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don't know

Keeps getting worse

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I'm now restricted to how often I use this account. I can't sign in from my phone. I'm having all these issues. I doubt that I'm depressed; I just feel like there's no reason to go on with all of this anymore. I keep seeing things about obsessions possibly being true (I don't mean that to upset anyone - I mean for me because I am the exception when it comes to this stuff it feels like) . Maybe thats why I can't let go because in a way I would have to admit defeat. I keep getting these reactions constantly. I don't even think about them or over-analyse to the point that they happen,  they just appear. There's really nothing to keep me going. I gave up quite a while ago. I keep seeing all these things that are like 'you'll never know' or 'accept the uncertainty.' It's just the fact that I could go through treatment and then it all be true. I would feel embarrassed and like I ran from my 'true self'. I even had one of my therapists say 'what would be the worst thing if it happened' about a couple of things I used to worry about. I feel jealous of people around me who seem to have it so easy in comparison, like they don't worry about this stuff. I know thats not true to say that they have it easy, I don't know and it's stupid for saying that. I feel like I'm cursed to be like this. That sounds really stupid as well. The past five years have just been absolutely awful and it just keeps going and going, like my posts on this account. 

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I know nothing about your circumstances but I can tell you with 100 per cent sincerity that it can get better.

About me: diagnosed in 1995. Tried every antidepressant going. Put on antipsychotic medication. Became addicted to tranquillisers. Became alcohol dependant as a result of chronic anxiety. Multiple hospitalisations in psychiatric units. Had it suggested to me I "might" benefit from ECT. Had it suggested to me that psychosurgery might be the only option left for me - and more.

Now? Almost off tranquillisers. Sober for almost a year. Not in treatment. Rarely have panic attacks. Learning to deal with anxiety. The happiest I've been in 20 + years.

Why? Simple - I'm learning to stop listening to that rubbish in my mind by cherry-picking what's significant and what isn't. There's no such thing as 100 per cent certainty for ANYONE not just OCD sufferers. 

The more an OCD sufferer pays attention to the scary stuff the mind creates the more frightened and bewildered they become and the more "vigilant" they become to every thought and the more significant those thoughts seem. It's the worst vicious circle imaginable and I 100 per cent sympathise with you.

However, if you continue to doubt everything and don't take on board what a competent therapist is saying the hamster wheel will keep spinning and spinning. That was my life for over 20 years. It doesn't have to be like that for you.

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Hi, thanks for the reply. I'm glad you're feeling better and thanks for sharing your story.

I deal with sexual thoughts, not knowing how I feel towards people (anxiety or numb completely) and feeling like the world is out to get me in general (that's selfish and stupid to say. Also I'm sure everyone feels like that at a certain point in their lives.) I was on anti-depressants for at least six months and it helped but I ended up going off of them. 

I don't understand how it can be rubbish though because there's proof for it. It feels like there's no escaping it and that's significant to me. Also what that therapist said scared me because I thought that they were saying it could be true. I also have it if I see something and get a reaction I say 'told you so' or something along those lines. I then think there's no point and it becomes even more true. It's not even anxiety at this point. 

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Not to put too fine a point on it, but you have NO proof. None. Your alleged proof is the result of a mental disorder fixating on irrelevant thoughts.

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There's "proof" unfortunately hat sexual deviancy exists: We only need to pick up a newspaper to see that. However, There's no proof that you or I are sexual deviants? I've had intrusive thoughts about harming children since 1995. Have I ever acted upon thoughts? I'll let you answer that.

To me (and this is just my opinion) you're obsessing about obsessions and the more you do it the more you'll tie yourself up in knots. 

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9 hours ago, don't know said:

Also what that therapist said scared me because I thought that they were saying it could be true. 

I don't think your therapist meant to suggest that it is true. People with OCD tend to catastrophise - we believe our worst fears are true and that this is the end of the world. So therapists try to get us to reevaluate the outcome, to make us see that it may not be the end of the world. This reduces anxiety and gives less meaning to the intrusive thoughts, which makes them stop appearing as much. Nobody actually believes that you are a sexual deviant, if they did, they wouldn't be taking the approach of telling you to accept the possibility of it. 

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So for me who just come back here after let's say 14 days and once again reading your posts I get this feeling of "still in her head". And that is what you have to understand, you are stuck in your head and you won't come out with the methods you are using. Your normal is far from ok, and your extreme is the way you need to go.

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On 13/08/2019 at 05:50, don't know said:

because I am the exception when it comes to this stuff it feels like

Why are you the exception?  Nothing you have described is exceptional compared to other sufferers.  It feels exception to you because you are the one experiencing it and you can't compare that to what others are suffering directly, none of us can.  But, again, nothing you have described is remotely out of the ordinary for someone with OCD.  
 

On 13/08/2019 at 05:50, don't know said:

I keep seeing all these things that are like 'you'll never know' or 'accept the uncertainty.' It's just the fact that I could go through treatment and then it all be true. I would feel embarrassed and like I ran from my 'true self'.

And what if you keep on torturing yourself about something that was never true?  Thats a possibility too, a much more likely possibility.  What if you are running from your "true self" RIGHT NOW by chasing these OCD induced fears that you might be someone else?  Isn't that even worse?  That you would live your life in pain and suffering over a lie?
 

On 13/08/2019 at 05:50, don't know said:

The past five years have just been absolutely awful and it just keeps going and going, like my posts on this account. 

Yes, its very clear that you are suffering and that sucks.  Thats why we are trying to help you.  We WANT you to feel better, we are desperately trying to help you get there, but you need to start listening to our advice for that to happen.  You have been at this for 5 years and you keep getting worse.  What you are doing now isn't working, you need to change paths.  You need to start accepting that just because you have these worries does NOT mean they are real, you can fear something you can have thoughts about something and that thing can be completely in your head, not reality.  There is help and hope, but you need to make some choices to get there.  Please please please start to think about that.

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@dkseaGreat post above and nothing to add other than to say I was the same - thought my OCD "was different", "impenetrable" and I was "different" also. It wasn't and isn't the case.

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 I tried reaching out to my parents and kind of say that I was not feeling great mentally and as soon as I started talking I just talked myself out of it; they don't believe me anyway. They say I'm cynical and thats the joke. I feel as though I have nothing to complain about. So, it was kind of left to the side. I'm just struggling to see the light still in life because I'm just surrounded by all this happiness from other people - which is really great for them but it just sucks from the amount of failures, sadness, depression etc. it's just too much for me to cope with anymore. I genuinely believe that I'm cursed or something. Thats stupid but it feels true. 

With the point about the therapist, it really didn't help, it just made me feel really anxious. But, that was two years ago. It doesn't even feel like I'm in my head. It's like I'm having these thoughts, I'm feeling these things, its just there. I don't really see my 'old self' as being real. It feels like an illusion that I created and then I grew up and I was wrong. I don't really feel like I know how I feel etc. Basically, I feel like I don't really know my own reality. Everything is just bleak. 

There's been days where my thoughts don't feel intrusive, it feels as though I want them and enjoy them and the possibility of acting out. It feels like I don't care. Everything just makes me feel like I can't handle it. I don't expect anything to get better ever.

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I'm sorry that speaking to your parents didn't go as you hoped. I think it can be very difficult for people who don't experience mental illness to understand it. Also, sometimes families like to believe there is nothing wrong and kind of sweep negative feelings under the rug. That doesn't mean that they don't care or don't want to help, it may take them some time to get there. It was the same with my parents, especially my dad. He just did not get it, he kept telling me that if the thoughts are bothering me so much, I just need to stop thinking them, as if it was all that easy. It took a long time, one day I completely broke down in tears and explained it all to him, when he saw how much pain I was in, he finally got it and has been really supportive since. I think it took us about 2 years to get to that point. 

2 hours ago, don't know said:

which is really great for them but it just sucks from the amount of failures, sadness, depression etc.

DK, this does not make you a failure!! You are struggling, you are coping with all the things other people have to deal with - uni, studying, working, etc, all of these things come with stress, plus on top of that you have this mental health problem to deal with. You are doing double the work to stay afloat. It sucks and you shouldn't have to, but you are not a failure, you are doing so much more than others are. 

2 hours ago, don't know said:

With the point about the therapist, it really didn't help, it just made me feel really anxious. .

I get that, but this is where communication with the therapist is super important. If you ever go again and they tell you something that makes you feel worse, you have to speak up and say so. 

2 hours ago, don't know said:

There's been days where my thoughts don't feel intrusive, it feels as though I want them and enjoy them and the possibility of acting out. It feels like I don't care. Everything just makes me feel like I can't handle it. I don't expect anything to get better ever.

I know you won't believe this, but all of this is completely normal when you have OCD. These thoughts can't trigger the exact same feelings every single time. Sometimes they feel awful, other times they actually feel ok-ish, but that doesn't make them real. 

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On 13/08/2019 at 22:15, PhilM said:

@dkseaGreat post above and nothing to add other than to say I was the same - thought my OCD "was different", "impenetrable" and I was "different" also. It wasn't and isn't the case.

The 'my OCD is worse and more terrible than anyone elses'' is the standard absurd hubris of the disorder. To be in with a chance, it has to be tossed into the rubbish bin, where it belongs. 

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It really destroyed my relationship with my family when my second therapist diagnosed me with OCD and tried to do CBT with me. They didn't believe that was what I was suffering with. They sometimes make jokes and see nothing wrong with me. 

I ended up going on those websites and I am sweating and feel really ill. It's the whole 'I thought I was normal but that was an illusion.' Unrelated, I saw a post about going through a mourning period of who you thought you were and then accepting yourself as a new person. I even have friends who talk like this and it freaks me out (not about anything I worry about obviously) I can't believe I thought I could run from this but I guess I was just an idiot. The post was like something I felt I was doing. It's like all these signs and I'm just really anxious right now because it seems like I enjoy them but I'm staying in denial. It's been like that for years. I'm never going to get over this. It's complicated to explain. I was googling all these people who had OCD whose obsession came true (I'm really sorry, I don't mean to panic anyone) and there has been quite a few. I have no proof at all to suggest that this isn't true. Like my responses keep getting worse. It feels like I can't look away from this stuff and obviously it just happens. My mouth also waters which I don't check, again it just happens every single time. I'm so fed up with all of this. I don't know who I am; yet it feels like I do and don't want to admit it. I probably wouldn't want to admit it. If anyone touches me I have to see if I enjoyed it or not. It feels as though their touch lingers on for many days after and I can't deal with it. I just want everything to end. 

Edited by don't know

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I understand it’s difficult with your family situation. I do think that a lot of families are like this when it comes to mental health, it’s hard for them to see how their child is struggling and refusing to believe it and acting like nothing is wrong is a path that they can cope with. It’s hard for everyone and it takes time. Just out of curiosity, what do they believe you’re suffering from? I imagine that your family initially took you to see a therapist when you were younger right? So they must have had an idea that something was wrong.

Now about the Googling. Can’t you see how you’re contradicting yourself with this? You don’t want to go to a therapist because you’re scared they will tell you it’s all true, yet you spend time reading these forums, compiling evidence that it’s true. So my question is why waste time reading something that makes you feel awful? I already know your answer here is going to be that you need an answer, you need to know. Yet you also don’t want to know. So which is it?

In all honesty, those forums don’t have your answer. They are other people’s experiences that don’t say anything about you. So I would really suggest stopping with this because it is a compulsion. You read something, feel miserable and go back to it time and time again. If you don’t want to get proper help, at least stop doing things that will make it worse, there are much better ways to spend your time.

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They had no idea. They just thought I was a worrier. It was really impacting on my school work and ended up nearly failing, so I had to see someone. 

I can see the contradiction. It's difficult I'm seeing all the ways that it can be true but don't want to be told that its true. I would say just because it makes me feel awful doesn't mean its not real.

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I do not believe you have found a bunch of people whose obsessions have come true. Doesn't happen. Either you are misinterpreting what they are saying, they never had OCD in the first place, or they're lying.

I have been here for about five years. Talked to hundreds upon hundreds of people. You know how many fall into the category you described? None.

You really need to take malina's words to heart. You are abusing this forum and yourself. It's time for that to stop.

Edited by PolarBear

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 It takes one google search and there is an article that appears called "When OCD obsessions come true." Yes, all OCD obsessions don't come true. However, on this forum I have seen people worrying about stuff for it to come true in relation to health etc. I have also seen some posts on the OCD reddit page which vary with different obsessions. Again, I think its a bit rude to say that these people didn't have OCD, or are liars. Maybe they did struggle with it and then it ended being true. That's awful for them. 

Also how am I abusing myself? 

Edited by don't know

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19 minutes ago, don't know said:

 It takes one google search and there is an article that appears called "When OCD obsessions come true." Yes, all OCD obsessions don't come true. However, on this forum I have seen people worrying about stuff for it to come true in relation to health etc. I have also seen some posts on the OCD reddit page which vary with different obsessions. Again, I think its a bit rude to say that these people didn't have OCD, or are liars. Maybe they did struggle with it and then it ended being true. That's awful for them. 

Also how am I abusing myself? 

There is a difference between worrying about something like having a heart attack, which can happen no matter what you do, and worrying about someday doing something you don’t want to.  

Having a heart attack isn’t a choice. You can make choices that might impact your risk, but it’s not something you CHOOSE to do.  But worrying about it because of OCD, even if you eventually have a heart attack, isn’t the right choice.  OCD worries are always the wrong path, even when they are possible.

Meanwhile, having consensual sex with a relative is a choice you make. It’s not something you just do someday even though you don’t want to. You are worried about this, we all understand that. That worry is unpleasant, very unpleasant, we all understand that too. But being worried about something has no bearing on whether it will actually come true. These things are not related. You could spend the rest of your life worried about it and never do it. Or you could do what we recommend, get to the point you don’t worry about it, and still never do it. The vast majority of people on this planet do not worry about it like you do. The vast majority also don’t commit incest. Why? Because your worry is unrelated to the possibility of it happening. The only connection is the one you have allowed to be built up in your mind by engaging the OCD with compulsions. If anything you are LESS likely than the average person to commit incest as obviously it bothers you a lot. 

Finally, you are abusing yourself because you are unwilling to listen to people who have a more clear perspective than you, some of whom have far more expertise than you, and instead insisting that you don’t have a problem (or at least your problem is something else which doesn’t make any sense from an objective standpoint.). You are like an alcoholic who refuses to admit they have a drinking problem. It’s destroying your life and it doesn’t have to. You keep insisting that you know better than all of us how to handle a situation where you are the one who is broken, whose viewpoint is necessarily affected.  It’s like a blind person walking in to the middle of a busy street and ignoring the sighted people telling them to stop because there is traffic. You need to accept that your perspective is flawed, that you are not able to see clearly and that doing it your way is not working. 

The evidence is clear that proper treatment for OCD is very effective. But doing what you are is not. So is the vast majority of the mental health community wrong, or are you? Which is more likely?

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2 hours ago, don't know said:

 It takes one google search and there is an article that appears called "When OCD obsessions come true." Yes, all OCD obsessions don't come true. However, on this forum I have seen people worrying about stuff for it to come true in relation to health etc. I have also seen some posts on the OCD reddit page which vary with different obsessions. Again, I think its a bit rude to say that these people didn't have OCD, or are liars. Maybe they did struggle with it and then it ended being true. That's awful for them. 

Also how am I abusing myself? 

I did a quick Google search on what you said, just out of curiosity. In the second article that came up, the writer talks about how we indeed do face "what if" situations, risks and fears that can potentially come true. However, she concludes by saying that of all the things she had been worried about, the worst thing that actually happened was OCD itself (the fear, anxiety and unhappiness she had to live with). 

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I had an issue where this backed me into a corner last night and I thought to myself I can't keep running from it. I felt better when I said it's true. I felt numb sure, but no more questions or anything like that. My minds been quiet. 

 Nothing can convince me that its not true. All signs point to it. Nobody cares and I can understand all I do is complain about the same things over and over again, and never seem to take advice. It's just so difficult - like life isn't worth living because even when I try and do the right thing or think I'm on the right track it trips me up. It's like every real feeling I've had is false and actually this is the real me. I think the problem is I understand your point about it being a choice, but you can be repressed in terms of attractions. Its the attractions that I'm scared of. But there's nothing I can do about that. 

 

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On 28/08/2019 at 17:40, don't know said:

Nothing can convince me that its not true.

That is a choice you are making, you can make that choice if you want.
 

On 28/08/2019 at 17:40, don't know said:

All signs point to it

Again, no they don't, we have explained to you numerous times the alternate explanations for everything you have described, as well as why you have been wrong in saying "OCD doesn't do X" or "Y doesn't happen if its OCD".  But you are the one who has to make the choice of what to believe or not to believe, thats up to you.
 

On 28/08/2019 at 17:40, don't know said:

Nobody cares

If nobody cared, why have we spent countless hours replying to your threads?  If nobody cared you would never have gotten a single response.
 

On 28/08/2019 at 17:40, don't know said:

It's just so difficult

Yes, mental illness is difficult, thats why we recommend you get professional help, thats what its there for, to help make things less difficult.

 

On 28/08/2019 at 17:40, don't know said:

I think the problem is I understand your point about it being a choice, but you can be repressed in terms of attractions. Its the attractions that I'm scared of.

No, the problem is you refuse to listen and take the advice being given to you.  Repression is very much a debatable area of mental health.  OCD is not.  Being afraid of something is real, but that doesn't mean the thing you fear IS real.
 

On 28/08/2019 at 17:40, don't know said:

But there's nothing I can do about that. 

There are many things you can do about it, you are making the choice not to.  You are allowed to make that choice, but it still remains true that you could do things differently.

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The only thing about all of this is though when I go it's true I feel calm and my brain goes quiet - I just feel depressed after it. I've also been getting these reactions to everything like this. It's just giving me so much anxiety because it feels as though everything is true and I can't relate to anyone on this site. I just want to disappear and it seems like everything in my life is like "See you were always like this" or "why would you react to that if it wasn't true." It doesn't feel like I'm so scared of it that it's happening, it feels like it's happening and that's why I'm scared. 

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13 hours ago, don't know said:

The only thing about all of this is though when I go it's true I feel calm and my brain goes quiet - I just feel depressed after it.

Right, you feel a sense of calm because you've stopped fighting.  That doesn't mean what you were fighting is true or not, it simply means you aren't fighting anymore.  Yet, it never lasts.  You "accept it" and it always comes back.  Because its not about denial of incest, its about denial of OCD.  OCD describes everything you are suffering completely.  Nothing you have ever said or posted contradicts this being OCD.  Every "but..." you try to use to say its not OCD is, in fact, perfectly in line with it being OCD.

Yes, its all scary and uncomfortable, and distressing, and you don't want it to be happening.  Thats exactly how I feel when I am struggling with my OCD, and how others feel struggling with theirs.  The worries feel completely real, because the fear you feel is real (but the thing you fear is probably not).  

If you want to get better you have to accept that you are going to have thoughts you don't like (everyone does) but that doesn't mean those thoughts are TRUE.

Meanwhile, yes, if you search long and hard enough, you can pretty much always find an example of the thing you fear and match it to yourself.  You could probably find some similarity between yourself and a serial killer if you tried, or a great artist, or a politician, or a car thief.  That doesn't mean you are any of those things.  When you pick and choose the evidence you believe and ignore the rest of it you don't get the truth, you get a warped lie.  Time to stop believing the lie.

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20 hours ago, don't know said:

I can't relate to anyone on this site.

You may feel this way, but I think that many of us can relate to you and what you have been saying. In fact, so much of how you think and the feelings you describe resonates with me and I'm sure many others who have responded to your posts. 

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I was talking to my parents and they were talking about meeting up with distant relatives and I felt like I would end up being 'into' them. I always feel like I'm lying to myself. Thats happened the past couple of days - I'm just left exhausted. I don't think I'll ever be able to feel normal emotions again, and I really feel like I tricked myself into feeling 'normal'. It's difficult because I think when I start to trust its OCD it proves its not OCD, if that makes sense. 

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