(First Post) Thank-you to everyone on this forum.

[SStudderz]

Hi all, hope you're all having a wonderful bank holiday whatever it is you're doing I however am taking an introverted approach and just chilling and if you're reading this I thank you for taking your time out to read my first post on this forum and giving it some notice. I've taken some time out to read others experiences relating to OCD and other mental illnesses, knowing that I am not alone and gaining more insight to a really important topic and by reading other people's stories, by doing this I find that I'm learning more about myself as well. Some made me laugh, some made me cry. But thankyou nonetheless. What a great, lovely bunch of people. 

Just to add a little context, I'm a 21 year old male, recently come to terms with the fact I have OCD. As well as this I also have GAD, major depression and an eating disorder. 

Not getting into too much detail about the discovery of my OCD. Although rather impactful, it in some way has helped me knowing that there is a reason I am the way I am. I'm aware to not use the term 'Pure O' as it's not a medically used term and it is exactly the same as the more commonly known OCD subtypes. My compulsions are mainly in the mind. The themes are around harm, pedophilia, relationships, sexuality, existential, incest, depression and unfortunately the list goes on with various different themes. I've been having these thoughts for what it seems almost all my life. I always thought there was something wrong with me. When I was around 15/16, when I got into a conversation with a friend about mental illnesses. I knew from then on what I had to do, I had to diagnose myself with whatever it is that is wrong with me and I had to then give myself CBT before I get thrown in a loony bin or reported to the police as a danger or even worse, before I could act on them thoughts. For 6 years, that has been my mission. I thought, my intrusive thoughts were a part of me just waiting to burst out at any random moment. I thought that someday I'm going to wake up, something would switch in my brain and I would either black out and forget what I had done or even more frighteningly, actually be completely aware and actually taking pleasure in said scenarios based around my intrusive thoughts. I thought I had a monster, living inside me, just waiting for its perfect time to attack. I wouldn't know it until I knew it.

I have lived (and still live) in complete fear that I am my thoughts and they are a tremendous flaw in my personality. I guess I'm still yet to convince myself that it is true but as you all know, you have your ups and downs with this ever so painful disorder. It has been difficult to me, as Im coming to terms with having OCD, I am currently piecing together all my symptoms and all the intrusive thoughts I've ever had throughout my life. It's like they've all come back at me and I'm in a bit of a pickle. But, I will be getting help very soon, just waiting to find a specialist in OCD and CBT in the Sheffield area and I will be making steps to make my life manageable again as I seemed to of gone off the rails after some family related issues and the breakdown of my relationship with my amazing ex girlfriend. And I am hopeful, even though I am actually scared. And admitting to being scared is something I've never done, even though scared is what I've been all my life. However, opening up to my loved ones about my thoughts, I have received nothing but love, support and compassion and honestly... That's what I was most scared of, their reaction to my thoughts, and in that moment I knew that I had lived in fear for too long. They're heartbroken I'm going through this and have been for a long time, but only because they see me for what I don't. A normal, human being. Just like everyone else on this forum, or reading the forum. You're all normal, at least to us. And take comfort in that as did I when I came across these posts. 

There's a lyric that I've always been attached to, by a band called Meshuggah (shout out to all metal heads on this forum) and I'd love to share it. 

'The struggle to free myself from restraints, becomes my very shackles.' 

I hope that whoever reads this post, whether youre someone who has been diagnosed with OCD for years or someone who is finding answers. Please know you're not alone in this. And it will and can get better because ultimately you deserve it and you ought to have the drive to go out there and do it. Because you are not your thoughts. You know what you are, just look a little deeper, and you'll see you for the beautiful person you are, because all you're doing and all I'm doing, is our own disorderly way of protecting us from the things we fear the most. 

Have a good one guys. Enjoy the glorious weather. Thankyou so much. 

[Andrea]

Hi SStudderz ,

 welcome to the forums

Great post, I am glad you will be getting help very soon 

OCD-UK forum is a place you can find great advise. 

 

 

[Gemma7]

Hi Studderz, welcome to the forum

It was a really nice post. It's great to hear the forum has helped you in some way I hope you manage to get to see a specialist soon and I really recommend the self-help book Break free from OCD in the mean time

 

[SStudderz]

Thankyou Gemma and Andrea for welcoming me to the forum

I'll take a look at the self help book you mentioned Gemma and I'll let you know what I think thankyou  

Hope you're both having a lovely day.