Jump to content

Does this make sense?


Recommended Posts

Just an example of how ocd affects me. 

I'm doing something normal... Then the intrusive thought comes in.... 

I either freak out and freeze or...

I say no come on its ocd and I try and prove it wrong...

But whatever I do it says - you just did this...or that...and then says well why did you make that movement, were you acting on it, what does this mean etc.

Then I think why didn't I just freeze and block the thought, what was I trying to do, then it spirals and I believe I acted on the thought in that moment.

So if I freeze I'm trapped and if I try to be normal it says I'm evil. It makes me analyse every single movement and says its all acting on the thought and why would a good person do that. 

I just felt it moments ago with something else,  I can't even remember what, but I felt like in that moment I was wondering why I was responding in the way I did.

It sees something tiny as a horrible test. Then I have all this niggling doubt.. Have I done wrong, have I remembered it correctly.

It's like a big ball of confusing doubt. 

I see how quickly I can go from being relaxed to being totally confused by a thought and within moments I'm suddenly analysing what I've done in a single moment. 

It comes out of the blue, no warning. 

Unfortunately the time it got me all those years back has stuck in my head and been a constant rumination for years that changes so much. 

My ocd in that moment was around the fear of...."speaking a thought under my breath and not knowing I'd said it"

So I'm minding my own business, this horrible thought comes in, I try to cancel it out and say the opposite, which in turn triggered this whole thing of "what if I spoke it under my breath" and so on, until I came face to face with it, is it possible to speak, testing to see if it was, then worrying why I was testing, trying to fight it and not run away, then analysing everything I'd done...down to the tiniest of motions. 

It's like I get the thought is it possible to speak when breathing, I automatically test to see, I realise what is happening and panic a little, I see sense and tell the ocd to go away and that im doing nothing wrong, OCD doesn't like this so it tries another angle...what if you spoke half of it, I feel on edge once more, I say no! But then find myself moving my mouth again, I panic, I replay it, no its fine, I walk away from it... I avoid it and distract myself and BOOM the first sign of breath that I haven't monitored and I fear I've made a mistake and I'm evil and it's all my fault.

 

Link to comment

I mean at the time, during an episode 

I find it starts, I try to remain normal, try to not shy away 

Ie - ocd is saying what if you said it

And I respond with no I won't, and I try to show it I won't, as a way of showing it I'm boss but it's like a test 

Then this leads to analysing it and doubt

So I find either way is bad, if I try and block or suppress it I am under its ball and chain kind of thing, still under its control, but if I try to challenge it I am left thinking now why did I do that? Why did I see if I would say it? And the whole thing turns into a guilty self hate thing 

I dunno like someone having the thought "what if I stabbedd someone with this knife" 

And they pick it up to see

Then have immense guilt cos they put theirself at risk 

Link to comment

You need to stop knee jerk reacting to all these thoughts and start looking at applying CBT techniques. 

4 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I dunno like someone having the thought "what if I stabbedd someone with this knife" 

And they pick it up to see

Then have immense guilt cos they put theirself at risk 

The beginning of this is completely fine. Having a thought means nothing, no matter what thought, it's just a thought. Picking up a knife is fine too, people do this often as part of therapy, in fact that type of exposure is mentioned in Pulling the trigger by Adam Shaw if I'm remembering correctly. It's the end that is the problem. Picking up a knife in reaction to a thought, might be saying get lost to OCD, but because there is no planning, no structure, no understanding of what you are doing, it's just leading to other feelings that are complicating the issue. You can't challenge OCD in that way, it needs to be thought through carefully first. 

Link to comment
5 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I mean at the time, during an episode 

I find it starts, I try to remain normal, try to not shy away 

Ie - ocd is saying what if you said it

And I respond with no I won't, and I try to show it I won't, as a way of showing it I'm boss but it's like a test 

 

But this is the problem, in trying to show OCD that you're the boss, you're still giving it so much relevance and your mind can't turn away from it. You can't approach it like some fight where you have to win, it's more about understanding that the threat from these thoughts isn't important and learning to live your life alongside them. The problem is that you are still giving so much significance to this phrase. I understand why you do, because you are religious and this is part of your belief. However, you have to try and see that it is just a sentence and that saying something doesn't matter. This is why your therapist was telling you that you need to say this phrase as part of your exposure, you need to say it until it loses its relevance.  

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
On 18/07/2019 at 15:24, Gemma7 said:

You need to stop knee jerk reacting to all these thoughts and start looking at applying CBT techniques. 

The beginning of this is completely fine. Having a thought means nothing, no matter what thought, it's just a thought. Picking up a knife is fine too, people do this often as part of therapy, in fact that type of exposure is mentioned in Pulling the trigger by Adam Shaw if I'm remembering correctly. It's the end that is the problem. Picking up a knife in reaction to a thought, might be saying get lost to OCD, but because there is no planning, no structure, no understanding of what you are doing, it's just leading to other feelings that are complicating the issue. You can't challenge OCD in that way, it needs to be thought through carefully first. 

Hi so do you think it's common that people jump in with none thought out exposures and cause their self a mess like me? I had no plans of this it all just happened in that moment, I was planning on doing anything I just had these thoughts firing and my option was to run or stay so I tried to stay. 

Link to comment
13 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Hi so do you think it's common that people jump in with none thought out exposures and cause their self a mess like me? I had no plans of this it all just happened in that moment, I was planning on doing anything I just had these thoughts firing and my option was to run or stay so I tried to stay. 

Yes very common :)

Link to comment

I just can't stop thinking about it and wondering why. I had no intentions of doing any of it, and that's why even now I'm still so confused because it was never my choice. 

It's just not knowing exactly what I was thinking and the reason for it at the time that drives me mad. 

All of a sudden with no prep I found myself standing up to it.. Which normally isn't what I do, I'm forever running, cancelling out etc. 

This time I felt it urging me and I said look.. I won't do it... But in proving that I wouldn't I now feel like it was me trying to do it! I don't know why I risked it! 

I don't know, all I can think is I was trying to show the ocd I had control, in that moment. Instead of it. 

I made a decision in a split second to react that way, which I now feel awful over. 

I felt this sense of "that'll never happen to me I've finally won" 

Didn't last more than a few moments ?

Link to comment
On 18/07/2019 at 21:08, malina said:

But this is the problem, in trying to show OCD that you're the boss, you're still giving it so much relevance and your mind can't turn away from it. You can't approach it like some fight where you have to win, it's more about understanding that the threat from these thoughts isn't important and learning to live your life alongside them. The problem is that you are still giving so much significance to this phrase. I understand why you do, because you are religious and this is part of your belief. However, you have to try and see that it is just a sentence and that saying something doesn't matter. This is why your therapist was telling you that you need to say this phrase as part of your exposure, you need to say it until it loses its relevance.  

It's based on the line 

"anyone who speaks against the spirit will never be forgiven" 

So it's put a literal fear on it for me, I had bad thoughts which then turned to thoughts about speaking under a breath and so on. 

I didn't want to think or say it but the obsession is always there and taunting me. 

I'm not well up on religion, I don't know a lot, I believe but I am not someone who knows it all. 

A very religious friend said this thought out loud TWICE whilst I shuddered, and she said its because I'm ill that I'm worried. 

She isn't worried, Mum isn't either she said it. 

But I always think what if... 

Link to comment

Of course it feels resl. It's happening in your mind, where all other real thoughts and emotions are generated.

And yet, it's all fake. It's all a big lie. You've spent years going over this in your mind for nothing. All that mind work has truly been pointless.

Link to comment
7 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

It's just an absolute nightmare of an illness.. In that it doesn't let you see its illness.... So it feels real and so so bad. 

It’s a disorder.  A disorder is defined as ‘abnormal.’  Which also implies there is a normal range & there is a normal range of anxiety as anxiety is necessary for survival. 

Link to comment
16 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

It's just an absolute nightmare of an illness.. In that it doesn't let you see its illness.... So it feels real and so so bad. 

I agree, OCD can be a nightmare. But you're more damned if you continue to yield to its call.  

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...