Coming to terms/Attaching importance to thoughts

[Cub]

Hi y'all

Oh boy. Oh boy. This is a tough one to write. I've got Endeavour playing in the background as a kind of coping mechanism.

So...a lot of you know that I've been haunted and riddled with guilt over the past eight years or so over a 'bad thought' I had as a student. It completely brought me to my knees with guilt and grief as I thought I had committed the unforgivable sin and was scared that God didn't love me anymore. More than that, I was riddled with guilt because I had allowed myself to have the thought, just to have something to worry about and felt I deserved the pain and the guilt and would therefore worry the rest of my life. It made me depressed and suicidal and even though my GP told me I put a lot of pressure on myself, I couldn't stop going over all of it in my head, checking if I was doing the right thing, if I could try harder, if there was stuff I could cut out of my life to try and make amends. 

This week, when studying some theology as part of my curiousity on another matter, I realised what I was looking for. And now it's like I've finally come to my senses.

I just feel...oh my goodness right now. I don't feel relieved as such, but I feel very overwhelmed and afraid because I am terrified of myself. Of what I'm like; this constant need to worry. I am so scared that I'll harm somebody, or do something else that's bad. I just feel like I spent a long time worrying about something and I know, I know I'm obsessive-compulsive and shouldn't be so hard on myself. I can't help that; there's a lot I can do to help myself, but the shame deep in my soul makes me feel bad. I heard voices in my head, had a tight chest, couldn't sleep and kept crying, feeling that redemption was well beyond my reach. 

I don't know what to think now. I'm scared that this perchant for worry is going to get me into difficult situations as life goes on; I guess I'm just so used to having something to fight against. I'm used to fighting a battle for my happiness but now it's like I've sidestepped and stepped out of the cycle myself. I'm glad for it, but still. All those wasted years of worry and deep thought. But perhaps that's obsessiveness for you, and the need to carry out compulsions that's part and parcel of the disorder. So maybe I should blame myself a little less. 

Oh man, I feel really vulnerable right now. I just want to distract myself away from this and keep busy. I know our twenties are difficult times and there were other things going on as well which didn't help - trying to get a job which caused tension with my parents as my Mum and I were screaming at each other; trying to get through my final year at Uni; my Mum's death and coping with that; dealing with the subsequent loneliness and having trouble fitting in. I know we all have emotional and mental trouble at the end of the day but I feel like such a fool, and such an idiot. 

Could I please have a hug?

C x

 

[malina]

Hey Cub,

gosh I can relate to a lot of this. There is no need to feel ashamed or foolish. What do you have to be ashamed of? Being anxious? You didn't ask for this disorder and you're just dealing with what you've been given. I've been exactly like this my entire life too, ALWAYS worrying about something to the extent that feeling happy just doesn't feel right. Then one day something bad happened and I regretted all the years I had wasted worrying and feeling bad, I vowed to change and not be that way anymore, except I couldn't change and I continued to worry. You can't just turn it off, it's not easy to do but you can work on it and, over time, you will become stronger and stronger. Head up, there is so much ahead of you, forget the past and work on the future. 

[paradoxer]

Wishing you the best.

OT, Endeavour's just got better and better, the actor's really grown into the role. And Detective Thursday is great. I'm an old guy, so I remember the zeitgeist. (Originally from Blighty.) 

[Cub]

Thankyou so much for the good thoughts and encouragement, Maline and paradoxer. It was lovely to know I wasn't alone in this and I guess I've come this far. I do feel a fair bit better, for the moment at least and I'm good at distracting myself and keeping busy for the time-being. I have holiday time coming up soon and I'm trying to branch out a bit; I'm attending a picnic on Saturday that I'm rather nervous about. But it's nice to know I have things to do. I guess you do just get used to feeling anxious, but it's important to give yourself a break. I'm trying to remember that for myself. 

And yes, Endeavour is amazing. Shaun Evans...*purrs*  

Thanks, y'all. 

C x

[malina]

6 hours ago, Cub said:

Thankyou so much for the good thoughts and encouragement, Maline and paradoxer. It was lovely to know I wasn't alone in this and I guess I've come this far. I do feel a fair bit better, for the moment at least and I'm good at distracting myself and keeping busy for the time-being. I have holiday time coming up soon and I'm trying to branch out a bit; I'm attending a picnic on Saturday that I'm rather nervous about. But it's nice to know I have things to do. I guess you do just get used to feeling anxious, but it's important to give yourself a break. I'm trying to remember that for myself. 

And yes, Endeavour is amazing. Shaun Evans...*purrs*  

Thanks, y'all. 

C x

You're not alone, Cub. I think most of us have been there. Having a disorder like this can really get you down about yourself but you shouldn't let it, you're dealing with the same problems as everyone else plus an added mental health issue on top of it all. Be proud of all the things you've done in spite of this xx

[Cub]

Thanks Malina

I guess that things just...feel so much better than they were? Yesterday marked two years since I left my old job in Cardiff and I was so unhappy there, dealing with so much mental pressure I put on myself and yet not really dealing with it properly. Looking back, I realise I tried to bury it - that and the sad truth is, I'm just so used to worrying about things that not to worry seems strange and alien to me. Maybe that was the problem. 

I'm deeply introspective and this brings a whole new wave of problems because I'm always very aware of what I'm thinking and feeling. I struggle at work if they put me on a quiet shift because I try and keep myself occupied with positive thoughts to stop the negative ones, or attempt to distract myself as best I can. I think I've lost the art of distracting myself somewhat. In short, I think I'm just a bit of a mess. Less of a mess than I used to be, but I think I would just like to look after myself for a little while and come to terms with it all. I guess I shouldn't blame myself too much and there are other factors to consider, but I still feel guilty at the time wasted. Then again, that's the nature of OCD for you. I'm so used to a worrisome life, but I'm scared of myself and I'm scared of self-sabotage. 

Oh well. Onwards and upwards, I suppose. 

C x