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On 20/10/2019 at 14:56, don't know said:

I know its even worse because I still get the urge to post on here (like I'm doing just now)  or read other people's posts. I'm just addicted to this site. I saw as my last hope for so long. I need to stop. 

Very meta!

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On 21/10/2019 at 06:56, don't know said:

I know its even worse because I still get the urge to post on here (like I'm doing just now)  or read other people's posts. I'm just addicted to this site. I saw as my last hope for so long. I need to stop. 

So you engage in a compulsive behavior that helps relieve the distress you are feeling?

Why does that sound so familiar...

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I'm trying to stop using this forum. I was visiting my family today and I shook somebodies hand and I got aroused by it. It confirmed that it was all true (sorry). There's no point in lying to myself like I've been doing for so many years. All of my fears were torment because I didn't know what was going on, why was I now feeling this way etc. But the thing is I always have and I didn't know it; I didn't realise it until I started making excuses for myself and hiding behind this. People think I'm clearly insane and I don't blame them. All this time - before any of this started, I was probably ashamed of myself and repressed it and acted surprised when it would happen. It's time that I give it up. At this thing people were asking me what I planned to do in the future, if I was seeing anyone, jobs and all that. Its normal conversation for others but to me I got sick at the thought of my future; I can't even hide it because I know that I don't want any of that but I'm just accepting it. I gave up on that hope of a normal life because I'm facing that I forced myself to be normal and all my life I've had these attractions - I can pinpoint multiple times where this has happened. The evidence is ridiculous and nothing can give you/or take away feelings. I don't even feel ill saying that. I feel free.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by don't know
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Look, I'm just trying to lead you to a little truth. You say one thing but your actions say something else.

You've spent an inordinate amount of time trying to convince us, OCD people, that you don't have OCD. You dismiss everything we say. Lately you've been saying you are accepting that you are just a deviant and, oh, that is making things so much better.

Yet... you come here and post about it every day. You tell us over and over. Once again, if all this is not bothering you, why come here and post about it, day in and day out?

Would you go to your doctor every day and tell her everything that is not bothering you? 

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11 hours ago, don't know said:

I was visiting my family today and I shook somebodies hand and I got aroused by it. It confirmed that it was all true

You keep making these pronouncements as if there is no possible alternative explanation.  There is.  OCD.
Awhile back I was struggling with suicidal intrusive thoughts.  Anytime I would walk near anything remotely high (like walking over a bridge) I would have the image of jumping off of it pop in to my head.  I didn't WANT that image, it just happened.  By your logic that means my "true self" was a suicidal person who wanted to jump off a bridge.  Luckily I had access to a good therapist and was able to overcome those intrusive thoughts by treating them as the OCD that they were, and applying CBT.  Now?  I don't have those thoughts anymore, or rather, if I ever do have those thoughts pop in to my head, I don't care, because its just useless noise.  I will only jump off something if *I* decide I want to.  We are not pre-programmed machines, destined to follow a program without question.  We are free-thinking individuals who can control our own lives.
 

11 hours ago, don't know said:

I can't even hide it because I know that I don't want any of that but I'm just accepting it. I gave up on that hope of a normal life because I'm facing that I forced myself to be normal and all my life I've had these attractions - I can pinpoint multiple times where this has happened. The evidence is ridiculous and nothing can give you/or take away feelings. I don't even feel ill saying that. I feel free.

I do agree that your evidence is ridiculous, but not in the way you mean.  But you are wrong to say that nothing can "give you" or "take away" feelings.  Thats exactly what mental disorders do, they screw with your feelings.  Depression makes you feel sad, even when you have no reason to be.  Anxiety disorders make you feel anxious, even when you have no reason to be.  Hell, normal life does this all the time.  Haven't you ever watched a movie and felt sad or happy for a character?  Even though you KNOW they aren't real?  Haven't you ever cried or at least teared up when someone in a movie dies?  They don't REALLY die you know?  Yet you feel emotional.  Because emotions aren't triggered solely by reality.  Emotions can be triggered, can be given to you by LOTS of things.  Further, just because you have a thought or an image or an "urge" doesn't mean it represents your "true nature".

Here's another example of "evidence" not meaning what you think it means.

11 hours ago, don't know said:

I don't even feel ill saying that. I feel free.

I can say "I'm a murderer!  I love killing people."  I don't feel ill saying that or typing it.  It doesn't bother me in the slightest.  Why?  Because it's true?  Or because it's meaningless.  I could say I'm incestously attracted to my cousin.  I just typed it out.  I wasn't immediately revulsed by it.  Does that mean I want to boink my cousin?  Not at all.  Having an extremely negative reaction CAN mean you don't like something.  But NOT having an extreme reaction doesn't mean you therefore like something or that it represents your "true nature".

Meanwhile I'm not remotely surprised that you have arousal thoughts when the idea of incest comes in to your mind from whatever source.  Not because its your "true nature" but because you have spent so many hours/days/weeks/years connecting incest and arousal in your mind, they are bound to come up together.  Like Pavlov's dogs you've connected these two things deeply in your mind.  Such connections are NOT permanent, they are not proof.  Its merely operant conditioning at work.  You were no more predestined to believe you were incestuous than those dogs were to drool at the sound of the bell.  
 

8 hours ago, don't know said:

I feel calmer - it's just easier to get on with things. 

Why would being on the forums make you calmer?  Why would you NEED to be calmer.  If this is who you are, if its your true nature, why wouldn't you already BE calm?
 

8 hours ago, don't know said:

Again, what am I supposed to do?

If this is truly who you are, if its really your "true nature" then you move on with your life and are happy about it.  You wouldn't have any need whatsoever to come to these forums.  You could easily stop, it wouldn't even be a question.  In fact you'd have stopped before now.  It wouldn't make sense to keep coming back here.

But it would make perfect sense to keep coming back here, to keep engaging in a compulsive behavior for reassurance and relief if you had OCD.

What are you supposed to do?  Accept that you are not in a position to diagnose yourself, that your compromised, and that you need the help of professionals.  Accept that you are ill and as a result you are suffering, not because of your "true nature" but because of a sadly common condition.  Trust us and listen to us, we have nothing to gain by lying to you, we get nothing out of those if we are right or wrong.  There's no quota system at work here.  We don't get a reward for convincing someone they have OCD.  The doctors don't give us a cut of their money.  We do this because we have been where you are, we have suffered immensely and we have also, through hard work and getting help, come out the other side, much better than before.  We want to give you the same experience because we know it's possible.  We know that your life doesn't HAVE to be this way.

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Polarbear - i understand what you are trying to say. I wouldn't go to my doctor and tell them everything that wasn't wrong with me but here's the thing - if it looks like something and acts like something - its probably because it is. That's my issue, I'm getting feelings, arousal, images, urges and not dying from anxiety, seemingly enjoying them and dealing with this realisation. Like I've said I've been posting on this forum for a couple of years so my first instinct would be to write about it to get it off my chest. I'm not happy about it but that's life.

Dksea - the issue that people who don't have OCD but are actually into these things sound like me, feel the same things as me - what makes me so different? The fact that I post here? The point is this isn't going to go away because this is who I truly am. There's no point in dancing around the truth. I've been feeling this way for years, noticed it, freaked out and now here I am. 

People who are into this kind of stuff aren't happy about it - they feel shame, go through denial, repression etc. Why is it any different for me? I think its more complicated than that. 

The thing is I feel as though I'm starting to move on with my life. I no longer cry or feel sad about the life I wanted (or thought I wanted) I've just come to terms with it. I don't even want it anymore. 

I know this community only wants to help and I really do appreciate you guys. 

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1 hour ago, don't know said:

People who are into this kind of stuff aren't happy about it - they feel shame, go through denial, repression etc.

Sounds to me like they aren't actually in to it if it doesn't make them happy.
 

1 hour ago, don't know said:

Why is it any different for me?

Aside from the fact that you exhibit clear OCD behavior?  Maybe its not, have you ever considered maybe their problem is OCD too?  Its not exactly a rare condition, a LOT of people struggle with it and don't even know it.

You continue to post here, you describe it as something you are compelled to do, that it relieves you.  Thats not accepting and moving on.
You continue to talk about how you are giving up on what you wanted, what you hoped.  That doesn't sound like being happy.
You continue to try and convince yourself and us that this is "who you are".  That doesn't sound like accepting and moving on either.
Yes, giving up on fighting takes away the stress, it comes as a bit of a relief, thats not at all surprising, but it doesn't mean the fight isn't real, or worth it.  Again this is an example of you concluding something as certain that has many other explanations.

I think you either won't leave the forums, or you'll come back to the forums because you are still unhappy, because you are still struggling, and because your problem is not one of "accepting" incestuous feelings.  I believe you have OCD and you will continue to struggle because you haven't accepted that truth.  But maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe you are happy and will continue to be happy.  If thats the case, great.  I wish you the best.  You don't have to justify it to any of us, you can leave and be happy, we won't blame you.

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I, for one, have had enough. We are doing you no favours by continuing to engage your compulsive, negative posting.

Our good intentions are being abused by your mental illness. This has been going on for years.

I'm done responding to your posts. 

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I spent all day on these forums and websites to see how I can come to accept myself because the evidence is all there. A lot of these people didn't realise and are now coming to accept themselves. I was reading it and saying out loud (I was alone) "yeah that's me" "that explains my behaviour" etc, I was feeling relief which isn't the typical OCD thing because usually you'll go I feel so different therefore I'm not that. I would write a list of 60+ things here to prove it was right. I then thought to myself about it and then nearly threw up, that's whats happened in the past with other stuff. I come to accept it, becomes too much to handle and then just go back to being like this.I feel as though I don't connect with myself. I know that doesn't make any sense. It's kind of like I envisioned my life going in another direction but  I'm just dealing with this and trying to get on with it; like I keep saying no one would choose a life like that if they had the choice. I feel like a fool but I also feel fine and like a huge weight as been lifted off of my shoulders - like in two years time it'll be over if I just keep working at it (the acceptance I mean). I also feel like my posts scare people and I really do apologise for that. I don't believe anyone on this forum has any reason to worry at all about their thoughts, because I believe it is OCD just being awful to you, which sucks.

But what I'm doing here is being in denial about it - I'm pushing this away so much by running back here all the time. I also ended up reading an OCD post on another forum where it came true for them (sexual themed). I don't want to live my life knowing that its true. It's so stupid because I'm forever just going to be in denial of my behaviour, feelings etc. I wish I could just disappear forever. I looked at therapy in order to help accept myself and its so expensive because the NHS has had no idea what to do with me in the past and I really just am stuck at a crossroads. I feel like I need some type of specialist treatment in which I come to accept that person I am, not the person I want to be. 

Edited by don't know
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7 hours ago, don't know said:

I come to accept it, becomes too much to handle and then just go back to being like this.I feel as though I don't connect with myself. I know that doesn't make any sense.

No, your behavior makes perfect sense.  For someone who has OCD.
 

7 hours ago, don't know said:

because the evidence is all there.

You've stated this in the past.  You've stated that certain things are "proof" of what you believe or "proof" its not OCD.  When its pointed out that neither of those things are true you never respond.  You ignore it.  You need to face the fact that you are not able to evaluate the situation clearly.  This is true of most sufferers of mental illness (and other problems, alcoholics are often very bad at recognizing they have a problem for example).  I tell you this not as a criticism of you as a person, but hoping you will FINALLY recognize that your analysis of the situation can't be trusted.
 

7 hours ago, don't know said:

I was feeling relief which isn't the typical OCD thing because usually you'll go I feel so different therefore I'm not that.

Except its perfectly reasonable to feel relief at giving up a fight.  Your bigger problem right now is your denial of OCD.  THAT is what you primarily fighting against, THAT is your biggest problem.  The other stuff  has become secondary to that.  Also, if you were truly relieved, then you wouldn't keep coming back here.  Yet you do. 
 

7 hours ago, don't know said:

I also feel like my posts scare people

We aren't scared by your posts, we are exasperated by them. The only scary aspect is seeing someone who clearly is in pain and clearly needs help, giving up and giving in.  But otherwise? Not remotely scary.  I'm not sure where you are getting the impression that any of us are scared.

 

7 hours ago, don't know said:

. I feel like I need some type of specialist treatment in which I come to accept that person I am, not the person I want to be. 

Or maybe, here's a crazy thought, you are a person suffering from a common mental illness, a mental illness that easily explains all your problems and behaviors, a mental illness that can be treated and managed.

But fine, if you would rather accept the idea that you are somehow destined towards incestuousness, thats your choice.  If thats the case there's nothing we can do for you here.  I'd say farewell but I don't think you're actually going to leave.

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I've taken a couple of days out. I'm dealing with everything being true and I no longer panic about things. As soon as all this comes into my head or I experience these feelings or lack of feelings - I just say 'You're right.' I don't cry about it anymore. I was just making up everything that I wanted for myself, to the point where I feel uncomfortable with the thought, like extreme sickness because I'm a liar. This is one of the reasons why it can't be OCD because of reactions like that. 

For example, the handshake last week - if I truly wasn't this person I wouldn't have felt anything but the fact that I felt something and it happens every time I would say is evidence that everything is true.

These past five years have just been one huge mess and when people say that it can get better I never believe them. It feels like theres no reason to because whenever I try and change it just makes it worse and proves everything to be true. Like whats the point of doing exposures if I'm just highlighting thats its all true? I've just been going onto these other sites and I continue to read these things and it no longer provokes anxiety/sadness - its just how I've been feeling. It feels like thats where I actually belong. I wish it hadn't come to this but embracing that this is all OCD when there's too much to lump me into the feared conclusion would be pointless. But again this whole thing is pointless - just like these posts. 

Edited by don't know
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1 hour ago, don't know said:

This is one of the reasons why it can't be OCD because of reactions like that. 

Sorry but thats not how OCD works.  Nothing you've described proves "it can't be OCD". Repeatedly posting here about how "it can't be OCD because of XYZ" seems like denial to me.

Maybe you are hoping you'll convince us its not OCD, and we will somehow give you our blessing by agreeing with you, by confirming your views.  I can absolutely relate to that desire.  Having our views on something confirmed by others is reassuring.  But to be perfectly honest, I just don't think I will ever come to see your problem as anything other than OCD.  While you may not believe it, to me all the things you have posted in your many many posts merely confirms that diagnosis to me.  Of course I could be wrong.  I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist.  I haven't met you in person.  I can only go based on what you have shared here and my own experience.  But based on that my belief is very strongly set.  

You are of course free to believe this is not OCD, that you have a different problem.  However you choose to move forward is up to you.  If believing this is not OCD, that this is your "true" nature is what makes you able to live your life, then I wish you luck.  But you are going to have to make that choice without me (or likely the other people here) agreeing with you.  I'm sorry if that is hard for you, but our agreement or disagreement with your diagnosis doesn't really change anything for you in the long run.  You are the one who has to live with your choices, not us.  You are the one who it will affect.  So I hope you find the peace you are looking for.  But if that peace involves believing its not OCD, then I don't think there is really any reason to keep posting on an OCD support forum.

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17 hours ago, don't know said:

This is one of the reasons why it can't be OCD because of reactions like that. 

Sorry DK but for someone who claims not to have OCD, you certainly think you know a lot about it. I think it's unfair of you to come here and tell people what can and cannot be OCD, if you truly don't have it, you can't possibly know how it feels or make that judgement. I don't want to be mean to you or to tell you to stop posting, but saying things like that is just irresponsible of someone who claims not to even have the condition. 

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You guys are completely right. I'm really sorry for posting on the forum, at this point its just ridiculous and I've just exhausted it; its really not fair to you. I'm really sorry for upsetting you/annoying you all. 

Edited by don't know
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