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I feel like I am going insane (again) I want to stop it all and the only way I can I feel currently is to end it but I have children and they are the only thing keeping me going, just got back from holiday which is always a trigger for my OCD some call it pure O. I have suffered with this for over 10 years been in and out of therapy and basically all my ruminations are usually around past events, so things that have happened but my brain twists them, for example it has taken me 10 years to realise I am not a murderer (past altercation with a child when I was a child got twisted into murder thought).

It took 7 years for my brain to exaggerate this incident to this level. I always have what I call manageable OCD inbetween the really awful ones, weight related etc etc.

 

Now again over a year after this new incident I am not able to stop thinking about something I have done, this is made more worrying as it was a sexual role play scenario with my ex which I feel inappropriate about even though no one else was involved apart from 2 consensual adults. I cannot switch by brain off with this thought, I am wondering if I do have something to feel guilty about, and whether this is a just feeling to have, although deep down it must be OCD or why would I care, it didn't bother me at the time but now my brain has taken me out of context I cant cope. 

I am not a bad person and would never hurt anyone but I feel like the worst person in the world and I'm genuinely concerned if the thought doesn't stop I don't know what to do. 

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Hi there banethethoughts, sorry to hear you're going through a bit of a rough patch. 

Just going to keep it short and sweet. No matter what it was that you did with your ex partner. As long as it was fully consensual on both parties then there is absolutely nothing wrong with engaging in sexual intercourse, even if it is revolving around a taboo subject. Lots of people enjoy taboo and it doesn't mean reality. Fantasy is not real. Neither are your thoughts. Don't give them that much credibility, there's some past experiences I've had that have made me question what I was thinking at the time. But, not everything requires you to think. If you're not into something you've done in the past then you never have to revisit it, that's if you don't want to at least. And if you do, so what. Like I said before, as long as it's consensual - who on earth cares? 

Do yourself a favour and stop punishing yourself for not being into something you and your ex did in the past. The past belongs in the past and past you shouldn't control 'present you'. Present you does control future you. So do future you a favour too and start making yourself feel better. You deserve it ?

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49 minutes ago, SStudderz said:

Hi there banethethoughts, sorry to hear you're going through a bit of a rough patch. 

Just going to keep it short and sweet. No matter what it was that you did with your ex partner. As long as it was fully consensual on both parties then there is absolutely nothing wrong with engaging in sexual intercourse, even if it is revolving around a taboo subject. Lots of people enjoy taboo and it doesn't mean reality. Fantasy is not real. Neither are your thoughts. Don't give them that much credibility, there's some past experiences I've had that have made me question what I was thinking at the time. But, not everything requires you to think. If you're not into something you've done in the past then you never have to revisit it, that's if you don't want to at least. And if you do, so what. Like I said before, as long as it's consensual - who on earth cares? 

Do yourself a favour and stop punishing yourself for not being into something you and your ex did in the past. The past belongs in the past and past you shouldn't control 'present you'. Present you does control future you. So do future you a favour too and start making yourself feel better. You deserve it ?

Thank you so much for this, my logical head knows I haven't hurt anyone but the OCD part of me keeps running it through my mind over and over (what if this had happened, why was it enjoyable, why when we were together did we push more boundaries than usual) I know all the answers of course but my head trying to analyse this 24/7 is tearing me up at the moment, I am going to call the doctor tomorrow. And yes fantasy and my thoughts are not real you're right, I think the disturbing element of this for me at the moment is the sexual aspect of enjoyment. I really need to go through therapy again, my head feels so ****** up and I feel my whole life has been wasted with these stupid ruminations.

Thank you so much for replying 

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37 minutes ago, banthethoughts said:

Thank you so much for this, my logical head knows I haven't hurt anyone but the OCD part of me keeps running it through my mind over and over (what if this had happened, why was it enjoyable, why when we were together did we push more boundaries than usual) I know all the answers of course but my head trying to analyse this 24/7 is tearing me up at the moment, I am going to call the doctor tomorrow. And yes fantasy and my thoughts are not real you're right, I think the disturbing element of this for me at the moment is the sexual aspect of enjoyment. I really need to go through therapy again, my head feels so ****** up and I feel my whole life has been wasted with these stupid ruminations.

Thank you so much for replying 

I was having this conversation with a friend of mine today. OCD is the constant fight between distortion and logic. 

Im really sorry you're torn up in this vicious circle. If going to the doctor's will make you feel better then seek help. nothing wrong with a little help we do need it bless us ?

Will you be going there to seek medication for your OCD or maybe therapy? That's if you don't mind answering anyway. 

As you said you weren't bothered at the time. Maybe you enjoyed it and now you don't? I used to enjoy things in the bedroom that now I don't because of past experiences and memories related to it as well. I just think that when you're in a relationship, you're almost blended together with one brain after a while, you sort of let a bit of yourself go and let the other person fill the gaps. What I mean is that you probably weren't 100% yourself because you were with someone. And they're an ex for a reason, so clearly you were mismatched and now, years later, you're a completely different person, with new experiences and the thought of going back to it makes you uncomfortable. Fair enough. I don't blame ya, neither would anyone else. 

Just laugh it off, easier said than done mind, I understand. Give yourself some credit and go and do something relaxing to take your mind off it. You more than deserve it, no point beating yourself up for something silly you did with an ex. Ex's belong in the past for a reason. 

You're very welcome, were all in this. We can help eachother. Sending my love. 

SStudderz

Edited by SStudderz
Missed a bit
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15 minutes ago, SStudderz said:

I was having this conversation with a friend of mine today. OCD is the constant fight between distortion and logic. 

Im really sorry you're torn up in this vicious circle. If going to the doctor's will make you feel better then seek help. nothing wrong with a little help we do need it bless us ?

Will you be going there to seek medication for your OCD or maybe therapy? That's if you don't mind answering anyway. 

As you said you weren't bothered at the time. Maybe you enjoyed it and now you don't? I used to enjoy things in the bedroom that now I don't because of past experiences and memories related to it as well. I just think that when you're in a relationship, you're almost blended together with one brain after a while, you sort of let a bit of yourself go and let the other person fill the gaps. What I mean is that you probably weren't 100% yourself because you were with someone. And they're an ex for a reason, so clearly you were mismatched and now, years later, you're a completely different person, with new experiences and the thought of going back to it makes you uncomfortable. Fair enough. I don't blame ya, neither would anyone else. 

Just laugh it off, easier said than done mind, I understand. Give yourself some credit and go and do something relaxing to take your mind off it. You more than deserve it, no point beating yourself up for something silly you did with an ex. Ex's belong in the past for a reason. 

You're very welcome, were all in this. We can help eachother. Sending my love. 

SStudderz

Thanks again for the reply. 

 

Mix of therapy and drugs this time I think, normally on a combination have been throughout my life but only turn to the meds when I find it really hard going, and this one I am, and why does it annoys me, I was ok with it at the time, why has it turned into this thought years later ? It was the same with my murder one and that took ages to settle, 10 years I'D say. Just frustrating feeling like I am wasting my life and don't have anyone to talk to so you have been very helpful, thanks. x

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Why do you end up going off the medication? Do you feel as if you don't need it anymore? Or is it more of a moralistic standpoint? Do you not like the idea of it?

Ive been skeptical in the past however now I feel I need it. And I think I'm okay with being on it for the rest of my life as well, that's if it helps which I'm sure it will as OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Its like asking someone with diabetes to make insulin without a shot. But extreme but only an example I can think of. 

The murder one I can relate to. I have one but child molestation. Not one I like to think of at all hahah. Currently fighting through that. 

From my understanding, this is what OCD is, it latches onto things that you don't find pleasant. Something egodystonic.  The fact it's egodystonic is the reason that you're latching on so much. You don't like it, it's not part of who you are and it worries you that you were into something else at some other point in your life. My homosexual OCD Led me to try things with another male. During I was terrified, certainly not aroused and to make it more confusing, I couldn't stop thinking of killing him afterwards. Even though it wasnt his fault. 

My OCD latches onto that because that isnt what I am. I am straight and the thought that I wanted to try that at some point makes me feel horrid sometimes. Even before my realisation about my OCD, I forgave myself for seeking this as I genuinely was curious. It was OCD curious and terrifying and non pleasurable. But curious nonetheless. And that's probably all you were as well. 

Don't beat yourself up, we all do things that we're not necessarily proud of. Accept you, for who you are now. Because you seem very nice and I'm sure you don't deserve any of this. 

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12 hours ago, banthethoughts said:

I feel like I am going insane (again) I want to stop it all and the only way I can I feel currently is to end it but I have children and they are the only thing keeping me going, just got back from holiday which is always a trigger for my OCD some call it pure O. I have suffered with this for over 10 years been in and out of therapy and basically all my ruminations are usually around past events, so things that have happened but my brain twists them, for example it has taken me 10 years to realise I am not a murderer (past altercation with a child when I was a child got twisted into murder thought).

It took 7 years for my brain to exaggerate this incident to this level. I always have what I call manageable OCD inbetween the really awful ones, weight related etc etc.

 

Now again over a year after this new incident I am not able to stop thinking about something I have done, this is made more worrying as it was a sexual role play scenario with my ex which I feel inappropriate about even though no one else was involved apart from 2 consensual adults. I cannot switch by brain off with this thought, I am wondering if I do have something to feel guilty about, and whether this is a just feeling to have, although deep down it must be OCD or why would I care, it didn't bother me at the time but now my brain has taken me out of context I cant cope. 

I am not a bad person and would never hurt anyone but I feel like the worst person in the world and I'm genuinely concerned if the thought doesn't stop I don't know what to do. 

And there's your major OCD tell. You've been through major 'spikes' ... obsessions before. Treat accordingly.

Wishing you the best. 

Edited by paradoxer
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12 hours ago, SStudderz said:

Why do you end up going off the medication? Do you feel as if you don't need it anymore? Or is it more of a moralistic standpoint? Do you not like the idea of it?

Ive been skeptical in the past however now I feel I need it. And I think I'm okay with being on it for the rest of my life as well, that's if it helps which I'm sure it will as OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Its like asking someone with diabetes to make insulin without a shot. But extreme but only an example I can think of. 

The murder one I can relate to. I have one but child molestation. Not one I like to think of at all hahah. Currently fighting through that. 

From my understanding, this is what OCD is, it latches onto things that you don't find pleasant. Something egodystonic.  The fact it's egodystonic is the reason that you're latching on so much. You don't like it, it's not part of who you are and it worries you that you were into something else at some other point in your life. My homosexual OCD Led me to try things with another male. During I was terrified, certainly not aroused and to make it more confusing, I couldn't stop thinking of killing him afterwards. Even though it wasnt his fault. 

My OCD latches onto that because that isnt what I am. I am straight and the thought that I wanted to try that at some point makes me feel horrid sometimes. Even before my realisation about my OCD, I forgave myself for seeking this as I genuinely was curious. It was OCD curious and terrifying and non pleasurable. But curious nonetheless. And that's probably all you were as well. 

Don't beat yourself up, we all do things that we're not necessarily proud of. Accept you, for who you are now. Because you seem very nice and I'm sure you don't deserve any of this. 

Thank you 

I was on meds for years and have done well managing without for a good few years now, I'd rather not take them but I am desperate at this point, made my doctors appointment as I woke up in tears this morning it was the first thing on my mind. 

There is nothing wrong with experimenting in the bedroom is what I's say to you and I realise how stupid that sounds given I am worrying about the same thing. You didn't enjoy it but it also answered your curiosity, no one was hurt and lots of people experiment. Don't be so hard on yourself!

But I did enjoy it and think I still do as a fantasy on a solo level so that is making me feel bad, but in these scenarios' it is only me being hurt no one else so I don't know why it is grating on me so much. Even if it was about hurting someone else then it isn't a reality anyway, I am fully confident I would never hurt another person. It makes me worried about what other people would think about me being aroused by that thought.

Just out of curiosity how long did it take for the OCD to latch on to the experience? Mine takes years and if it was so wrong surely I would have felt so at the time. 

Have you spoken to a doctor about medication? It is worth looking into if you feel you need it. 

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One of the things you have to do is not use things that raise anxiety & do things that can make it less. 

That means no nicotine, caffeine, meth, Ritalin, alcohol, etc. Then add lots of sleep, eating properly & exercise. Meds won’t cure OCD. There is much research that it’s not a chemical imbalance but drug comps want it be so they can make $ on pushing SSRIs. No drug can change thoughts or actions just mute anxiety. So it comes back if you don’t take them. 

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I don't like your thinly veiled shaming of people who have better or significantly better lives because of meds. You don't like them? Fine. Don't take them. But stop with this anti-med campaign. None of us push them, so maybe you can lay off telling people not to take them.

Edited by PolarBear
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9 hours ago, Handy said:

One of the things you have to do is not use things that raise anxiety & do things that can make it less. 

That means no nicotine, caffeine, meth, Ritalin, alcohol, etc. Then add lots of sleep, eating properly & exercise. Meds won’t cure OCD. There is much research that it’s not a chemical imbalance but drug comps want it be so they can make $ on pushing SSRIs. No drug can change thoughts or actions just mute anxiety. So it comes back if you don’t take them. 

I think it is down to the individual, I spent around 5 years on meds with therapy, decided I didn't want meds anymore, I started marathon and ultra running I have a healthy diet as well and found that for a time this has helped, but at my very worse times, although I'd rather not take medication I never rule it out. I haven't been on medication for around 7 years and it isn't ideal to go back to it given my lifestyle and some of the side effects but I am feeling increasingly desperate now. I think whatever someone is comfortable and happy with that is the right thing for them to do. 

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On 28/08/2019 at 10:37, banthethoughts said:

Thank you 

I was on meds for years and have done well managing without for a good few years now, I'd rather not take them but I am desperate at this point, made my doctors appointment as I woke up in tears this morning it was the first thing on my mind. 

There is nothing wrong with experimenting in the bedroom is what I's say to you and I realise how stupid that sounds given I am worrying about the same thing. You didn't enjoy it but it also answered your curiosity, no one was hurt and lots of people experiment. Don't be so hard on yourself!

But I did enjoy it and think I still do as a fantasy on a solo level so that is making me feel bad, but in these scenarios' it is only me being hurt no one else so I don't know why it is grating on me so much. Even if it was about hurting someone else then it isn't a reality anyway, I am fully confident I would never hurt another person. It makes me worried about what other people would think about me being aroused by that thought.

Just out of curiosity how long did it take for the OCD to latch on to the experience? Mine takes years and if it was so wrong surely I would have felt so at the time. 

Have you spoken to a doctor about medication? It is worth looking into if you feel you need it. 

 

Hello I'm sorry for the slow reply I was a little busy yesterday. I hope you're feeling a little better. Did u go to the doctor's in the end?

I think that the reason why we're both fixating on this past experience is because we are questioning our identity because of it. What does it mean to other people that I'm in to this? What does this say about myself? Why did I do that? Did I enjoy it? What do other people think of me? If I did enjoy it ,what does that make me?

Well the homosexual OCD for me latched onto an experience I had when I was a child, that latched on when I was about 11 and it hasn't gone away since. When I had my experience, I told myself that I liked it, that I must of liked it otherwise I wouldn't of thought about it or actually go ahead with it. 

As for medication, I'll be starting on them as soon as possible. 

Hope you're feeling a little better today

 

SStudderz 

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21 hours ago, SStudderz said:

 

Hello I'm sorry for the slow reply I was a little busy yesterday. I hope you're feeling a little better. Did u go to the doctor's in the end?

I think that the reason why we're both fixating on this past experience is because we are questioning our identity because of it. What does it mean to other people that I'm in to this? What does this say about myself? Why did I do that? Did I enjoy it? What do other people think of me? If I did enjoy it ,what does that make me?

Well the homosexual OCD for me latched onto an experience I had when I was a child, that latched on when I was about 11 and it hasn't gone away since. When I had my experience, I told myself that I liked it, that I must of liked it otherwise I wouldn't of thought about it or actually go ahead with it. 

As for medication, I'll be starting on them as soon as possible. 

Hope you're feeling a little better today

 

SStudderz 

Thank you,

 

Hope I can distract myself soon but I am stuck ruminating and researching. Should be working :(

I have an appointment but the soonest they could get me in is next week. I want to find something to numb me, I feel like there is no way out, end it all and I don't think I can do that to the children or carry on unhappy until the day I die probably thinking the same ****. 

Sorry depressing rant, just cant see a way out.

Hope you have a good day x

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