair assessment of your abilities without bias? 

Sorry if that's more questions than answers for you it's just this stuff is really complicated and really unique to the individual. Hopefully there's stuff in there for you to think about

[leif]

Thanks so much everyone. I find this all so helpful and really appreciate the thoughtfulness of the responses! It's so nice to have people to talk to about this who get it from the inside. I have no therapist at the moment so its really great to have people to sort some of this out with!

20 hours ago, malina said:

Eventually, the goal is to learn to apply the same techniques to all these different fears because they ultimately all have the same root.

Yes good point. I will try to keep that in mind. I'm really bad at being able to react to new triggers in the moment. It's like I need time to analyze them to try and assess whether its reasonable or not and because i don't always have that time i end up doing a compulsion around it. Once I can see I'm in a pattern of reaction I can more easily tackle it with CBT techniques (like noticing that every time i see something red, assuming its blood) I will try to start working on letting new triggers just do their thing without compulsions or analyzing....that will be a tough one!

18 hours ago, Carooba Manooba said:

Recovery is more like 2 steps forward one step back. Although at times it can feel like 2 steps forward 1.9 steps back. Rather than looking at your progress on a daily scale, it's better to judge your recovery over a longer period.

Very true--i will try to keep that in mind. I get so discouraged when I seem to be on a good track and then things start going backward! But yes maybe I need to keep the longer term picture in mind! Thanks  

16 hours ago, Handy said:

Once you don’t do your compulsions you’ll feel an emptiness be sure to have something to feel it in. 

That's true...most of the time I do have other stuff I can do, but when I get tired, I am too tired to do anything else and that's when the anxiety really gets going!

15 hours ago, Gemma7 said:

So what you do makes you more sensitive to uncertainty. Your problem isn't the fact that the world is random and unpredictable, your problem is that you focus on it's randomness and try to make it less uncertain, it's that that builds the fear of uncertainty.

Great insight. I never thought of it that way. I could see how my compulsions would make me feel less certain around a particular theme, but never really realized its actually continually reinforcing the general fear/focus of uncertainty.

I haven't read Break Free from OCD, maybe I will get it. I do use another workbook that sounds similar though. So far I have found most exercises based mostly on how to accept the uncertainty around a particular theme, which I could get some success doing, but then it would just switch themes. That's where i was looking at how do I accept just the big general uncertainty...how do I cope with the idea that anything can happen at any time? Maybe this points more to my belief that "I won't be able to handle it" and need to work on that more. I know that when my ocd gets going it is the thought of being at fault for bringing harm to someone because of my negligence or ignorance that really feeds it. 

15 hours ago, Gemma7 said:

Is it possible that you are competent and are just worried that you aren't? That would mean that your belief in your incompetence comes from the fact that you act as if you are. 

Why is it you think others know what to do but you don't? That must be a conclusion that you've drawn from somewhere. Do you think it's a fair assessment of your abilities without bias? 

Yes i think you are right. Intellectually I actually do believe that I am as competent as most. Some things I am good at, some I am not. I think I have a pretty realistic understanding of my abilities. But at the same time there has always been a strong self doubt in me that is constantly seeing others as being more competent and me being utterly incompetent. I've had this my whole life and its always held me back some, but now with the ocd that belief is magnified and it becomes debilitating. And it seems no matter what I do in my life that proves that I am competent, this belief stays. So maybe I need to just accept that belief and do things anyhow? Kind of like accepting  the idea that something might be contaminated, or a stove has been left on and not doing compulsions around that?

16 hours ago, Gemma7 said:

Sorry if that's more questions than answers for you it's just this stuff is really complicated and really unique to the individual. Hopefully there's stuff in there for you to think about

Yes that's really great Gemma--thanks for all those soul searching questions. Its so helpful!