Seems Ive been possibly re-triggered.. thoughts would be appreciated!

[beckyboo]

Primarily my OCD runs on the whole 'harm' theme.. it started out as harm intrusions about my child.. always been centered around the youngest, through the work ive done over the years I established that this was because my youngest at that moment was the most vulnerable, dependant on me keeping them safe. 

i worked through that well & then suffered a relapse last year the theme changed after doing exposure work to suicidal OCD. I completed CBT & ERP for this i still have to work daily on the hypervigilance around my emotions & over analysing them as i now have a huge fear of becoming severely depressed.. This was caused by midiagnosis and risk asessments etc by persons with a lack of understanding around OCD. 

Things have been going great.. currently 21 weeks pregnant too! .. Ive been a bit of an outreach for someone in america who has been comparing herself to 'amanda / andrea yates' a huge case over there in which she was suffering psychosis and took the lives of her children. 

My partners gone out this morning im just sat with my toddler and up pops 'What take his life then your own' im sorry if it sounds horrible.. its literally made me feel sick & a need to be away from him just incase its not OCD and there is a real risk / Im a real risk to him! Im now sat thinking what if there is something else alongside the OCD thats going to cause me to act on this! .. I came into the kitchen an there was a knife on the side ..  the rational part of me knows how to do ERP and the approach is to leave it where it is and not engage in compulsions so i left it there, with minimal distress over leaving it there, but then came the question.. why was i able to to just leave it there... does that mean that its not OCD?? ... I have moved it now, washed and put it away in a drawer but more because i felt thats what i should be doing more than feeling compelled to if that makes sense?? Now sat posting in here feeling very confused on why ive not had the same reaction i typically had previously... is it because the intrusion has some truth to it deep down or is it because ive worked on my OCD so well that im not triggered in the way im used to? 

 

i know theres an element of reasurrence in this post and some certainty seeking.. But im really fearing now that im one of those mothers that do, do it! 

[beckyboo]

im now also sat worrying that this is going to set off a repeat of what i went through last year.. ive already been anxious over developing PND after babies born and i really am so afraid of another relapse.. it was such a terrifying time for me i would do anything to avoid a repeat. 

[malina]

Hi Becky,

I suffer from this theme a lot myself and completely understand what you're going through. It sounds like you have a good handle on things here and know what to do. 

32 minutes ago, beckyboo said:

Im now sat thinking what if there is something else alongside the OCD thats going to cause me to act on this!

I think that everyone with OCD thinks this! It's just OCD making you doubt yourself, but don't let it panic you. It's OCD and OCD alone that is making you think these things, nothing more.

34 minutes ago, beckyboo said:

so i left it there, with minimal distress over leaving it there, but then came the question.. why was i able to to just leave it there... does that mean that its not OCD??

Well, think about how someone without OCD would react to seeing a knife, they would just leave it and not even think twice about the knife being there. The fact that you even had to think about it is down to OCD. Someone else may have been like..."oh the knife is there" and not even cared. You did the right thing leaving it there and well done for not giving into compulsions! This is what you should be doing!! 

I'm sure you'll be fine, just keep doing what you have been learning to do. And congrats on your pregnancy!! 

[beckyboo]

3 minutes ago, malina said:

Hi Becky,

I suffer from this theme a lot myself and completely understand what you're going through. It sounds like you have a good handle on things here and know what to do. 

I think that everyone with OCD thinks this! It's just OCD making you doubt yourself, but don't let it panic you. It's OCD and OCD alone that is making you think these things, nothing more.

Well, think about how someone without OCD would react to seeing a knife, they would just leave it and not even think twice about the knife being there. The fact that you even had to think about it is down to OCD. Someone else may have been like..."oh the knife is there" and not even cared. You did the right thing leaving it there and well done for not giving into compulsions! This is what you should be doing!! 

I'm sure you'll be fine, just keep doing what you have been learning to do. And congrats on your pregnancy!! 

Thank you its nice to hear that actually im responding the right way. i think the self doubt is actually the cruelest part of OCD, intrusive thoughts i can deal with them easily.. but when they cause us to question ourselves thats thr ultimate torture. 

 

 

 

[CAH_05]

I’m right there with you with this theme. 

Currently having a bit of a relapse. 

Also currently pregnant, 14 weeks

pregnavy hormones and sickness has had been feeling quite low and I have therefore diagnosed myself with prenatal depression (huge fear of depression) and now my suicide ocd is in abit of overdrive

just want you to know your not alone xx

[beckyboo]

10 minutes ago, CAH_05 said:

I’m right there with you with this theme. 

Currently having a bit of a relapse. 

Also currently pregnant, 14 weeks

pregnavy hormones and sickness has had been feeling quite low and I have therefore diagnosed myself with prenatal depression (huge fear of depression) and now my suicide ocd is in abit of overdrive

just want you to know your not alone xx

Aww I'm so sorry your experiencing a relapse! .. ive had lots of time to reflect today, Ive been watching the 'Luther' tv series which isnt a usual genre for me & it is quite graphic so im putting alot of it down to that triggering some rather creative new intrusive thoughts.. the reason my lack of fear/distress response was there is because knives are no longer a trigger for me (done alot of ERP around them) 

please try not to self diagnose hun as this wont be helping, pregnancy & the elevated hormones is actually linked to OCD spikes with pregnant women, its also normal to have fluctuating moods too, if your like me you'll be overthinking those low moods, analysing them and also fearing another flare up... Remind yourself of your tools from what youve learnt, understand that low moods are quite normal and just takes a bit more effort to have self care in place. 

ive just re-refferred to IAPT for some CBT refresher sessions to remind me of my tools again. Your always welcome to pop me a messege as we deal with the same thing. 

[malina]

I just had to tell you, I don't have children yet but really want to in the next couple of years and I'm so afraid because of OCD and these harm thoughts. Reading your story has given me hope, which I know must sound really silly to you because you're suffering. I guess it's just encouraging to see that, while it's clearly hard, you're managing to do it and to have a family and find ways to cope with your symptoms. So hang in there both of you! xx