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Going to therapy


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So, my OCD is pretty bad. I have this belief that I can work through it on my own by doing active exposures, but I have been trying to get myself started since January and basically have stopped and started. I keep telling myself that I'll start "on Monday," but basically Monday never comes either because I just don't feel like making myself anxious or because some new intrusive thought that will "contaminate" my actions pops up (that's my whole thing, my intrusive sexual thoughts contaminate what I'm doing, like reading a book, writing, taking notes, playing games, so I just avoid doing these things - my life's become constricted).

However, I'd rather work on my own than go to a therapist. I just don't like going to therapists. I've been looking at some guy who's $250/session, that's a lot of money. I feel like it's not totally impossible that I work on my own, it's just unlikely. However, it's not guaranteed that going to a therapist would work either.

I want to be free, but my OCD is so confusing and leads me down all these weird pathways, like now I'm obsessing about whether or not to go to a therapist! I'm telling myself that I'd try on my own until January, and THEN go to a therapist if I don't get anywhere, but why waste these months when I could start therapy and be better by January?

sigh

How do I get out of this kind of convoluted thinking and just take action?

Even a post like this is so typical of my OCD. Throughout my post history are posts exactly like this, going back years.

I have this kind of "problem-solver" mentality, so, the problem is "do I go to therapy now, or try self-help and then if that doesn't work go to therapy?" So I'll tell myself that I will sit down and try to work it all out, but because I have OCD it's hard to actually get anywhere. I think objectively the right decision would be to try therapy, subjectively, however, my experience with therapy has been negative because I have some kind of strange obsession with therapy itself. Actually, the guy I'm considering has written an article about this: https://www.drjordanlevy.com/newjersey-ocd-doubting-article

 

For me, it's all that but also being in therapy feels "wrong" and I should do it on my own. I feel hopeless. Like, if I continue on this way, instead of taking action, there's no reason I won't be in the same place on August 20, 2020. My contamination OCD was just as bad on August 20, 2018, and all that's happened between then and now is I went to a residential treatment program. I didn't get any better as I was not consistent with the exposures they wanted me to do and I actually lied about my compliance.

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My opinion. You can't do it on your own. So many times you've said you're going to and you don't. 

You won't do all the therapy required. Remember last time? You got hung up on one thing the therapist wanted you to do and the whole thing fell apart. You kept coming here, complaining that you shouldn't have to do what the therapist asked. Bottom line... you refused to do what was needed and therapy failed.

In order for you to get to a better place, you will have to do some scary, repulsive, degrading things. You have to. If you don't do them and just complain, therapy will not work.

You have a decision to make.

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I understand your obsession with therapy, I think I have that as well - questioning if it's "right", if it'll end up making things worse or if I don't do something that I'll never truly get better. You should be open and able to discuss these issues with the therapist and they should address these concerns. Therapy naturally feels wrong because it forces you to share your most intimate thoughts and fears with a complete stranger. When it comes to OCD, we are also expected to do things that make us deeply uncomfortable. In a way it's natural that it would feel "wrong", because you're doing something awkward, unpleasant and scary. However, that doesn't mean that this feeling is true. Most people hate going to their doctor for these reasons, yet they do it because they are sick. It is really the same thing for us.

I also had a really bad experience the first time I tried therapy. That was mainly because I didn't know that I had OCD at the time and saw a university counsellor who knew very little about OCD, so really could not help me adequately. It was pretty traumatic but I did eventually get to see a specialist and it helped me so much. Just because you have had a bad experience, doesn't mean you shouldn't try again. Be prepared to be open about your concerns.

I think that in your case, therapy will feel wrong for all the right reasons. As you said, you don't want to make yourself anxious. The therapist will make you anxious and you will feel resistance towards the process. That is when you will have to trust them and persist. 

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I emailed him to get on the waiting list, which is 6-8 weeks. I guess I can always change my mind later, but I just think if I don't go to anyone I'll sit around and do nothing, nothing will change.

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13 minutes ago, Ryukil said:

I emailed him to get on the waiting list, which is 6-8 weeks. I guess I can always change my mind later, but I just think if I don't go to anyone I'll sit around and do nothing, nothing will change.

Great, well done! I think you made the right decision.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

You are in the exact same position as 1-2 years ago. All the advices you got then applies today too. 

No, nothing will change if you keep doing like this, have anything changed the last 2 years?

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On 20/08/2019 at 17:39, Ryukil said:

My contamination OCD was just as bad on August 20, 2018, and all that's happened between then and now is I went to a residential treatment program. I didn't get any better as I was not consistent with the exposures they wanted me to do and I actually lied about my compliance.

I think that's great that you at least recognize why the therapy didn't work. I imagine it often takes many of us a few goes before we can actually apply the therapy. Personally I've been working for a few years at using different toilets. I get the theory, it's worked on other aspects of my OCD, but this one just seems especially tough for me. So you just keep beginning again. Recommitting to doing it. 

 

On 21/08/2019 at 01:33, Ryukil said:

I emailed him to get on the waiting list, which is 6-8 weeks. I guess I can always change my mind later, but I just think if I don't go to anyone I'll sit around and do nothing, nothing will change.

Great decision!

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I am of course very anxious about it and am telling myself that I can always cancel when he actually gives me an appointment, but yeah.

I really wonder why I have such anxiety about going to a therapist. It's not necessarily fear of what they want me to do, it's more that it feels "wrong" or out of place, kind of like this little OCD phase I went through where if the pencils on my computer desk were not straight I couldn't concentrate on the computer game I was playing. Isn't there a term for this? Like "right feeling" OCD? It's that.

Anyway, his article about "doubting the doubting disease" I linked above is part of why I want to go to him because the obsessions related to therapy itself are, for some reason, a big obstacle for me, and it's nice to have someone who understands that.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

Being anxious is great for the sufferer and the only way out. It all comes down to you stopping to avoid anxiety and embrace it. 

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On 23/08/2019 at 04:31, OCDhavenobrain said:

Being anxious is great for the sufferer and the only way out. It all comes down to you stopping to avoid anxiety and embrace it. 

Great, liberating point! Not so easy to subscribe to when in the trenches, but essential.:clapping:

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  • 3 weeks later...

Supposed to go to him on Tuesday. I'm so anxious. I do not understand why I have this obsession with therapy itself. I have this very entrenched idea that I can do it better on my own, it's just a matter of starting and staying consistent. However, I only "started" once in the past year and eventually caved to compulsions, probably after 4 or 5 days (or even less) and since then have been trying to start but always some really bad obsession was stopping me.

This is the main reason I wanted to go to therapy, because I have trouble even getting started ignoring compulsions on my own - I'm always pushing it off until later.

Yet somehow I act as if I decided not to go on Tuesday I would get started on my own. I don't know what the deal is - I feel so anxious right now about going to him because it feels "wrong." I guess I have to understand this whole thing with therapy vs. self-help is just another obsession and I need to treat it that way. I don't have anything to lose by going to this guy for a few months and just doing what he says.

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4 hours ago, Ryukil said:

I'm going to go on Tuesday, but why do I have this idea in my mind that therapy is "wrong"? It's unusual. Many just go to therapy and do what the person says.

Hey Ryukil, it's great that you kept your appointment! I hope it all goes well. I don't think it's that unusual to feel "wrong" about therapy. I kind of feel the same way, it's just OCD making you doubt things. 

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On 15/09/2019 at 02:28, Ryukil said:

I'm going to go on Tuesday, but why do I have this idea in my mind that therapy is "wrong"? It's unusual.

It is unfortunately still not unusual in society to think that therapy is "wrong".  There are many who still hold this view.  Some because they think it means admitting you aren't "tough" or "strong" enough.  Others because they don't believe mental health issues really exist.  Still others because they are skeptical of medicine in general.  When I was first diagnosed with OCD I didn't want to take medication because I thought it was only for "crazy" people and I didn't want to be crazy.  I came around and medication (and therapy) made a huge difference in my life.  

Aside from those outside, societal, reasons why you might think therapy is "wrong", it could be OCD itself at play, feeding you doubt and anxiety about something new and different.

In either case the truth is that therapy is a tool, a valuable tool, and one you have every right to use to better your life.  You owe it to yourself and your future to do what you can to get control of your OCD and improve things.  You deserve happiness and not to continue suffering.  Therapy won't make things magically better, but it does offer a path to improvement.  I hope you will follow that path!

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