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Worrying about worrying


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Hi y'all

This is a bit of an ongoing struggle for me, I'm afraid. I'm not doing very well with this.

I was looking into some stuff tonight that's connected with religious OCD - I know online research can count as a compulsion, but it was theology related that I was seeking - and I'm just so scared. What I read was helpful in some ways - however, I'm so used to worrying all the time while not wanting to worry my life away. I've been getting gradually better at not giving into mental compulsions and am working on not praying; I'm able to remind myself of how counter-productive it is, but my worst fears are being unforgivable. I've just been worrying so hard for so long and I'm starting to realise there was no need for it. It's hard to think that things will get better because anxiety has been a part of my life for such a long time and I'm scared of doing something or saying something that will bring it back in. Of committing the unforgivable sin and never getting better. I even worried that watching certain television shows about angels and demons would be part of that.

I guess all you can do in this case is hang the sense of it and keep yourself busy. I hate worrying so much but I get so used to fighting a battle and it's felt like a significant battle over the past few years, throughout the whole of my twenties. Yesterday I had a moment of panic that I would reach my mid-thirties and still be dogged by the same things I was worried about when I was 21 and that terrified me. I'm just so used to that worrying feeling and it's so frightening. I know all I can do is my best and it's not my fault that I have an anxiety disorder, but it's often felt like my fault because I felt responsible for my thoughts. But then, they're only thoughts.

Gah. I'm going to make my lunch for tomorrow and go to sleep. Extra chocolate for the lunchbox, methinks!

Thanks for reading

C x 

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Thankyou, Ginger.

I'm doing my best this end, but it's not always easy. I am realising that I've been rather hard and forceful with myself and am coming to terms with that, gradually and have been on hyperalert, in case I do something wrong. I don't want to do that to myself; all I can do is my best. So I will keep on with the exposures and am cutting down on the no praying thing, which has been a struggle in itself. But that's why we have to try. At least I have some stuff to look forward to. :)

C x

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