Pressure

[Headwreck]

Hello. Something has happened over the past few days that is extremely stressful and worrying regarding money - a real worry not an OCD one. I don't want to go into detail but when I found out about this serious issue a few days ago, my usual worry about cheating was pushed back. This concerned me because I thought I should always be thinking of it or it isn't OCD. But now it has come back again even though I should be worried about the very severe money problem and I keep having flashbacks of the night out. I have had the urge to confess and felt extremely upset but my partner is in no state for me to bring anything up, he is in a very low place but I feel he has a right to know. Have spoken to family but they don't know what to say.

I don't know what I'm asking for. Just need some support.

[malina]

Hey Headwreck,

it sounds like you're going through a lot right now. To address your OCD issue first, it's completely normal that your worry about that night goes away when you have something else to worry about, that is very typical of OCD and it happens to me a lot too. For example, I've been really busy with work lately and my harm thoughts aren't bothering me at all but I know that as soon as I have some down time, they will come back. It's just natural and it in no ways means that the problem isn't OCD, I think most of us have experienced that.

What I'd suggest is maybe taking a break from this worry for a while. It sounds like your partner is in a really bad place and needs support right now and you have your money issue as well. Do you think you could take a break from your worries while you deal with all the things you need to? Even though that isn't a solution to OCD, it sounds like you have got a lot to deal with and compartmentalising may help. 

Keep your head up. Bad situations don't last forever, you will find a way to solve all this. In the mean time, you can come and ask for support any time you need to. And maybe just do something nice for yourself, have some chocolate or watch a film or just do something to take your mind off all this. xx 

[Headwreck]

Thanks Malina for the kindness, it's really welcomed at the moment and so nice of you. I hope you are feeling okay today.

It seems to be one thing after another. I'm also concerned that I'm going to lose my job which I'm being assessed in at the moment. I genuinely can't afford for this to happen or will lose our home etc.

I've noticed that I've resigned to the fact that I've cheated. It feels like a relief to give in to it. This is also when I'm not thinking about it, it's a fact in my head now it seems. My previous worry, when I wasn't consciously thinking about it, my belief was that it had happened.

Not sure how long I can keep everything up.

Thankful for this forum and the help you lovely people provide, not sure where I'd be without it.

[Headwreck]

I keep thinking I kissed this bloke at the top of the stairs on the night out. But I don't remember knowing about this before now. Could I have blocked it out before now or forgotten about it? I do remember asking myself at some point a few years ago why I never really thought about that night out. I used to be certain nothing had happened. But now I think maybe was jus preoccupied as have seen it happen to me recently.

I don't know what to do, my partner has a lot going on right now. I feel I have ruined our lives but at the same time feel trapped and want a way out of all of this. 

I've just forced myself to exercise thinking I'd feel better for doing an hour of hard working out but I just feel the same if not worse. I'm trying to keep myself occupied but nothing is working.

I am also worried that I missed a contraceptive pill even though the packet is showing that I've taken them correctly. I keep thinking maybe I dropped one or it fell into my drink as I was taking it or maybe I forgot to take one every day for a week and then forgotten about it and started the days as I usually would so that the packet doesn't show that I missed a week. I usually spin the tablet in my mouth five times so I remember it is in my mouth and been swallowed and then check the bottle of water to make sure it hasn't dropped in but I have had to take them with a can of fizzy drink in work so I can't see inside the drink. I take them at the same time every night but now I work shifts I'm forced to take them in work and I can't remember if I've taken them correctly when I have been at work over the past two weeks.

Edited October 6, 2019 by Headwreck
Spelling

[Headwreck]

I think I'm going to have to say something. I'm pretty sure that something happened at the top of the stairs. But then why would he say the next day that he felt like kissing me? Although I don't know anymore if he said that or not, I don't know if I made that up. I am sure I told my partner he said that but he says he doesn't remember me telling him.

What am I supposed to do? Please help me. I wish I was dead.

Edited October 6, 2019 by Headwreck

[dksea]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

I think I'm going to have to say something. I'm pretty sure that something happened at the top of the stairs.

I know you feel like you have to say something, but you really don't.  You need to start telling yourself that no matter what happened, right now you have no reason to say anything so you are going to let it go.  
 

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

What am I supposed to do? Please help me. I wish I was dead.

If you want to free yourself from the hell that is OCD and what you are going through right now, you need to start doing things differently.  That includes not going over and over the event/night in your head to try and remember. Its not going to work, you're never going to be 100% sure about what happened.  You'll likely never be close to sure because it happened in the past, memory is fuzzy, and that's not how life works.  You need to force yourself to be like a non-OCD person, to let this go.  Obviously that won't happen all at once, but you can start to make the changes now.  If working with a therapist is not an option right now, get a self help CBT book and use it to set up a recovery plan.  The forum can probably help.  Set small goals, make a list of what you should and shouldn't be doing, inventory your compulsions, etc.  What you are doing now, the ruminating, the confessing, the checking, thats not going to work.  You can get better but you can't keep doing the same things to get there.

[paradoxer]

Headwreck, you don't have to know what or didn't happen, it's not important. Try not to jump every time faulty thinking calls. Better to be a terrible person, than a 'terrible person' and a fool. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Headwreck

I'm sorry you're struggling still and that you have money worries on top of the hell of OCD.

I agree with others.  You will never ever ever know for sure what did or didn't happen that night or any other night.  and the fact is, NONE of us can be completely sure we haven't cheated and forgotten. 

To move on from this you need to start consciously and intentionally deciding to do things differently despite what your feelings are telling you. 

You have to accept the idea that maybe you did cheat, and maybe you are the kind of person who cheats and gets away with it. I imagine reading that will make your anxiety soar - and that's a good thing.  You need to allow your anxiety to rise but then not respond to it, allow it to rise and just get on with your day.  

You have adopted the rule that "if there is even the slightest chance I have cheated, I need to confess as if I definitely did cheat" and this is a crazy, unlivable rule.  If we all lived by that rule relationships would be unworkable.

I have had a touch of this theme of late and I know it can be hard to come back from that way of thinking once you've started to go down there.  

you have been thinking this way for a long, long time and it's not going to go away at once.  it will take time.  you will have to go against the grain for a good while.  You will have to ignore your brain for a good while.  it's not easy - but it is doable.

You can do this x

[Headwreck]

Thank you for the responses and replies. I know you mention that you just have to ignore it etc. and let it be, but what if you genuinely feel that something happened? How can you determine if it's down to OCD or not? Because I'd imagine there are a lot of people in the world who have done something they're not proud of and they're maybe in denial or not sure about, do they follow the same advice until it 'passes'? I just cannot get my head around it all.

I am struggling with my sleep at the moment but went to sleep through the early hours thinking it was all stupid. Woke up today and surprise surprise got that feeling of sickness and dread in my chest and stomach again. I have work in a few hours and just can't face anything, really want to give up if I'm honest as none of it seems worth all of this pain.

[Headwreck]

I really want to ignore what my head is saying but I genuinely believe it might be true. Everything points to it being true. I feel like it definitely is but then at the same time I feel like this is all fake and when I went to confess it feels like I'm not even thinking about what I'm confessing, I'm just saying 'things'.

It's odd that I never thought about it before this started two years ago but I was preoccupied with another worry. It has been in my head every single day since it started 2017. I have been punished every single day for two years for something that happened in 2015. I don't want to be someone who cheats and gets away with it, you have a moral obligation to own up even though the act may have been a mistake.

I am also concerned that I have confused my brain by telling myself it is OCD when in actual fact it's just not so I'm getting deeper and deeper into confusion when in reality there is nothing to be confused by. Probably not making sense here. 

Edited October 7, 2019 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

The money situation isn't even worrying me nearly as much as it should be either. It's as though I need to talk about this to him and then I can focus on the money after.

Just wanted to say thank you again for all the replies and advice. It means a lot when there is nobody to speak to in reality. The kind people and the advice you offer on these forums is priceless and I am forever grateful. Sorry I can't contribute in a beneficial way for others. I guess the boards could be a compulsion for me though as I feel better and can block the thoughts out once I post. Suppose that isn't a good thing is it even though it feels like a bit of respite. 

Edited October 7, 2019 by Headwreck

[malina]

I think you need to realise that these OCD worries feel real to all of us, regardless of the theme. All people who have obsessive worries about cheating think they may have done it, the fact that you think it’s real doesn’t make it any less OCD. If the worries didn’t seem real, we wouldn’t suffer the way we do, we’d be able to just brush it off.

I also see this quite a lot, where people think they have convinced themselves it’s OCD. In reality these are the people who are constantly questioning whether it is OCD and actively trying to find reasons or evidence why it isn’t. You are definitely one of these people, you keep telling yourself it’s not OCD and then you also believe that you’ve convinced yourself it’s OCD.

[Closed for repairs]

I was going to post a long reply with stuff about CBT, and then decided that it probably would come out wrong.

So instead, I'll just say keep going you can get through this

Take it from a man who has spent the morning going through a hoover bag looking for a small bit of wire, because my OCD decided that terrible things would happen if I didn't find it, I didn't find it but I now have lots of other bits of wire that I feel I need to take home so I can check then to see if they are still the wrong wire later on, I have a special bag for rubbish I need to check "later".

It sounds nothing like what you are going through but it all comes down to the need to be sure of stuff, absolutely bloody sure, sure every second of the day.

 

 

 

[Closed for repairs]

Sorry just realised that I've turned what was ment to be helpful in to an "all about me "post.

I'm off to do some mansplaing now..

 

[paradoxer]

2 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I really want to ignore what my head is saying but I genuinely believe it might be true.

Remember how things work counter intuitively here (the most difficult thing of all) - no you don't or shouldn't want to ignore what your head is saying, you should accept it, but not ruminate on it. 

[paradoxer]

2 hours ago, Headwreck said:

It's odd that I never thought about it before ... 

Christ on a proverbial bike ... take a clue when you see one. 

[Headwreck]

1 hour ago, Closed for repairs said:

Sorry just realised that I've turned what was ment to be helpful in to an "all about me "post.

I'm off to do some mansplaing now..

 

It's okay, I can relate to the checking as I have issues with checking too. For example I used hairspray before I left for work just now and wouldn't leave until I ran upstairs approx 3 times and looked at it until I was satisfied that it was 'there' and not left lying on its side or by a heat source where it might explode and then still asked partner to check when I left the house.

It is extremely frustrating above anything else as you probably know already. Hope that your evening gives you a bit of respite, it makes your life so much harder and stressful than it needs to be. Something so trivial to one is a massive thing to someone else.

1 hour ago, paradoxer said:

Remember how things work counter intuitively here (the most difficult thing of all) - no you don't or shouldn't want to ignore what your head is saying, you should accept it, but not ruminate on it. 

I'm not sure how to be okay with something that is so horrible though? How can anyone be accepting of something bad if they think they have done it? Not necessarily just what I'm thinking but other types of worry that others have. Surely it is impossible.

3 hours ago, malina said:

I think you need to realise that these OCD worries feel real to all of us, regardless of the theme. All people who have obsessive worries about cheating think they may have done it, the fact that you think it’s real doesn’t make it any less OCD. If the worries didn’t seem real, we wouldn’t suffer the way we do, we’d be able to just brush it off.

I also see this quite a lot, where people think they have convinced themselves it’s OCD. In reality these are the people who are constantly questioning whether it is OCD and actively trying to find reasons or evidence why it isn’t. You are definitely one of these people, you keep telling yourself it’s not OCD and then you also believe that you’ve convinced yourself it’s OCD.

I do know I have other OCD issues ie checking and worries about pregnancy etc. but I don't see this as OCD, no. Not sure how I change that perspective. It all feels impossible to me. I never thought my life could get any more miserable and unbearable but it never ceases to amaze me.

Edited October 7, 2019 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

1 hour ago, paradoxer said:

Christ on a proverbial bike ... take a clue when you see one. 

Also I can't be certain that I didn't know about it. I don't think I ever thought about it enough, I never used to think about this night but I've certainly made up for that since. Now I have done, it's as though it's been staring me in the face all along but I've just chosen to ignore it. I have already gone through the whole "do I remember knowing" and trying to remember if I knew. Do fall into that trap now and again.

Edited October 7, 2019 by Headwreck

[dksea]

11 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I really want to ignore what my head is saying but I genuinely believe it might be true. Everything points to it being true.

Based on what you have posted here, the only thing that points to it being true is your own fear that it is true.  You've mentioned confessing to your partner, who didn't think anything actually happened, you've mentioned that you don't actually remember what, if anything happened, you've mentioned no evidence from anyone else who was there that anything happened, nothing from the other person, etc.  All the evidence points to this being nothing but an intrusive thought as far as I'm concerned.

You are falling in to a common OCD trap, one many MANY of us also fall in to, confirmation bias.  You are actively LOOKING for reasons to believe its true, you are caught up in "what ifs" surrounding your fear and highlighting all the obscure possibilities and ignoring all the bigger, more mundane ones.  Its like finding a feather on the ground next to a horses hoof print and declaring to the world that you've discovered evidence of a pegasus, all while ignoring the flocks of geese flying over head with identical matching feathers to the one you found.

Of course you genuinely fear it might be true, if you didn't you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.  Every OCD worry I have had felt like it was genuinely real, even when I'd applied evidence and logic to "prove" it wasn't.  The fear was still there and since it wouldn't go away that meant it must be worth worrying about!  But it's not.

The problem OCD sufferers face is believing "I must stop feeling the fear in order to move forward".  The reverse is true, in order to stop feeling the fear, FIRST you have to move forward.  So long as you keep following the fear you'll remain stuck.  You have to choose to do things even though you don't want to, even though you are afraid of what might be true.  You have to accept doubt.
 

7 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I'm not sure how to be okay with something that is so horrible though? How can anyone be accepting of something bad if they think they have done it? Not necessarily just what I'm thinking but other types of worry that others have. Surely it is impossible.

Because the alternative is to punish yourself for the rest of your life for something you never did.  The alternative is that living life would be impossible for ANYONE.  The kind of certainty you have come to believe you need is impossible.  No one can EVER be that certain.  They might feel like they are, but thats just how they feel, not what actually is.  Human memory does not work the way you want it to, the universe does not work the way you want it to, that kind of provability is just not possible.  You are chasing an unachievable goal.  

You are engaged in a number of cognitive distortions, black and white thinking, catastrophic thinking, etc.  Even if you HAD cheated on your partner (which I doubt) it wouldn't make you an irredeemable monster who deserves to suffer punishment for all eternity.  It means you made a mistake, perhaps a bad one, and that there would be consequences, but you wouldn't and shouldn't be tormented forever.  You're black and white thinking is part of the problem.  You can still think cheating is bad, and you can still feel bad if you had actually done it, but not hold yourself to an impossible standard.  The choices before are not "cheating is ok!" and "cheating is unforgivable", there's a whole spectrum of valid values for this in between, spectrums that you apply to the rest of your life and always have.

Further, you are engaged in a false pattern of "if I think it might have happened it must have happened, otherwise I wouldn't think it might have happened!".  There are more too, selective evidence gathering, where you focus only on the bits and pieces that fit your feared outcome and ignore the greater possibilities, etc.
 

11 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I don't want to be someone who cheats and gets away with it, you have a moral obligation to own up even though the act may have been a mistake.

The alternative is not to assume you cheated and confess to it.  Owning up to something you didn't do doesn't make you a morally good person, you don't have an obligation to confess to something you didn't actually do, or to something you only have the vaguest sense you MIGHT have done.  This is an impossible way to live AND it places an unfair burden on the people you are constantly confessing to.  And thats another problem, you've ALREADY confessed to this, on the very remote chance you actually did something, you've already fulfilled your moral obligation.  You made your choice, your partner made his, to disbelieve it happened and move on with his life.  Its time for you to make the decision to move on with your EVEN THOUGH you still feel doubt and anxiety and guilt.
 

11 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I am also concerned that I have confused my brain by telling myself it is OCD when in actual fact it's just not so I'm getting deeper and deeper into confusion when in reality there is nothing to be confused by. Probably not making sense here. 

"What if this isn't OCD?  What if I"m just using OCD as an excuse to get away with something?"  If I had a dollar/pound/euro for every time I have seen that kind of thinking posted here on these forums I could donate it to OCD-UK and they'd never need to run another fundraiser again.  You are far from the first sufferer to have those doubts.  And they suck, I appreciate that, I really do.  But you know you have OCD, you know your brain sends faulty messages sometimes.  That means you have to accept that OCD is going to be a legitimate answer and its not wrong or selfish or sneaky to treat these situations AS OCD.  Its the logical and responsible thing to do.

There is a reason the phrase "If you think it might be OCD, it probably is" is a useful guideline, because the nature of OCD is the rejection of doubt, so to beat it you have to accept doubt, you have to acknowledge the reality of the world, that what we do, how we live is not, and has never been, based on absolute certainty, but probability.  Everything about this situation SCREAMS OCD.  Is it possible its not? Is it possible that you have constructed some elaborate mental fantasy to try and trick yourselves and all of us?  Sure, its technically possible, in the same sense that its technically possible I am Bill Gates, worlds richest man.  But the odds are against it.  Just as it would be foolish for you to assume I am Bill G, it would be foolish for you to reject the more logical and likely explanation that this is in fact driven by OCD, and not the more fantastical and convoluted explanation that its all some sort of complicated mental farce.

I could go on, deconstructing more and more of your posts, but I don't think that would actually do much to help.  The core message is already there from myself and others.  You need to rethink how you are handling this situation, you need to treat it as OCD.  Yes it feels bad, yes you feel like it MIGHT be real, but we all feel that way about our fears, you need to choose differently anyway.

If you think it MIGHT be OCD, it PROBABLY is.  Go with that.

[malina]

14 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I do know I have other OCD issues ie checking and worries about pregnancy etc. but I don't see this as OCD, no. Not sure how I change that perspective. It all feels impossible to me. I never thought my life could get any more miserable and unbearable but it never ceases to amaze me.

Sometimes you just have to make a leap of faith, but in this case one that is based on some reasonable points. Firstly, you know you have OCD, you've discussed your current problem with a therapist and also with a group of people (us) who have OCD and everyone is telling you that this sounds pretty typical of OCD. So you need to put some faith in all this information and just go with it.

I can give you one personal example, although it's very different from your problem. Last year I started experiencing some physical symptoms of anxiety, a kind of heaviness and tingling in the right side of my body. I didn't recognise this as anxiety, I felt something and thought it was real. I went to see my GP who took me seriously and did some tests and said I seemed fine and couldn't explain the symptoms. But I didn't believe I was fine, I could feel this so how could it not be real. It continued to get worse and the feelings got stronger. I spent over a month agonising over what this could be, how to make it stop, and thought I had something like MS. Finally, I looked up some of the physical manifestations of anxiety and saw that being anxious could also make you feel the way I was feeling. I accepted that this was probably anxiety and, as if by magic, the feelings stopped. The point of all this is to give you an example of how your own mind can mislead you when you have OCD. The more you believe it, the worse it will get. But you can use the resources you have, both external and internal ones to be rational and work towards challenging this misleading information that your mind produces. It's hard to do because you are fighting against yourself, but with effort and time you can do it. 

14 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I'm not sure how to be okay with something that is so horrible though? How can anyone be accepting of something bad if they think they have done it? Not necessarily just what I'm thinking but other types of worry that others have. Surely it is impossible.

Do you really think someone who has made a mistake in life deserves to be punished forever? We all make mistakes and we just have to take reasonable steps to fixing them and then move on. You have already confessed this to your partner, he wasn't happy but has decided to move on with your relationship and that is enough for him. You have done your part, there is nothing left to do. A person without OCD would see that and put it behind them. Also, you have punished yourself, you don't deserve this much pain. 

14 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Also I can't be certain that I didn't know about it. I don't think I ever thought about it enough, I never used to think about this night but I've certainly made up for that since. Now I have done, it's as though it's been staring me in the face all along but I've just chosen to ignore it. I have already gone through the whole "do I remember knowing" and trying to remember if I knew. Do fall into that trap now and again.

See this is OCD right here. If you didn't know something a day after it happened, how could it have been staring at you in the face? The fact is that you don't know and you never will. You can't erase a memory by thinking about something else, if you knew what happened, not thinking about it enough wouldn't have made you forget. If you didn't know, thinking about it 2 years later certainly won't make you remember. 

[paradoxer]

Headwreck, you're almost a textbook example of someone failing to grasp the folly of being taken, again, and again.

You want certainty about the theme of your obsessions ... others have pointed out that you can never be 100% certain. Let me add this, if you want to have near certainty, you can get it, but in order to attain that, you're going to have to embrace and welcome uncertainty first.   

[Headwreck]

So was thinking about everything that has been posted here. Treat it as OCD, if you think it is then probably is, etc. I read all of this information and it is brilliant and I can see how it applies to others but it just doesn't seem to feel like it fits for me.

I don't know if everyone has this same issue but I feel generally extremely anxious and depressed. The worry is not in the forefront but I know it's there. So even when I'm not thinking of it, it's still around. How do you overcome this? What am I meant to do in this instance when I'm not even ruminating etc.? It's just there and I constantly feel like I'm on the edge of breaking down.

Again massive pressure to speak to partner but haven't done so based on what has been advised here. I do go through in my head what could happen if I did speak to him and the outcomes, is that a compulsion in itself? 

I do have some self help books but again I don't feel like they are relevant to me whatsoever.

Edited October 8, 2019 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

5 hours ago, paradoxer said:

Headwreck, you're almost a textbook example of someone failing to grasp the folly of being taken, again, and again.

You want certainty about the theme of your obsessions ... others have pointed out that you can never be 100% certain. Let me add this, if you want to have near certainty, you can get it, but in order to attain that, you're going to have to embrace and welcome uncertainty first.   

Also yes, I have heard the welcome uncertainty to gain near certainty before. It makes complete sense, it honestly does, but my head is just in circles constantly and then on the brink of emotional collapse no matter what I try to do.

I know it doesn't seem like it but I really am trying to implement the advice you guys are being kind enough to give. But I feel like I just go around and around.

[malina]

2 hours ago, Headwreck said:

So was thinking about everything that has been posted here. Treat it as OCD, if you think it is then probably is, etc. I read all of this information and it is brilliant and I can see how it applies to others but it just doesn't seem to feel like it fits for me.

I think this is a matter of practice and takes some effort. I believe that a lot of people feel this way initially, it's not easy to treat OCD as OCD because it seems very real and relevant. I think that it takes a lot of time and effort to be able to treat our problems as OCD and dismiss them. On that same note, I think it also takes time to believe that the problem is OCD and see how it fits you. I think that as a start, you just need to have blind faith even if it doesn't seem true and even if it doesn't seem to apply to you. Just tell yourself that it is, because it is! Or maybe as a start, allow yourself to believe that it may be OCD because at the moment you're resisting the possibility that none of this is true and that it's the disorder. The fact that you don't see how it fits you isn't unique and it isn't shocking, I think lots of people experience that so you are no different from thousands of others with this condition. 

2 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I don't know if everyone has this same issue but I feel generally extremely anxious and depressed. The worry is not in the forefront but I know it's there. So even when I'm not thinking of it, it's still around. How do you overcome this? What am I meant to do in this instance when I'm not even ruminating etc.? It's just there and I constantly feel like I'm on the edge of breaking down.

Yes, I absolutely feel this way, sometimes I just wake up with the feeling that something is wrong or I just feel completely detached like I'm not really here. The way I've been dealing with it is to try and stop running but to embrace the feeling. My therapist is really big on mindfulness and he's been encouraging me to examine how anxiety feels, where in my body do I feel it, how I experience it etc. So when I have these feelings, I try to use it as an opportunity to examine the experience I'm having, I think about where I'm experiencing these emotions (stomach, muscles etc) and thinking how I'd describe to him what I actually feel. The purpose of all this analysis really is meant to show you that the fear you feel is something physical and that it's nothing terrifying and also that if it's just a sensation in your body, you can learn to manage it just like you do any other unpleasant sensation like being tired or having a headache, all are temporary. 

The other thing is that I sometimes just force myself into a good mood. When I was at my absolute worst when I was much younger, I sometimes felt like I couldn't get out of bed. Like you, I had trouble sleeping, I also found it hard to eat and all I wanted to do was sleep and hide. But I forced myself into a routine - get up, shower, eat, drink lots of water, go out etc etc etc. It was just a matter of being really strict with myself and not letting it slip. Now I'm nowhere near as bad, but when I feel down I try to just engage with something, music, reading, whatever.

Ultimately, you are just experiencing emotions. They won't hurt you, they aren't physical threats. 

2 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Also yes, I have heard the welcome uncertainty to gain near certainty before. It makes complete sense, it honestly does, but my head is just in circles constantly and then on the brink of emotional collapse no matter what I try to do.

Again, practice. Think about this as getting fit. When you first start at the gym, it seems impossible, you get exhausted, you just want to eat non stop. But you do it bit by bit, and if you continue long enough you'll eventually see results. It won't happen over night, it won't happen by next week or even next month. It takes time and a lot of effort to change thinking habits that you've likley developed over your lifetime. Be ready for that and don't get discouraged if it doesn't happen right away. 

[Headwreck]

Thanks Malina. I really have been trying to do the things people are telling me to do here. But I find that I wake up and then it's something else. Like today I feel I am an extremely horrible person and that I have tricked people into saying I'm nice when deep down I'm really conniving and selfish. People say I'm too nice in work but when I get home I'm quite horrible. Also there have been times I've done things when my partner has asked me not to. I have also said things jokingly about stuff to friends that I'm worried will come out and I'll get in trouble for.

I think I am going to have to speak with him when I get home from work later. Just about everything.