Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I'm done, over it. 

This week has been awful This year has been awful, in fact the past five years have been awful. I'm sure that all my fears have come true and I am the person I worried I was all along. With the 'sexual' thoughts, its just like I don't care anymore - they happen, I react and then I just think its true. Like today, I saw something and I felt like I wanted to do it and like I didn't care. I felt no disgust or anything. I can never convince myself that its not true. My dreams have been pointing to it. Also I seem to be convinced now that the 'world' keeps throwing signs my way and I can't escape them - like I'm supposed to be this way and I have no choice whatsoever. What's the point in me even complaining? I have constant headaches, all I want to do is stay in my house and do nothing - because what's the point?  It feels like I'm supposed to be unhappy - I can't be normal. I have to be tortured by my brain all the time. I'm sorry to be posting again. But I tried to just deal with it and not look further into stuff but by doing that it just convinced me even further that it is all true. 

 

Edited by don't know
Link to comment
  • Replies 74
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Hi. I know how distressed you are especially with sexual thoughts as I was tormented for years by them BUT believe me you are not done although you may think you are. This is a cruel condition which manifests itself in the most horrible ways but it's NOT reflective of you as a person. Define normal? ? People in general have intrusive thoughts of all kinds but, for whatever reason, OCD sufferers take them way too seriously.

I was diagnosed in the mid-90s and there was at that time very little understanding of OCD in the medical community or certainly not among the professionals I met. Despite everything that happened which I won't go into GOOD things also happened such as academic and professional success, travel and healthy relationships. Now at 47 I wouldn't say I was "cured" but I'm certainly not controlled by my thoughts like I was and pretty happy and relaxed much of the time.

I swear that if you find a competent therapist experienced in treating OCD and you are prepared to put the work in - you can get better. There's a lot of hope.

Link to comment

DK, keep your head up. This is all really hard, nobody is going to argue with that. You’re allowed to feel frustrated, angry and like giving up. But you have to keep fighting! You can beat this! We have all been where you are, you may not believe it but most of us here know what suffering feels like, we have been in the dark moments that you are in now and if we have made it through, you certainly can! 

What is happening with the counsellor at uni? And have you thought about going to see your GP?

Link to comment

I didn't look at this post for a couple of days because I'm sometimes scared of the replies. I was triggered really badly this morning and I just keep thinking 'what's the point?' I'm lying to myself constantly and its never ever going to get better. I feel like the world is pointing to these conclusion EVERYWHERE I go. It feels like I'm supposed to be like this. 

I just see other people around me who don't worry about these types of things  - and I'm here. The thing there is nothing good. I'm over that now. 

I stopped trying because I still can't get an appointment. I kind of don't want to go to my GP because I would have talk about all of this. 

Edited by don't know
Link to comment
15 hours ago, don't know said:

I feel like the world is pointing to these conclusion EVERYWHERE I go.

You are constantly looking around you for things to confirm your fear, therefore you interpret things around you to confirm your fear.  Its called confirmation bias.
Right now you are mentally ill, and as a result you are not in a good position to judge things fairly on your own.  You need to accept that and begin to accept the views and advice of the people around you with more experience in these areas, people who can view your situation more clearly.

 

15 hours ago, don't know said:

I just see other people around me who don't worry about these types of things  - and I'm here.

Just because you don't see people struggling with something, doesn't mean they aren't.  How many people you haven't told would know what YOU are struggling with?  If I asked one of your friends or family members you haven't talked to, could they tell me all about your struggles and what its about?  Aside from the people I've told, no one ever knew what my specific OCD fears were, what I was struggling with.  You can't assume everyone around you is doing great, we don't share a lot about our struggles, we actively hide them.

Further, there ARE people who struggle with the same types of anxieties as you do specifically AND with OCD worries in general.  You are not alone, even if you feel that way.  Again, you are selectively interpreting the situation to confirm your own fears rather than approaching it from a logical standpoint.  This is not unusual, most people have these biases in general, and OCD sufferers have problems specifically because of the nature of the disease.  Again, if you want to recover, you need to accept your own limitations and start accepting the help and advice of others.

 

15 hours ago, don't know said:

I kind of don't want to go to my GP because I would have talk about all of this. 

You mentioned in another thread you had stopped doing compulsions.  Well avoidance is a big compulsion.  Avoiding seeking help because you don't want to talk about your anxiety is a big compulsion.  Its absolutely understandable to not want to talk about it, who would?  But that doesn't mean you shouldn't.

Link to comment

I tried to stop my 'compulsions' I don't even like calling them that because it feels fake doing that. It's not even real. I'm so deep in denial, it's ridiculous. I probably have some sort of sexual disorder. The thing is I'm not looking for these things anymore - they literally just appear. 

19 hours ago, dksea said:

Right now you are mentally ill

Further, there ARE people who struggle with the same types of anxieties as you do specifically AND with OCD worries in general.  

I'm sorry but I'm confused - what's that supposed to mean? It's real isn't it. Why am I even caring at this point? I give up. That's so rude of me, I'm so sorry. I just don't understand what you mean by that. 

The thing about seeing someone about this, I don't want to sit down and go "I feel as though I'm attracted to members of my own family, that I have no free will, that I'm supposed to be this way, and that I don't actually care about people." Just feels like theres no point to it. 

Edited by don't know
Link to comment
1 hour ago, don't know said:
20 hours ago, dksea said:

Right now you are mentally ill

Further, there ARE people who struggle with the same types of anxieties as you do specifically AND with OCD worries in general.  

I'm sorry but I'm confused - what's that supposed to mean? It's real isn't it. Why am I even caring at this point? I give up. That's so rude of me, I'm so sorry. I just don't understand what you mean by that. 

I'm sorry for any confusion.
What I mean is that you have a mental illness, OCD, that affects how you feel and how you process information.
Also, that the fears and feelings you are struggling with are something other OCD sufferers struggle with as well, fears of incest, free will, etc.
Finally that even if the exact fears (incest, free will, etc.) don't match, the same patterns of behavior are present in other OCD sufferers just the same as you.
 

1 hour ago, don't know said:

The thing about seeing someone about this, I don't want to sit down and go "I feel as though I'm attracted to members of my own family, that I have no free will, that I'm supposed to be this way, and that I don't actually care about people." Just feels like theres no point to it. 

The point is you don't have to keep suffering like this, you can get help and get better.  Yes its uncomfortable, sometimes quite a bit so to discuss some of our fears with anyone, let alone a stranger.  However, mental health professionals are specifically trained for just these situations, and its better to be momentarily uncomfortable and embarrassed than to suffer a lifetime of anxiety and distress unnecessarily.

You've stated on multiple occasions that you accepted this as your "reality", so if it was denial, that would be the end of it no?  You'd have no reason to keep coming back, no reason to keep looking for help.  But if your problem is OCD, all the "acceptance of your denial" in the world wouldn't work, because its just a compulsion, its just a form of reassurance to gain the temporary relief from your intrusive thought, but it doesn't last.  If you are suffering from OCD, which all of us believe you are at this point, then the fact that you keep using the forums makes perfect sense.  If it was just denial then it wouldn't.

Link to comment
12 hours ago, don't know said:

The thing about seeing someone about this, I don't want to sit down and go "I feel as though I'm attracted to members of my own family, that I have no free will, that I'm supposed to be this way, and that I don't actually care about people." Just feels like theres no point to it. 

I know it's awkward, but these people have heard it all before and I'm sure they have encountered much weirder things. My therapist keeps telling me about all of the weird things that he has himself had to do to help his patients with doing exposures. They will understand and you are not the first person who has come in and said this to them. 

12 hours ago, don't know said:

I'm so deep in denial, it's ridiculous.

I'm sorry DK, but I think you're missing the definition of denial. You literally come online every few days and say "THIS IS ALL REAL, I ACCEPT IT, I GIVE UP" over and over again. How on earth is that denial? In fact, I'd say that you are trying to convince yourself that it's all true. It is the exact opposite of denial, yet you still have doubt because it's NOT real. You're in denial about having OCD, that is what you should be concerned about! 

Link to comment

If that is true, why come here to tell us? Why do you keep telling us?

This forum is one of the last things you have to hold onto. You've been crying out for help for years. Maybe you're too afraid to do something, anything. But doing something is better than staying stuck where you are.

 

Link to comment
On 27/09/2019 at 19:10, don't know said:

I'm done, over it. 

This week has been awful This year has been awful, in fact the past five years have been awful. I'm sure that all my fears have come true and I am the person I worried I was all along. With the 'sexual' thoughts, its just like I don't care anymore - they happen, I react and then I just think its true. Like today, I saw something and I felt like I wanted to do it and like I didn't care. I felt no disgust or anything. I can never convince myself that its not true. My dreams have been pointing to it. Also I seem to be convinced now that the 'world' keeps throwing signs my way and I can't escape them - like I'm supposed to be this way and I have no choice whatsoever. What's the point in me even complaining? I have constant headaches, all I want to do is stay in my house and do nothing - because what's the point?  It feels like I'm supposed to be unhappy - I can't be normal. I have to be tortured by my brain all the time. I'm sorry to be posting again. But I tried to just deal with it and not look further into stuff but by doing that it just convinced me even further that it is all true. 

 

It’s said a lot but you’ve just described me and no doubt most of us on and off. I’m guessing you know what really needs to be done and when you do let me know how you had the cocones to do it.

I’m same with the sexual thoughts and I drive myself to despair daily with never ending rumination from triggers past and present over decades. We’re like a walking internet of such utter **** it should be funny. 
 

keep going as you’re a total warrior really no matter what ocd tells you.

njb

Link to comment
On 30/09/2019 at 04:07, dksea said:

You are constantly looking around you for things to confirm your fear, therefore you interpret things around you to confirm your fear.  Its called confirmation bias.
Right now you are mentally ill, and as a result you are not in a good position to judge things fairly on your own.  You need to accept that and begin to accept the views and advice of the people around you with more experience in these areas, people who can view your situation more clearly.

Absolutely on the money there. That’s such an insightful statement and will help me loads.

Link to comment

I just continue to feel like I'm cursed or something. I've had issues the past few months about hair loss and apparently it can be a symptom of PCOS, which looks like something I could have and I just feel awful because its just another thing I have to deal with, especially seeing things about it  It sounds absolutely awful. It's also coming to terms with the fact that I have been lying to myself about all of this. I really am everything I feared. You know when people talk about that gut feeling - I've had that with everything.

Edited by don't know
Link to comment
5 hours ago, don't know said:

I ended up going onto one of those websites and somebody said that they didn't realise until later on. It's probably me. Why can't I just accept it? 

What about all the people who have these anxieties and AREN'T what you/they fear?  Maybe you can't accept it because its not true, its just an OCD driven anxiety.

Link to comment

Probably not. I ended up getting triggered because I'm like I have no choice/free will. Its really clear to me. I keep seeing signs everywhere and there's no escape - it shows me that its not something I can escape. It doesn't even matter. I know this is all true. I'll never be fine. There's so much proof. There really is and I'm just not up for it anymore. It's just been a waste of time. Again, what's the point? 

Edited by don't know
Link to comment

The point is this is treatable and you can live a rewarding and fulfilling life if you accept it for what it is and do the work to get better, including getting help.

Or you can keep doing what you are doing and suffering.

Get better, or get worse, those are your REAL choices.

Link to comment

I really don't believe that. It's just one of those things. When people say you keep doing the same thing, it just happens. I'm not actively doing anything. It's how I really am and a lot of past behaviours/things can justify why this is happening now. I am truly fake. It's like I woke up one day and everything I thought was real wasn't. I feel as though I've always been this person - I'm just not accepting that because I have this stupid wish that all of this isn't real. I really wish that I could be the person I thought I was. But that's not going to happen. People say they realise tons of things about themselves. I've seen people say they had no clue or were suppressing themselves - I'm one of them. Expect I have lots of reasons why and I'm just not accepting it. 

Edited by don't know
Link to comment
5 hours ago, don't know said:

I really don't believe that.

You absolutely have that right (thought I strongly disagree with your conclusion).

But if thats the case, if you believe this is not OCD, what is it you hope to gain by continuing to post on a forum dedicated to OCD?  I'm not saying you have to leave or that you are unwelcome, (I honestly hope you will stay and come to accept what the rest of us see with out any real doubt, because I think your life would be so much better for it).  But I think you really need to consider why you continue to post here if you are so certain?  My guess is that you aren't at all certain, that you have lots of doubt, and you really do want to get help and get better.  If you had genuinely accepted the "truth" of who you are as you believe it, then I think you'd have walked a way a long time ago.  But if, instead, this is all driven by OCD, it doesn't surprise me at all that you are still here, because the certainty that you state that you have is illusory, temporary, and the doubt keeps coming back again and again.  Because thats how OCD works.

But its up to you what to do next.

Link to comment

I ended up having a dream which I felt confirmed my fears. I don't feel scared or anxious - it feels like I enjoyed it/even wanted it in real life. I feel like I should just surrender to the idea that all of these things are true. 

I post here because I have for years. I was in therapy and was on medication for OCD at the time. But as time has gone on it's just shown itself not to be OCD. I can't face the reality - so I hide behind this forum and denial. 

Edited by don't know
Link to comment
11 hours ago, don't know said:

so I hide behind this forum and denial. 

When you are in denial about something, you fight that possibility and embrace the alternative.

So which possibility are you fighting?  That this is OCD.
Which alternative are you embracing?  That this is your "true nature".

Yes, you are in denial, but its that you have OCD that you are in denial about.

Link to comment

But when I don't fight it like today - it felt that I wanted every single thing I don't want to happen, actually happen. I didn't feel panicked. Also when I was on YouTube all along my recommended were videos about 'signs the universe is giving you' and I clicked on one and I had never felt so calm, looking at the comments as well. It's like I missed these thoughts/feelings. What's that about? It's so clear to me. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



×
×
  • Create New...