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When OCDis only part of the problem


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My partner shows the classic symptoms of OCD - talking in 8s, switching the light on and off 8 times and obsessing about minor things a long time after others have forgotten about them.

After injury and subsequent surgery they are prone to sneezing fits, mucus build ups and sniffing. Suspected allergies make this worse. After trying various remedies they invested in a machine to clean the air. 

We have had arguements about the machine from electricity usage and how long it should run to if it really helps and where it should be placed. It's at the point that if anything happens to the machine my partner flies into a rage, shouting a story which in the end has little to do with the machine and more to do with unrelated things.

Because I care I suggested we try the machine on the lowest setting in the bedroom. It's extremely quite but still makes a low hum. I can sleep through it but if I wake up in the night or just relax in there, the machine keeps me awake.

I went away for a couple of weeks and requested we move the machine from the bedroom just until my sleep cycle returns. My partner agreed. A week ago he had a bad sneezing fit and I came home to the machine on high, I left it alone. He did change the setting, before bed I moved the machine as agreed.

My partner flew into a blind rage and wouldn't here that I didn't know he intended the machine to be in the bedroom that night, that he hadn't discussed it with me. My partner shouted and banged and kicked the machine violently while it was still plugged in, shouting about how they wanted to leave and find somewhere else to live. I spoke softly and quietly, trying to calm them down. I made a cup of camomile tea which they threatened to scold me with but actually poured down the sink. They drank mine instead before looking at houses on the internet and eventually coming to bed.

The next day after being angry they cried about this and said that I didn't care because I couldn't accept what was important to them. Since that evening they have been in denial about the whole episode, although I have finally managed to negotiate the machine back on a timer.

The machine has become a source of tension. I don't have a good night's sleep most nights and I don't feel that I can enjoy my own bedroom anymore whilst the machine is on inside it. If it moves they'll get angry, we can't even discuss it.

I don't know what to do. My main point is I feel that OCD is contributing to the anger and obsessiveness - they have obesssions about other things. Any advice?

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10 minutes ago, Lisa86 said:

My partner shouted and banged and kicked the machine violently while it was still plugged in.  I made a cup of camomile tea which they threatened to scold me with 

Hello Lisa.  

I am so sorry that you're having such a difficult time right now and none of it is your own making. I am sorry.    I just want to say that regardless of OCD or not, this behaviour is not  acceptable and not typical behaviour of someone with OCD for that matter.   Yes OCD causes arguments, but not to threaten physical harm, I rarely see that in adults.  No excuses, even the threat is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.

 

13 minutes ago, Lisa86 said:

said that I didn't care because I couldn't accept what was important to them.

This is again not striking me to be OCD behaviour at all, or a consequence of OCD. It might be, but I am not immediately seeing it. What  am seeing is someone using a kind of emotional guilt/blame and that's not acceptable either. 

 

15 minutes ago, Lisa86 said:

My main point is I feel that OCD is contributing to the anger and obsessiveness - they have obesssions about other things

It might be contributing (although I can't see it), but it's still not an excuse for such aggressive behaviour.

 

16 minutes ago, Lisa86 said:

I don't know what to do.

I don't really have a suggestion for what you should do, although I suspect others will suggest the action I might tempted to agree with.

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Thank you. I don't mean to demean anyone with OCD I'm just trying to make sense of this. We've been cool since then but they act like nothing happened and what bugs me the most is that I am up for getting help and they originally said they were not, and that they couldn't be bothered to make an effort. I'm clutching at my last straws here just seeing if anything makes sense or there's any hope.

Since saying they can't be bothered to make an effort they have been extra nice. I'm making more of an effort to do less.

They have had help in the past for addiction and other issues.

Edited by Lisa86
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  • 4 weeks later...
On 17/09/2019 at 09:45, Lisa86 said:

 

They have had help in the past for addiction and other issues.

That’s called comorbidity.  
 

It’s up to you how long you want to put up with it. Perhaps a good counseling session for all involved?

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 17/09/2019 at 17:08, Lisa86 said:

My partner shows the classic symptoms of OCD - talking in 8s, switching the light on and off 8 times and obsessing about minor things a long time after others have forgotten about them.

After injury and subsequent surgery they are prone to sneezing fits, mucus build ups and sniffing. Suspected allergies make this worse. After trying various remedies they invested in a machine to clean the air. 

We have had arguements about the machine from electricity usage and how long it should run to if it really helps and where it should be placed. It's at the point that if anything happens to the machine my partner flies into a rage, shouting a story which in the end has little to do with the machine and more to do with unrelated things.

Because I care I suggested we try the machine on the lowest setting in the bedroom. It's extremely quite but still makes a low hum. I can sleep through it but if I wake up in the night or just relax in there, the machine keeps me awake.

I went away for a couple of weeks and requested we move the machine from the bedroom just until my sleep cycle returns. My partner agreed. A week ago he had a bad sneezing fit and I came home to the machine on high, I left it alone. He did change the setting, before bed I moved the machine as agreed.

My partner flew into a blind rage and wouldn't here that I didn't know he intended the machine to be in the bedroom that night, that he hadn't discussed it with me. My partner shouted and banged and kicked the machine violently while it was still plugged in, shouting about how they wanted to leave and find somewhere else to live. I spoke softly and quietly, trying to calm them down. I made a cup of camomile tea which they threatened to scold me with but actually poured down the sink. They drank mine instead before looking at houses on the internet and eventually coming to bed.

The next day after being angry they cried about this and said that I didn't care because I couldn't accept what was important to them. Since that evening they have been in denial about the whole episode, although I have finally managed to negotiate the machine back on a timer.

The machine has become a source of tension. I don't have a good night's sleep most nights and I don't feel that I can enjoy my own bedroom anymore whilst the machine is on inside it. If it moves they'll get angry, we can't even discuss it.

I don't know what to do. My main point is I feel that OCD is contributing to the anger and obsessiveness - they have obesssions about other things. Any advice?

Anger issues can co-occur with OCD and sometimes do stem from OCD thinking but could also be caused by the injury (was it a head injury?) and by the residual effects of addiction. Nonetheless it is never okay to threaten someone and he definitely should be seeking help for both the OCD and the anger issues.

What type of accident was it that he had? Perhaps he is still traumatised from the injury and surgery so the air filter means a lot to him as it gives him some control over how feel feels physically? Perhaps by moving the machine from your room, he feels that you are not bothered about the injury and surgery when in actual fact you just need to be able to sleep properly to function like a normal human being? 

Could you talk to him and make it clear that threatening to throw a cup of hot tea is not acceptable regardless of the intensity of his feelings? and that he needs to see a therapist for his own good as much as anything else?

I have anger issues which are probably caused by ADHD but are definitely triggered by my OCD and I am sure there are other people that struggle too but it could be that it is the interaction of ADHD and OCD that causes problems for me and perhaps it's the combination of your partner's OCD + injury + prior addiction. Regardless of the cause though there is no excuse for threats of or actual violence. 

Edited by BelAnna
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Hi Lisa

I agree with Ashley that any violence or threat of violence is not acceptable under any circumstance and you have to communicate to him that this is something that you won't tolerate ever.  However, I differ in that I can see it as a behaviour that arises from his OCD.  An extreme attempt to control his circumstances & surroundings in much the same way as the sufferer who makes family members strip off their clothing & take a shower when they return home.  His anger and rages are possibly a response to being out of control of the situation.  Some people do have anger issue's that they don't have under control, this could also be the case and be completely separate to the OCD.

Clearly this is having an unacceptable effect on your life, has a risk that the violent rages could escalate and help needs to  be sought.  I would make it clear that you insist on that.  It is common for sufferers not to seek help as they'll often do anything in order not to disclose their thoughts & fears to others.  Try and have the conversation when things aren't so frenzied but it's important you address this for both your sakes.

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