Obsession in Dream - quite low right now and seeking connection with fellow sufferers

[njb]

Hi,

Diagnosed ocd years ago. Just had back surgery and last two weeks been constantly ruminating and testing myself relentlessly. Been on sertraline for a good few years again. I've had to take two types of antibiotics which are very strong to cure a low grade bone infection ano doc says these interact with sertraline. Add to the that pregabalin for nerve pain and I'm a bit off colour. Just wanted to state that for context but I would say none of that really makes that much difference to my ocd so my post is simoly a post I would do normally ha ha.

I obsess endlessly about underage and children in a sexual way. Last night I woke at 3 and did load of ruminacting then got back to sleep. I then woke at 7 recalling a dream I had where I had sex with a 10 or 12 or some thing year old and I'd liked it. It was graphic and only second time in all the 13 years of this theme ive had an ocd dream like this, well, a few awful incest ones growing up, but like this as a mature man, no. But what scared me more was recalling the dream came to me in same way as if it was arousing. It was pretty explicit and as i type i flit between 'you loked it it is real' to 'its ocd you dont like that' over and over. The dream contained all typesmof angles like resisting desire then fulfilling it and so on. Fears in times of clarity and equally arousing in an appropriate setting with age appropriate partner but ocd twisted in my ocd mind i hope. However, when I spent time going over the dream and inserting actual 10 or 12 year olds I could see true self and not feel desire. Equally I can events both with desire and not. I think what I am doing is inserting sexual thoughts kind of ensuring they are ever presenot and then applying 10 or 12 and my brain is already in the heart desire statemail and anxiety etc is concurrent or pretty close behind with guilt etc. If I strictly apply to the thought of the age 10 or 12 then thenter dream as in the hehe sexual bitso I regain clarity on my natural state of seeing themy as non sexual. 

I just hope that my dream is akin to waking hours as I manage to get my mind confused in same way in waking hours. I wonder if my recollection is pleasant as is the ocd thoughts which I find unpleasant but in my dream I'm not there to ruminate. I'm just utterly lost and convinced my ability to still reflect on elements now proves I'm simply denying I have a paedohpile traits. I wouldn't hurt a child for all the world and when not in my ocd spiral enjoy periods of no thoughts at all. 

Any thoughts anyone please as I'm so frightened that being able to feel the dream desire means I seek that in real life because I can feel the way the dream felt. Hope that makes sense. Whilst typing I consider that I am feeling that way because that was the dream and then thinking if I was able to ruminations in the dream I would have altered the false desire. I don't know, I'm utterly lost and alone. Analysing a dream is tough.

Njb

Edited September 30, 2019 by njb

[njb]

Anyone about ?

[Binxy]

Same old stuff for njb. You know I can't reassure you by discussing the dreams- I think you've been here with this before? Remember, it's not the thoughts (or the dreams)- it's how we respond to them. How did you manage to push through this stuff the last time you had a similar worry?

[njb]

Hi Binxy,

Thanks for your reply and direction. I’m going to distract and distance. Physical restriction, meds and boredom triggering me. I know it’s the reaction but as always ocd twists it to make the obsession the focus. When people say it’s not the thought we always believe in our souls our interpretation (worse fears) is being laid out before us in terror. What we forget is our skewed focus and we ought bob like a cork over all of it. 
 

Hope you are well and thanks once again for propping me up in the right way.

i need to try harder as I’ve wasted so much of my life on rumination and self testing. 13 years I think on this theme. What a nonsense.

Take care.

njb

[Binxy]

11 minutes ago, Petal said:

Im also good at giving advice but not taking it NJB

Me too!

[njb]

32 minutes ago, Binxy said:

Me too!

Thanks binxy

[njb]

45 minutes ago, Petal said:

The fact that you’re bothered by it and over analysing screams ocd as if you really had paedophile traits you wouldn’t be beating self up worrying you’d be seeking out a child and gaining pleasure not writing here.

my aim is not to reassure but support and state a fact I.e ocd grasps onto what we fear the most and by carrying out compulsions we communicate To ourselves that the thought is real and important. 

Im also good at giving advice but not taking it NJB - you can get through this

Huge gratitude for your guidance and support today Petal. Hope you’re getting to a better place too. 

[njb]

On 30/09/2019 at 17:49, Petal said:

No worries we’re here for each other it’s bloody awful this condition

just not obvious to selves or others not here who don’t know ocd! I function so normally at worK no one would have any idea what goes on in my head when in its throes

I can relate to that. Like a second engine running at lightning speed as you nod and agree or shake head and disagree with real world whilst grippimg on to the ocd fright train running through your head into the hole from hell with a giant insect pullimg you in ! I'm lucky enough to work with awesome people and I took to telling them progressively over last few years and it's been lovely to see how accepting things are becoming. Helps that the company has good ethos but it really helps. Take care.☺