Jump to content

Back in the OCD spiral


Recommended Posts

Hope you're all doing well.

I have no real goal or question with this post – I guess just venting, to get it out of my head?

I've suffered from OCD since I was a teenager. I had some really good CBT a few years ago and for the last five years have of course suffered from intrusive thoughts, but I have consistently been able to apply my training before it "consumed" me.

Now, I can't seem to do what I need to do: allow the thoughts to exist but not engage with them.

I had my divorce hearing two weeks ago, my husband has reappeared out of the woodwork after six months, threatening to object to the divorce, telling me he moved into my neighbourhood. Someone's ringing my doorbell at night. Lots of stress. Maybe that's left me vulnerable.

At first, I became obsessed with deciding whether I should talk to him again. Circular thoughts.

Then, my old friend, health obsessions, returned, and I returned to my other old friend: Google. Everyday I have a new symptom of liver disease (I drink a fair amount). I've become obsessed with the idea that I've ruined my liver. One day, I think my hair is falling out. Then I decide it isn't, based on self assessment tests online. The next day, I feel itchy all over, after having read about that symptom online. Then I suddenly don't itch, and I have a headache. Then I'm not hungry anymore. Then I think I have a fever, and measure my temperature every few minutes. When it shows I don't have a fever, all the sudden I realise I have a bruise. Am I bruising easily because I have AIDS? A few minutes later, I have an itch "down there". My husband must have given me genital herpes. Today, I feel like maybe one of my teeth is falling out.

Then I realised I was in a spiral. I started taking my SSRI again three days ago, after years off it. This causes more symptoms – tiredness, sweaty palms, dry mouth. It's like my body is this minefield of obsessions. Every day it feels like I'm dying in some other unique way.

I know, deep down, the issue is not whether I have XYZ disease or infection. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. 

But what I'm feeling now, and the symptoms I'm experiencing, they all started when I began googling. I know I need to get off WebMD and stop trying to rationalize or assure myself that I am fine. I need to stop debating whether to go to the doctor or not. Whatever a doctor tells me right now, if he says I am fine, I will come up with a reason why he might be wrong.

I know all this. Why can't I relax, and get some peace of mind for two seconds?

I feel very isolated. I am holding it together. I am going to work every day. I am feeding and clothing myself and seeing my friends. But inside my head, it's all pointless. I feel so weak, like I don't have the strength to go up against it.

Maybe some encouragement, "you go girl" kind of support would be helpful. 

Thanks guys for all you do.

Edited by ohwhyhello
Link to comment

Hi ohwhyhello,

I’m sorry you’re going through so much at the moment with your divorce and what sounds like a bit of game playing on the part of your ex...that’s a lot to be dealing with. It’s no wonder you’re feeling so stressed and that’s bound to have a knock-on effect on your anxiety levels. 

It’s going to take time for some of the initial side effects from the SSRI to wear off and hopefully start feeling their benefits, but I agree with you...you need to gradually work on trying to reduce the compulsions you’re carrying out and leaving the doubts about your health unanswered. 

That’s blimmin’ hard to do, but the more you can resolve not to play by the disorder’s rules the more they should begin to fade and your anxiety will come down.

Maybe treat them in the same way as you would whoever’s playing games with your doorbell, let them do it/allow the thoughts to come knocking too.. you don’t have to answer the door tho’ or respond to the thoughts. Eventually both the twit(s) knocking and the thoughts will give up/fall away from lack of attention.

You must be exhausted with all that’s going on at the moment, could you also take some time out to do something you want to do and help recharge your batteries. Something completely new and fresh that will allow you to unwind and help you to focus away from the divorce?

It’s gonna take time, but you’ve absolutely got this. I think you just need to be kind to yourself and accept what you’re going through is hard, but you will come through it.

Link to comment

You should consider giving up alcohol as it can cause Alcohol Anxiety & if you have OCD on of this you’ll have more anxiety. I see meds can also raise anxiety the first few weeks. 

Its important to not do anything that causes more anxiety. Because it can provide temporary relief from symptoms, alcohol use is common among people who have anxiety disorders. However, alcoholand anxiety don't mix well. Frequent alcohol consumption can exacerbate symptoms of anxiety disorders and cause them to worsen over time.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...