sonicboom89 Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 To provide some context. I have always been an obsessive thinker and have not helped myself with excessive drinking of alcohol. Currently I am in a long-term relationship, and live with, my girlfriend. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me after a life of messy and toxic relationships. A few months ago, I was leaving my job and at my leaving party. I was drinking way too much, and got into that mode of feeling out of control. As I was leaving the final pub I ended up alone for a former colleague and for some reason decided it was ok to say I had always fancied her. The details of the rest of the night are very fuzzy in my head but we ended up at a bus stop kissing for a while and then I was on a bus going back to her place. At some point even in the state I was in, I knew it was was wrong and I got off the bus and got a taxi home. The next morning, I had to wake up and get to the airport as I was flying to LA for my new role. I felt terrible but didn't want to say anything because I was going away for a week, I didn't want to leave her with that news. I spent a whole weekend by myself and became overwhelmed with guilt. I spoke to friends, family and a therapist and the majority said I should not tell her and move on. The main reason being there was a very slim chance she would find out as she doesn't know anyone from that side of my life. I felt I was getting there but then a few weeks ago the former colleague messaged me on LinkedIn, it was all nonsense and sent in the early hours of morning, nothing suggestive but it sent me spiralling. What I would like to clearly say is I know I have done wrong and I am not asking for sympathy in that regard, I also know I need to control my drinking and I am being proactive in that regard. My challenge is that I cannot decide on whether to give into my urges and tell my girlfriend, or keep it to myself and learn to accept it and move on. No matter how I try (using techniques from therapist) its pretty much all I debate in my head. Its the first thing that I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before going to sleep. When I watch stuff with her and I hear the words "Cheating" "Trust" etc. I automatically launch into the classic beat myself up approach. I know if I tell her its going to really hurt her and she may not ever trust me again, or worse, break up with me, it could be very selfish to pass on my guilt to her as a coping mechanism. Another aspect to this is whether its always about respecting her by telling the truth. I would really appreciate some advice and guidance, I know its not an easy one and there is not a right or wrong approach, but I can feel myself getting more stressed and depressed by the day. Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 Hi sonic boom I'm not sure we can give you advice on this, it's a very personal decision. If it was me, I would want to tell my partner as otherwise it would eat me up. But that's not necessarily the right choice, maybe it would be selfish as you say, or a compulsion, possibly both. Personally I could forgive my partner a drunken mistake, but not for keeping it from me - but again that is a very personal thing. Only you know the dynamics of your relationship and what is right for you. I can see both sides of it. Sorry I know that's probably not very helpful! What is definitely the case is you have no reason to beat yourself up every hour of the day - you're human, you made a mistake, now you feel remorse. That's life and none of us are perfect. Regardless of what you choose to do, be kind to yourself because you deserve it. Link to comment
Binxy Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 (edited) Listen to GBG... exactly what I would have said if I had the words... Binx Edited August 2, 2019 by Binxy Link to comment
bluegas Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Just remember to be kind to yourself I have read somewhere and I strongly believe that ocd sufferers suffer with chronic quilt and no matter what your guilty of no one deserves chronic quilt!!!! Link to comment
sonicboom89 Posted August 5, 2019 Author Share Posted August 5, 2019 ok, thank you, it's helpful to get another perspective, it is very personal and there is no right answer! I will take the main point seriously - about beating myself up/focusing on the guilt and will try and work on this. Thanks. Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I guess one way to think about it is - how would you feel if this was your partner? Would you understand her not telling you? Would you rather know even if difficult? Could you forgive her? You may find she's more understanding than you think. Link to comment
bluegas Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I’ve just read a comment on another thread that says do what you want to do!!!!not what ocd is dictating you to do!!almost feel guilty for pinching somebody else’s quote but I’m gonna make this my new motto !!! Stay strong mate ! Link to comment
dksea Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Hi @sonicboom89, welcome to the forums. Sorry to hear about the tough situation you are having. GBG definitely offers some good advice for your situation. I'm also glad that you recognize that your drinking has become problematic and are doing something about it. It can be hard to change behaviors, not just for OCD but for anything, so in both cases I think its good to take a measured and planned approach. Put a plan in place, work towards set goals, etc. I also want to offer you some encouragement, I personally don't drink (I've tried various alcohols, just isn't for me) and you can absolutely still have fun with friends and at social events if you drink less or not at all I hope you find the healthy level for yourself and are able to improve both that aspect of your life as well as the OCD. Good luck and be sure to use the forums for help when you need to. Link to comment
sonicboom89 Posted August 6, 2019 Author Share Posted August 6, 2019 thanks all for your advice. Link to comment
MentalChecker Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 As others have said its a difficult one, however I for one always believe in honesty being the best policy and this has nothing to do with OCD. You could be together for the rest of your lives and be prevented from showing your true feelings to her because your hiding a secret. Nobody is perfect in life and life throws **** at you that can be difficult to get through and overcome. Who knows she may even go through something similar in the future and need to tell you. If you are both made for each other then I'm sure you can get through anything that life throws at you. Life is a journey and can sometimes be a bumpy one, it's not so much about what happens in life but what you do about it that matters.... Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 6 minutes ago, MentalChecker said: As others have said its a difficult one, however I for one always believe in honesty being the best policy and this has nothing to do with OCD. You could be together for the rest of your lives and be prevented from showing your true feelings to her because your hiding a secret. Nobody is perfect in life and life throws **** at you that can be difficult to get through and overcome. Who knows she may even go through something similar in the future and need to tell you. If you are both made for each other then I'm sure you can get through anything that life throws at you. Life is a journey and can sometimes be a bumpy one, it's not so much about what happens in life but what you do about it that matters.... Link to comment
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