Morality OCD?

[Bmdrv]

Hello, everyone. So, here´s the thing. My doctor thinks I might have OCD, and I´m not really sure how I feel about it. Sometimes, it seems to fit, sometimes not. Especially because, if this is OCD, it´s really different from what I thought it should be.  I don´t really have any external "compulsions", only mental ones, if those even are compulsions. I get really insecure about what my place and impact on the world is, and in turn really afraid that actions that I take, even small actions, will be contributing to things that I don´t agree with. But right or wrong is relative and not absolute, and that really makes me feel insecure, as if I have to find some sort of absolute way of doing right and being good. And so I ruminate and go over things on my head, a lot. And in a really repetitive way. This is what my doctor thought could be a compulsion, the endless repetitive replaying of arguments on my head, until I´m tired and regained some sense of security in being “right”.  

My doctor and I didn´t have much time to discuss this over, we had to discuss other issues, but I was left feeling anxious about this diagnosis, because it´s so different from what I understood OCD to be. We´re only meeting again in a couple of months, so I thought I´d come here and see if this sounds familiar to anyone? Another issue I have with this diagnosis is that, from what I understand, you necessarily need to have intrusive thoughts, and that those are like really horrible images or scenarios that come into your head, and then lead to the compulsions. I really don´t have that, at least not in a significant way. Unless the fears and beliefs I have of being “bad” could count as intrusive thoughts, I really don´t know. Sorry if there were mistakes on my spelling and grammar, English is not my first language. 

 

[paradoxer]

It sounds like it very well could be OCD. Please understand that OCD doesn't only involve externally observable compulsions, ruminating is a big part of the disorder. 

Wishing you the best ... and welcome to the forum. And by the way, your English is fine. 

[Gemma7]

Hi Bmdrv

I agree with Paradoxer, that what you describe does sound like OCD. Some people with OCD only do compulsions in their head, people can thought block (an avoidance of thoughts), neutralise thoughts (where they add words to a thought or change its meaning somehow), ruminate, they can check their memory, and they can think things on purpose at particular times. 

With intrusive thoughts too, people's experiences vary. Some might have words, like 'there is something wrong with (blank)' or they might have an unsettling feeling, or they might have 'what if' thoughts.

Here is a definition given in a popular self-help book called Break free from OCD,

'Obsessions, also known as ‘intrusive thoughts’, are unwanted and unacceptable thoughts that seem to appear in your mind in an unbidden way. Obsessions can be thoughts in words but can also be images; urges, as if one wants to do something, or feelings of doubt.'

Beliefs about being a bad person are incredibly common in the OCD community too so you're not alone there

Did your doctor refer you for therapy while you were there? 

[gingerbreadgirl]

9 hours ago, Bmdrv said:

Hello, everyone. So, here´s the thing. My doctor thinks I might have OCD, and I´m not really sure how I feel about it. Sometimes, it seems to fit, sometimes not. Especially because, if this is OCD, it´s really different from what I thought it should be.  I don´t really have any external "compulsions", only mental ones, if those even are compulsions. I get really insecure about what my place and impact on the world is, and in turn really afraid that actions that I take, even small actions, will be contributing to things that I don´t agree with. But right or wrong is relative and not absolute, and that really makes me feel insecure, as if I have to find some sort of absolute way of doing right and being good. And so I ruminate and go over things on my head, a lot. And in a really repetitive way. This is what my doctor thought could be a compulsion, the endless repetitive replaying of arguments on my head, until I´m tired and regained some sense of security in being “right”.  

My doctor and I didn´t have much time to discuss this over, we had to discuss other issues, but I was left feeling anxious about this diagnosis, because it´s so different from what I understood OCD to be. We´re only meeting again in a couple of months, so I thought I´d come here and see if this sounds familiar to anyone? Another issue I have with this diagnosis is that, from what I understand, you necessarily need to have intrusive thoughts, and that those are like really horrible images or scenarios that come into your head, and then lead to the compulsions. I really don´t have that, at least not in a significant way. Unless the fears and beliefs I have of being “bad” could count as intrusive thoughts, I really don´t know. Sorry if there were mistakes on my spelling and grammar, English is not my first language. 

 

Hi bmdrv  

I agree this sounds very much like OCD and I can identify a lot with what you say, it's sounds very similar to my experiences with OCD. 

Compulsions don't have to be observable, they can be mental either in part or completely - trying to figure things out, pin things down, resolve an issue once and for all, find certainty, analyse whether something's true or not, search for reassurance.  I would argue that every OCD sufferer has mental compulsions even if they also have physical ones.  Do you also do some other things which you might not realise are compulsions - for example do you ever google answers to these questions, (e.g. "what makes a bad person", a regular appearance in my search history  ) or talk to other people about this issue, looking for reassurance? (A very very common thing for OCD sufferers to do).

I would very much recommend reading one of the good self-help books around.  There are a few which have helped me.  The one Gemma mentions (Break Free from OCd by Paul Salkovskis) is a really good one.  Another good one is Pulling the Trigger by Adam Shaw.  Just be aware that you may not find your exact example of OCD in either of these books (or any other) - a common pitfall for OCD sufferers to fall into is to try and find their exact situation described somewhere, and if they can't (which often they can't as there is a limitlnss number of possibilities) they assume "this means I can't have OCD".  Not the case at all.  OCD can be about anything.  

Feel free to ask lots of questions here too - lots of knowledgeable and helpful people around on a daily basis  

[dksea]

On 16/10/2019 at 08:20, Bmdrv said:

 I don´t really have any external "compulsions", only mental ones, if those even are compulsions.
...
My doctor and I didn´t have much time to discuss this over, we had to discuss other issues, but I was left feeling anxious about this diagnosis, because it´s so different from what I understood OCD to be.

Hi @Bmdrv, welcome to the forums.  Its true that many peoples understanding of OCD includes obvious compulsive behaviors, such has repeated hand washing, excessive tidying, needing things to be in order, etc.  However, as others above have pointed out, compulsions are not limited to these types of situations, they can be mental too.  In fact, rumination is probably one of the most common compulsions, I would bet that all OCD sufferers engage in rumination about their intrusive thoughts.  When I was first diagnosed with OCD (about 25 years ago) it was described to me as being a type called "Pure-O", obsessions only.  The thinking was that I had intrusive thoughts but no compulsions.  Unfortunately this was not true as I did have compulsions, but they were mostly mental compulsions like checking and ruminating, but also less obvious but very damaging ones like avoidance.  Fortunately the term "Pure-O" and the misunderstanding it creates is falling out of favor, but the myth still persists that OCD is all about observable compulsions.  I'd say based on your description of the situation that your doctor is spot on.  It very much sounds like OCD to me.  And while I'm sorry thats true in the sense that I wouldn't wish OCD on anyone, getting the correct diagnosis can also lead to understanding, relief, and recovery.
 

On 16/10/2019 at 08:20, Bmdrv said:

Another issue I have with this diagnosis is that, from what I understand, you necessarily need to have intrusive thoughts, and that those are like really horrible images or scenarios that come into your head, and then lead to the compulsions. I really don´t have that, at least not in a significant way. Unless the fears and beliefs I have of being “bad” could count as intrusive thoughts, I really don´t know.

The three letters in OCD basically sum up what the disease is all about
O = Obsession = an unwanted thought or idea that won't go away/keeps coming back and causes you distress
C = Compulsion = a repetitive behavior you engage in to try and relieve the distress caused by your Obsessions
D = Disorder = a condition that causes significant negative impact on the quality of your life

Its true that obsessions can be about horrible images or extreme situations ("What if I am a murderer..." etc.) but it can be about ANY thought or idea that causes you distress.  
Obsessions don't have to be extreme, you can worry about normal things too.  The problem in OCD is not whether or not you worry about something, its how much you worry about something compared to what's reasonable.  Even for big problems, where its reasonable to worry more than normal, a person can still become obsessive.

For example, cancer is a serious illness, its reasonable to be worried about it in your life.  But if you spent every day worried about cancer when there was no reason to think ou had it?  Then it would be an obsession.

So yes, I would say your fears and beliefs of being "bad" definitely fall in to that category, in fact its not at all an uncommon one.  The oldest recognized form of OCD is one called scrupulosity, or an obsession with religious purity.  A number of historical religious figures were described as having this condition, consonant worries and fears of being "good" enough.  Many joined religious orders or took on religious tasks to try and PROVE their goodness.  Even on this forum there are posters who worry about whether or not they are "good" or "bad".
 

On 16/10/2019 at 08:20, Bmdrv said:

the endless repetitive replaying of arguments on my head, until I´m tired and regained some sense of security in being “right”.  

This is the core problem of OCD.  Normally our brain is supposed to fire an "ok" signal and give us that feeling of being "right".  For reasons we still don't understand, sometimes OCD causes that process to break, so we don't feel "right" even when we should.  As a result we get stuck worrying about thoughts that we normally would have moved past a long time ago.  OCD sufferers have to learn to move on even when they don't feel "right" when they should. The treatment for OCD primarily includes therapy that will help you learn the techniques and tools you can use to do that.  Its called CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and you can learn more about It on the OCD-UK site or various books such as those recommended by the other posters.  Best of luck to you.

[Closed for repairs]

Lots of us have this problem,  our intrusive thoughts and compulsions don’t quite fit what we think OCD is, its worth looking at a few threads on here, you will see lots of people struggling with this. Ironically you will probably be able to spot the OCD traits in others fairly easily...

Everyones life experience is a bit different, and we all see the world from our own point of view, so how OCD manifests itself is an infinite range of things.

some are stuck pondering the meaning of life, others are obsessed with contamination, I’m a checker, but that doesn’t mean I don’t some times slide into other obsessions. Most of mine is silly stuff (to others) but causes me no end of distress added to by the embarrassment factor of some of the stupid reasons I have for doing stuff.

Bottom line if you didn’t have some kind of trouble you wouldn’t have been at the doctors with it..