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The thing is my mind doesn't scream at me; it just states the obvious and not everything that it says is a lie. I don't feel like it is anyway. 

The thought about it being true does not pop into my head, something will happen and I'll think it's probably true. I had issues with vomiting many years ago. It was a really bad phobia; I no longer care about it, it's not nice when it happens but it doesn't bother me to the extent that it used to. Yeah, it would be great if I could just not have these things/thoughts anymore, but its with every single person and I completely freak out but obviously with my family its the worst. 

Today was a really difficult day - my brain is like you don't care about people because the idea of seeing them made me feel empty or extremely anxious. I just feel like a liar and feel as though I have no sense of self. That was another situation where I thought if you are feeling these negative emotions it must be for a reason. Another thing is where I panic about how my life is predetermined, like I know its not because I don't believe in anything at all, but it keeps getting at me trying to assign meaning to everything that happens to me. That one is ridiculous. 

 

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, don't know said:

The thing is my mind doesn't scream at me; it just states the obvious and not everything that it says is a lie. I don't feel like it is anyway. 

I feel like you are zeroing in on specific words but missing the overall message :)  Yes OCD doesn't always "scream" at you.  And yes, not every thought you have will be a lie.  OCD isn't, for better or worse, constantly "ON".

Think of your brain like an elevator, and your different thoughts are different floors.  Some of those floors you can visit and leave without a problem, the buttons on the elevator just work.  But maybe there is a floor, lets say the 13th (because superstition), that you don't like to go to.  But the buttons in the elevator sometimes get stuck, sometimes, even when you don't want to the button for the 13th floor triggers.  You didn't want to go there, you don't like going there, but you are in the elevator and thats where it stopped.  Now that you are on that floor you try to use the buttons to leave.  Sometimes they work, often they don't.  Its not 100% of the time.  AND when you are on other floors you don't have any problems.

Thats OCD, some thoughts get stuck, other thoughts pass through normally.  We don't know exactly why only certain thoughts get stuck, why those thoughts vary from person to person, but we know that they do.  We also know how to treat it, and those of us on the forum are really desperately trying to get you to do that for your own well being.


OCD intrusive "thoughts" manifest in many different ways, it can be a subtle feeling, it can be an overwhelming fear.  Maybe you feel intense anxiety, or maybe its more general unease.  At its core though it follows the same pattern, an unwanted thought that causes distress, thats what you are experiencing.  If you weren't you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't spend so much time feeling bad about all this, you wouldn't want it to stop, you wouldn't want to change anything.  If there thoughts weren't intrusive you wouldn't care if you had them.  But you do care, they do bother you, and they aren't going away, because its OCD.  

I'll repeat what I've said before, all the descriptions you give fit OCD perfectly.  Every "the thing is..." I've ever read from you doesn't mean what you think it means, they aren't refutations of OCD, they are, in fact, confirmations of OCD.
 

6 hours ago, don't know said:

The thought about it being true does not pop into my head, something will happen and I'll think it's probably true.

Again, that "something will happen" is called a trigger, and triggers that make us think about our unwanted thoughts are perfectly common with OCD (and human memory in general).  It doesn't matter whether the thought "pops" in to your head out of nowhere or happens because you see/hear/feel/etc something related to it.  All that matters is that you have the thought, you don't want to have the thought, it makes you feel bad in some way, and it keeps happening over and over and is hard to move past.  You fit all the criteria.  Your behavior and experience is described perfectly by OCD.
 

6 hours ago, don't know said:

Another thing is where I panic about how my life is predetermined, like I know its not because I don't believe in anything at all, but it keeps getting at me trying to assign meaning to everything that happens to me. That one is ridiculous. 

It is, like basically all OCD worries, ridiculous.  But we can recognize the thought as ridiculous and it can still bother us, thats OCD.  Also, if you do a search for fears about predetermined life/predestination/solipsism, etc. you'll find many posts, including recent posts, of other sufferers struggling with those same fears.

Many, if not most, OCD sufferers feel like their situation is unique, their situation is somehow different and not what every other sufferer is dealing with, therefore its NOT OCD.  And they are all basically wrong.  While no one experiences the 100% exact situation as another, since we all live different lives, the patterns are consistent, the problems are consistent, and the worries are seldom, if ever, perfectly unique.  Even if they were its still the same underlying problem, and its fixed in the same basic way. I accept that you don't feel like you can relate, you feel how you feel.  But that doesn't mean you don't have the same problem.  How you feel doesn't change whether or not you have OCD.  A person can "feel" perfectly healthy and still have a terrible disease.  A person can "feel" terrible and not have any illness at all.  Feeling is one way of how we experience the world, but it does not define reality.  And the reality is, and I'd be willing to bet large sums of money on this, that you have OCD.  If you want to recover you need to start treating your problem as OCD, even if you aren't sure thats what it is, even if you doubt.  You need to take a leap of faith, trust those around you who have more experience and make a decision.  You can't control that you have this problem, but you can deal with it.

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The issue is I cannot for the life of me see what is me and what isn't.The only thing is deviants probably hate these types of thoughts too and they probably feel awful about the future - hopeless like me because they have to live like this. I can't see these thoughts as being ridiculous. I've never seen my other thoughts as ridiculous only those ones in relation to everything being 'destined' to happen because I know for a fact its not true. I'm sorry if that offends anyone, I truly am. There's no reason for me to believe that life is good or that all of this is happening for a reason. 

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Today has felt like my breaking point (what's new there) . I was just thinking to myself how much I don't want to be here anymore - my brain doesn't match my feelings, but again I don't know what they are. I feel frustrated all the time and to be honest I wouldn't mind not waking up in the morning. It feels as though there's no escape that my fears and worries are true in the ways that I enjoy/want to do these things or I don't feel the right emotions. Even outside of that I'm really miserable - it feels like I'm supposed to be this way and like I have no choice. I wonder what I've done to deserve this. To be honest I really don't want to be here anymore. I'm sorry to be posting this **** again, but I just had to vent. 

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