ERP making me really anxious

[malina]

I am doing a particular exposure with my therapist related to harm OCD and it's making me very, very anxious. I have done this with him before, several months ago and really struggled so we discussed it and slowed things down, but he wants to try and challenge me a bit more again. The thing is that I don't really start feeling anxious until about a day after I've done this and it goes on for days. I questioned this approach before, because this activity seems quite extreme but I was reading on here about why those of us with OCD need to go to extremes in order to reach a middle point and this really helped, I now do see why I am being asked to do this and I want to go for it. It's just that I don't really feel the anxiety while I'm doing the activity, it is afterwards. I'm trying to take this as being part of the process, but I'm finding it difficult. I'm not sure what I'm asking here, I guess I just wondered if others have experienced similar things with ERP. I think that I'm just scared that I'm not strong enough for this and that I'll crack under the pressure. 

Edited September 6, 2019 by malina

[paradoxer]

I think the anxiety hits people in different ways, the fact that with you it's delayed, is really no more than an academic point. 

Wish you the best of luck ... short term pain (yes, even for days) long term gain. 

[malina]

5 minutes ago, paradoxer said:

I think the anxiety hits people in different ways, the fact that with you it's delayed, is really no more than an academic point. 

Wish you the best of luck ... short term pain (yes, even for days) long term gain. 

Thanks Paradoxer! I think sometimes just being reminded that I'm on the right track, by people who have been through the same thing, really helps!

[paradoxer]

1 hour ago, malina said:

Thanks Paradoxer! I think sometimes just being reminded that I'm on the right track, by people who have been through the same thing, really helps!

You're welcome ... keep up the good work. Yes, OCD doesn't like being taken to task, and may well kick back, it's a reminder that you're taking agency. 

[leif]

Hey @malina

Yes I can relate to that anxiety hitting afterward rather than during. I find it tough as well. I hear of these examples of tidy exposures where one is exposed, the anxiety goes up, then it goes down, but yes not always so tidy! Mine's all over the place. Sometimes goes up during, sometimes afterward, sometimes not at all.

You gave me good advice in another thread about just taking it as part of the process. It's tough to do but yes i think the right way to go. I'm struggling with my current attempts at exposure still.

I hope it goes well for you. Also, you sound like you have a good therapist that will back off in need be if you aren't quite ready. Keep in good communication with him about how it's going. (And of course come chat here when you want some support)

Wishing you well  

 

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

7 hours ago, malina said:

I am doing a particular exposure with my therapist related to harm OCD and it's making me very, very anxious. I have done this with him before, several months ago and really struggled so we discussed it and slowed things down, but he wants to try and challenge me a bit more again. The thing is that I don't really start feeling anxious until about a day after I've done this and it goes on for days. I questioned this approach before, because this activity seems quite extreme but I was reading on here about why those of us with OCD need to go to extremes in order to reach a middle point and this really helped, I now do see why I am being asked to do this and I want to go for it. It's just that I don't really feel the anxiety while I'm doing the activity, it is afterwards. I'm trying to take this as being part of the process, but I'm finding it difficult. I'm not sure what I'm asking here, I guess I just wondered if others have experienced similar things with ERP. I think that I'm just scared that I'm not strong enough for this and that I'll crack under the pressure. 

Hi malina

I can identify with this often this happens to me when I do exposure. I often find though that it's because I am doing sneaky  compulsions particularly ruminating. Ruminating can be sooo hard to spot and catch because it feels semi automatic. You might think you're just thinking about your exposure or wondering why you feel anxious - but just be really careful you're not actually trying to "make it OK" in some way. X 

[malina]

3 hours ago, leif said:

Hey @malina

Yes I can relate to that anxiety hitting afterward rather than during. I find it tough as well. I hear of these examples of tidy exposures where one is exposed, the anxiety goes up, then it goes down, but yes not always so tidy! Mine's all over the place. Sometimes goes up during, sometimes afterward, sometimes not at all.

You gave me good advice in another thread about just taking it as part of the process. It's tough to do but yes i think the right way to go. I'm struggling with my current attempts at exposure still.

I hope it goes well for you. Also, you sound like you have a good therapist that will back off in need be if you aren't quite ready. Keep in good communication with him about how it's going. (And of course come chat here when you want some support)

Wishing you well  

Thanks Leif! I remembered your thread when all this started and I remember how I told you to basically "embrace the anxiety" and now I'm like "NO I CAN'T HANDLE THE ANXIETY" haha...it's so hard to follow your own advice sometimes. But I definitely feel less alone knowing that you're going through something similar. I think we both know what we need to do, it's just difficult. 

[malina]

3 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi malina

I can identify with this often this happens to me when I do exposure. I often find though that it's because I am doing sneaky  compulsions particularly ruminating. Ruminating can be sooo hard to spot and catch because it feels semi automatic. You might think you're just thinking about your exposure or wondering why you feel anxious - but just be really careful you're not actually trying to "make it OK" in some way. X 

Hey GBG, I think you're actually spot on about the ruminating, I realise that I've been doing a lot of that. I find that when the anxiety hits, I need to "resolve" it somehow, like mainly thinking about how it's all nonsense and trying to think about it more realistically, but then end up in a trap where I spend days thinking about it and it keeps coming back. I need to work on not engaging with it. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

I think cognitive work such as framing things more realistically can be useful but can also be soooo dangerous. I have so often convinced myself i am doing cognitive work when actually I'm just trying to "make it OK" and reassure myself. I have seen a much bigger improvement when I've actually just embraced the anxiety and allowed the possibility that my fear is true. 

[malina]

13 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I think cognitive work such as framing things more realistically can be useful but can also be soooo dangerous. I have so often convinced myself i am doing cognitive work when actually I'm just trying to "make it OK" and reassure myself. I have seen a much bigger improvement when I've actually just embraced the anxiety and allowed the possibility that my fear is true. 

I completely agree, I do the same all the time, thinking about the situation more logically but it's really just self-reassurance. The thing is that I'm struggling to apply the cognitive work to these harm thoughts. I have other worries, like about my health or feeling guilty, and in those situations I am able to allow the possibility that it's true and this has really helped in the past. The harm thoughts feel different, it's not really a thought about something external happening to me, it's more like an urge to go and do something awful. It's a physical sensation, like I'm being driven to something and the fear is that I'll eventually lose control or give in. So my reassurance to myself is more about how I can control myself, I don't want to do it etc...but the OCD fights back and makes me doubt my resolve. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

I think maybe then you need to think "Yep any minute now I'm going to harm someone" and don't try to control yourself. Maybe you will lose control and harm someone. We all live with that possibility. If I was you I'd even do the thing I'm afraid of (not literally harm someone but make the possibility wide open). Put knives all around, put a knife to someone's throat (explain first haha), make it as likely as you possibly can that you will act on your fears, ramp up the likelihood as much as you can, get as close as you can to the thing that scares you. Think yep at any moment I'm going to harm someone. Then just get on with your day. 

[malina]

11 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I think maybe then you need to think "Yep any minute now I'm going to harm someone" and don't try to control yourself. Maybe you will lose control and harm someone. We all live with that possibility. If I was you I'd even do the thing I'm afraid of (not literally harm someone but make the possibility wide open). Put knives all around, put a knife to someone's throat (explain first haha), make it as likely as you possibly can that you will act on your fears, ramp up the likelihood as much as you can, get as close as you can to the thing that scares you. Think yep at any moment I'm going to harm someone. Then just get on with your day. 

You sound exactly like my therapist now haha! That is literally what I'm doing with him, exposure with knives and pretty much all of what you wrote above, except that my fear is that I'll hurt myself instead of someone else, so it's all geared towards me. Other than making me really anxious, I also find ERP quite funny, like you're on some weird reality survival show where you have to do bizarre activities every week 

[leif]

7 hours ago, malina said:

Thanks Leif! I remembered your thread when all this started and I remember how I told you to basically "embrace the anxiety" and now I'm like "NO I CAN'T HANDLE THE ANXIETY" haha...it's so hard to follow your own advice sometimes. But I definitely feel less alone knowing that you're going through something similar. I think we both know what we need to do, it's just difficult. 

Yes it's always easier to know in theory what we need to do, and in our moments of calm we can feel like we're ready to face the anxiety, but the anxiety is  a truly difficult experience to just sit with.It's a really hard practice to sit with our fears that are often rooted in something very deep and existential. I feel like we are a very brave people facing these things!

6 hours ago, malina said:

I completely agree, I do the same all the time, thinking about the situation more logically but it's really just self-reassurance. The thing is that I'm struggling to apply the cognitive work to these harm thoughts. I have other worries, like about my health or feeling guilty, and in those situations I am able to allow the possibility that it's true and this has really helped in the past. The harm thoughts feel different,

I get that too about trying to find the balance of working cognitively with the fear, while not using it as reassurance. It's a tough one. I think maybe the cognitive should be more use pre-exposure, just to make the decision basically to do it. But afterward maybe leaving it to just sit with the fear, especially if we find ourselves in that pattern of trying to reassure ourselves. I do find for myself as well that certain OCD possibilities are easier for me to sit with. I think it just depends on whatever our major theme is at the moment. 

I do find rumination one of the most challenging compulsions to stop. 

6 hours ago, malina said:

I also find ERP quite funny, like you're on some weird reality survival show where you have to do bizarre activities every week 

Totally!  It's good that you have that sense of humour around it! I think it's funny that people have no idea what drama they are witnessing when i go to use a public washroom somewhere. If they could only see my brain waves of anxiety!

 

Edited September 7, 2019 by leif

[Handy]

It’s important to feel your anxiety does not matter when you’re feeling it. 

That you feel it another day could be hormones. Because in AM our cortisol or stress hormones are high, serotonin is low so that’s when we are vulnerable to anxiety.

[gingerbreadgirl]

22 hours ago, malina said:

You sound exactly like my therapist now haha! That is literally what I'm doing with him, exposure with knives and pretty much all of what you wrote above, except that my fear is that I'll hurt myself instead of someone else, so it's all geared towards me. Other than making me really anxious, I also find ERP quite funny, like you're on some weird reality survival show where you have to do bizarre activities every week 

Ah ok apologies I remember you saying it was about harming yourself now. 

I know what you mean I've done so many bizarre things in the name of erp!!! We've got to laugh haven't we haha 

[malina]

Thanks so much for your support, guys! After 2 days of pretty intense anxiety, today has been so much better! I've really tried to take on board what you have said - cutting out compulsions, especially ruminating. I realised just how much ruminating I was actually doing and when I forced myself to just let go and accept the anxiety, rather than trying to figure it out, I felt less and less anxious. I'm still a little unsure of how I'm feeling, but it's better than full blown terror 

[malina]

On 07/09/2019 at 16:29, leif said:

I think it's funny that people have no idea what drama they are witnessing when i go to use a public washroom somewhere. If they could only see my brain waves of anxiety!

I know what you mean, it's like a horror movie every time I go to the kitchen to chop up vegetables and make a salad!  I think seeing the funny side of all this is important, it helps a lot! 

[Handy]

1 hour ago, malina said:

I know what you mean, it's like a horror movie every time I go to the kitchen to chop up vegetables and make a salad!  I think seeing the funny side of all this is important, it helps a lot! 

People with OCD don’t wanna laugh about it. I tried. How can any one laugh about such a serious mental disorder they respond  

[malina]

1 hour ago, Handy said:

People with OCD don’t wanna laugh about it. I tried. How can any one laugh about such a serious mental disorder they respond  

I certainly didn't mean to suggest that OCD is funny or that I would ever laugh at somebody else. I'm just making light of my own situation, everyone has their own ways of coping.

[leif]

6 hours ago, malina said:

Thanks so much for your support, guys! After 2 days of pretty intense anxiety, today has been so much better! I've really tried to take on board what you have said - cutting out compulsions, especially ruminating. I realised just how much ruminating I was actually doing and when I forced myself to just let go and accept the anxiety, rather than trying to figure it out, I felt less and less anxious. I'm still a little unsure of how I'm feeling, but it's better than full blown terror 

That's so great that you were able to cut out the ruminating! i find that to be the toughest one to tackle. So great to hear you're feeling better about it all. I hope i can take on some of that advice for my exposures as well--you are an inspiration!

 

[dksea]

6 hours ago, Handy said:

People with OCD don’t wanna laugh about it. I tried. How can any one laugh about such a serious mental disorder they respond  

Please don't generalize like that. Some people use humor as a coping mechanism or to process their struggles. I'm perfectly willing to laugh at OCD if the situation warrants, because thats where I am at with my journey.  I can even laugh at some of the absurdities I recognize in my own past behavior, not because it was funny at the time, far from it, but because I can see the situation differently now.  If humor is not how you personally process struggle, thats valid, you shouldn't have to use humor if you don't want.  But don't assume that because you do things one way that we all must.

[gingerbreadgirl]

I laugh at my own ridiculousness all the time.  If I hadn't laughed at the whole thing I would have gone mad.  I use humour to deal with many things.  it doesn't mean I don't find it painful, it just means I can stand back and see the ludicrousness of the situation.  That is a far cry from laughing at OCD in general, or trivialising it, or laughing at other people's OCD.  Many people use gallows humour in all kinds of horrible situations.  

[paradoxer]

8 hours ago, malina said:

I certainly didn't mean to suggest that OCD is funny or that I would ever laugh at somebody else. I'm just making light of my own situation, everyone has their own ways of coping.

Giving this a 'like'. It's unfortunate that you should even have to offer any explanation. 

Cheers. 

[Handy]

18 hours ago, dksea said:

Please don't generalize like that. Some people use humor as a coping mechanism or to process their struggles. I'm perfectly willing to laugh at OCD if the situation warrants, because thats where I am at with my journey.  I can even laugh at some of the absurdities I recognize in my own past behavior, not because it was funny at the time, far from it, but because I can see the situation differently now.  If humor is not how you personally process struggle, thats valid, you shouldn't have to use humor if you don't want.  But don't assume that because you do things one way that we all must.

Actually I brought up humor 2 or  so years ago in this forum & I’m requoting the responses I got. Touché 

[dksea]

7 minutes ago, Handy said:

Touché 

Can you be any more childish?  Your response added nothing of value to the conversation.