I have religious OCD (Scrupulosity)

[STEJ]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. Being that I've suffered SERIOUSLY from OCD for over 10 years, and considering how now, I'm trying all manner of techniques to cure my OCD, I thought I'd start trying forums and being more social. Being more social and deeply expressive of myself and my feelings is my latest technique for fighting my OCD, you see, sometimes when I'm at the height of my depression and angst, I can hear my innermost self, crying out for companionship amidst the feelings of helplessness, fear and desolation. That's why I'm here now. I never thought OCD forums would work for me in the past. I felt like it'd be a waste of time, and anyone with OCD knows how finite time feels, don't they??????

To give you some history, I first started suffering minor OCD back when I was 14 or so. I'd only experience it with reading, as far as I can remember. Even when reading fiction, I'd often feel the compulsion to constantly re-read sentences, fearing that I wasn't fully taking in what I was reading, and therefore not getting the full absorption, and appreciation for the story!!!! Ironically, this led to diminished enjoyment in reading, as it started to become a chore, rather than a pastime, but because this form of OCD only affected my casual reading, and not my other hobbies or my education, I suppose it couldn't have been considered debilitating, or crippling, so I went on without acknowledging it.

Thinking back through the following ten years or so, I almost find myself wishing I'd never figured out how to deal with my casual reading OCD, because curing that seemed to lead onto other, more severe, more disabling forms of OCD. Of course, I am aware how the solitary lifestyle I lived could've given rise to the depression which ended up being the breeding ground of my various forms of depression, since I've never really been socially accepted, or felt like I've fit in anywhere. Maybe there was one or two internet communities in the past, but other than that, nothing.

Starting when I was about 23 or so, I would regularly bend over, and closely study the toilet water to make sure there were no little insects drowning in there. My reason for this would've been because of one time when I remember seeing some bigger, more easily noticeable insect drowning in there, and fished it out with an empty toilet roll to rescue it. This led to me regularly, obsessively examining the toilet water to make sure no TINY insects were drowning!!!! I'm talking so tiny that I was worrying I possibly wouldn't see them if I didn't bend over and REALLY SCRUTINISE the water!!!!! I would also extensively check the surface of the bath to make sure there was no fleas or weak flying insects trying and failing to get out, as I wouldn't want them to get flushed down into the drain and drown. ;*( Fortunately, my depression wasn't quite as deeply rooted then, so I was able to overcome this OCD form.

When I was 24, I started worrying that I could cause people to be stricken with brain cancer if I happened to have thoughts of those people suffering from said affliction whilst looking at their heads in pictures of them. Back when I was plagued with this fear, the ritual I'd perform to attempt to alleviate my panic involved looking at those peoples heads, and then abruptly looking upward whilst imagining myself "removing the ailment" from their brains. I still get these worries that my thoughts could cause people to catch diseases even to this day, which is why I have a bit of a struggle typing words like "disease" and "cancer". ;*( Thankfully, this form of OCD has always been one of my less common ones, only rearing its ugly head every so often.

Later on in the summer of 2008, we had a wasp nest in our attic. I started noticing weak, dying wasps on the window sil at the top of the stairs in my house, like they were trying to get outside, foiled by the unyielding wall of glass in front of them. Because I felt stressed, imagining it to be a TERRIBLE way to die, under the glare of the hot summer sun, so close, yet so far from freedom, I would often slide pieces of paper underneath the weak wasps, and try to get them outside through an open window. I also found it unpleasant, the sight of wasps that had already died on the window sil, looking shrunken and shrivelled up in death. I didn't want the other wasps to end up that way, you see. Unfortunately, because we had a FULL-BLOWN NEST in our attic, it meant that EVERY TIME I left my room to go to the bathroom, I'd always hear the buzzing of more wasps at the window, trying to get out!!!! And because they'd be flying, I'd have to wait for them to weaken to the point where they couldn't fly anymore before I could get them out!!!!! But this meant doing something else for a while and keeping them in the back of my mind, trying not to forget about them, which became very draining, mentally! Plus, I felt SO MUCH GUILT one time when I was trying to get one of them out through the bathroom window on a piece of paper, when the wasp fell off the paper and down into the bathroom sink's plughole. ;*( I did my best to get it out, but I couldn't because of the tiny little holes in the plughole's metal grating. ;*( I felt like I'd failed that one wasp, and caused it to suffer the horrible death of drowning as a result. ;*( This form of OCD got so bad that I started not wanting to leave my bedroom as often, knowing there'd be more wasps there at the window, everytime!!!!!! I think the reason I don't suffer the same from this form of OCD anymore is because I don't fear death as much as I did back then. Sometimes I think of death as an escape from all the unpleasant things in the world, you see!

Later on in 2008, the police arrested me because of a REALLY LONG, insulting message I wrote on a forum about one of my old high school bullies. The message was about 3,000+ words long maybe, and also included pics of him from one of his online profiles which I'd linked to, and then written insulting captions for. I fancy myself as quite the witty funnyman, you see. While I was sitting in the police cell for the morning, feeling stressed by the loud, banging, slamming sounds of cell doors, and feeling a profound worry of impending disaster, I started feeling afraid that I would accidentally "leave God behind" in that unpleasant cell if I didn't make a mental effort to pull God out of the cell with me when the time came for me to leave. Unfortunately when the time came for me to leave, I forgot to perform the ritual to take God out of the cell with me.

After this arrest, I worried and stressed constantly at the thought of future arrests. I didn't want to go back to the station. I abstained from online forum usage, thinking it best to keep a low profile for the time being online, but it seemed like spending all that time alone, in my bedroom, with VERY LITTLE social contact online might've been the worst thing I could've subjected myself to!!!! I felt pretty much alone with my worries EVERYDAY as I secluded myself in my bedroom. I never left the house of my own free will because of my total lack of self esteem and confidence, you see!!!! I've always suffered from social anxiety as well. As I sat on my own in my little room, staring at four walls for days on end, I found myself constantly worrying about having to go to court, being aggressively questioned by lawyers, and ending up making a fool of myself in the courtroom in front of everyone, and I started getting REALLY BAD stomach ache. ;*( In the end, I puked up my food, like two times in maybe 24 hours. ;*(

Very late in 2008 and 2009, I was trying to get my life back on track again with my workout regimen, but unfortunately, I ended up injuring my abdominal area on this sit-up bench I had, and so I felt it wise to rest from working out, and give it time to get better. Unfortunately, I started remembering something I'd read from a book about exercise which mentioned a bicep injury a person could possibly get from lifting REALLY HEAVY WEIGHTS which would end up being permanent if the sufferer didn't get it corrected by surgery within about 48 hours of the injury!!!!!! And from what I remembered of how the injury felt, it sounded AWFUL SIMILAR to the feeling described in the book. I started fretting, and getting REALLY STRESSED that my abdominals would be ruined BEYOND REPAIR for the rest of my life, that I'd NEVER get the sixpack abs I wanted, and that I'd NEVER be attractive to women!!!!!

I drifted through the next few weeks feeling terrible and hopeless, like I had no future whatsoever. I still hadn't plucked up the courage to return to online forums, so all I could do was sit around reading all day long, and this eventually gave rise to my religious OCD, a.k.a. scrupulosity. My religious OCD fears are that my actions or inactions could result in people suffering bad afterlives in the end. I won't even try to type the name of the bad afterlife, and it even takes me several attempts just to write "bad afterlife". I'm also sometimes crippled with the fear that if I see the name of the bad afterlife in a body of text, that I could possibly accidentally leave peoples souls behind, trapped inside the word unless of course I perform rituals to "lift" their souls up, out of the word! Y'see my fear is that leaving peoples souls in the word could end up causing those souls to suffer a bad afterlife. ;*( This can even happen when people just casually use the name of the bad afterlife in their everyday speech. ;*(

When I first started coming down with this form of OCD, I started feeling like my life was over, and that I needed to GET OUT MORE and overcome my social anxiety in order to try and find an older woman to have a relationship with before I got too old to fully appreciate an older woman!!!! I was 25 at this time, you see, and I dreaded getting to about 29 or so, as I felt I'd be too old to fully appreciate an older woman like I'd always wanted to once I was 29 or so. For the record, I'm 36 now. And yes, I did overcome my social anxiety to an extent by forcing myself to approach women I fancied on the streets, but the more I ventured out into the streets, the harder my OCD made it. ;*( It got to the point where I was so anxious out there that if I had thoughts about the bad afterlife whilst stood on a certain part of pavement, then I'd need to go back to that part of the pavement and perform a ritual, thinking about the good afterlife as I walked away from that piece of pavement in order to correct my mistake, and ensure there were no bad consequences. And of course, the more I performed these rituals, the harder it got to perform them successfully, which led to feelings of greater and greater desperation. The more desperate I got, the more forceful I became with my spoken rituals as I was moving from one part of the pavement to another, and there was one time when I looked across the road, and saw these school kids looking out from the school railings at me like they couldn't believe what they were seeing, watching me rave to myself like a lunatic as I walked by. There was another occasion where I was passing the local corner shops, and these people were stood outside the second floor shops, stood at a railing, laughing at me, making sounds to imply I had learning difficulties as I struggled to walk by, doing my rituals.

For the last ten years, I've battled this form of OCD, possibly becoming more and more fearful and paranoid. Because I've grown to fear the evil connotations of groups such as the illuminati, and the eye of horus they use as their emblem, even the "eye" symbol representing spoilers that people can add to their posts on these forums makes me feel somewhat apprehensive as I type my posts. ;*( But sometimes I tell myself that if a picture of a single eye doesn't have a pyramid or triangle surrounding it, then it isn't considered to be an evil, sinister eye, is it? Yes, I'm aware I'm showing the typical OCD victim tendency to seek reassurance here, but I don't care. There comes a point when you become SO DEPRESSED, SO FEARFUL, AND SO ANXIOUS that you eventually find yourself becoming TOTALLY DEVOID of pride. That's why I'm willing to talk about near enough all of my humiliating past experiences.

I've been on Sertraline for the last nine years, and now take 150MG per day. I feel like the medication doesn't do much, and so that's why starting from December last year, I decided to get REALLY PROACTIVE, trying all manner of different techniques to try and kill off my OCD for good. You see in the last ten years, there's been plenty of times when I've done nothing but just lounge on my bed, rotting away like a vegetable, doing nothing but watching youtube videos all day long and feeling sorry for myself, sending tons of messages to celebrities I fancied during my teenaged years, and getting no replies. Now however, I'm more decisive and determined to kill off my OCD. I'm just sad I pretty much wasted my twenties and early thirties. You could say almost my whole life has been a waste in fact, since I never had the guts to leave the house on my own as a teenager, either. I still have hope though. I still think I can grow my youtube channel to the point where I get more subscribers than pewdiepie, and become a multimillionaire. What can I say???? I suppose you could call me "the thing that just won't die".

[Hal]

Hey STEJ, welcome to the forum

Huge respect to you for opening up here about what you’ve been going through. It sounds like you’ve been doing your absolute best to cope with everything that’s been thrown at you, I’m just sorry you haven’t received the support you should have had over the years to help you. I promise you tho’ you’re far from alone with experiencing these types of thoughts and fears around causing harm and religious scrupulosity. Many many people here will relate to your story and have taken the next step allowing them to overcome the disorder and move forward. 

That’s going to mean accessing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) through a professional therapist..that’s THE gold standard treatment option and the ‘technique’ that will do the job to help you the most.

There are a couple of ways forward open to you; your first port of call should be your GP for a referral through the NHS, or possibly going down the private route through the BABCP...which will speed up how quickly you can consult someone but is pretty expensive. 

There are also quite a few self-help books available that will help too...off the top of my head ‘Overcoming OCD...’ by Dr Veale, ‘Break Free from OCD...’ by Prof Salkovskis and ‘How to Deal with OCD’ by Dr Elizabeth Forrester...are all recommended by the charity and have helped heaps of us here alongside seeing a CBT therapist.

I know you also have some doubts too about forums but this really is a top notch one with a great community helping each other daily

How do you feel tho about having a chat with your GP? I kept putting off getting help but it’s been a real game changer for me.

Hal

[STEJ]

Thanks for the reply and welcome!!!! ;*D Yeah, it took me about a year of suffering from OCD before I sought help from the doctor for it!!!! All the doctors really did though was put me into contact with a psychiatrist and the crisis team, then I was put on Sertraline, and put on a waiting list for CBT, back in like, 2010, and my time on that list still seems like it hasn't come up. ;*P To tell the truth, I was kinda relieved, because CBT sounds pretty scary and intense, and ERP doesn't really seem like an option to me, since it's a matter of principle really that I wouldn't want to expose myself to anything occult or evil!!!!!! Not that I'm perfectly moral or anything, but I do want to stay as close to the straight and narrow as I possibly can!!! And there was a time in 2011-12 when I was better for a time, but after that, it was pretty much unrelenting. ;*( Can you believe that the last time I went to the doctors and told him everything I'd been feeling, his reply was something like, "So what do you think we should do?????" Pretty shocking, eh????

I tried reading a few OCD self-help books in the past!!!! One of them was called Brain Lock, but I felt like it was just my luck that the author started using analogies, comparing OCD to the leader of the evil angels who betrayed God (I can't type the name of the evil angel), and he also compared it to the bad afterlife, and when I started seeing cartoony pics in the book, implying that a sufferer is doomed if he does, and doomed if he doesn't, I had to stop reading. Especially with how it took me MANY ATTEMPTS just to turn over from that page of the book. ;*( Anyone who has read the book will know what I really mean with that picture. I know the author is on our side and all, but I'm an incredibly paranoid person. Nowadays, I'm not quite as bad as I was in 2009, so I possibly could read it, but I'm not sure!!!! I also have a big, thick OCD workbook by some health professional whose name I can't remember, and I read that for a time, but we me being a clumsy oaf, I left it in a position where it could slide off my bed onto the floor, and that put me off reading it. Y'see another of my OCD fears involves me feeling revolted about handling anything that's touched the floor, or picking up anything that's fallen on the floor, for that matter!!!!! And given reading can still be a chore for me, I generally don't feel much motivation to read it, thinking just the act of reading could be hard for me, and then having to go to the effort of washing my hands after finishing!!!!

[Hal]

I get where you’re coming from with the CBT...it’s obviously scary facing what we’ve spent so long avoiding. The thing to bear in mind tho’ is it’s a very gradual treatment process, there will be a fair amount of time spent laying the groundwork with the cognitive stuff before approaching the exposure exercises which will also be very carefully constructed.

Whoever you consulted will be there with you step-by-step helping you work on where you might be struggling, making tweaks here and there and supporting you at all times.

Bear in mind too in terms of first steps... GP’s have gotten a lot better over the last few years when it comes to mental health, and although meds can have their place, CBT’s really where it’s at when it comes to treating OCD. I absolutely respect it has to be your decision but I really would urge you to think about giving them another chance to help you.

I haven’t got my copy of Brainlock to hand but I vaguely remember that cartoon, maybe for the time being it may be better to check out another...perhaps Dr Forrester’s would be a better option for you.

But please chew over having a word with your GP or we can also self refer now via the IAPT option, or maybe you could touch base again with your crisis team/old psychiatrist...please just don’t think you have to put up with all the disorder’s throwing at you, recovery is possible. 

[STEJ]

Thanks for the suggestions!!!!! Is CBT done in a group setting, or individually????

[malina]

Hey STEJ,

Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through so much for so long. I have been suffering from OCD pretty much my entire life and I (as all of us here) get how you feel. Know that you're not alone and that this is a really great community. I have learned so much from this forum and I hope you will find it helpful too. 

[STEJ]

Thanks for the welcome, Malina!!!! ;*D Must've been brutal suffering from OCD pretty much your entire life. ;*( Yes, I appreciate how bustling this community is. I'd always thought facebook killed independent forums, but I'm glad some remain. ;*D And personally I feel like facebook group forums are badly designed, the way how you have to wade through everyones' topics to get to the ones that interest you!!!!! Maybe I should've just given them a chance to grow on me, but there's something about the cosy community feel of independent forums that I've always loved!!!!! ;*D And thus far, I think I'm finding it helpful, just to spill my guts about everything and anything, rather than just saving it for my old 90s celebrity crushes who I used to hound endlessly with messages on twitter, facebook and youtube!!!!! Even though that made me feel less alone, most of them would never reply, those that did reply didn't have anything particularly ground-breakingly interesting to say, and a fair few even blocked me!!!!!!!1

[Hal]

1 hour ago, STEJ said:

Thanks for the suggestions!!!!! Is CBT done in a group setting, or individually????

It can be either through the NHS, but ideally I think I’d hold out for one-to-one treatment.

I haven’t had personal experience with group therapy so perhaps I’m being a little unfair there, it may well have helped others...but I know I’d have struggled airing my issues in that kind of setting and wouldn’t have got the full benefit.

Besides which I’d imagine it must be slightly tricky for the group leader/therapist tailoring individual advice and recommendations in that type of treatment context.

[BelAnna]

Hi STEJ,

Welcome again to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear you've had a long struggle with OCD- it really sucks! I can relate to a lot of your OCD themes as I also have Religious-based/Scrupulosity aspects to my OCD (about evil etc.) and fears of imaginal contamination (e.g. I used to worry that by seeing a cancer sufferer I could spread it to family members) alongside responsibility and standard contamination OCD. I cannot read about or watch anything with religious themes because of my OCD.

I'm so glad you still have hope and that is great that you are trying everything to get better! I have had a lot of therapy (CBT, Clinical Psychologist appointments, Counselling, Eye Movement Desensitization) (don't worry about that being related to the occult- it's not, it's just based on the fact that your eyes flicker when you are in REM sleep so the therapy gets people to move their eyes from side to side quickly whilst processing thoughts/memories- it's not even like hypnotherapy) since diagnosis at 15 (I've had OCD since I was 7) and I would recommend CBT but if can afford to see a CBT therapist privately then you can avoid the long waiting list and ensure that you see someone who specialises in OCD. 

 

[STEJ]

Hi BelAnna, and thanks for the welcome!!!! ;*D Sometimes I've thought of Scrupulosity as the worst form of OCD, since it's one of the only ones where it's impossible to get reassurance, isn't it???? It's funny how some of us just seem to attract endless kinds of OCD, like we're a magnet for it, isn't it???? And yeah, I have greater difficulty reading Christian texts, and watching Christian videos than I do with others, since I fear that if I have bad thoughts at those times, that the punishment for it would be even more likely to happen because of my lack of respect and caution!!!!! And yet if I don't read any Christian messages or watch any Christian videos in a day, I start feeling guilt!!!! ;*(

What is Eye Movement Desensitization???? ;*O I have always found it creepy, the thought of our eyes moving rapidly and uncontrollably in our sleep, but not fearfully creepy!!!!

[BelAnna]

23 hours ago, STEJ said:

Hi BelAnna, and thanks for the welcome!!!! ;*D Sometimes I've thought of Scrupulosity as the worst form of OCD, since it's one of the only ones where it's impossible to get reassurance, isn't it???? It's funny how some of us just seem to attract endless kinds of OCD, like we're a magnet for it, isn't it???? And yeah, I have greater difficulty reading Christian texts, and watching Christian videos than I do with others, since I fear that if I have bad thoughts at those times, that the punishment for it would be even more likely to happen because of my lack of respect and caution!!!!! And yet if I don't read any Christian messages or watch any Christian videos in a day, I start feeling guilt!!!! ;*(

What is Eye Movement Desensitization???? ;*O I have always found it creepy, the thought of our eyes moving rapidly and uncontrollably in our sleep, but not fearfully creepy!!!!

Oh sorry just re-read your post and you were saying that you didn't want to be exposed to anything of the occult through ERP, not EMDR!! I understand what you mean- I refused to do ERP for my religious OCD too. 

EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization- it's a therapy that gets you to track a light with your eyes whilst thinking of a distressing memory (usually a trigger to a phobia or to a PTSD) and the idea is that the eye movements mimic rapid eye movement sleep and somehow help you to process the trauma. I'm not sure that there is enough scientific evidence for it really but my Psychologist is very keen on it!

CBT is definitely the treatment to go for if you can!

[STEJ]

1 hour ago, BelAnna said:

CBT is definitely the treatment to go for if you can!

Thanks, but sometimes I wonder if the main reason CBT works in the short term is because at that point in time at least, we have someone with us whom we can tell all about our symptoms and problems without fear of being judged because of it!!!! And that the reason people relapse afterwards is because they go back to being in their bubbles!!!! I mean, I know not everyone is a social reject like me, and that many people have friends, socialise and what not, but from what I witness, most social interactions seem incredibly shallow and one-dimensional, with people just exploding in loud, obnoxious laughter at the most unfunny, inane things, and it makes me feel like the art of intelligent conversation is dying!!!!!!!! I feel like even my online friendships end up being shallow when sometimes, I'll have friends online whom I'll argue back with about matters of God and Christianity, and then they'll go off in a huff, and I won't hear a peep from them for weeks on end!!!!!! Still, I think that kind of thing is good in order to test whether a friendship has REAL SUBSTANCE to it, or not!!!!

[gingerbreadgirl]

4 minutes ago, STEJ said:

Thanks, but sometimes I wonder if the main reason CBT works in the short term is because at that point in time at least, we have someone with us whom we can tell all about our symptoms and problems without fear of being judged

No I really don't think that's the case because cbt is something you can do by yourself and many do including me. 

[malina]

I don't think CBT works in the short term. CBT and ERP are a lot of work, they make you challenge your beliefs and face up to your fears. I have personally found the effects to become apparent later.

[STEJ]

3 hours ago, malina said:

I don't think CBT works in the short term. CBT and ERP are a lot of work, they make you challenge your beliefs and face up to your fears. I have personally found the effects to become apparent later.

To be honest, I think it'd take twice the amount of the maximum recommended dosage of Sertraline (200MG) to make me brave enough to face my fears. I'm on 150 now, and they feel like they don't do much. I feel like I can identify with something a character says at one point in Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning, which goes something along the lines of, "There isn't a form of magic in all the land powerful enough to make a hero out of a coward".