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I've crossed a line and my obsessions have come true.


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I haven't posted on here in a while, mostly because my OCD? Has been fairly under control for the last few months. I've been working and I've been at uni which has been keeping my mind busy and myself occupied I've been going out a lot more which has been good for me as well. The past couple of weeks have been hard though, mostly due to being back on social media I keep nearly falling into my old compulsion of typing stuff in to see what comes up but I've managed to avoid that. I have also had intrusive thoughts that I'm attracted to teenagers when I'm serving them in the shop but I try not to ruminate about it telling myself if this is the case there's nothing I can do about it and get on with my shift.

Essentially OCD has been trying to get me for the past few weeks now and today I think it did, but the thing is I'm not even sure this is ocd anymore. There may be an element to it but there are other things going on. Basically this morning I had an intrusive thought about a pornographic image of an underage anime girl that I had accidentally stumbled across while doing checks for my POCD a while back. The thought was saying that I wanted to look up this image and masturbate to it and I got an erection while in the shower which really freaked me out.

I basically concluded that it was just intrusive thoughts trying to mess with me again and then put it out of my head and went to uni. Pretty much as soon as I got back from uni the thought started to circulate in my head again. I was having my birthday night out tomorrow and most people have now replied that they can't make it so I fell into a bit of a rut, at this point the thought to look up that image again came back. 

The thought was telling me to just give in and masturbate to this image, and I am so sickened with myself. I did look up the image but I don't know why I did, whether it was to test my attraction to it or whether I genuinely wanted to. I felt incredibly anxious while this was happening but I dunno if this is the anxiety that comes with compulsions or anxiety because I was doing something wrong. I looked at the image and I felt really anxious again but I had an erection while I was looking at it which made me feel disgusting and really unsure of myself. 

 I clicked off the image because I couldn't take it but the thing is I masturbated slightly after I came off it and I ended up ejaculating, I know this is tmi but I have to be honest. I feel absolutely sickened with myself, there was no orgasm, no pleasure, it just sort of happened. I actually felt horrible while it was happening. 

The thing is I dunno why I even did that, I feel like I just gave into a really sick urge in my head rather than a compulsion. I honestly feel like I've just turned into the thing I've been afraid of becoming all these years. I have done something really really wrong and i'm absolutely ashamed of myself. I had a good start in uni i was making my family proud, making new friends and I've just messed everything up. 

Honestly I'm getting to the point of just giving up because I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I feel like I'm just going to cause my family and friends pain if I'm around much longer. They think I'm a good guy but the truth is they're too good for me, I just feel like things have gone too far now. 

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5 hours ago, mrgarfield94 said:

Basically this morning I had an intrusive thought about a pornographic image of an underage anime girl that I had accidentally stumbled across while doing checks for my POCD a while back. The thought was saying that I wanted to look up this image and masturbate to it and I got an erection while in the shower which really freaked me out.

You were doing checks (a compulsion), later you had an intrusive thought (an obsession).  I know all of this is distressing to you, I know you think the details in this case mater or make it somehow different, but honestly, its not.  Its OCD.  I've been on these boards for some time now, and dealing with OCD a lot longer, trust me when I tell you nothing you've said shocks me at all, it all is par for the course when it comes to dealing with OCD.
 

5 hours ago, mrgarfield94 said:

I honestly feel like I've just turned into the thing I've been afraid of becoming all these years. I have done something really really wrong and i'm absolutely ashamed of myself. I had a good start in uni i was making my family proud, making new friends and I've just messed everything up. 

If you were what you feared you wouldn't be upset about it.  You had a bad day, that doesn't mean you've messed everything up.  You still have those new friends, you still had a good start in uni, you can still make your family proud.  You also have an illness called OCD which makes parts of your life more difficult than other peoples.  Thats terribly unfair and unfortunate, but you haven't messed everything up.  Trust me.
 

5 hours ago, mrgarfield94 said:

Honestly I'm getting to the point of just giving up because I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I feel like I'm just going to cause my family and friends pain if I'm around much longer. They think I'm a good guy but the truth is they're too good for me, I just feel like things have gone too far now. 

Again, you had a bad day, that happens with OCD.  It doesn't make you a monster and you'll cause your friends and family far too much pain by doing something rash and NOT being around. Everyone has their struggles, everyone has bad days.  Your family included.  You have not gone "too far".  If you want to do something, then do something to get better. The bigger challenge, the challenge you and they can be most proud of is to take on OCD and win.  If you aren't getting therapy, then you should pursue that.  You should use this as an opportunity to work at overcoming your OCD, learning from any mistakes (like checking compulsions) you have made and change going forward.  You'll probably still make mistakes, we all do.  25+ years in and I'm still making mistakes with my OCD, but fewer and less impactful.  Overcoming OCD is a long term battle, you have to be stubborn :)  Hang in there and keep living your life, thats the best thing you can do.

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@dksea I really appreciate the kind and thoughtful reply, but I think this was bigger than just making a mistake with OCD. I had an intrusive thought and I acted on it... I had an intrusive thought about looking up that Image and masturbating to it and thats what happened. Thats acting on a thought which is supposed to not happen with OCD. I feel like saying it was something relating to OCD is a bit of a cop out. I'm going to see about getting counselling through university on tuesday as I feel like its the best and fastest option available to me at this stage. I don't know why I looked up the image, I don' know whether it was because I wanted to or just to get the thought out of my head. I don't know whether I did this intentionally because I was feeling low or I just gave in to a compulsion because of my low mood. I'm so confused.

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mrgarfield94, 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through - it sounds awful. I don't blame you for feeling angry at yourself and confused, but I have to say I agree with the other poster - it's OCD. Not to be TMI myself, but I also get sexual intrusive thoughts - I have since I was a little kid. I really don't know why I do - probably because of some PTSD from an abusive relative - but the thoughts disgust me, because I'm completely celibate in all other parts of my life, and happy to be that way until I'm lucky enough to get married. It scared me so much because I took it personally because it felt like it was something I was "really doing" like you said, but I got MUCH better in the last couple years once I realized that I was mainly "acting on it" because I was taking it personally, and once I realized the thoughts were just OCD thoughts, I wasn't so scared anymore and they didn't have as much power over me anymore. Anyway, hopefully I didn't gross you out, but I really hope my own experiences let you know you don't have to be scared and you can get through this. 

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Sorry to hear this, my ocd is giving me a hard time at the moment about weird porn and the like which I looked at when I was younger, fantasies I had and so on. It's worse when it actually seems like it's based on something real. I hope you feel better soon 

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I also suffered from sexual abuse from a family member when I was younger and I'm pretty sure it's a root cause of my sexual intrusive thoughts myself and why being a paedophile is one of my biggest fears.I do accept that things started off as OCD a few years but I don't think it explains my actions. That image popped up in my head and I got a groinal response which freaked me out. Later on when I was feeling low I looked up that image, again I dunno why whether it was to test myself and I wanted to just give in to the ocd at that point or because I really wanted to look at this image. I looked at the image, got a groinal response and ended up masturbating, I mean that doesn't sound like OCD to be honest. Thats acting out an intrusive thought which isn't supposed to happen. I dunno I just don't think that my actions were okay at all to be honest and it's just one of many questionable things I've done, I feel like I just try to tidy everything away under an OCD banner. 

 

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OP, storm in a teacup. It's all nonsense. Treat it accordingly. Re your line about everyone else being saintly, and you not, is rubbish. No one is pure, and they don't have to be, being human is enough. Don't try to be special. 

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On 19/10/2019 at 02:57, mrgarfield94 said:

I know not everyone is saintly, but people with OCD don't act on their obsessions

People with OCD engage in many compulsive behaviors, one of which is testing which involves pushing the limits of behavior related to their thought to see if they "like" it or not or if it feels "ok" or not.  That can include looking at images, videos, imagining situations, putting themselves in situations etc.  Listen to how you describe the situation:

On 03/10/2019 at 04:01, mrgarfield94 said:

I clicked off the image because I couldn't take it but the thing is I masturbated slightly after I came off it and I ended up ejaculating, I know this is tmi but I have to be honest. I feel absolutely sickened with myself, there was no orgasm, no pleasure, it just sort of happened. I actually felt horrible while it was happening. 

Sounds like testing to me, 

Further as paradoxer points out, virtually no one is as saintly as you seem to think you need to be.  Even if you did look at an "inappropriate" image and later masturbate it doesn't make you some kind of irredeemable monster.  You didn't harm anyone for example.  People do things they aren't proud of, it happens, they feel bad, maybe they change their behavior a little bit, they move on. You can too.  The situation feels catastrophic to you, I understand that, but you have to make the choice not to keep treating it that way, even when OCD lies and says you should.  You need to remind yourself that you have a disorder (OCD) that causes you to have irrational/exagerated reactions to some situations, so you can't take your emotional responses to these at face value.  They are false alarms.  You have confessed (a compulsion) on the blog, and two of us, two fellow OCD sufferers have told you its ok to move on.  You don't need to keep coming back, you don't need to "explain" it more.  Take our advice, take your little bit of reassurance and don't let yourself ruminate on this anymore.  If you want to beat OCD thats what you have to do.

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One final comment on your issue.  Pornographic images are, by their very nature designed to be stimulating.  Additionally an anime image is not of a real person.  You can't compare your reaction to a fictional character in a fictional situation to how you would react to a real person in a real situation.  If that were the case no one could/should ever enjoy movies or video games that depict fictionalized violence.  I love playing video games, and that includes some pretty violent ones over the years (games from like the Call of Duty series, Rainbow Six, Halo, etc.).  Its FUN in these games to "kill" your opponents, its FUN to do so in sometimes gruesome ways.  But I would probably throw up if I ever saw that happen in real life, and I could never even begin to actually DO it myself.  Fictional events and non-fictional events are not equivalent.  Its a bad idea to judge how you would react in one situation to another based on them.  Thats not to say you have to enjoy fictional depictions of things either, some people find even fictional violence or fictional sexuality situations to be disturbing and don't like them either.  The point isn't that you should like OR dislike fictional depictions of something, merely that you can't always use it to compare how you would react or what you think about that thing in real life either.

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6 hours ago, dksea said:

People with OCD engage in many compulsive behaviors, one of which is testing which involves pushing the limits of behavior related to their thought to see if they "like" it or not or if it feels "ok" or not. Sounds like testing to me
 

Crux. 

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Hi.

some awesome replies and I’ve not much more to add except it’s your ocd at play. I’ve hit absolute rock bottom just now also in similar style.

look, I’ve often had that aroused sensation after testing like a release is really needed and it’s simply that you’ve been in that zone. Your brain is thinking about sex. Not pleasantly even though your ocd will say it is and it leaves you with the physical arousal, hence the desire to masturbate because your physical reaction has been prolonged. I’ve had that so many times and I’m sure I’ve seen posts on it before. Pretty sure you’re not doing it as a reaction to the images but more like reaction to constantly focusing on attraction etc. The tingling is telling you it’s real in a bodily way but also you’re trying to not like it which is tough because guess what, ocd gets stronger. If you say I love it, sometimes it gets weaker.

i saw a ted piece on sexual non concordance and it explains a lot of what we already kind of know in frank words. Half the time we get the physical arousal where we are not even linking with real desire. So if someone says teenager had sex you may not react but saying ‘from behind’ may make you trigger somewhat and it’s the adding of the words which may make you think arousal but when you go over the situation you consider it all and don’t feel that way. I’m thinking for ocd we spend days doing that, not minutes or seconds.

sometimes it may help to think ok that may have been provocative to anyone and then they shrug off when find out under age. We don’t do that. We go over it and really, we are in the ocd zone long before ruminating over it so need to understand we are on a one way street.

try to distract. 

Edited by njb
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  • 3 months later...
On 21/10/2019 at 01:34, dksea said:

People with OCD engage in many compulsive behaviors, one of which is testing which involves pushing the limits of behavior related to their thought to see if they "like" it or not or if it feels "ok" or not.  That can include looking at images, videos, imagining situations, putting themselves in situations etc.  Listen to how you describe the situation:

Is that what happened with me? 

Testing to see if speaking whilst breathing out was possible? 

But can it feel like you're wanting to do wrong in that moment or that you've began to give in to an unwanted urge? 

This is what I wanted to discuss in relation to the advice you gave to the person in this post. 

I feel like I automatically tested weather my fear would be possible, I found myself testing it and it shocked me that I was doing that, but then moments later I found myself doing it again which makes me fear I was trying to do wrong. 

I don't remember choosing to test it again but I feel bad for it happening twice. 

My mind is fried, reliving a moment that lasted probably a couple of minutes many years ago. 

Why has it left me like this after so long when it's the last thing I wanted. 

I regret trying to face the illness and face the fear because all its done is ruin my life 

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I feel like I wanted to face and beat the ocd, to show it I was in control, but in doing so it's found ways to make the doubt creep in and question everything. 

So facing the fear doesn't help, and living in fear of doing something doesn't help. 

So what do we do? 

Testing just makes it worse in the end, it's terrible. 

As I mentioned before, I read of someone facing their fear of knives one day, they picked up the knife to see if they actually would harm themselves or others... Then found themselves lifting the knife closer to themselves, freaked out and put the knife away, then sat in fear ruminating why they moved the knife towards themself, why it happened, what did it mean. So what was initially something to try and end the fear turned into something that reinforced the fear by 10000%

That's how I feel. 

I got some confidence and decided to test myself and then freaked out as soon as the ocd planted doubts and I question my every move and motive in those seconds. 

I sit here today beating myself up for not running away and avoiding all this, I am angry at myself for being too confident in myself only for it to backfire. 

How do I now move away from self blame, it's the hardest part. 

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Your mind for years has been telling you that what you might have done is the absolute worst thing you can do. Despicable. No turning back.

But what if your mind is wrong? What if this is all a big lie? What if you've spent years torturing yourself for nothing?

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3 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

How do I suddenly stop blaming myself 

You choose to stop blaming yourself. 
When the doubt creeps back in, as it often does because OCD, you keep not blaming yourself. 

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5 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

 

Testing just makes it worse in the end, it's terrible. 

Testing is a compulsion ... it's a search for 'tacit' reassurance ... one of the worst. It still sends a message to the brain that the thing - whatever it is - is important. Then bang. Not to be confused with an exposure. It's that failure to follow through that does it. Let this go, then back to the drawing board. 

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7 hours ago, paradoxer said:

Testing is a compulsion ... it's a search for 'tacit' reassurance ... one of the worst. It still sends a message to the brain that the thing - whatever it is - is important. Then bang. Not to be confused with an exposure. It's that failure to follow through that does it. Let this go, then back to the drawing board. 

I havent heard of that, tacit? I tried to look it up but was confused haha. 

Yes it's not a planned exposure

Im trying to get my head around it 

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6 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I havent heard of that, tacit? I tried to look it up but was confused haha. 

Yes it's not a planned exposure

Im trying to get my head around it 

Glad to help on the vocab front ... if nothing else! Call it 'crafty' if you like.

Cheers. 

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