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Hi 

I'm really scared to write this but I've hit such a low and i'm really struggling. My POCD is the worst it's ever been. I am TERRIFIED about what is going on in my head. I have these constant horrible images and thoughts. The main one being, I hate typing this, that i want to molest young boys. It is so so horrible but my OCD is making me feel like it's something I want to do. I don't even know how to get away from it anymore, I used to be able to distract myself but it's always there in my mind and the only freedom I get is when I go to sleep! I feel so guilty all the time and like a fraud in my family and if my parents knew what was going on in my head they would hate me. It's like I know how horrible and awful it is and that I don't ever want to harm a child, yet my OCD just won't let me see that that is the case, and still is trying to convince me it's something i want to do. I don't want to be a monster at all!! I don't want to hurt anyone, let alone children. I am constantly on edge whenever I am around them and mentally assessing how I am acting/if I'm looking at them a certain way, but even that provides no relief because I get all anxious and have no idea how I feel. I'm so frustrated and upset even more so because this time last year I was completely different and thought I knew how to deal with it. Now it feels like I'm back at square one and I just don't know what to do. I'm scared about who i am or who i'm becoming. I am attracted to men my own age (i'm a 23 year old girl) so why am I having these thoughts? And how can i drown them out? Please if anyone can offer any advice or support it would be much appreciated, I've hit a complete low and have no-one to talk to. Thanks, J x

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Hi J :)

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much, you sound so upset with it all. We have all been there :hug:

3 hours ago, jlmdfem said:

why am I having these thoughts?

The short answer? Because you really really don't want to have them and because.... 

 

3 hours ago, jlmdfem said:

And how can i drown them out?

... I imagine you are actively trying to drown them out. You have OCD, it won't work. What behaviours either in your mind or physically are you doing? This is the first place to start. 

And are you getting therapy at the moment? :)

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J, try to see that OCD is the real fraud here. It's just the disorder doing its inane thing. The thoughts are nothing ... irrelevant. As one therapist observed (OCD) 'content is trash'. Everyone has unwanted or meaningless thoughts, it's just how the brain works - but when OCD latches onto to them, they stick. Try to work on being less 'terrified' of the thoughts (OCD loves fear,) and, if you want them less, try to care less. Treat them with disregard. 

 

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23 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

Hi J :)

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much, you sound so upset with it all. We have all been there :hug:

The short answer? Because you really really don't want to have them and because.... 

 

... I imagine you are actively trying to drown them out. You have OCD, it won't work. What behaviours either in your mind or physically are you doing? This is the first place to start. 

And are you getting therapy at the moment? :)

Hi Gemma

Thank you so much for your response. 

You are right in that I really don't want to have them and I really don't want to be what they're telling me I am!

I have tried mindfulness a few times but have never been able to stick with it, I will give it another go. I am training for a half marathon at the moment, that I'm actually running for in aid of OCD-UK and raising money for the charity, so I am running almost everyday, I'm very into my exercise and fitness. But even when i'm running they don't leave me alone. I guess it's because I feel as though i need to get to the bottom of them, I am like this with everything in life I can never just let things be. I'm not getting therapy at the moment unfortunately, I was hoping the thoughts would fade sooner than they have and I wouldn't need it. I recently have returned from travelling for 5 weeks so stopped my therapy before I went away and since coming home my OCD has definitely gotten worse - i think because I'm very stressed about what I'm doing with my life.

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8 minutes ago, paradoxer said:

J, try to see that OCD is the real fraud here. It's just the disorder doing its inane thing. The thoughts are nothing ... irrelevant. As one therapist observed (OCD) 'content is trash'. Everyone has unwanted or meaningless thoughts, it's just how the brain works - but when OCD latches onto to them, they stick. Try to work on being less 'terrified' of the thoughts (OCD loves fear,) and, if you want them less, try to care less. Treat them with disregard. 

 

Hi

Thank you so much for your response. I will continue to try and care less and treat them with disregard. I really appreciate your reply, I was feeling very low earlier.

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Wow that's amazing that's you're training for a half-marathon and for OCD-UK too :clapping:

Mindfulness isn't the go to therapy for OCD so I'd recommend focusing your attention on CBT the most, but by all means practise mindfulness as well. I would guess that your compulsions have gone up recently and that's why you've had an upturn in thoughts. Trying to get to the bottom of them, is rumination, do you also block out thoughts, ask for reassurance, avoid people or places, think back to check and make sure of something? All of those are common compulsions that will increase the frequency of the thoughts and increase the strength of the emotions they bring on. 

I recommend looking into getting therapy, having someone to talk to and someone who is on your side supporting you can really make the difference when fighting OCD. In the mean time have you got some self-help materials? Break free from OCD is a self-help book that is a great place to start. It has exercises for you to do and will take you through how to start tackling your problem. 

Remember thoughts are just thoughts, they don't say anything about you as a person, that's just a trick OCD plays to get you stuck. 

Don't forget we can support you too when you need a nudge in the right direction :)

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23 hours ago, Gemma7 said:

Wow that's amazing that's you're training for a half-marathon and for OCD-UK too :clapping:

Mindfulness isn't the go to therapy for OCD so I'd recommend focusing your attention on CBT the most, but by all means practise mindfulness as well. I would guess that your compulsions have gone up recently and that's why you've had an upturn in thoughts. Trying to get to the bottom of them, is rumination, do you also block out thoughts, ask for reassurance, avoid people or places, think back to check and make sure of something? All of those are common compulsions that will increase the frequency of the thoughts and increase the strength of the emotions they bring on. 

I recommend looking into getting therapy, having someone to talk to and someone who is on your side supporting you can really make the difference when fighting OCD. In the mean time have you got some self-help materials? Break free from OCD is a self-help book that is a great place to start. It has exercises for you to do and will take you through how to start tackling your problem. 

Remember thoughts are just thoughts, they don't say anything about you as a person, that's just a trick OCD plays to get you stuck. 

Don't forget we can support you too when you need a nudge in the right direction :)

Thank you! I really wanted to give something back, as well as push myself!

I need to go back to my therapist and as soon as I get paid from my new job I will. 

I try to block out thoughts, i guess coming on here for reassurance is something I do a lot as well but I am too scared to talk to my parents about it which makes me feel more guilty. Sometimes if I run past a family or group of children i will cross the road and I definitely am thinking back to situations when I was younger or even checking if I'd done anything that day i.e. look at a child in a certain way. Today 2 teenaged boys walked past my car and I looked at them for a few seconds to try and figure out if I was attracted to them, then realised what I was doing and was like how could i do that?! And of course I knew I wasn't attracted to them but yet I felt so guilty for looking at them to check. The guilt and the shame are destroying me. 

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