battlethrough Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I know I come on here every so often and talk of another worry and I'm sure it does some people's heads in but when it hits me I get lost and it drags me under,therapy ended a while ago but I feel like I've gone to far I have not been drinking for a long time but last Thursday I slipped and got very drunk stupidly,now what happened I can't believe is ocd, my sister came in to the kitchen, we are very close, she lent into me and I put my arm round her, she was wearing a short skirt,I realised my thumb might be stroking the side of her leg or bottom, I don't know if I froze and I have a memory of her shuffling herself and saying something about knickers,then going to bed,I woke up in horror. When I saw her the next day she was her usual lovely self towards me, there wasn't any indication of anything sinister, she was just normal, I now worry maby she didn't remember. So I wonder did my arm just fall drunkenly, did I intend to pursue something,are the memories true, as I beleave I defiantly touched her bum, was it inappropriate, intentional,. As people know me on here I feel should confess this to my partner as it feels I have cheated on her. I can't get the image out of my head of my hand on her bum, and her saying something like I've got no knickers. I'm very disturbed by this, I can't see how ocd plays a part, I feel like when drunk I turn into a vile sex pest that tries it on with any women. Sorry for the disgust this may have caused, I know I was having intrusive thoughts about her at the time which adds to the mix, I really am wondering how I can overcome this Link to comment
Binxy Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Morning matie, Sorry to hear you're wrestling with this again. So, you've been "spiked"... this is going to happen I'm afraid. Remember, it's not the thought that's the problem, it's our reaction. You've clearly done a lot of ruminating about this and you've dug yourself into a bit of a hole. I can't reassure you about this- even if I could it would be the wrong thing to do. Remember what your compulsions are: trying to remember exactly what happened, looking things up on the internet, posting here (although we are here to support you!), confessing to your OH etc. You have to try to let this go- try to get really involved in something to keep your mind off it and ease the anxiety a bit. The more you go over this, the more it's going to get muddled up and twisted in your mind- you have to try to let it go. Sorry. probably not the most useful of replies. I'm sure someone will reply with something better soon. Hang in there buddy, Binx Link to comment
paradoxer Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 battlethrough, if you want to overcome this, stop trying so hard to 'overcome' it. And, I say this in the nicest possible way, try to stop using an OCD help forum for reassurance. Link to comment
battlethrough Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Thank you both, it's so hard, it always feels different, like I genuinely make sick mistakes, not just thoughts when drunk,I try so hard to get over the peak of anxiety without doing obvious compulsions, I try to stay off of this site but I become so desperate in my own head. Scary thing is it's not like a dought, it's more an intense guilt for real inappropriate behaviour,so although the ritual patterns are there and compulsions it feel more just from being a sick in the head drunk, as in I deserve to feel guilt, drunk or not I beleave my thum touched her bum and that she may have been uncomfortable at the time.i don't want to be an incest wirdo but maby alcohol bring out some dark place than when I'm sober, it's hard to see the light Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I'm sorry you're struggling still bt. Unfortunately though I think you'll always struggle as long as you buy into this way of thinking, your desperate need to know one way or another. You can't be sure and that's why ocd loves it so much. You have to make a conscious choice to stop trying to resolve these conundrums and just leave them be. I also think drinking to excess like this is something you need to properly address, it isn't good for anyone particularly not people with mental health problems. Link to comment
battlethrough Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Thank gbg, I know ur right. X,I just think everyone has a limit until they can't take anymore, so tired of losing the ocd game,10 different meds, countless councelers and phyciatric help, meditation, priests, u name it I've tried it, I know the tools in logic but when it takes hold it's like being possed all over again,no life at all x Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I know it's incredibly hard bt but unfortunately all the meds and cbt in the world won't work while you carry on doing compulsions. And I think if you look carefully you'll see you're still doing lots, namely trying to figure it out in your head. I've had a lot of progress from doing deliberate exposure and I think this is something you should think about. You could deliberately fantasise about something taboo or that your partner wouldn't like. Do it every day and sit with the anxiety it brings without analysing it. Then try and ramp it up think about as many "bad" things as you can. You need to teach your brain these things are not a threat. Link to comment
battlethrough Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Thanks x. The problem atm s be leaving that I actually touched her, how can I accept that, drunk or not,its innaproprate,drunk idiot Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 You don't know what happened, you will never know, leave it be. Link to comment
battlethrough Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 I honestly try to leave it be, it's almost beyond my control,it seems so clear, as if I was a different person,I guess I can't do anything about it but it is torture feeling like a cheating incest monster, finding all my strength to no blab to my partner, its crazy,thanks though gbg and all else xx Link to comment
Binxy Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 The other thing to remember mate is that it will always pick on something that is important to you- i.e. you relationship with your sister and your relationship with your wife. There is always a way back though- never give up. GBG is right though, drinking is not an option at the moment if it does this to you every time. I'm using it as a bit of a crutch to at the moment too. I feel awful as a result of it and I can feel my obsessions and compulsions creeping in. Best we stay clear until we're in a better place. Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I think drinking is fine but if I remember rightly bt am I right in thinking you drink to blackout almost every time? This to me is a real problem and one you need to address. Link to comment
battlethrough Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 Thanks again I have made good progress as to alcohol consumption but sometimes slip, always to my downfull. I cannot shake off the image of me stroking her bum with my thumb and beleaving it was with bad intent,don't know if I'll ever shake this one off, truly be leave I tried or did act on it, and people don't act on there fears, especially incest ones,alcohol obviously makes me my fears for real Link to comment
battlethrough Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 And yet again the urge to confess is almost crippling, I always be leave my other hlf has a rite to know.i wonder if I would want to know if she did something similar, maby I would if it helped her, oh I don't know, just lost Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 I know you think this is the worst one ever - but if you look back at your other posts you have always felt that way. You always get caught up in the hot topic of the moment and you play ocd's game hook line and sinker. You have to stand back and acknowledge that this is no different to all the others it just feels that way right now because your brain is panicking. Link to comment
battlethrough Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 This was physical contact though, mixed with thoughts and bad intension, feel so ill, just have to try and ride the storm, god knows for how long this time, months years,knackering isn't it x Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 So? It is no different to all the other times your brain is just finding reasons to see it as worse, as it will do with the next fear that comes along. Until you break the cycle it will continue like this. Link to comment
battlethrough Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 Xx,staring me in the face, so hard to see the cycle when your in the theme, Link to comment
battlethrough Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 I do try to ignore the bully, no fight, no flight just let it be. I have to first recognise when I'm ruminating,then I think we'll what can I do about this NOW, then slowly put my concentration else where, powerful beast though this illness, everytime you think you winning it comes in with another trick,who would have thought my biggest enemy in this world is my own mind. Link to comment
battlethrough Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 Is it a good idea when the image comes up to turn and face it and just look Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Yes I absolutely think you should turn and face it - then no ruminating Link to comment
battlethrough Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) RThanks gbg My last physiatrist did the old don't think of a polar bear, at first I thought nonsense, so I had to not think of a polar bear, strangely my brain kept thinking of it, then one minute to only think of a polar bear, I noticed how my brain would look elsehwhere the more I had to. Lastly it was up to me if I think of it or not, what I found was that my brain pulled me more along the lines of I can't think about a bear, I suppose that's the habit of my brain, so although when the images and feelings come up and my response is to recoil I'm going to observe and hold it there so hopefully the brain looks elsewhere from bordemx. Thanks for your time gbd xx Edited July 31, 2019 by battlethrough Link to comment
battlethrough Posted August 2, 2019 Author Share Posted August 2, 2019 Was so close to confessing to my other half, can't see it going until I do, really beleave she should know as it was a physical thing with bad intent,how os it correct to keep something so bad to myself Link to comment
Binxy Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 Hi, You know that is the wrong thing to do. If you're going to say anything just tell her that you're having a bad OCD day and leave out the details. It's your response to this worry that's causing the problem- you've been her before mate and got through it- you can do it again. Binx Link to comment
battlethrough Posted August 2, 2019 Author Share Posted August 2, 2019 Than binx I can't help but think she deserves to know as it was more than thoughts, but I also recognise that it won't help either of us but still can't help feeling like I'm diseving her Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now