This is new for me so if I could get some insight, that would be great

[shelbyoxox990]

I'm 29 years old and my diagnoses so far have been OCD and major depressive disorder. My OCD has mostly centered around the harm theme, though I have also had contamination and other common manifestations. I've been dealing with this for around 15 years and thought I had pretty much conquered my OCD demon. Until just a couple of days ago, that is, and I honestly don't even know if this is really OCD.

I've been stressed the past couple of months, mostly financially, and have been dealing with general feelings of failure. I don't have the job I want, the relationship I want, friendships, any of it. The loneliness has been a constant for me. However, I felt like I was managing pretty normally until Wednesday night. I worked late with a small group of coworkers and it was revealed that two of the girls are in a relationship with each other. I don't know why, but I just felt an overwhelming sense of burning jealousy as all of my other coworkers were congratulating them because theirs is exactly the kind of relationship I want. When I got home that night, I even cried. Thoughts were going through my head about how lonely and unattractive I am, how no one will ever want to be with me. 

I actually kept having flashes of them together as I was trying to get my mind on other things. I didn't fall asleep until early Thursday morning and I kept feeling this overwhelming sense of despair the entire time. One of the girl's names kept playing in my head repeatedly, whenever I tried to distract myself. I started to feel a bit better Thursday night and was okay Friday morning. Then I went to work and they were there again, being very obvious and open about their relationship, and those feelings started to come back. I had this idea that maybe I'll never be able to move on and stop obsessing and it made me panicky and anxious. 

I got off at midnight last night and didnt sleep at all. I had a upsurge in my mood around 2-4 this morning, that feeling of "Everything is going to be ok", but it didn't last. I got to work today, saw them, and the anxiety came back. I was at work a total of 30 minutes before I was bawling in my manager's office. I just told her that it was anxiety, which she knows I suffer from, and she gave me the day off. 

So much is going through my head right now. Am I ever going to get past this? Can I work around them? Am I turning into a crazy psycho stalker? Like, I don't even know these girls and they seem nice enough? Why should I be letting these obsessions preoccupy my personal life, to the point where my sleep and appetite is affected and I don't feel like myself? 

I'm making an appointment this week to get back on the antidepressants that I quit a year ago so hopefully that will help, but I'm freaking out in the meantime. Does anyone have any advice? Apologies for the length. 

[malina]

Hi Shelby,

I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way! I think that you've just projected some of your worries in life onto these people, then you freaked out about doing that and now you're continuing to freak out. It's pretty normal to feel what you're feeling when you see people who have what you want, I'm sure everyone feels like this from time to time, even people without OCD. I think you should just try to calm down, see this as something senseless because that is what it is. Also, try to behave normally and not to avoid them, because that would be a compulsion. Interact with them as much as you did before and, over time, your feelings should fade. 

It's good that you're going to get help. Have you also had CBT in addition to meds?

[shelbyoxox990]

I did therapy years ago and never stuck to it, though I'm thinking about starting up again. I'm just really embarrassed about having to say all of this out loud to a professional. I don't want anyone to think I'm some psycho obsessed stalker, even though that's definitely what I feel like. 

[dksea]

On 22/09/2019 at 04:16, shelbyoxox990 said:

Why should I be letting these obsessions preoccupy my personal life, to the point where my sleep and appetite is affected and I don't feel like myself? 

The answer is in your first sentence, OCD.  Unfortunately this is what OCD does, it causes us to get "stuck" on certain thoughts.  Sometimes those thoughts stay pretty constant, other times they change.  We don't yet know why OCD only affects some thoughts and not others or why they change, but we do know what its like when OCD does affect us, and what you are describing is perfectly in line with OCD.
 

On 22/09/2019 at 04:16, shelbyoxox990 said:

I don't know why, but I just felt an overwhelming sense of burning jealousy as all of my other coworkers were congratulating them because theirs is exactly the kind of relationship I want. When I got home that night, I even cried. Thoughts were going through my head about how lonely and unattractive I am, how no one will ever want to be with me. 

Its perfectly understandable you'd feel some jealousy towards people in a situation you envy, especially if its an area you have been struggling with.  A lot of people would probably experience the same in your situation, others in the same room, including those who were congratulating them, might also feel jealousy.
 

On 22/09/2019 at 07:23, shelbyoxox990 said:

I'm just really embarrassed about having to say all of this out loud to a professional. I don't want anyone to think I'm some psycho obsessed stalker, even though that's definitely what I feel like. 

This is also understandable, a lot of us feel that way towards discussing our deepest, most troubling thoughts, with a relative stranger. In general people don't like feeling judged, and in this case you are also worried about potential misperceptions.  But keep in mind that mental health professionals deal with a LOT of situations and people often feeling their worst, dealing with some very troubling feelings/images/thoughts.  Its more than likely that your thoughts won't rattle your therapists even one bit.  Aside from being trained, you are very likely not the first person with this type of thought they have dealt with.  It can feel that way to the sufferer, but they usually have little to no context to judge by, a mental health professional meanwhile does this every day.  Meanwhile, ask yourself whats worse, someone maaaaaaaybe thinking you are a bit stalkerish, or continuing to suffer with your anxiety for who knows how long because you didn't get help when you could have.