Not a very good day

[Closed for repairs]

It seem like everything I do today is being grabbed by my OCD.

I'm trying to do a simple mechanical job and it's taking ages. This I'm expecting, as I'm trying to sit out some of my checking until my brain settles.

Thing is it's being sneaky, and I'm having to really work hard at not coming up with new things to check and fret over. I really want to get a paper towel out of the bin at the moment, it's not too hard because it's a new thing worrying about bins catching fire.

I'm not after reassuring, I know the score.

Just having a moan

The real problem is going to be getting off site, I can sit here all day ignoring stuff, but as soon as it's time to go I panic.

[Gemma7]

Hi closed for repairs

Sorry to hear you're struggling, are you getting any help for your OCD? 

[Closed for repairs]

@Gemma7

Thanks,

I'm on Fluoxetine, that helps me be ok when I'm ok, and on the waiting list for face to face CBT.

I'm doing the Silvercloud online therapy, while I'm waiting.

Plus the usual books.

[Gemma7]

I'm glad you've got a few things to support you while you wait. Just keep using the tools you've learnt so far and I hope your therapy starts soon

[banthethoughts]

Hope you feel better soon 

[Closed for repairs]

I feel so useless and guilty, I can't do my job properly, and get panicked at the thought of it,  I don't want to be here, I just want to go home go to bed and stay there till it all goes away.

[PolarBear]

It won't go away if you stay in bed. OCD eill be your constant companion unyil you learn to change your thinking snd behavior. 

[Closed for repairs]

19 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

It won't go away if you stay in bed. OCD eill be your constant companion unyil you learn to change your thinking snd behavior. 

Yeah I know,  ( I can't work out how to write that with the air of a man resignedly getting out of bed)

Thanks it's appreciated.

[PolarBear]

[Closed for repairs]

So got a call today that a contractor had left a cupboard unlocked.

I've been ok for a few weeks, hanging round the office and looking after one leaky gearbox. So I say I'll go it's only a door.....

It's taken two hours....

I've opened and closed that door dozens of times fixed about with things in the control cabinet, switched lights in and off, gone back twice, thrown up my dinner, and hidden in a plant room for a bit of a cry.

I'm just about over it now after sitting, a long way off and letting my mind wander.

But I've still got a long way to go.

If you're suffering, today, you have my sympathies, you gave to believe it's going to get better.

[Closed for repairs]

But I'm just so tired..

[Gemma7]

OCD is so tiring, i feel for you. Remember you are not alone

[Closed for repairs]

And yes I know it's the OCD, I know im doing compulsions to gain reassurance, and yes I know its not working, I just can't stop, and It makes me feel so stupid.

I'm nearly fifty with a responsible job and I can't trust myself to lock up a cupboard.

 

[Closed for repairs]

Thanks Gemma, it's just been one of those days..

[Gemma7]

6 minutes ago, Closed for repairs said:

And yes I know it's the OCD, I know im doing compulsions to gain reassurance, and yes I know its not working, I just can't stop, and It makes me feel so stupid.

You're definitely not stupid Closed. This disorder is really hard to fight on your own, that's why people don't just get over it. Don't be hard on yourself, everyone with OCD gives in to compulsions at some point x

[Closed for repairs]

Well this has been a "fun" week

I've been trying to do my ERP, work  and apart from various "admin" issues, it's been tricky finding a balance between too easy, and can't do that at gunpoint.

It also seems to tee me up for new intrusive thoughts, and as well as dealing with the ERP, I have to get a hold of not doing new compulsions.

I've been trying to do normal work, but its taken me two days to be "happy" with the oil level in a gearbox.

Now the roof of my plantroom is leaking in two places and I've only got one bucket, what ever drip i put it under OCD says it's the wrong one.

I've found a tray but it's smaller than the bucket, so still a choice.

Every one else has gone home or given up for the day.

OCD wants me to sit here all weekend making sure the bucket won't over flow.

In not going to  but it means a miserable weekend worrying about it.

I've been in a state all week, I've got elderly parents trouble at home, my Dad's car needs looking at, there is an ancient electrical heater, that needs replacing, but on the quiet so it doesn't provoke a row.

I'm sure it will all work out in the end, but it's so tiring.

[Closed for repairs]

On a lighter note I spent ages tracking down an electronic noise, and it turns out its the ringing in my ears that my meds cause.

I just need an hilarious misunderstanding involving my boss and a dating app, and my life will have gone full sitcom.

[Closed for repairs]

Well, the last few days have been "fun".

Friday afternoon, and I was just thinking, how well things were going, when the bit of plant I was sitting next to, decide to break down, I called the office and they said that no one was available to help me, and I should either leave it or shut it down safely.

Well that's just great, I'm not supposed to be working alone at the moment, but I can't leave the plant in unsafe condition, and I'm going to struggle to do all the safety checks without going off the deep end.

Phoned my lift and was basically told that if I wasn't ready to go I'd be left behind.

So I wasted an hour panicking.

Then got my head together and shut it all down.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning and I'm told to go and switch it all back on and see if it runs and if it does leave it alone.

I've already spent all weekend worrying about it, but at least it was switched off.

Now I've got to take responsibility for switching it on again.

My ERP work has just about covered turning a light off, I could do with out this.

I'm only really posting do I can read it back and hope it looks like I'm being stupid.

[BM94]

2 hours ago, Closed for repairs said:

Well, the last few days have been "fun".

Yeah I've had a few wobbles over the last few days too...

The fact that we say we're doing much better but then have a few wobbles lately is one step back and like.. still 3 big steps forward right?.. I ain't never been good at Maths (or English apparently!) but I calculate that at this pace, we'll be fully cured of OCD in approx. several hundred years! XD

2 hours ago, Closed for repairs said:

Then got my head together and shut it all down.

Definitely should take the positives from that too!

B

[Closed for repairs]

1 hour ago, BM94 said:

but I calculate that at this pace, we'll be fully cured of OCD in approx. several hundred years! XD

I might be at the top of the waiting list by then 

[Closed for repairs]

So less of a cry for help,( I know what I'm supposed to be doing), more of a solidarity post for anyone in the trenches.

My online Therapy finished, and I'm still waiting for face to face, therapy, (another 6 months at least).

So I'm hitting the books and going DIY, 

I'm trying to have measurable goals, but all I seem to be measuring is staying still 

I'm not having panic attacks but that's due to heavy avoidance.

I seem to be getting more and more low level compulsions, that are hemming  me in.

I've got an ever changing hierarchy, but I'm trying to do my ERP work, trouble is at the moment all the charts and work sheets and a/b comparisons, seem to be just another compulsion,  and sometimes the ERP stuff leads me to check stuff more often.

Obviously I'm ignoring all the advice I get on here, including stuff I have posted!

Not on purpose but because it's hard, and I'm very tired.

So this is just to say if you're suffering,  I sympathize, you are not alone.

 

Edited January 29, 2020 by Closed for repairs

[Closed for repairs]

I've got my gearbox into, the position where it's perfectly reasonable to leave it for at least a week, and I'm determined not to check it till next Wednesday, I haven't actually managed this in over a month of trying. But now I find I have spent ages on my hands and knees In oil in the dark looking for paper towels I know aren't there, (just to be on the safe side), I've also taken over 80 pictures of the absence of paper towels. Never mind the rabbit hole I'm playing chess with the red Queen.

Thing is I like to make out that my problems aren't so bad, it's just some checking, no big deal, but I have so much check and u have to do it so many times, and I'm so tired.

And this is just one bit of plant, we look after 300 odd units all with similar problems, there's only 3 of us, and I'm not pulling my weight, which makes me feel so guilty.

I'm ashamed of myself for making such a meal of everything.

I some times wonder if anyone noticed I'm still here.

I come in in the morning, go on site and babysit my plant, go to lunch go home, Once a month I hope and see the nice lady at staff concealing, once a month I go to occy health, once a month I go to the Doc's for a check in. Apart from that no one takes any notice.

 

Edited January 29, 2020 by Closed for repairs

[GreyCat]

I know this will not offer much support but I would be happy if no one would take any notice of me. My checking is so severe at the moment including the terrible mood changes that everyone notices. They don't know what exactly is wrong so  I'm just the freak for them. As I said no good advice since I'm terribly caught in the checking cycle myself at the moment. I'm also very tired. For me the exposure hierarchy doesn't work, it's rather a "domino effect": after the first check I'm doomed no matter what. Sorry for not having any advice - but please let me know when you've found a way out.

[PolarBear]

The way out, Grey, is to stop your compulsions. You can do exposures later. You can start not doing compulsions now.

You said once you've done the first check you're doomed. I get that. The solution is really simple. Don't do that first check.

It's hard. It's really hard. But it's the only way out of this.

[dksea]

9 hours ago, Closed for repairs said:

I've got an ever changing hierarchy, but I'm trying to do my ERP work, trouble is at the moment all the charts and work sheets and a/b comparisons, seem to be just another compulsion,  and sometimes the ERP stuff leads me to check stuff more often.

Time to set some limits.  If you are going to do these exercises you need to limit when and how often you do them.  You need hard lines.  Same is true for your checking, you need to set a limit and stick to that limit, no matter how anxious you feel.  As you get better you lower that limit, and work towards not needing to check at all (or if its actually necessary doing it the appropriate number of times, 1-2 at most probably).
It IS going to feel uncomfortable, you have to be stubborn and push through that.

And I agree with PB that maybe this means the ERP is too much for you right now, either your goals for ERP are a little too aggressive or you need to be in a more stable position to take it on compulsion wise.  Remember, OCD recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.