Advice Needed

[MentalChecker]

Hi All this is bit of a long message but would really appreciate somebody's time to read and provide advice?

I'm having problems believing that my problems are really due to OCD and not something wrong with the subject I'm worried about.

I have had a formal diagnosis of OCD by a Physciatrist but I'm not and have never taken medication for it as I'm paranoid about drugs (never even taken recreational drugs). 

This is an example of my obcessions. 

I initially do a mental reassurance compulsion by going over a previous conversation in my head about something I worry about and I get the reassurance feeling in my head and body that i understand it and its fine and nothing to worry about. 

That normally closes the worry off for a few months. 

However recently the same worry came back into my mind and I didn't get the reassurance feeling that I understand and its fine and nothing to worry about and I didn't want to go down the long winded route of doing it all again in my head like I did a few months ago therefore I thought logically about it that I've already thought about it several months ago and I got the feeling THEN that I understand it and it's fine and nothing to worry about. 

However then last night I worried whether I really did think about it correctly several months ago when I reached the conclusion that i understood it and it was fine and nothing to worry about, because there were several things that I would have needed to think about. 

Then I recalled an email I had sent to a very professional person about my worry and I called that email back up and checked the date of it and it was on the EXACT same morning as I had done the reassurance compulsion and the email was sent about 30 minutes before I did the reassurance and the email stated the 3 things I was having problems getting the feeling about therefore I thought to myself then surely those 3 things were in my mind and was trying to get the feeling about them 30 minutes beforehand therefore 30 minutes later when I finally DID get the reassurance feeling then surely that reassurance that I finally got must have included and I must have included those 3 important things into my reassurance... 

But then I think to myself there is the possibility that I didn't include them??? And how do I know for sure that I did include them? 

And now I feel compelled to go back and do the original reassurance again so I can make sure that I really Do include these 3 things into my reassurance? 

Does this sound like my problems and worries are due to OCD?? Would you say this is just OCD?? 

 

[Gemma7]

4 hours ago, MentalChecker said:

Does this sound like my problems and worries are due to OCD?? Would you say this is just OCD?? 

Yes. You keep checking and experiencing doubt, wanting to check more and more. This is a typical OCD problem. The more you check however the more you will have this problem because checking increases doubt in memory. 

[MentalChecker]

On 21/09/2019 at 16:12, Gemma7 said:

Yes. You keep checking and experiencing doubt, wanting to check more and more. This is a typical OCD problem. The more you check however the more you will have this problem because checking increases doubt in memory. 

Thanks for the reply. 

I now have another thing I'm worried about something else I previously spent time reassuring myself about several months ago and although I remember the place I was at when I spent the time reassuring myself about the thing I'm now worried about again I'm trying to convince myself that I did reassure myself about it several months ago and I'm worrying if I was really reassured about it because I can't get the feeling that I really was reassured about it back then but there were several things to this worry and I remember getting to the last one that should have been really easy to reassure myself about and had trouble with that one and remember thinking to myself that it must be OCD because the one I shouldn't have had any problems with was the very one I did have problems with reassuring myself about and therefore if I hadn't been reassured about the previous things (one of the ones I'm worried about now) then I would have never got to the easier one at the end because that end one I had to wait until that evening until I could get the reasurance for and have them all complete. 

Therefore even though I remember the place I was at doing the reasurance and remember having to wait until the end of the day before getting the final one (the easier one) reassured and all complete I still can't get the feeling and feel comfortable that I really was reassured back then and therefore this worrry about this reoccurring worry is doing me in as I feel the need to redo all of the reassurance again unless I can get the feeling that I really was reassured about back then several months ago when I went through it all........

[MentalChecker]

P. S And then I try and think back to other things I've had like this i. E other worries and reassurances that I've done and got into this same behaviour with to make myself realise its just OCD as the behaviour is the same but then i get caught up into the same problem of trying to get the feeling that it is... 

Edited September 22, 2019 by MentalChecker

[Gemma7]

Hi MentalChecker

You need to ask yourself, if what you are doing is achieving what you're trying to do? You're trying to feel sure, but what I'm hearing is that you feel less sure. All this ruminating and trying to feel reassured isn't helping you, do you agree? 

[MentalChecker]

Hi Gemma thank you for your reply really appreciate it. 

The reassurance provides me with short term relief and I acknowledge that the worry eventually comes back but it initially switches it off (although it then moves onto another theme) and then doesn't return for a while (this one a few months until it returned) therefore it does help me in a way. 

I just don't feel that I could continue with the worry of these worries (if that makes sense) without thinking about them and being reassured.

And as I write this I've got another one I previously reassured myself about around 3 days ago and I vaguely recall doing the reassurance noise at the time, which is a noise that I make once I get the reassurance and feel good, and therefore I must have been reassured but now I'm starting to worry even if I was really reassured about that one....

Edited September 23, 2019 by MentalChecker

[Gemma7]

58 minutes ago, MentalChecker said:

The reassurance provides me with short term relief and I acknowledge that the worry eventually comes back but it initially switches it off (although it then moves onto another theme) and then doesn't return for a while (this one a few months until it returned) therefore it does help me in a way. 

So the mental checking helps you get by, but I imagine it's taking more and more of your time and wanting you to be more and more sure. So it is completely unsustainable and making you less happy and more unwell. OCD compulsions always feel like they are helping but they never are.

 

1 hour ago, MentalChecker said:

I just don't feel that I could continue with the worry of these worries (if that makes sense) without thinking about them and being reassured.

I understand, right now the prospect of doing no compulsions will seem scary because they feel like they help you cope. This is where therapy comes in. Have you looked into accessing cognitive behavioural therapy? 

[PolarBear]

Non-OCD people do not check back on the past to reassure themselves. They just don't. That you do it is evidence of OCD. 

What you need to learn is that your checking doesn't work. Sure, short term relief, but the intrusive thoughts always come back,  and then you do more compulsions, which leads to more intrusive thoughts and round and round you go.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Don't check. Let uncertainty come up. It's okay.

[banthethoughts]

23 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Non-OCD people do not check back on the past to reassure themselves. They just don't. That you do it is evidence of OCD. 

What you need to learn is that your checking doesn't work. Sure, short term relief, but the intrusive thoughts always come back,  and then you do more compulsions, which leads to more intrusive thoughts and round and round you go.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Don't check. Let uncertainty come up. It's okay.

This is useful and really what I am struggling with, the anxiety of not going into it is almost making me suicidal.