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This week has been rough. I've been trying to help out the best I can with my family. I was looking through old family photos from before I was born and I just couldn't stop crying. Even pictures of a river made me cry. I don't understand (this sounds so stupid). It's stupid because it takes one silly photograph to set me off and someone in my family died and I couldn't shed a tear. I cry whenever I see things from the past it's not a good nostalgic thing like everyone else; I get really upset and I don't know why. I've been like that for the past few years and then I think why? And I then think because I'm psychologically damaged in some way. I feel as though I don't remember a lot of my life and I feel so negative and everyone thinks I'm weird and I feel as though I don't have happy memories and nothing I think or feel is genuine or reality. It's been proven many times to be honest. 

This along with everything else that has happened in my life has just made me lose faith completely in everything. I see no spark of hope at all. I can see the good in someone else's life; just not my own. I know every single person in the world has a lot of hard times but I just see life as being completely cruel.  Yet, everyone else I speak to feels fine because they tell me; they all have good things and I don't (again that's dramatic and i shouldn't be saying that) but I keep failing at everything, I feel like I don't know myself and I just can't deal with the future. It sets me off when people go 'you struggle in order to see the good side' or 'everything happens for a reason.' I know logically none of those statements make sense, but at the same time they make me feel like why don't I have the happy ideal that everyone else around me has? Again, that's not exactly true because everyone goes through hard times. I don't deserve those happy things anyway because I'm selfish and awful but still why do I have to continuously struggle and feel awful at all times? 

I've also been having really bad dreams relating to these 'thoughts' and it's just been too much. I also get anxious whenever I see content related to these things it feels like I want to do these things. I also still get these reactions that I'm just...I don't even know.

All of this happening has just made me lose complete faith in everything. People think I'm weird for being so down but it's realistic at this point. The world is an awful place from where I stand and I don't see that changing. 

Edited by don't know

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First, I am sorry that you are continuing to suffer, despite what you say in your post you DO deserve happy things.  
 

2 hours ago, don't know said:

This along with everything else that has happened in my life has just made me lose faith completely in everything. I see no spark of hope at all. I can see the good in someone else's life; just not my own. I know every single person in the world has a lot of hard times but I just see life as being completely cruel.  Yet, everyone else I speak to feels fine because they tell me; they all have good things and I don't (again that's dramatic and i shouldn't be saying that) but I keep failing at everything, I feel like I don't know myself and I just can't deal with the future

Its totally fair and reasonable to be struggling, to have trouble seeing hope.  But that doesn't mean there IS no hope, that things can't or won't get better.  There are people who can help you, people who work with those going through difficult times, dealing with mental illness, etc.  I know we've told you this before, but you really really really should see a professional therapist and/or psychiatrist about the struggles you are having.  I know you have had some negative experiences in the past, so you have some well earned skepticism, but just because the previous therapist wasn't a good one or a good fit for you at least, doesn't mean a different person won't be much better.  Given how much you are struggling right now, doesn't it make sense to take a chance to try and find that hope?  You know that its possible for people to be happy, you see others around you and they tell you they are happy, that means its possible for you too.
 

2 hours ago, don't know said:

It sets me off when people go 'you struggle in order to see the good side' or 'everything happens for a reason.'

I'm not a huge fan of these type of statements either.  Even if they are true (which I have some doubts) it doesn't mean you aren't hurting NOW, that the suffering you are dealing with now isn't hard.  I wish people would stop using them so much.  Especially people who don't have to struggle with the types of issues we do.
 

2 hours ago, don't know said:

 but at the same time they make me feel like why don't I have the happy ideal that everyone else around me has? Again, that's not exactly true because everyone goes through hard times. 

It can be difficult seeing people around us enjoying things in life when we can't for sure.  But you are already having the insight that everyone goes through struggles.  Extend that further and understand that just because you see people seemingly normal and happy, doesn't mean they actually are all the time.  I'm sure they are at least some of the time based on my own personal experience alone, I'm definitely happy most of the time these days.  But there were definitely days where the world around me would have seen me as "happy" but I was miserable inside.  Try not to judge your own struggles by what you see of others, we don't do a great job as a society sharing our struggles so it gives a bit of a distorted view of what life is really like for everyone.

That said, yes it sucks that you can't find the happiness you want right now, thats cruel and unfair, and I agree, sometimes life just seems cruel.  But that doesn't mean it always is or always will be.  Maybe things are horrible for you now. But what if they start getting better in a week?  Or a month? or even a year?  It sucks that you have to go through this now and for however long until things start to improve, but once they improve you will be able to be happy again.  It doesn't undo what is happening now, it doesn't make what you are going through vanish, but as someone who has gone down dark paths and struggled with happiness, I can tell you that when that happiness does come its worth waiting for, its worth fighting for.

 

3 hours ago, don't know said:

All of this happening has just made me lose complete faith in everything. People think I'm weird for being so down but it's realistic at this point. The world is an awful place from where I stand and I don't see that changing. 

Again I want to say that I don't think you are wrong for feeling bad, for struggling, for being in a bad place emotionally and mentally.  You are dealing with a lot right now and have been for awhile.   But it absolutely does not have to stay that way, a great many people have been in awful situations, some less bad, some more bad, some about as bad, as yours and their lives have gotten better.  I can't promise you anything in particular about the future, but I can tell you that there is the possibility of improvement and that possibility increases greatly if you get help and do the necessary work to get there.  I wish it wasn't necessary, I wish you could just wake up tomorrow and be your old self again, that your problems could just vanish.  But until that happens, the most realistic thing to do is seek out the kind of help that evidence shows helps people who are dealing with problems like yours.

Its ok to feel bad, but you owe it to yourself and your future to seek out help and try to get better.  Again, you DO deserve to get better, you do deserve a chance at happiness.  I hope you'll pursue one.

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DK, I feel like I just want to give you a hug and make you a cup of tea :hug:I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. 

First off, you are not "psychologically damaged". You have an anxiety disorder and, by the sounds of it, depression too. You're in a place where you don't know which way to go or how to even start make things better. That doesn't make you damaged, it just means that you're struggling, like many of us do. 

9 hours ago, don't know said:

 It's stupid because it takes one silly photograph to set me off and someone in my family died and I couldn't shed a tear.

This is exactly what I was trying to describe in your other post, grief can do weird things to us. I'm honestly the exact same way, I've had deaths in my family and I didn't cry for any of them. I felt like everything was absolutely fine and yet the grief came out in other ways, like getting emotional about very random things or even physical sensations. So you didn't feel anything in the moment when this person died, yet now your grief is pouring out in different and random ways. It's really not that strange at all. 

9 hours ago, don't know said:

It sets me off when people go 'you struggle in order to see the good side' or 'everything happens for a reason.' I know logically none of those statements make sense, but at the same time they make me feel like why don't I have the happy ideal that everyone else around me has?

I think that people just say these things to make themselves feel better about bad things happening, that certainly doesn't mean that they have a happy ideal or that they even believe what they are saying. In all honesty, you don't know how other people are feeling. Do the people in your life know how bad you feel right now and what you're going through? I've certainly had times in life where I felt like I was falling apart and yet I was still smiling, going out with friends, working and acting like everything was great, nobody had a clue. Don't compare your emotions to other peoples', they have their own experiences and you have yours, that is absolutely fine. So your grief is different from someone else's, you're going through a really hard time whereas someone else is happy. Just because you're not feeling happy or positive doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you or that you never will feel happy. 

9 hours ago, don't know said:

 I don't deserve those happy things anyway because I'm selfish and awful but still why do I have to continuously struggle and feel awful at all times? 

You're not selfish and you're certainly not awful and, most importantly, you do deserve to be happy. It's just that mental illness distorts our self concept, it makes us hate ourselves and feel like we are different and abnormal and bad. Don't let it do this to you. Go easy on yourself, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. 

You should give therapy another shot, even if is hasn't worked for you in the past. Surely taking a risk and making a change is better than feeling like this?

Edited by malina

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5 hours ago, dksea said:

That said, yes it sucks that you can't find the happiness you want right now, thats cruel and unfair, and I agree, sometimes life just seems cruel.  But that doesn't mean it always is or always will be.  Maybe things are horrible for you now. But what if they start getting better in a week?  Or a month? or even a year?  It sucks that you have to go through this now and for however long until things start to improve, but once they improve you will be able to be happy again.  It doesn't undo what is happening now, it doesn't make what you are going through vanish, but as someone who has gone down dark paths and struggled with happiness, I can tell you that when that happiness does come its worth waiting for, its worth fighting for.

This is so very true!

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13 minutes ago, malina said:

DK, I feel like I just want to give you a hug and make you a cup of tea :hug:I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. 

Haha, this totally confused me, because although I do enjoy tea (I don't even like coffee, some American I am, lol) I was thrown by the "going through a hard time" part.  I often have to double take on Don't Know's threads because of the similar initials :D

 

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17 minutes ago, dksea said:

Haha, this totally confused me, because although I do enjoy tea (I don't even like coffee, some American I am, lol) I was thrown by the "going through a hard time" part.  I often have to double take on Don't Know's threads because of the similar initials :D

 

:lol: I didn't even make the connection but I can see why it's confusing!! Well, we can all have tea

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Before all of this nearly five years ago, I thought I was depressed anyway; that seems better than all of this. But now I'm not sure. I ended up getting anxiety from seeing something online (not deliberately) and now I just feel ill because it's that I'm so unsure of myself. I feel like I relate and I just hate feeling unsure but at the same time I'm scared that I actually don't know and this ends up being true. How am I supposed to carry on? It's just too much. Again, how many times have I said that in the past few months?

All of this getting better  just seems like wishful thinking. I just seem to have so many things wrong with me and I'm just tired of it all. I have no clear stance on who I am, what I feel, what I want - anything. 

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3 minutes ago, don't know said:

I have no clear stance on who I am, what I feel, what I want - anything. 

Perhaps stop trying to force it and let those things become clear in time.  Perhaps for now, take one week or month at a time.... what do you want to achieve this coming week and focus on that for now rather than forcing yourself to think of the big stuff?

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That scares me because I think, I'll up becoming or was always like that without knowing. I've tried that and it's just the worst because it confirms all my fears. 

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I'm so sorry you're suffering so much dk. There is so much pain in your post and I wish you could find a way out of it. I do believe you will though, at some point, I really do. Things can get better. I think you really need some proper help though. Are you seeing a therapist at all? X 

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17 minutes ago, don't know said:

I'm not, no. 

It is it's too much. 

DK can I ask you something, is your main worry about seeing a therapist that you think they will tell you that you don't have OCD and confirm that all your fears are true?

This seems to be a very common worry among people with OCD and I just wanted to see if this was your fear as well?

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Yes, it is one of my biggest fears. Along with I go get treatment and then I was lying to myself the entire time or all of this actually happens. 

Edited by don't know

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1 hour ago, don't know said:

Yes, it is one of my biggest fears. Along with I go get treatment and then I was lying to myself the entire time or all of this actually happens. 

So you'd rather continue suffering like you have been for years.

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I suffer either way to be honest because on one hand yes I could go and get help. But that stuff would probably  happen and then I would live my life depressed because it actually happened or I could go on and still not know; but know that it's all true. 

Edited by don't know

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Or, you could get help, change your thinking and behavior, and get to a much better place. 

There is only depression, anxiety and distress where you are now. There is a possibility of joy and happiness out there.

Choose wisely.

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But the thing is even if I get the help; it'll probably happen and I don't think I can take that. Makes me think this was never OCD. I'm delusional.

 

Edited by don't know

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Always a negative comeback. Always ready, willing and able to dismiss the advice you are given.

That's what we do here... give advice. If you're not going to accept it, why are you here? 

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I just come here to get feelings out. If I didn't I would explode. 

Edited by don't know

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If offering you advice is pointless, what would you like us to do? 

 

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I don't really think anyone can make you go into therapy or see how your way of thinking is distorted. This has to come from you, you have to be the one to make the initial step towards getting better. You're just not there yet and it's hard to see a person in so much pain, who is unwilling to do the things they need in order to get better. I really do hope that a time will come soon where you change your mind and decide to seek help. If that time comes, know that there are plenty of resources and I'm certain that people on this forum and at the charity would be more than willing to help you with the process. I also understand that you just need to vent and talk to someone about how you're feeling. Stay strong, DK, things WILL get better.

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Thanks for the reply - still trying to see how happiness is possible. It's silly because I'm smiling and laughing. In fact I was told I'm always smiling by others. 

At least I know that life for me anyway is a waste of time and I can't trust anything because what I think and do is wrong. Every time. I cannot picture myself ever getting out of this. I used to but that upset me so I stopped doing that. 

It's just true, like I have to go to a funeral in a couple of days and all I know is that people are going to be talking to me and shaking hands and hugging me (that's how my family are)It's happened where I end up thinking that I feel something when they touch me like an attraction and I'm scared that means something. I then feel like they are still on me for the rest of the day. It always happens. There's no running from this. I'm not even obsessing I'm just upset by this fact. I don't want anyone touching because I always feel like I'm attracted to them and end up feeling hopeless. 

Edited by don't know

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11 minutes ago, don't know said:

Thanks for the reply - still trying to see how happiness is possible. It's silly because I'm smiling and laughing. In fact I was told I'm always smiling by others. 

I'm exactly the same way! It is really silly sometimes because I've had times in life where, inside, it felt like the whole world was falling apart and people were saying to me "you're always so happy". I think it's okay, you don't have to share your problems with everyone. But one thing I realised is that it made me feel even more isolated and alone. I think you need to share your feelings with someone, at the moment you're turning to this online community (which is a great resource) but you need someone in real life that you can talk to. It's hard because you don't know how people will react or if they will understand, but it's important to have someone you can trust. 

16 minutes ago, don't know said:

I cannot picture myself ever getting out of this.

Well you're going in a kind of loop at the moment because you're not challenging the OCD, you believe the intrusive thoughts to be true and you do many, many compulsions (even though you don't recognise them as such, many of the things you describe are compulsions). You just don't see this so you continue to do these things and stay in this circle. It takes real effort and help to change and break out of this, which is why everyone keeps going on at you about therapy and CBT. 

20 minutes ago, don't know said:

It's just true, like I have to go to a funeral in a couple of days and all I know is that people are going to be talking to me and shaking hands and hugging me (that's how my family are)It's happened where I end up thinking that I feel something when they touch me like an attraction and I'm scared that means something. I then feel like they are still on me for the rest of the day. It always happens. There's no running from this. I'm not even obsessing I'm just upset by this fact. I don't want anyone touching because I always feel like I'm attracted to them and end up feeling hopeless. 

But do people who are "sexual deviants" feel attracted to everybody they are related to? That honestly doesn't sound realistic even for someone who does genuinely feel attraction to a family member. In your case, you're just so afraid of these feelings, which is what causes them to emerge, just like all intrusive thoughts. 

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On 27/07/2019 at 08:51, don't know said:

Nobody can do anything - I've lost either way. 

The first time I asked a girl out, she said no.  The second time I asked a girl out she said no too.
The first time I applied to teach in Japan, they said no.  
I applied to one of the top Universities in America (Stanford), they said no.
When I was most recently hunting for jobs I applied to dozens of positions that all said no.

Just because something didn't work the first time, didn't go the way you hoped it would, doesn't mean it will always be that way.

The third time I asked a girl out, she said yes.
The second time I applied to teach in Japan, they said yes.
Two of the universities I applied to said yes.
My current job said yes.

I could have given up after each initial failure, in most cases I could have given up after multiple failures (job hunting for example).  I have had multiple relationships, and given that I am presently single, those have all ended in failure, or at least failure to marry.  But that doesn't mean I've given up on marriage as a goal someday.  And I could have given up when I was faced with OCD, there were times where I wanted to.  There were times where I was sure that the miserableness I was feeling was going to be the way I felt for the rest of my life.  I couldn't see how it would get better again.  Yet, here I am.  It DID get better.  Not magically on its own, but with treatment.

I can't promise you the next therapist you see will be the one who you connect with and gets you on track for recovery from your problems.  But if you don't seek help then you almost certainly will remain stuck.  I can't promise you will be able to achieve all the goals you want in life.  But if you don't try then you'll definitely fail at least some of them.

It can be overwhelming to try and map out how you will get from where you are now to where you want to be in the end, it can seem impossible.  So instead of focusing on the big goal, may you can focus on small goals, short term goals that can move you at least slightly closer to your ultimate goal.  It might not seem like much at first, but it will add up.  Better that than remaining stuck right?

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