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Suicide OCD help needed


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I am currently going through my second bout of suicide OCD. It's been 6 months of dealing with this. The first bout of this OCD theme lasted 8 months and it wasn't as severe. I've been seeing an OCD specialist trained in ERP for several months. I'm worn out and feel like giving up a lot of the time. Here's a little more backstory.

In March, my wife and I went on a cruise for vacation. I had been dealing with pretty severe health anxiety in the months prior. I was afraid of every little ache and pain I felt, fearing I had MS, ALS, or some other type of deadly or debilitating disease. Despite this, I was relatively "ok" most of the time and I was able to live my life; engaging happily in activities and passions. The second day on the ship was when my world turned upside down. I was standing out on the balcony of our room, located on the 10th deck/floor. The thought and urge of jumping over the side suddenly overwhelmed me out if nowhere. Just like that, I was caught by OCD once again. I spent the next 4 days on the ship in total fear. I couldn't wait to get off of that boat and away from the 10 story high balcony beckoning to me. 

The day came for us to end our vacation and get off of the ship. I felt immense relief. Once we returned home, however, OCD latched on to a previous fear I honestly believed I was over and would never fear again. The thought crossed my mind, "kill yourself with the gun." The thoughts also take the form of vivid imagery. I broke down into tears, "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be alive if I have to battle OCD for the 6th or 7th time. This is too much. I want out." Speaking this way and feeling this way only served to validate my fear. 

I sought help from every outlet I could think of and potentially afford. I've tried several OCD specialists, transpersonal therapy, hypnosis, reiki, too many supplements and amino acids to name, 6 sessions of intravenous ketamine, etc. I experienced no relief. 

I keep reading and being told that in order to recover from OCD, you have to be determined. The problem is, I'm worn out. There are times every day throughout the day when I get this intense feeling of wanting to give up and die. It is absolutely terrifying. The determination seems to be gone. I feel like I did the day I realized I'm back in OCD hell, but even more so now than I did then. I feel like wanting to give up and be done with this nightmare affliction. In order to get better, OCD sufferers are expected to do ERP every day and engage in valued activities even when they feel extreme anxiety, depression, fear, doubt, and uncertainty. I've tried over and over again to do just that over the past few months. I barely make it a couple days and then I break down into tears and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't know how to force myself to do the things I "want" to do when I don't "want" to do anything. I want to disappear so my suffering will end. That's what I feel like I want, and it's scaring me to no end to put it lightly. I don't know how to continue doing ERP, exposing myself to a gun by holding it and listening to a flood tape, while experiencing actual suicidal feelings. My fear of being suicidal has led me to feel suicudal...It's completely ridiculous and terrifying. 

So, what now? Where do I go from here? How does someone get better when they have lost the desire to do so? Am I just damned to live out the rest of my days until I actually give in? I'm at a total loss. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. My wife is scared. My parents are scared. I can't believe my life has come to this. To think that only a couple years ago I was past this very obsession, living the best life, calm and content. Now here I am, wanting to give up completely. OCD is hell on Earth. I don't know what anyone cursed with this disorder did to deserve this.

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Hi Alien, 

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I read your post and felt like I could have written this myself. I have had OCD most of my life but this theme about self harm is the one that has been the primary problem for me as well and the pattern is pretty much the same as yours - it came one day out of nowhere and completely overtook my life. I know how terrifying it is and how absolutely exhausting it is to go through this.

One thing I can tell you is that it will get better. There is absolutely no way that it will go on forever, but you have to work on it. Firstly, you need to forget some of the things you tried (hypnosis, supplements etc won't help you). CBT + ERP + medication (if you want to try it) is the way to go. The second thing is, don't panic. The fact that you feel exhausted and like you don't want to do this anymore does not validate your fear. It's completely natural to feel this way, I would think it was strange for someone to go through such turmoil and to not feel like they have had enough at one point or another. That doesn't mean that you want to hurt yourself, it is a completely separate issue. It may sometimes feel like you have lost the desire to get better, but keep in mind how difficult this is. Take it one step at a time and go easy on yourself. 

All of this started happening to me shortly after I turned 20, which is over 10 years ago now. I didn't know I had OCD and had no idea where these thoughts were coming from, but everywhere I went I could see a potential way to hurt myself and didn't feel safe anywhere at all. It got so bad that I couldn't even sleep on my own, in fact I couldn't sleep at all most nights but, I'm ashamed to say, I had to sleep with my mother because I was too afraid. I got diagnosed then and started CBT, but at first I didn't even think about getting better. My first step was figuring out how to make it through each day - getting up, showering, eating, going to lectures etc, I had to make sure I did these things. So I'd say the first step to getting better is just making sure that you don't let the little things in life fall through the cracks, take care of yourself. Have a routine, stay engaged in things, see people.

As for the self-harm stuff, I did what you are doing. I did some exposures (though now I realise not enough) and CBT to learn about what I was experiencing. I took medication for some time but I stopped. Eventually it got better, then returned a few months later and got better again. Last year, I had a relapse and started having these thoughts again but they were nowhere near as bad as they previously were. I am now trying to push myself more with the exposure to really get myself in shape and defeat this thing. In all this time, having these thoughts day in day out, I never ever came close to hurting myself. I too worried that one day I would just give in, yet I never did and neither will you.

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Hi Malina,

Thank you so much for replying to me. I'm truly sorry that you have experienced this as well. I've been through several themes and this one has been the worst by far, so my heart goes out to you.

The point you make about this not lasting forever is true. I've been through it before and it came to an end, even though it felt like it never would. It feels like it won't end this time too, but OCD always seems to make me feel that way. I suppose that's "normal" for OCD sufferers. I agree completely about needing to ditch the hypnosis, supplements, etc. I'm going to continue with ERP and push through it. In regards to panicking, you make such a great point. It is normal to feel exhausted from this. How could anyone not be worn out? It's just difficult in those moments when it feels so real. The feeling of wanting to just end it and be done with it is a terrible feeling. I can't even put it into words. But, you're right, it's normal to feel that way when dealing with this.

I'm sorry you've been struggling with this for so long. I've been dealing with OCD, in one form or another, for about 15 years. It started when I was 17. I think back to times before that and remember some OCD tendencies I had, but didn't realize at the time. It wasn't anything debilitating. It started out with ROCD when I was 17. It changed themes over the years; HOCD, harm OCD, suicide OCD. I find it difficult to sleep alone as well. When my wife is in town, I can fall asleep fairly easily at night. When she's out of town for work, I have pretty bad insomnia. My mind doesn't stop going. I have a hell of a time getting up in the morning. I wake up, feel anxious and terrified by the thoughts and feelings, and force myself back to sleep. I do this a few times until I wake up around 10am or so. I know that I need to force myself to get up when I initially wake up. Needless to say, it's extremely hard to do. I don't have much direction in my life right now. It's tricky to find something to do upon waking. I'm unemployed currently, and don't have a clue what I would want to do aside from playing music. It's always been my passion to write and play music. I suppose I could force myself to engage in that, even though lately I've lost interest in things.

The relapsing is one of the most frustrating aspects of OCD in my opinion. I truly thought, after the first time I went through suicide OCD, that I was done with it for good. I was meditating daily and becoming very mindful. I was able to let thoughts pass through my mind as if they were clouds passing in the sky. I had thoughts of suicide cross my mind and I would be able to let it go without any attachment. It was amazing. When Winter came around, I stopped meditating as much. I would typically sit outside because I enjoyed meditating in nature and feeling the sun on my skin. The snow here in Colorado makes it uncomfortable to meditate outside. So, I stopped doing it. Months went by and I felt myself slipping back into old negative thought patterns and behaviors. Then the health anxiety started, and you know the rest. I hope that after going through this again and doing the work I need to do, that it doesn't just keep coming back over and over. The fact that it came back at all has me feeling like giving up. It has me feeling like all attempts at recovery are just futile. I know that I have to keep going anyway. It's just hard. It would be nice to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It's consoling to know that you never came close to hurting yourself. As strong as these feelings are sometimes, I never have either. I've never moved so much as an inch toward actually acting on it. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me and reply. It means so much to know someone cares. 

Thank you.

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Alien8, sorry to hear you're going through it. Not much to add except this, try not to 'categorize' your OCD. It's more, I think, than a question of pedantry. When you insist on 'dignifying' a theme with a title, you in a way, afford it relevance. It's enough to tell your story ... to say, I have terrible OCD and I'm in the throes of anguish etc. The theme is always irrelevant. Better to not give it the hubris it wants.    

Edited by paradoxer
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I know that relapses can be frustrating, I had a very long period like you where I could think about suicide and simply not be bothered at all. Then suddenly, it feels like it got me again. Like you, I also had fears about developing health problems and was scared that I was getting MS! I started feeling this heaviness and numbness in the right side of my body and was convinced this was one of those disorders. In the end, I found that it was most likely caused by anxiety and it stopped, then the thoughts about self harm came in. 

But in order not to feel completely powerless, there is something I learned this time around. When I was younger and got better, I thought that I had beaten this thing and it was over. But now I think back on my behaviours and thoughts and realise that I was still doing a lot of compulsions, my pattern of thinking was still pretty negative as well. It's just that it wasn't interfering in my life as much. I had reached some threshold of being okay and settled there, but I didn't really recover. 

So I think that is partly why I have relapsed, these patterns accumulated over the years and eventually led me back to the same problem. So this time around, I'm a bit older (and hopefully a little wiser!) and I'm determined to be more aware of these behaviours and thought patterns and deal with them in the proper way. It's quite hard and it takes a while before you see any benefits, but gradually I am starting to see my thinking change and it is amazing! 

So maybe the way to go about this is to focus less on the "why am I going through this" thoughts, believe me I've had those too, but they just make you feel sad about the situation and don't really help. Instead, try to focus on what you can do. I know it's easier said than done but it'll help. Maybe you're similar to me in that there were still certain behaviours or ways of thinking that you didn't quite eliminate or some compulsions you held on to. I think these can be really helpful to identify. 

Hang in there, so many of us have gone through this and gotten better, you can and will too!

Edited by malina
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Paradoxer: I agree that the theme or content of the obsession doesn't "matter" necessarily. It's easier to sum up the situation by using a theme. It's very common for people to refer to their current theme of OCD by calling it something. ex. HOCD, ROCD, Harm OCD, etc. But in the grand scheme of things, you're right, theme does not matter. OCD is OCD.

Malina: We seem to have very similar stories. When driving back from the vacation I mentioned in my original post, my hands started tingling and going numb. It was most likely a combination of anxiety and from sitting in one spot for so long while driving back home. I absolutely loath the TSA, so I decided we should drive back to Colorado from Florida. It takes many hours to drive that far, so I was sedentary for quite a while. Turns out, I don't have  MS either. It was just my brain dragging me through the mud. It's strange how scared I was at the thought of possibly having MS or ALS, and now I can think about it all I want without any anxiety spikes.

I really had most of my issues under wraps when I was "over it". For me personally, not keeping up with my meditation practice was a huge factor in my regression. There may have been some unhealthy behaviors I engaged in that I'm still not aware of. I really don't know to be honest. It's tough to keep going because it's so painfully difficult to tend to this constantly every day, only to wake up the next day feeling the same way or sometimes worse. It's worrying too because some people are "treatment resistant" and don't get better even after following the advice of the "professionals". Some people do ERP until they're blue in the face and still remain just as frightened and uncertain as they were before they even started therapy. That right there makes it hard for me to get better because I know there's a chance I won't. It's hard to move past that.

I agree that I shouldn't be focusing on the "why am I going through this" thoughts. It only drags me down and makes me feel like a victim. I'll try to focus more on what needs to be done to hopefully recover.

MentalChecker: You and I both. I don't know exactly what my compulsions are. I have an idea of what some may be though. I analyze thoughts, ruminate, try to figure out how I "really feel" about the thoughts and feelings, etc. It seems to be a bunch of mental behaviors. I don't think I have any outward visible compulsions. If I do, I'm not aware of what they are. Mental compulsions are so hard to stop because they become automatic. Our brains produce thoughts without us trying. Similarly, my brain starts ruminating and analyzing without me even trying; or so it seems. I find that when I notice myself ruminating, I'm either able to try my best to focus my attention on something happening in the present moment, or I get overwhelmed and swept up by the thoughts and feelings; typically leading to me crying my eyes out for a while as I feel like I'm going completely insane.

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Hi @Alien8, sorry to hear about your struggles.  I have had some similar experiences, which is why I wanted to add my own two cents, but mostly I think Malina is already giving you amazing advice!  
 

On 23/09/2019 at 04:19, Alien8 said:

I was standing out on the balcony of our room, located on the 10th deck/floor. The thought and urge of jumping over the side suddenly overwhelmed me out if nowhere.

I've never been on a cruise ship, but I've had this same exact feeling being in high places.  I was at a theater show, sitting up in the balcony area and the image of running to the edge and throwing myself off the balcony popped in to my head in the same way.  Walking across a tall roadway bridge over a river below, same experience.  It was terrifying, especially since, like you I have had fears of debilitating diseases, and death too.  You aren't alone in having these thoughts.  And, I would be willing to bet, if we were able to see in to the minds of everyone around us, we'd find that nearly everyone who is ever in a high place has those same thoughts.  The difference is that most of them either never really are aware of it, its a fleeting thought in the back of their mind, or they have the thought and realize it for just being noise/garbage.  I mean it makes sense to think about it when you are in a situation like that.  Your mind connects being high to jumping because thats a thing that happens right?  Movies, TV, sadly in real life.  So the image is already present in your mind, the association exists. The only difference is that when an OCD sufferer experiences the thought, it can get "stuck" and so we think its more meaningful than it actually is.
 

On 23/09/2019 at 04:19, Alien8 said:

I felt immense relief. Once we returned home, however, OCD latched on to a previous fear I honestly believed I was over and would never fear again. The thought crossed my mind, "kill yourself with the gun." The thoughts also take the form of vivid imagery.

In my case it was a knife.  I had the image in my head of slicing my wrists with a knife.  I got so terrified I took every knife sharper than a butter knife in my apartment, put them all in an old toolbox, and locked the toolbox in the storage room on the first floor of my apartment building so it would be far away from me.  I was that panicked about it.  Never mind there remained numerous ways in which I could harm myself if I REALLY had wanted to.  My response wasn't driven by rational thought but OCD.  In retrospect I can see that now, but at the time I was so terrified that all I could think of was getting rid of the knives.  Eventually I undid this, I brought the knives back in to the apartment, forced myself to hold them, even use them for cooking, etc. But it took time to recover to the point where I didn't still feel extremely nervous around sharp items.  
 

On 23/09/2019 at 04:19, Alien8 said:

I broke down into tears, "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be alive if I have to battle OCD for the 6th or 7th time. This is too much. I want out." Speaking this way and feeling this way only served to validate my fear. 

Its completely understandable to feel that way.  You are experiencing trauma, and its natural to want to not have to deal with trauma anymore.  I can also completely understand why feeling that way feeds in to your fear, but its important to separate the two, and thats an active choice you have to make.  
You have two, intertwined, but separate situations:
1: The anxiety/distress caused by the intrusive thoughts of hurting yourself (an OCD reaction)
2: The anxiety/distress cause by having to deal with OCD again and wanting it all to go away (a normal, human reaction to trauma)
Unfortunately the two situations are complicated by the nature of your anxiety, but its something that can be overcome.  You have to work at making active choices to treat this problem for what it is and to choose to react differently even though you feel anxiety/distress.  CBT can help you do that, and I'll echo what others have said that CBT (and possibly medication) are what you need to be focused on for recovery.  But CBT is not simply a therapy you go to and things get better, its really a methodology you apply to how you are living and dealing with the problem.  It can only work if you actively employ the principals (behavior) AND readjust your thinking (cognition) along the way.  It sounds like you are doing some of these steps, thats good, but its a long term effort.  Which brings us to your next comment:
 

On 23/09/2019 at 04:19, Alien8 said:

I keep reading and being told that in order to recover from OCD, you have to be determined. The problem is, I'm worn out. There are times every day throughout the day when I get this intense feeling of wanting to give up and die. It is absolutely terrifying. The determination seems to be gone. I feel like I did the day I realized I'm back in OCD hell, but even more so now than I did then. I feel like wanting to give up and be done with this nightmare affliction. In order to get better, OCD sufferers are expected to do ERP every day and engage in valued activities even when they feel extreme anxiety, depression, fear, doubt, and uncertainty. I've tried over and over again to do just that over the past few months.

Its true that to defeat OCD you have to be determined, but its a marathon, not a sprint.  You need to push yourself some, but you don't need to do it to exhaustion.  In my experience overcoming OCD involves not only being willing to put in the work, but in setting realistic expectations of improvement.  Of course you wish you could wake up tomorrow and feel immediately better.  The problem is when you use that as your measuring stick, you wake up the next day, have a bad thought, bad moment, bad experience, and you feel like you are right back to square one.  Either you have to be "better" or things are bad.  On the other hand, if you set expectations of "ok, today I'm going to do my best and try to improve a little bit, I still might have bad moments, but I am going to accomplish SOMETHING" then you can feel better about your progress.  

I find a few things that help me with this kind of approach.  One is journaling.  When I am going through significant OCD troubles I spend a little time each day writing in a journal.  Nothing too extensive, I don't want it to become a compulsion, but simply writing down how I felt that day, some of the anxieties I had, but also some of the things I did that were good.  Then I rate my anxiety level for that day.  Sometimes it goes up, sometimes it goes down.  If its down, thats ok though, I don't obsess about it always being good, I simply use it as a way of expressing myself.  But it also helps me to see and remember the good days, to know that I CAN feel better and that, in the past, over time, I have gotten better again.  But it also shows me that there were times before were I felt awful.  It seems worse now, because now is NOW.  But I felt awful before and got over that too.  These things don't last forever if we are taking the right steps to make progress. I had a therapist explain it to me once like being lost in a forrest.  You can be following the right steps, going down the right path, but it can seem like you are no closer to getting out than you were before.  You still feel like you are surrounded by trees.  But if you could see yourself from above you'd realize you actually ARE getting closer to the outside and that soon you'll even start to notice it, you just need to keep going, to keep having some patience.  Its not always clear when the break will occur, when you will find yourself starting to see the light again, but eventually it does happen.

Another thing that helps is to have specific plans and goals.  I set rules for myself.  I have to do certain things each day, even if they are simple ones like get out of bed and get showered and dressed within X minutes of waking up.  Even if I don't go anywhere that day I need to not just wallow in bed.  I make myself go to social gatherings even when I feel like I would rather stay home and hide.  Not EVERY possible gathering, I don't want to wear myself out, but at least some.  Setting goals and following a routine can be really helpful when you feel like you'd rather just sit around.  Its amazing how simply acting like you otherwise would can make you feel better, even if its just a little at a time.
 

On 23/09/2019 at 04:19, Alien8 said:

I don't know how to force myself to do the things I "want" to do when I don't "want" to do anything.

As I mentioned above, sometimes you just have to force yourself to do something, even when you don't feel like doing it.  This sort of "fake it til you make it" approach has also worked for me.  I don't "feel" like going and hanging out with my friends, but I know that absent the OCD I would, and find that almost all the time if I do force myself I feel better in the end.  Same goes for eating, when I'm really struggling with OCD I lose my appetite, so I force myself to make sure I eat on a regular schedule.  And again I find that I feel better after eating even though I didn't "want" to.  Again that doesn't mean forcing yourself to do EVERYTHING that you might have done when the OCD was gone/dormant.  You are struggling, you are "sick" so to speak so you don't have as much energy as you would otherwise.  You probably do need a little more rest, a little more down time, just to have the energy, but its important not to fall in to the trap of "resting" all the time, of avoiding.  You have to push yourself somewhat or you'll never move forward.  BUT its bad to push yourself too far.  You need to pace yourself.  You need to do ERP even though you don't want to, but maybe you don't need to do it EVERY day, or if you do, maybe you need to turn it down a level for awhile.  If you are 20% ok and you can get yourself to 25% ok by doing some work, its better than trying to get yourself to 30% better by doing twice as much work but burning out on it.  We all want to finish our projects like this one quickly but as the old saying goes, slow and steady wins the race.  ERP is best accomplished as a gradual and progressive practice, not going for the hardest tasks all the time.  

Think about running, when you run you need to lean forward a bit, otherwise you'll be inefficient and slow, but if you lean over TOO much you'll just fall flat on your face.  You want to lean at about the right amount.

So yes, take care of yourself and how you feel, but also be willing to push yourself a little.  If you can come up with a concrete plan for moving forward with your therapist, mini-goals to push for on your overall road to recovery you'll find it easier to measure your progress and easier to stay motivated.  You'll be able to see the milestones you reach and feel good about them.

Anyway, thats a lot to read, but I hope some of it is at least helpful.  Hang in there, its hard to see it now but you can get over this too.
 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Como é estranho rever-me na vida dos outros. Analisar vezes sem conta o que penso, como é a minha relação com o meu marido, se estou a fazer algo de mal, como me sinto, se estou ou não a melhorar... rever, rever... pensar, pensar, ... duvidar, duvidar... os pensamentos tantas vezes são iguais aos das outras pessoas mas, a mim, não me abandonam e não me deixam ter paz... num ciclo sem fim. E quando penso "consegui parar de pensar" apercebo-me que isso é pensar e remoer na doença. Não há um momento de paz.

Sofro de POC há mais de 30 anos, fiz várias medicações, muitas vezes deprimi e recuperei, há 7 anos entrei numa depressão profunda.... um desespero sem fim... numa desesperança atroz. Encontrei um psiquiatra fantástico que me tem apoiado. Fiz medicações, eletroconvulsivoterapia, terapia cognitiva comportamental... mas só comecei a melhorar após ter sido intervencionada cirurgicamente e ter colocado a Estimulação Cerebral Profunda (DBS), há 4 anos. Continua a sersua uma lutavez, contra a POC, a Depressão e a ideação suicida... que acabou por se tornar uma obsessão. Há cerca de um ano comecei o meu blog "Ver através da POC". Partilho...desabafo... dou testemunho deste nosso sofrimento.

Desejo a todos muita paz.... que acho que é mesmo o que mais procuramos.   

Um abraço... obrigada pela vossa partilha e por me fazerem não sentir tão só nesta luta.

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Em 10/04/2019 às 09:24, Eva Monte disse:

Como é estranho rever-me na vida dos outros.

Analise algumas vezes sem considerar o que pensa, como é minha relação com o meu marido, se estou fazendo algo errado, como sinto, que não estou melhorando ... rever, rever ... pensar, pensar ,. .. duvidar, duvidar ... Os meus pensamentos tantas vezes são iguais às outras pessoas, que não têm TOC mas, em mim, os pensamentos não me abandonam e não me deixam ter paz ... num ciclo sem fim.

E quando pensar "consegui parar de pensar" apercebeu-me que isso é pensar e remover uma doença . Não há um momento de paz !!!!

O Sofro de POC tem mais de 30 anos, faz várias medicações, muitas vezes diminui os sintomas e recupera, mas há 7 anos entre uma depressão profunda .... um desespero sem fim ... em uma desesperança. Encontrei um psiquiatra fantástico que me apoiou. Fiz medicações, eletroconvulsivoterapia, terapia cognitiva comportamental ... mas assim também melhora após ter sido intervencionada cirurgicamente e ter colocado uma Profunda Cerebral de Estimulação (DBS), há 4 anos. Continue a ser uma luta contra um POC, a Depressão e a ideação suicida ... que acabou por se tornar uma obsessão.

Há cerca de um ano comecei no meu blog "Ver através do POC". Ali partilho ... desabafo ... dou testemunho deste sofrimento.

Desejo a todos muita paz .... porque acho que é mesmo o que

Em 10/04/2019 às 09:24, Eva Monte disse:

 

mais procuramos.   

Um abraço ... obrigada pela vossa partilha e por mim não sentir tão só nesta luta.

 

Edited by Eva Monte
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I've come to the conclusion that I'm treatment resistant. I'm tired of fighting. "Treatment resistant" shouldn't even be in our vocabulary. Yet, here I am, as are many others, ready to throw in the towel because there's no hope left. I've tried to follow the instructions of my OCD specialist time and again. I only feel worse as the days go by. There's never a moment of true peace. If there's a next life, maybe I'll have better luck then. Other people have NO IDEA how fortunate they are to not have OCD. I'm over it. I'm done. Living with this is impossible.

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Hi Alien.

Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you feel this way and that you are not the only one feeling like that. I can't give anything by means of advice but just wanted you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. 

Please be kind to yourself whilst you are feeling so low. We have to hope that there are better days to come.

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I also suffer this horrible theme of suicide OCD so I know how awful it can be. 

Have you tried medication? 

Also if the exposure is not helping explain to your therapist and they should go back to the less intense exposures. Or maybe try a new therapist?

i find writing down a list of my compulsions helps as I can pin point them when I am doing them. It’s the compulsions that have to stop. 

I have had this theme for about 10 years and it comes in waves for me also and I always feel back to square one when I relapse.

hope ur feeling better. Just know that this will pass and you will get back to a much happier place.

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19 hours ago, Alien8 said:

I've come to the conclusion that I'm treatment resistant. I'm tired of fighting. "Treatment resistant" shouldn't even be in our vocabulary. Yet, here I am, as are many others, ready to throw in the towel because there's no hope left. I've tried to follow the instructions of my OCD specialist time and again. I only feel worse as the days go by. 

Hi Alien8,

I know this might seem an odd thing to say, but perhaps you are fighting too hard!

I too thought I were treatment resistant, & have to confess to trying a small amount of antipsychotic to help, but what I found in the past is that trying too hard can have an adverse effect with OCD playing harder still.

It is a balancing act, and I hope this helps.

 

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9 hours ago, CAH_05 said:

I also suffer this horrible theme of suicide OCD so I know how awful it can be. 

Have you tried medication? 

Also if the exposure is not helping explain to your therapist and they should go back to the less intense exposures. Or maybe try a new therapist?

i find writing down a list of my compulsions helps as I can pin point them when I am doing them. It’s the compulsions that have to stop. 

I have had this theme for about 10 years and it comes in waves for me also and I always feel back to square one when I relapse.

hope ur feeling better. Just know that this will pass and you will get back to a much happier place.

I'm about to start taking Zoloft. I'm very reluctant to take it. I've been on it before and I had side effects. I'm literally at the point where I'm feeling legitimately suicidal, so taking the medication is my last resort.

My initial fear/obsession revolved around thoughts of jumping from a high place. Then it morphed into thoughts of shooting myself with a gun. My therapist started me out with doing a knife exposure while listening to a flood tape. That didn't provoke much anxiety, so I told him I wanted to try something harder. He had me stand at the edge of a high place while listening to a flood tape. That provoked more anxiety, but it still didn't feel like i was targeting the right thing. We finally moved to gun exposures accompanied by a flood tape. I find that my anxiety and depression is so overwhelming by this point, that even the gun exposures don't make me feel any more anxious than I already do. When doing exposures, I don't feel like, "This is silly, I don't actually want to do this." I feel the opposite. I find myself agreeing with the flood tape and feeling like I actually want to go through with it and end this suffering. So, i don't know if going back to the other exposures is a good idea or not. I also really like my therapist and I believe he is excellent at what he does. I don't want to switch to a different therapist, especially since it took me so long to find my current therapist after going through a bunch of other "OCD specialists" that had no idea how to help me.

A HUGE problem I have is that I don't know what my compulsions are. They seem to all be automatic mental compulsions. But I'm still not certain what they are, so I don't know how to stop.

10 years?! That is such a long time to be dealing with this. I've been through this theme once before, lasting 8 months. This current bout has been going for 7 months. Do you ever feel like it's real? Do you ever feel legitimately suicidal because you're exhausted? I have no interest in doing anything, no goals or aspirations, and I genuinely feel like dying lately. It's scaring me so much. I'm afraid I've reached my limit and simply can't take it anymore. 

This could eventually pass. But what if I relapse as you have? Is that what our lives are destined to be? Recurring epiaodes of OCD hell that lasts for months on end? That right there is enough to make me want to just say screw this, and end it. If I can't live life with peace of mind, I don't want to live because it's unbearable. 

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7 minutes ago, Alien8 said:

I'm about to start taking Zoloft. I'm very reluctant to take it. I've been on it before and I had side effects. I'm literally at the point where I'm feeling legitimately suicidal, so taking the medication is my last resort.

My initial fear/obsession revolved around thoughts of jumping from a high place. Then it morphed into thoughts of shooting myself with a gun. My therapist started me out with doing a knife exposure while listening to a flood tape. That didn't provoke much anxiety, so I told him I wanted to try something harder. He had me stand at the edge of a high place while listening to a flood tape. That provoked more anxiety, but it still didn't feel like i was targeting the right thing. We finally moved to gun exposures accompanied by a flood tape. I find that my anxiety and depression is so overwhelming by this point, that even the gun exposures don't make me feel any more anxious than I already do. When doing exposures, I don't feel like, "This is silly, I don't actually want to do this." I feel the opposite. I find myself agreeing with the flood tape and feeling like I actually want to go through with it and end this suffering. So, i don't know if going back to the other exposures is a good idea or not. I also really like my therapist and I believe he is excellent at what he does. I don't want to switch to a different therapist, especially since it took me so long to find my current therapist after going through a bunch of other "OCD specialists" that had no idea how to help me.

A HUGE problem I have is that I don't know what my compulsions are. They seem to all be automatic mental compulsions. But I'm still not certain what they are, so I don't know how to stop.

10 years?! That is such a long time to be dealing with this. I've been through this theme once before, lasting 8 months. This current bout has been going for 7 months. Do you ever feel like it's real? Do you ever feel legitimately suicidal because you're exhausted? I have no interest in doing anything, no goals or aspirations, and I genuinely feel like dying lately. It's scaring me so much. I'm afraid I've reached my limit and simply can't take it anymore. 

This could eventually pass. But what if I relapse as you have? Is that what our lives are destined to be? Recurring epiaodes of OCD hell that lasts for months on end? That right there is enough to make me want to just say screw this, and end it. If I can't live life with peace of mind, I don't want to live because it's unbearable. 

Alien, nothing in this world can make you take your own life. You don't have to be afraid of getting depressed or wanting to die, because those feelings won't force you to suddenly do something. Regardless of how you feel, you can always resist and judging by your post, it sounds like you're more afraid of acting on this rather than actually wanting to act. 

And so what if you relapse? I've dealt with this and relapsed and yet life still goes on. And I have to say that it is nowhere near as bad as the first time. 

As for the compulsions - what do you do when the thought comes to your head? Like what is generally your reaction?

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Exposures are supposed to produce anxiety the important part is that you don’t react with a compulsion and keep doing them over and over again until the anxiety dies down. 

Thise type of exposures don’t work for me either as my fear is ‘what if I want it? What if I decide it’s the right thing to do? What if I get sick of relapsing and can’t cope anymore?’ So exposure for me would be like writing out a news report about me committing suicide. Or writing a suicide note to loved ones, thins like that. They terrify me as I am scared it will make me want to do it like I am going to accept this is my fate.

yes 10 years I have had this theme which comes in waves about every 2 years and lasts about 2 months. In between those relapses I have such a happy and perfect life. 

My family are my world and the thought I could do that to them terrifies me (I have always been scared of dying and breaking their hearts) we are so close.

try the medication again and try to stick with it. I have been on it for about 7 years now and it does seem to help. 

With each relapse I learn something new. This relapse is because I am currently pregnant and have had a stressful few months and although I am in the throes of ocd it doesn’t feel as bad as others. It’s like my brain is almost getting bored of the same thoughts. And I know it will pass eventually. 

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Also as for compulsions mine are all mental too. 

So I will always check my mood and if I am happy or down. I’d i feel down I worry I’m truely depressed.

i do a lot of thought stopping. Where I have a scary thought and then push it away.

i tell myself all the time that I love my family and I would never do that to them.

i question whether I think they are better off without me (which I know is totally not true)

then I google everything. Ocd, suicide ocd, relapse, depression and read about them for hours.

i spend hours on forums trying to find people that feel the same way as me and comparing myself. 

I avoid being alone. I sleep a lot so I can ignore the thoughts and feelings 

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